We’ve gotten to the point in Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy where she’s just being exclusively photographed going in and out of restaurants. We’ll call it “The Eating Phase”. You might ask yourselves, “Why is The Eating Phase any different than just normal Jessica?” It’s not, really. Except that the photos have more waddling.

So these are photos of Jessica and her K-Fed waddling into some restaurant over the weekend. Look at how huge she is! I love it. She looks beautiful. I know some of you are hating on her for getting so big while she still has months to go until giving birth, but for the love of God, how else did you expect her to carry? She was never going to be one of those barely-pregnant-looking women. She was always going to carry everything in her boobs, abdomen and ass. I’m just happy to see a pregnant celebrity who actually looks like they’re indulging in their cravings. It’s refreshing.

Jessica is starting to get a little bit worried about her weight though – not enough to put down the pork chops she’s double-fisting, but still, she’s concerned! She recently tweeted: “Looking forward to getting back into Daisy Duke shape with @MADfit. I forget what having a waistline feels like!” Jessica’s Twitter is a grab-bag of revelations – she’s also referring to her unborn baby as a “her”. I do hope she has a girl – I think it would be fun for her to have a daughter. Oh, and she tweeted the photo below with the message, “Woke up looking like the lip injection fairy visited me in the night! Is this how pregnancy face begins?! Yikes!” God, I love her!

Photos courtesy of Fame.

After walking their first red carpet together as a pregnant couple two nights ago, Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson spent all of yesterday getting photographed in NYC. I swear, Jessica had three costume changes. Which is fine – whatever farty wants, farty shall have. Jess and Eric still look really happy together. I actually think they look even more loved up now that Jessica is knocked up. It pleases me that Eric seems like the kind of guy who is going to stick around, and that he actually likes being around Jessica, although I still kind of wonder if Eric “tricked” (TRAPPED) Jessica into this pregnancy in lieu of getting a job. Now his full-time job is “Jessica Simpson’s fiancé/baby-daddy.” Which I’m sure pays well.

By the way, you know how Beyonce is more than eight months pregnant right now (hahahahahahaa)? Well, Jessica has said that she’s DUE IN THE SPRING. Seriously. Meaning late March, early April. Meaning she’s only five months pregnant right now? Those Simpson girls get big bumps early, don’t they?

Photos courtesy of Fame & Pacific Coast News.

Aw, these are cute photos. Jessica Simpson and her K-Fed, Eric Johnson, walked the nonexistent carpet last night for the Footwear News Achievement Awards at the Museum of Modern Art, an event which honors “top shoe designers, fashion brands, style stars, leading retailers, and industry icons.” Which includes Jessica, I’m assuming, because she designs a line of footwear which sells very well.

Anyway, Jessica wore this rather stunning red Donna Karan dress which… I LOVE. I love it on Jessica. I love the dress on its own too. I wonder if this was intended as a maternity dress or if Donna Karan refigured it for preggos. Honestly, I would love to own this dress, I like it so much. Farty looks really happy, doesn’t she? She’s “glowing” – although I’m sure Jessica would say that it’s just farty sweat. I hope she is genuinely happy. I hope her K-Fed doesn’t irritate her. I hope this is what they both want.

Oh, and thoughts about Jessica wearing heels while so, so preggo? She’s said before that she’ll probably give birth in Louboutins – her heel-wearing pregnancy is much more endearing than Beyonce’s, isn’t it?

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

In Touch Weekly and OK! Magazine both have nasty stories about Jessica Simpson and her Yalie K-Fed, Eric Johnson. Even though Jessica has just given a slew of interviews, all claiming that she postponed her wedding to Eric simply because of the pregnancy and because she didn’t want to be a “hormonal bride,” the tabloids are still running with the whole “Jessica doesn’t even know if she really wants to marry Eric” angle. I think she does want to marry him, as much as that pains me to admit. She’s getting what she paid for – a dude who will stick be her side as long as the money doesn’t run out. Anyway, In Touch Weekly’s story is basically about how Papa Joe kind of hates Eric, and Joe “pushes Eric away” and calls Eric a “sperm donor.” If Jessica is pushed into making a choice between Eric and her dad, who will she choose? *dun dun dun*

Meanwhile, OK! Mag’s cover story is all about MONEY. Specifically, Jessica’s largesse and Eric’s not-so-much, and whether Jessica will get married with or without a prenup. Here’s the story:

A fight over her fortune is holding up Jessica Simpson’s wedding to Eric Johnson – and spoiling her baby joy After years of heartbreak and humiliation, Jessica Simpson should be in ecstasy these days. The 31-year-old singer/entrepreneur is fabulously wealthy, of course, with a fashion and music empire worth anywhere from $700 million to $1 billion — and now, to make life complete, she’s aglow with her first pregnancy and engaged to a man she deeply loves, former NFL football player Eric Johnson. Ah, but this is Jessica we’re talking about, so even at this life pinnacle, there’s something to cause her anguish: Eric, who sources say had agreed to a prenuptial agreement, is now backing out and insisting on an equal share in her fortune — which is why, even as Jess’ baby bump burgeons, the couple’s wedding plans are on hold.

“Eric’s completely changed his mind,” an insider tells OK!. “He started dragging his feet, refusing to sign the prenup they’d drawn up; now he’s laying this whole guilt-trip on her about how he believes in true love and she should, too. A lot of people feel she’s been totally betrayed.”

ERIC’S HOLDING THEIR WEDDING HOSTAGE
Delaying the wedding while the down-home traditional Jessica is expecting, the insider adds, seems especially callous.

“Eric knows how important it was to her to be married before the baby was born,” says the source. “She wanted to rush the wedding so that her child wouldn’t be born out of wedlock, and she wouldn’t walk down the aisle with this massive bump. And he’s basically used that as a bargaining chip.”

“The problem is that Jess really loves him and wants to make him happy,” adds the insider. “She’s such a softy at heart, and she’s so sure he’s the one, which makes it harder for her to tell him no. She almost went through with it, too, but her sister Ashlee [Simpson] stopped her. Ashlee’s going through a terrible divorce herself [with Pete Wentz] and at one time everyone thought they would last forever. If Ashlee and Pete were still together, Jessica probably would have just gone and eloped without a prenup — but her sister’s breakup really shocked her.”

PAPA JOE IS STEAMED
Fanning the flames, pals say Eric’s recalcitrance is infuriating Joe Simpson, Jessica’s extremely protective father — and, not incidentally, the architect and manager of Jessica’s many enterprises.

“Without Joe’s approval, you’re as good as gone in the Simpson clan,” a longtime Jessica friend tells OK!. “Joe will make damn sure Jessica has an ironclad prenup. He’s not about to let some Yale grad get in on the empire he helped to build.”

Adds another source close to the family, “Everything Joe does is with Jessica’s best interests at heart. He wants her happy and to find that special someone, but she sometimes is completely blind to a guy’s bad side. Hello, we all remember John Mayer!”

At best, the relationship between Joe and Eric is tenuous.

“Joe runs hot and cold on Eric,” the friend says. “He wants what’s best for his daughter and for his business. Sometimes they don’t mesh, and sometimes he really questions people’s motives. With the whole Kim Kardashian–Kris Humphries divorce debacle, he wants to make sure Jessica is really thinking through the whirlwind romance and making sure everyone is on the same page.”

More than halfway through her nine months, Jessica has other concerns besides the wedding-prenup drama.

“She’s got a lot on her plate right now,” the old friend tells OK!. “Jessica is a bit of a perfectionist, and she’s really nervous about the launch of her new show, Fashion Star. She knows she needs a hit show to get back into the spotlight the way she was during [her show with Nick] Newlyweds. Fashion Star is similar to Project Runway, but it’s more mainstream, more relatable, which is how Jess feels about her clothing line.”

Still, the star realizes that this is a unique time in her life — you only become a first-time mother once — and she’s vowing to savor it.

“Jess is enjoying the pregnancy and all the perks that come with it,” the pal relates. “No one is telling her she needs to watch what she eats; no one is telling her what to do except get massages, relax watching movies and do things with as little stress as possible.”

“It’s a nice change for her,” adds the friend. “She once made a joke to me that now she knows why Kate Hudson said her favorite thing is when she’s pregnant. ‘You get to do whatever you want!’ ”

WILL IT SPLIT THEM UP?
Nevertheless, many of Jessica’s friends are worried about how Eric’s financial hard-line will affect the future of their relationship.

“It’s been really strained, and Jessica has random crying fits,” the insider tells OK!. “She can’t believe he’s not giving her what she wants. But at the same time, she’s totally crazy about him.”

Bottom line? “Jess wants to have the baby already and start motherhood,” her longtime friend says. “And she just doesn’t want to mess up the relationship with Eric — not when she’s this close to having everything she’s always wanted.”

[From OK! Magazine]

Jesus, that was a long article. As for its veracity… who are you going to believe, Farty or Farty’s unnamed friends and insiders? I tend to believe a little of both. I genuinely think Jessica didn’t want to have a shotgun wedding. She wants to only do one thing at a time, and right now is her time to just concentrate on being pregnant and what she’s going to eat next. But! I’ll also believe that Papa Joe and Eric are having issues, and that the money issue is probably a factor in Eric’s relationship with both Jessica and her father. You know that Eric is on Jessica’s payroll now, right? He’s basically an employee, being paid by the Farty Empire to play golf and fetch things for Jessica. Eh, there are worse things, and maybe he really will stick around.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News.

Now that we know Jessica Simpson is super-for-sure-preggo, people are wondering what’s up with her wedding. My theory: Jessica figured she wasn’t going to “beat” Nick Lachey to the wedding, so she “beat” him to babies, and she figured that she could have a completely separate (later) drama with the wedding, if she felt like it. Not that I’m saying that she got pregnant only to “beat” her ex-husband. I’m not saying that at all. I think she got pregnant because she couldn‘t figure out if her birth control pill would still work if she farted on it. And because she’s in love, of course. But mostly because of the farting thing (I tease because I love, ladies). Anyway, “sources” (Papa Joe) tell People Mag that Jessica is definitely planning a wedding – but it’s definitely going to be later than she originally expected:

It’s been a whirlwind year for Jessica Simpson, who became engaged to former NFL player Eric Johnson last November and recently confirmed that she’s expecting their first child.

“They’re really excited,” a source tells PEOPLE of the pregnancy. “It wasn’t something they planned per se, but it’s also not something they were trying to avoid.”

Still, it did cause the couple to put the brakes on planning their wedding, which will now probably happen after the baby is born.

“They’re both still really committed to getting married, and were both really into making decisions about what kind of wedding they wanted,” continues the source, who adds that the nuptials were originally set for this month.

“It’s just going to be at a later date now [because] they really want to enjoy this time in their lives.”

And despite tabloid reports that the couple is expecting a girl, another source confirms to PEOPLE that they don’t know the sex of their baby.

But whether they have to stock up on blue or pink onesies, “they’re both very family-oriented and having a baby is something they both wanted,” the first source says. “It’s wonderful!”

[From People]

I’ve wondered for a while if somewhere in that box of hair that Jess calls a brain, she doesn’t wonder if it’s such a good idea to lock down Eric Johnson legally. Like, I feel like I can see slowly processing what a K-Fed he is. But maybe that’s my imagination. Maybe she’s totally in lurve. We’ll see.

By the way, OK! Magazine had an interesting (fictional) story about Jessica thinking she was pregnant with twins. If only there was *SOME* way for Jessica to find out if she was having a multiple birth (“I’m farting twice as much, does that mean there are two babies?” Jess asks her gyno).

Jessica Simpson was thrilled to have a baby – until she feared she might have two! After all Jessica Simpson’s “hot mess” years — through her divorce from Nick Lachey, and humiliation at the hands of John (“she’s sexual napalm”) Mayer and Tony Romo (who reportedly dumped her in an IHOP parking lot) — it’s been heartening to see the pregnancy glow in the singer’s eyes as she and fiancé Eric Johnson prepare for parenthood.

The star had fun with her pregnancy on Halloween, Tweeting, “It’s true — I’m going to be a mummy!” along with a photo of herself in an Egyptian mummy costume, holding her bump. But behind the punny facade, insiders say that as Jess’ body grows exponentially, she’s ridden with angst.

The biggest stressor? For a time Jessica, 31, who reportedly used IVF, was concerned that she might be carrying twins — at least.

“That was scary for her,” says the source. “Jessica is a perfectionist and she was panicking that she wouldn’t be able to cram in everything she needs to do in time for the birth. “For instance, she put so much effort into making the nursery absolutely perfect — she even had it repainted three times! So when the doctor said she might be having twins, she had to rethink everything.”

IS JESS UP TO THE JOB?

Even the thought of having one baby is starting to weigh on Jessica.

“She’s totally freaking out” an insider reveals to OK!. “Now that she’s so close to the finish line, fear is setting in. She’s been so excited to be a mom — it’s been like a fairy tale, but it’s becoming real and she worries she’s not ready.”

Indeed, Jess has a laundry list of anxieties. “She’s starting to question whether or not she’ll be a good mom,” the source explains, “or if she’s going to have postpartum depression, if she’ll get her body back. She’s just in panic mode about every little detail.”

Fortunately, when Jessica seems ready to fly off the rails, her fiancé reins her in. “Thank God for Eric,” the insider tells OK!. “The guy is a rock. He can always talk Jessica off the ledge by making a cute little joke or just by telling her what an amazing mother she’ll be. And he has really proven to Jessica that he will be a great dad!”

[From OK! Magazine]

Ah, it looks like Farty did find out that she’s not having twins. Good. But seriously, I don’t buy that she’s panicking or worried. In most photos, she looks totally blissed out and happy, and she really doesn’t seem like the kind of person who gets really stressed out over anything.

Oh, and IVF? She’s what, 31? I doubt she had IVF. She probably just farted on her birth control and it was the closest thing to divine conception ever.

Photos courtesy of Jessica’s website & Fame.

It’s pretty obvious that a famous person’s celebrity has far outweighed their talent when all their buzz is about a potential wedding and/or pregnancy. Okay, that was mean of me to say, for Jessica Simpson also carries around very large purses too, which should count for … something. Anyway, Jessica is still playing the wedding game, and the rumors have carried on since at least May when we heard that she was splashing out over a million dollars on Hawaiian nuptuals on November 11. Then, Jessica told us that we were all full of crap because the date was wrong, and the stories continued with no visible progress towards actual matrimony. First, Jessica was postponing the wedding because of weight gain and then for a boob reduction. Shortly thereafter, Jessica started looking pregnant, and In Touch added its ten cents while Jessica allegedly freaked out while taking ten pregnancy tests and Life & Style added that she was definitely knocked up and eating for two.

As time wears on, one wonders exactly why she hasn’t married Eric Johnson yet when she previously seemed so excited to do so for at least a year. Now, the Enquirer sticks with the pregnancy story but adds a new angle; that is, that Jessica realizes her relationship is doomed but has resolved to carry on as a single mother. This account comes from a “family insider” — could it possibly be Papa Joe who leaked this story?

Jessica Simpson’s joy has turned to heartbreak with the ditzy blond’s relationship with fiance Eric Johnson falling apart — and their wedding is off.

Her nearly year-long engagement to the handsome former NFL player had already run into trouble when the beauty began telling pals in mid-September that she could be pregnant with her first child. Now the couple are so overwhelmed that they’ve postponed their Nov. 11 wedding indefinitely — and friends say the relationship is doomed.

“This should be the happiest, most joyous time of Jessica’s life, but instead she’s miserable,” confided a family insider. “She and Eric are just not happy together, and they’ve agreed to put off their wedding.”

“Eric’s feeling like an outcast with Jessica, and her family fears he’s using her as a meal ticket. Jessica’s parents, Tina and Joe, are worried she’ll end up like her younger sister Ashlee — a single mom raising a child in a broken home.”

Sadly, the sexy performer, 31, is already experiencing mood swings and lashing out at 32-year-old Eric, said a close source. “Jessica cries at the drop of a hat, and when he tries to soothe her, she pushes him away and says she doesn’t want to be touched.”

Although the two have been all smiles at recent promotional appearances for Jessica’s new ready-to-wear clothing line, the source confirmed: “They’ve been putting on a brave face in public, but the relationship is falling apart.”

[From Enquirer, print edition, October 17, 2011]

Well, I hope that Jessica isn’t pregnant at all, for she doesn’t strike me as the type to embrace motherhood for more than the cute clothes and booties. If she is pregnant, then it would truly suck for her to have to raise this child on her own. Of course, she’s got the money to hire people to do it for her. With that said, I think there’s something to the fact that Jessica and Eric have apparently postponed their wedding date. Cold feet often happen for very good reason.

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN

It’s time for another episode in our new daily series, “The Farty Bump Watch: Gas, Food Baby or Actual Baby?” Except that we still don’t have new photos, but that’s okay because Jessica has been looking slightly pregnant for about a year now. Yesterday, we heard about In Touch Weekly’s “confirmation” that Jessica is knocked up, only it wasn’t really a confirmation, it was just some unnamed source talking about how Jessica is eating nachos dipped in chocolate, which is described as a “pregnancy craving” and NOT as “Jessica’s normal Wednesday”. In Touch also claims, in their print issue, that Jessica learned about her pregnancy because she took TEN pregnancy tests. Who wants to guess about what happened to the first nine tests? “Imma fart on this one, it’s gonna tell me if I got a gut full a’ chocolate nacho baby.” Meanwhile, Us Weekly says that Jessica’s wedding is definitely, totally postponed. Guess what happened there? “Imma fart on mah wedding dress–oooh, whoops, that wasn’t a fart. Musta been the chocolate nachos.”

No race to the altar here! Jessica Simpson’s ex-hubby Nick Lachey remarried in July, but the Fashion Star mentor is in no rush to say “I do” to fiance Eric Johnson. Although it’s been over 10 months since Johnson, 32, proposed, insiders tell the new Us Weekly — on stands Friday — that all wedding plans have been put on hold.

“Everything is up in the air,” a source tells Us. “She can’t figure out what kind of day she wants. Some days she wants a big wedding in Hawaii, then other days she wants something closer to home.”

But some of the 30-year-old singer’s friends fear the delay is due to more than just venue indecision.

“She was so gung ho about planning their wedding, and now she’s gone dark,” says a pal. “She won’t commit to a date.”

Meanwhile, her finance-é, Eric Johnson, is having second thoughts, and he’s feeling lost. An insider says: “His entire life is about the Simpsons, and he’s not sure that’s what he wants.”

[From Us Weekly & Jezebel]

Eric better figure it out soon, he’s going to be the proud father of a little chocolate nacho baby in less than seven months (by my estimates). Seriously, though, Eric knows what he wants: the golddigger’s paradise. Big boobs, a baby and a monthly direct deposit for his trouble.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News and Jessica‘s Twitter.

I’m a bit surprised that Jessica Simpson isn’t in New York for Fashion Week right now. Isn’t she the big fashion empire girl with nearly a billion dollars in sales? Surely, she would be at Fashion Week to see what the designers are doing this year. But no, she’s stayed in LA, and last night she and Eric were photographed leaving Mastro’s. What’s the policy on wearing jean cutoffs to a nice restaurant? Well, it’s Jessica Simpson. What is the restaurant going to do, kick her out for wearing booty shorts and farting everywhere? Business is business. And Jessica orders a lot of food and she tips well.

By the way, did you hear about Jessica’s obsessed fan who actually wrote a book about their nonexistent affair? Oh, JOHN MAYER. So obvious.

An obsessed fan who has tried to contact Jessica Simpson for years has taken it to a whole new level — writing a book about their alleged affair … despite the fact that they’ve never met.

Sources close to Simpson tell TMZ they have been dealing with Marce William Burchell, for years. We’re told her security team has a profile on him and they are aware he is now selling a book online.

The 30 page paperback has the catchy title, “The True Story of Jessica Ann Simpson’s 22 month long attempt to seduce a married man- her very Active Super Secret Sex life: True Story Jessica Simpson Seduction of A Married Man (Volume 1)” … and sells on Amazon.com for $29.99.

According to our sources, Burchell had puppies sent to her home when her beloved Daisy went missing and once got a hold of Jess’ phone number. His calls and texts forced her to eventually change it.

We contacted Burchell … and part of his 1,732 word response was, “This book was not written to hurt her, but was written as my only way to heal emotionally from the severe trauma and pain she put me through by her heartless cruel treatment of me.”

Burchell also wants to challenge Jess’ fiance Eric Johnson to a marathon — winner gets to marry Jessica.

We’re told Jessica has not contacted police … yet. Her reps had no comment.

[From TMZ]

It really does sound like John Mayer, doesn’t it? Hmmm…

But yes, once you get past the funny stuff (“True Story Jessica Simpson Seduction of A Married Man Volume 1”), it’s actually sad and crazy. I still got a little giggle though. I mean… it’s Farty McMallHair! And this guy has latched onto her.

Also, Jessica’s little sister Ashlee just gave an interview to E! News about how she and Jess are going to go a clothing line together: “We have a teen line that we’ve been working on together that’s launching in October, It’s going to be in Macy’s. It’s so fun to work together! It’s a family show…it’s fun to have the 15-year-olds come in and dress them up.” CB previously reported that Ashlee & Jess were screaming and fighting over the line, but I guess not. Ashlee also said that she doesn’t know any details about Jessica’s wedding to Eric. Interesting. I’m fascinated with the idea that Jessica isn’t pushing for a wedding. It’s almost like… she realizes Eric is a loser.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News and Fame.

These are some new photos of Jessica Simpson and her fiancé Eric Johnson at last night’s Adele concert at the Greek Theater in LA. Lots of celebrities came out for Adele – Christina Aguilera, the Glee kids and SPARKLES! I love that Sparkles loves Adele. I love that Jessica Simpson loves Adele. Everyone loves Adele! Yay! As for Jessica, at first I thought she had chopped off her hair and dyed the back hot pink… but these are just really fug earrings. Disappointing, I know. For some reason, I kind of think Jessica would look cute with hot pink hair, and I generally hate that look on adult women. For Jess, I’ll make an exception, though.

By the way, you can’t see much of Jessica’s body in these photos, but to me, she actually looks slimmer than she has in the past, which means that she’s actually following The Tracy Anderson Method effectively (unlike Kim Kardashian, who is gaining weight with The Method). Still, in last week’s In Touch Weekly, sources claimed that Jessica was considering pushing back her (alleged) November wedding because she hadn’t lost as much weight as she was expecting:

“Instead of losing weight, Jessica has gained it,” reveals a friend. The problem is that between planning the perfect wedding and running her $1 billion fashion empire, Jessica’s been running herself ragged.

“She works so much that she doesn’t have the time to spend with Tracy Anderson,” explains the friend. Jessica has been so busy, she’s also neglected her diet, and the weight’s crept on.

“She’s always eating on the go,” adds the friend. “She gave herself one year to get in perfect shape, but now the wedding is just a few months away – and she’s panicking,” reveals the friend.

Jessica is so distraught about her failed attempts to say no to tasty treats, she’s even considering pushing her big day back.

“She was rethinking her plans because she fears that she won’t look good in a wedding dress,” the friend reveals.

Jessica was planning a wedding for November 11, 2011, but with three months to go, she’s having serious doubts that she would be ready. “She wants to postpone,” confirms the friend.

Which is a problem – since Jessica and Eric have already block-booked rooms at the ritzy St. Regis Princeville Resort in Kauai, Hawaii, and charters a private jet to fly out their guests. So instead of giving up, “Jessica is going to put everything on hold until she sees if she can lose the weight and get her body in perfect shape for her wedding day.”

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

Eh. I really hope Jessica isn’t as worked up about her weight as the tabloids are. Even when she’s heavy, she’s still prettier than most girls, and I think, shock of shocks, Jessica actually found a guy who doesn’t care what her dress size is. Eric loves her and her bank account, just the way it is. That being said, I do wonder if Jessica is actually going to get married in November. Does anyone else think that Farty might be rethinking the whole thing for non-weight-related issues? I don’t know, it feels like it.

Look how good her legs look – Farty is working the program! And this guy photo-bombing Jessica and Eric is ridiculous.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News.

“I’m sleepy. And farty.”

Did you hear the story about Jessica Simpson’s phantom pregnancy this week? Go here to see the photos – Jessica stepped out in a very clingy, unflattering dress and she appeared to have what was either a second-term fetus, or a significant beer/tequila/Scotch gut. Hours after the photos came out, Jessica’s rep denied the pregnancy, of course. At this point, I don’t see her getting knocked up before the wedding, which most people think is happening on November 11, one year exactly from the day that Eric proposed to her with that tacky-looking ruby ring.

Anyway, In Touch has a great story for anyone interested in a “Stars: they have the same boring, tedious problems that I have!” story. This one is about SLEEP, one of my favorite subjects. It seems that Eric Johnson and I have one thing in common: we’re both early risers. The difference between us is that I get up to shower and work, while Eric gets up BEFORE the crack of dawn so he can go practice his golf swing. Yeah… if I was Jessica, I would be pissed off too.

The early bird gets the worm – and in Eric Johnson’s case, he also gets the wrath of his soon-to-be wife, Jessica Simpson. The unemployed former football player, 31, doesn’t have a job to report to every morning, but a friend of Jessica’s says he still likes to go to bed super-early and get up at 5:30 a.m. to go to the gym and practice his golf swing. And his senior-citizen ways are driving bread-winning Jessica, 31, up a wall.

“Jessica is getting annoyed – she makes the money but he forces her to wake up early and then plays all day long,” the friend tells In Touch.

Jessica doesn’t even seem to be putting him to work when it comes to planning and paying for their November 11 wedding. The friend says Jessica is controlling the guest list, the accomodations, the menu and even what Eric will wear.

“She told Eric to show up and that everything else will be handled. He has zero input in anything.” Except maybe what time they’ll wake up the day after!

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

Technically, Jessica doesn’t NEED to get up with Eric, but I’m betting that she wakes up when he gets out of bed, and is simply unable to go back to sleep. What an F-ing bastard. Jessica needs her sleep! BITCHES NEED THEIR SLEEP. Stop waking us up with your moaning and groaning and farting and morning boners and all of the early-morning sounds designed to make us get up and make coffee. Screw you, d-bags! Jessica should dump him just for this alone.

Photos courtesy of