It’s safe to say that Chris Klein’s career is over. The brief foray into being some kind of solid character actor who made the transition from teen films to adult roles has ended. No one wants him after his second DUI arrest, and his subsequent two-month-long rehab stay. No one even cared that he was sentenced to four days in jail for his DUI, four years of probation, and take alcohol classes for 18 months. His lawyer even tried to make Chris sound like a hero, telling a media outlet, “Chris took immediate responsibility for what he did and has used this experience in such a positive way to get help and confront an addiction to alcohol. He deserves enormous credit for stepping up and getting it done.” Enormous credit? He could have killed someone.

Surprisingly enough, the drinking and the legal issues aren’t really the reason why Chris will likely never work again – it’s his crappy acting, and the fact that he’s basically a joke in Hollywood. Maybe his career was over as soon as his horrible, coked-up, crazed audition tape for Mamma Mia was leaked. So maybe this new video is kicking a dude when he’s down. Perhaps. But it’s still kind of funny. Someone compiled all of Chris’s dialogue from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, and it is epic in its bad acting and hilarity:

Everything Chris Klein Says in “The Legend of Chun Li” from Jeff Rubin on Vimeo.

I’ll admit it: I laughed. So, yeah. He’s over. This is probably the last post about him ever, unless he kills someone. God I hope this is the last post.

Last week, Chris Klein was arrested on his second DUI charge. Chris had been swerving and driving like a drunk a–hole when the cops pulled him over in LA, and TMZ later reported that Chris wasn’t just legally drunk – he was drunk as hell, with a .20 blood-alcohol level, nearly three times the legal limit. Oh, and the mother-cker had his dog in the car with him too! Why does that upset so much? I mean, Chris was so drunk he could have killed himself and many, many innocent people. But it’s the fact that he didn’t give a sh-t about his poor puppy that really makes me want to cry. What a jackass. Anyway, this a–hole is checking into rehab, his rep just confirmed:

Following his second alcohol related arrest, actor Chris Klein has voluntarily checked himself into rehab.

“After recent events, Chris was forced to take a clear look at a problem he has been trying to deal with himself for years. He understands now that he can not beat this disease alone,” his rep Jaime Primak tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “He thanks everyone for their support as he takes all the necessary steps to deal with his addiction and asks for privacy while doing so.”

The actor is seeking treatment at the Cirque Lodge in Utah where he will complete a 30 day alcohol addiction program and has plans to stay longer if need be.

Last Wednesday the American Pie actor was arrested in Los Angeles on suspicion of drunk driving when he was seen weaving on the Hollywood Freeway.

[From People]

My opinion is that Chris has even bigger problems than just his raging alcoholism. That video of his Momma Mia audition showed a guy with real drug problems, in my opinion. Cocaine, crack, whatever the kids are doing these days. The Lohan Special, perhaps. So while Chris is drying out, let’s hope that he doesn’t decide that he only needs to deal with his alcoholism and not his drug usage. Oh, and I hope one of his friends decides that Chris doesn’t deserve a dog, and keeps the puppy in the interest of animal rights.

Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to clutch your pearls. Chris Klein, star of American Pie and current has-been (also known for her relationship with Katie Holmes way back in 2004-ish, and God knows, he’s a rumored candidate for little Suri’s paternity), was arrested this morning for DUI after failing a sobriety test in LA. This didn’t strike me as surprising for some reason, but then I just figured out that it’s because of the déjà vu – Chris had another DUI in 2005. For f-ck’s sake, people, just call a f-cking cab!

TMZ has learned Chris Klein — who played Oz in “American Pie” — was arrested early this morning on suspicion of DUI.

Law enforcement sources tell us a CHP officer stopped Klein on the 101 freeway in Los Angeles at 3:13AM.

31-year-old Klein was arrested after failing a field sobriety test, we’re told.

According to the police report, Klein was “observed weaving from the #3 lane into the #2 and #4 lane westbound US 101 at Woodman Ave.”

The report notes that Klein did not resist the resist.

[From TMZ]

Here’s something I’ll never understand – if you’re drunk off your ass, why do you agree to do a sobriety test? When the cop is like, “I think I smell alcohol on your breath, mind stepping out of the car?” why don’t people just say, “Nah, arrest me on suspicion of DUI, I’m too drunk to get out of the car.” Also – I’d be willing to bet that Chris was under the influence of a lot more than alcohol. I don’t think we’ve showed this video on this site before, but most sites carried it about a month ago – witness Chris Klein, coked out of his skull:

Here are photos of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at a pre-Golden Globes party, sponsored by the New York Times Style Magazine, held at the Chateau Marmont in Los Angeles. The party got an interesting group of attendees - in addition to Tom and Katie, there was Ben Stiller, Chloe Sevigny, Chace Crawford, Adam Lambert, Woody Harrelson and… Katie’s ex-boyfriend/fiancée Chris Klein! As many remember, Katie and Chris split sometime in early 2005, then she maybe dated a couple of other people, then she was sort of instantly with Tom Cruise and pregnant with Suri. Yes, there are other versions and theories about the timeline, but let’s not go there right at this moment. I’ll just say that Suri takes after her father, whomever he may be. There’s no word on whether Katie and Chris spoke to each other or ignored each other. Hopefully, they just ignored each other. Chris seems like an a–hole.

It not like Tom or Katie are nominated for any awards this year, or that they had any big films to promote right at this very moment, so I suspect they either came out to see and support their friends, like Ben Stiller (who Tom looks like he’s groping in some of these photos), or maybe Woody Harrelson, although I didn’t know Woody and Tom were friends? So maybe Katie just wanted a night out.

I do think Katie looks really cute here. The dress is “meh” (open-weave, black, and totally ‘80s), but her hair and makeup look nice. She looks healthier than she did last month. Tom looks… okay, I guess. His whole face perked up when he talks to Ben Stiller, but he just looks like “whatever” when he’s standing next to Katie.

Two people who you may only marginally care about or have any interest in have broken up. Big Love star Ginnifer Goodwin, 30, and douche Chris Klein, 29, called it quits after two years. Someone confirmed the news to People, and I would bet it was Goodwin, who finally realized she could do better:

A Goodwin pal tells PEOPLE that the split was mutual and amicable. “They realized they wanted different things,” says the friend. “In the long run, the relationship wasn’t going to work.”

With a busy winter ahead for Goodwin, 30, who returns to HBO’s Big Love in January and stars in He’s Just Not That Into You, opening in February, the actress plans to enjoy the single life for the time being, says her friend: “She’s not interested in dating anyone just yet.”

Klein, 29, is also busy with work, returning to big screen in Street Fighter in February.

[From People]

Chris Klein had an interview with Elle published in late 2005 which reads like a parody of something an obnoxious high school quarterback would say before losing his girlfriend to a romantic nerd in a teen movie. It’s apparently legitimate, though, and makes you hope he was just talking crap and wasn’t serious:

ELLE: Are you cool with it if a woman you like gains a few pounds?

CK: I’m not tolerant of that at all.

ELLE: So do you tell them to lose weight?

CK: When a woman isn’t feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she’ll ask you if you like her body. You have to say no.

ELLE: Don’t you think they’re just looking for you to say, “You look beautiful to me, honey.”

CK: If they do, it’s placating. I don’t placate.

[Elle via lumana.com, confirmed at PopSugar]

As for his thoughts on marriage, Klein compared it to getting sucker punched:

ELLE: If you had to commit to the number of women you’d like to sleep with before you marry, how many would it be?

CK: I think that for every dude the number is massive, and it just takes that one chick to punch you in the face, and all of a sudden you’re walking down the aisle, whether you like it or not.

What kind of self esteem does a woman have to have to stick around for two years of that? I guess we know why Katie Holmes could think Tom Cruise is so “amazing” after having to deal with that kind of misogyny.

There’s one consolation – Klein is losing his hair and maybe along with it his manufactured mojo, too. A lot of guys gain hotness when balding sets in by working with it and shaving their heads. Klein is clinging to the past by growing his thinning hair long, though, and is gradually losing what little appeal he did have before he opened his mouth.

Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein are shown on 6/17/08 in the header. Credit: PRPhotos. He is shown below on 11/16/08. What a difference. Credit: WENN

There’s a lot of circumstantial evidence that suggests that Suri Cruise might not have been born on April 18, 2006 as claimed. First, her birth certificate wasn’t signed by anyone who actually saw Katie or Suri in the hospital and wasn’t issued for a full 20 days after her birth date. It took a full five months for anyone to catch a glimpse of little Suri, when she made her big debut in the October, 2006 issue of Vanity Fair. That seemed extremely suspicious back then, but Britney managed to hide Jayden James for a longer period of time so it’s not necessarily a red flag. The Scientologists also have this thing where babies can’t be exposed to negative influences or something, so that was also cited as a potential reason to have kept Suri under wraps for so long.

A lot of people speculated that Suri wasn’t born in April at all, and cited photos of Katie’s Holmes growing and shrinking bump to show that there was some funny business going on. One photo in particular that made us scratch our heads had Katie looking like she was smuggling a beach ball under her top. There are theories that Suri isn’t Tom Cruise’s biological baby and that Katie was instead pregnant with her ex Chris Klein’s child when she met Tom just a month after her breakup with Chris. Cruise was rumored to be sterile or at least unable to successfully reproduce, given the fact that he had no biological children with ex wife Nicole Kidman and she suffered some miscarriages during their marriage. The curious way that Suri was kept from the public and the lack of convincing evidence of her birthdate were used as evidence that she could be older than Holmes and Cruise claimed, which made her paternity up to question.

Now there’s some hearsay to add to the rumor that Suri is Chris Klein’s and not Tom’s baby. The National Enquirer has a source this week that claims to have had a conversation with Chris that suggested that Katie was pregnant when they broke up back in March of 2005. Their source also passed a lie detector test, but that’s possible with the help of some medication so you can’t put much faith in that. The Enquirer never says outright that Suri must be Chris’ baby, but they sure hint strongly at it:

“Mad Money” star Katie, 29, and Chris, 27, started dating in January 2000. They got engaged at Christmas 2003, but Chris has said they split in March 2005 because they fell out of love.

A month after the breakup, Katie flew to Los Angeles from New York to meet Tom. Two months after that – on June 17, 2005 – Tom announced Katie had accepted his wedding proposal.

But even before their engagement was made public, Chris told the source that he had impregnated Katie, says the pal. “Shortly after his relationship with Katie ended, Chris and I had a heart-to-heart,” the source – who passed a polygraph test – told The Enquirer.

“We were having dinner at Cafeteria, a restaurant in NY’s Chelsea district, when Chris blurted out ‘Dude, you know I got Katie preggers.’

“There was a long silence. I realized Chris had said more than he intended. My next thought was: What happened to the baby?”

Chris never said – and the source says he didn’t ask.

“From the look in Chris’ eyes, I realized this was highly personal. I didn’t want to probe any further. We quickly went on to another topic,” the source said.

“Chris never brought it up again, but I know he must be reminded of Katie’s pregnancy every time he sees her daughter Suri.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, February 4, 2008]

I really don’t believe that Katie Holmes ran the full NY Marathon or even walked it, but it feels kind of wrong to speculate whether Suri is Tom’s biological child or not. A lot of signs point to “no,” but this is a little girl who is being raised by a batshit crazy, but still completely attentive loving father who is doing his best to ensure that she’s indoctrinated in the manner he’s accustomed to. All we have at this point is some circumstantial evidence and the word of a person who may not even be real. Even if some friend of Klein’s heard him say this, it doesn’t mean that Suri is Kleins. Katie could have had a miscarriage or maybe she thought she was pregnant and really wasn’t. Maybe it doesn’t matter if Tom is Suri’s biological dad or not. Heath’s death helped me grow a conscience this week, although I’m sure by next week I’ll be back to normal.

Thanks to Splash News for these photos and Pink is The New Blog for the composite image.