You’ll have to excuse my ignorance, but I don’t watch The Hills. Whenever I catch a glimpse of it, I’m filled with rage and I end up yelling at the television screen. It’s not even that I find Lauren Conrad or Audrina Patridge or any of the other people (whose names I don’t want to learn) that disgusting. It’s that I find the idea of this kind of faux-reality entertainment disgusting. I watch shows like House (which was really good last night, wasn‘t it?), NCIS, 30 Rock and The Office - you know, shows with good writing, interesting character development, and a more solid basis in reality than The Hills.

So that’s my rant. I don’t know why the show is popular, and I don’t why The Hills cast members are so popular, and I really don’t know why they’re getting paid so much to wander around and be vapid. If that makes me an old fart, so be it. But these new revelations about their salaries has my blood boiling. Lauren Conrad is exiting The Hills after making $125,000 an episode. Kristen Cavallari is starting off with a $90,000 an episode salary. Make. It. Stop.

As the hit MTV show returns, Nicole LaPorte exclusively uncovers payday drama: Kristin makes $90,000 per episode compared to Spencer’s $65,000 and Audrina’s $100,000. Plus, Spencer spills on his co-stars and view our gallery of reality TV salaries.

As of Tuesday, as any tween worth their Juicy Couture jeans will tell you, “The bitch is back”—i.e., Kristin Cavallari is joining the MTV docusoap The Hills as its resident diva. She’s replacing Lauren Conrad, who’s been the good-girl star of the series until she started complaining of Hills fatigue and decided, after five seasons, to leave.

It won’t be Cavallari’s first reality-TV stint (hence, why she’s “back.”). Her fangs were first bared on Laguna Beach, the precursor to The Hills, which followed Conrad and her posse of hot and fabulous friends when they were “regular” high-school students in a town that makes Malibu look like the slums.

The Hills, which debuted in 2006, caught up with Conrad when she moved to Los Angeles and found a new group of hot and fabulous friends—including the infamous, and beyond blond, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, aka “Speidi,” as the tabloids have anointed the couple—whose lives are just as surreal: Despite entry-level jobs in fashion and media, they all live in opulent apartments, drive fancy cars, and eat out at chic restaurants. Oh—and they can afford plastic surgery. (Think Sex and the City for the barely legal.)

After Laguna Beach ended, Cavallari tried to leverage her own 15 minutes into something more: becoming a “real” actress. But that didn’t pan out as planned—most of the roles she landed were in direct-to-DVD releases, such as Van Wilder: Freshman Year—and so now she’s returning to reality TV. Through her publicist, Cavallari declined to comment.

The move may seem counterintuitive, or like a kind of consolation prize. But that’s hardly the case, considering that MTV is so desperate to keep The Hills—its highest-rated show by a mile—alive and thriving that it’s shelling out major dough to the cast, marking a paradigm shift in the business: Reality TV as the cheap alternative to scripted programming? Not anymore.

Cavallari is being paid $90,000 an episode, which is almost as much as Conrad was making: $125,000 an episode (or $2.5 million a year), according to a person with knowledge of the show’s contracts. Conrad’s deal stipulated that no other star’s salary could match hers while she was on The Hills, but those of supporting cast members Audrina Patridge, Lauren “Lo” Bosworth, and Montag come close: $100,000 a show. As for Pratt, his rate is a slightly less at $65,000 per show, because he only joined as a regular in 2008. (In comparison, the stars of The Real Housewives series receive a reported $30,000 a show.) In the case of Brody Jenner, Conrad’s BFFWB (Best Friend Forever With Benefits), he takes in $45,000.

And that’s just what they get paid for doing their day job. The Hills and its stars have become such a name brand—in certain circles—that Cavallari and Co. receive between $20,000 and $25,000 for personal appearances—which last no more than two hours—at events such as club and gallery openings, according to Mike Esterman, a celebrity booking agent. When Speidi showed up at a Valentine’s Day gala in Las Vegas, Pratt and Montag each took home $30,000. And Montag’s recent Playboy cover shoot—she graced the September issue of the magazine—earned her $375,000 plus a generous chunk of royalties, despite the fact that she didn’t take it all off.

[From The Daily Beast]

CB wants me to point out that The Hills stars are actually making a lot less than other “primetime stars” like Hugh Laurie ($300,000 an episode), Charlie Sheen ($350,000 an episode) or Ellen Pompeo ($200,000 an episode). Also, the voice talent on a show like The Simpsons get huge salaries, just for their voice work - something like $400,000 per episode. What’s interesting about that is when you consider The Hills’ advertising demographic - advertisers are probably paying through the nose to get ads on new episodes, just because The Hills’ viewership is young, dumb, upper-middle-class, and will buy anything. If you look at it that way, MTV is probably making a bigger profit from their hit show than any network - and perhaps the reality stars deserve even more money. Gah!

Lo Bosworth, Audrina Patridge and Stephanie Pratt are shown filming The Hills on 9/18/09. Credit: WENN.com

How does Paris Hilton have the nerve, the audacity, the obliviousness to call anything “lame and fake”? Because those are the words that will be on her tombstone. So what was so lame that Paris had to speak out? It was totally The Hills, the show her boyfriend (Doug “Budget Ryan Reynolds” Reinhardt) is on. So Paris is dissing her boyfriend’s show? As if, Sparkles. According to Paris, “He doesn’t even want to be a part of it.” I must have missed the part where someone held a gun to Doug’s head and forced him to sign a contract. But you know our Paris, she couldn’t just declare something totes lamers without making some kind of statement that made her seem like an enigma wrapped in a contradiction, accessorized by a Be-Dazzler. Even though Paris claims to have “never seen the show in my life”, she still says the show portrayed Budget Ryan “in a way he’s not.” Paris is so deep, she just gave me a headache.

Paris Hilton says her beau Doug Reinhardt won’t be appearing on MTV’s The Hills again.

“The show is, like, so lame and fake. He doesn’t even want to be a part of it,” Hilton told Usmagazine.com Wednesday at the Fifi Awards in NYC.

Lauren Conrad famously dumped Reinhardt on the show. Brody Jenner later accused Reinhardt of going behind Conrad’s back by pursuing Stephanie Pratt.

But Hilton told Us the show portrayed Reinhardt “in a way he’s not.”

“They make up relationships when they’re not there, and he just thinks it’s lame,” she said. “I’ve never seen the show in my life. I have no idea what it’s about. But he just thought it was cheesy.”

Reinhardt’s reality days aren’t entirely over. He will appear on the second season of Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, which debuts June 2 on MTV.

“It was great,” she told Us. “He was always on set every single day, giving fun ideas. With him there, he always gave the most amazing ideas. They actually hired him as a producer to be on BFF Dubai [Hilton filmed a version of her American reality show there]. They loved his ideas so much.”

[From US Weekly]

Jesus Christ, what State Department moron let Paris Hilton enter Dubai? Dubai is one of America’s strongest allies in the Middle East, and we should never, ever let them see or hear about Paris Hilton. She’s the kind of person who ruins our image abroad, and she’s maybe the worst example of American womanhood that we could ever send to another country. Totes lamers.

Paris and Doug are shown at the FiFi fragrance awards on 5/27/09. Credit: RAM/Fame Pictures

There are many things that I would feel comfortable calling Heidi Montag. Idiot. Embarrassment. Nitwit. Someone with an unexplained ego. I really don’t think it’s necessary for the rest of the world – let alone the freaking New York Times – to compliment Heidi in any way. She’s already full of herself already and doesn’t need the encouragement to further bloat her ego. Or God forbid that of Spencer Pratt, who I’m sure will somehow manage to take credit for the New York Times calling Heidi Montag… wait for it… a “feminist hero.” I’ll just chill here while you clean the vomit up from your floor. Don’t feel embarrassed, same thing happened to me.

What’s Heidi Montag’s reaction to being hailed as a “feminist hero” in The New York Times’ review of The Hills?

“I was very honored to be called a feminist hero,” Heidi tells In Touch. “It’s a big deal to be even acknowledged, let alone complimented by The New York Times by such a profound, famous TV critic.” Her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, was also a fan of Ginia Bellafante’s review — even though it praised Heidi for refusing to acquiesce to his demands. “Spencer was ecstatic,” says Heidi. “He’s proud of whatever I do.”

The 22-year-old aspiring singer and Heidiwood fashion designer says she considers herself a feminist (“I definitely do!” she exclaims), but was less forthcoming when asked who her own feminist heroes were. “Who are my feminist heroes?” she asked. “ Um… I’ll get back to you on that one!”

[From In Touch]

After consulting Spencer, who called a friend to look up some names on Wikipedia, Heidi reported that her feminist heroes were Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan. But then Spencer changed his mind and decided Heidi actually preferred bell hooks over Friedan. New York Times’ TV critic Ginia Bellafante’s comments on Heidi aren’t quite so flattering when read in their original context – though they’re certainly not an insult either. But Heidi might want to actually find a copy of the newspaper before she puffs her chest so far out. Oh wait, that’s just the implants. That she got for Spencer.

Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates Nascar parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiancé, Spencer, that she get herself home on time. Her career-mindedness sets their relationship off course. Heidi identifies the problem with no name: a boyfriend who sits around an apartment decorated to look like an ’80s video arcade while trying to deny Heidi a real wedding with the glory of registering. Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do.”

[From the New York Times]

Ooooohhh, deep. Gloria Steinem just pumped her fists in the air and burned a bra in Heidi Montag’s name. I don’t think Heidi’s standing up to Spencer about their wedding was about asserting her rights and not being manipulated by a douche bag, I think it was about the desire to throw a ridiculously large party and try to out-do her friends. But if someone wants to make that sound bigger and better than it is, so be it. I’m just worried this might inflate Heidi’s ego to the point that she releases another song. Or worse, a video.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer at Perez Hilton’s Quinceanera at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel on March 22. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Heavy.com has taken word for word transcripts from scenes from MTV faux reality show “The Hills” and had them reenacted with senior citizens representing the three main characters. The result is hilarious and helps reveal how dumb and staged the dialog can be.

From what I’ve seen of this show, these reenactments aren’t far off:

“Over The Hills” reenactment: “Forgive and Forget” with Lauren and Heidi
Part of “The Hills” original “Forgive and Forget” clip

And here’s another one. The scenes with Spencer are the most ridiculous.

Spencer proposes on the beach, telling Heidi he doesn’t know which hand the ring goes on.
There are more videos at Heavy.com. I don’t get the appeal of this show, but I guess it’s like a semi-real soap opera and it certainly is popular enough.

Cast member Lauren Conrad confirmed in an interview a few months ago that many of the scenes on “The Hills” are re-filmed after the events, but she said that “this is my life” and that “Basically what they’re doing is taking our lives and telling a story.”