Trashtastic Anna Nicole has more well-deserved legal trouble in a month than most of us see in a lifetime. She has a newborn baby she claims was spawned by her parasitic lawyer turned boyfriend, Howard K Stern, who most likely provided her teenaged son with the heroin substitute that killed him in a lethal drug interaction. Stern is under investigation for the death by the Bahamian government, where he and Anna fled in a ploy to deny the other guy paternity rights.

There is witness who claims that Stern gave Anna’s son the dose of methadone that killed him, and that he saw Stern flush the rest of the drugs down the toilet after Daniel died. Details will supposedly come out at an inquest on March 26, where more than 20 witnesses will be called to testify.

Now the self-proclaimed father of Anna’s baby, Larry Birkhead, has a legal case ordering her to submit to paternity testing by today, January 23rd. Anna’s desperate lawyers are trying all sorts of legal shell games to avoid the test, even though Howard K Stern told Larry King that Anna would submit to it “if legally compelled.”

Anna is also being sued by her former lawyers for non-payment of their massive bills in a case that claims she habitually avoids paying her creditors.

Plus she’s about to get evicted from her Bahamian home for failing to pay rent. Anna says the rich guy who owns the home, who she once tried to pin paternity of the baby on but failed when she was told he was sterile, gave her the house as a gift, while he says Anna’s a dirty squatter.

Bitch is about to get owned, and she still doesn’t have her grubby paws on the 1/2 a billion she thinks she’s owed for jerking off an 89 year-old man for a year.

Anna Nicole ran into Hulk Hogan at a boxing match in Florida recently. She attended the match with her parasitic partner, Howard K. Stern

Anna Nicole Smith is selling lots of pictures of little Dannielynn to the tabloids, angering the baby’s self-proclaimed biological father, Larry Birkhead. She’s using the money she’s earned by pimping out the baby to buy a house in the bahamas.

It’s not surprising she’s doing this, considering that she held a fake wedding with her lawyer before she could be bothered to bury her 19 year-old son, who died of a drug overdose shortly after the baby was born:

“After she sold footage and photos of the birth to a TV show, she starting seeing that child as a cash cow,” says the insider. “Howard K. Stern [Smith’s lawyer and the man whom she claims is the father of the baby] takes the pictures and they sell them to the highest bidder.” The house in the Bahamas could help Smith maintain residency there, since she’s reportedly being booted from her current house in the island nation, where she’s been living — some say to avoid paternity testing.

The situation has Larry Birkhead — the photographer who says that he, not Stern, is the baby’s father — “outraged” and “disgusted.”

“I’m outraged that they’re trying to pimp my daughter,” Birkhead tells The Scoop. “If Anna wants to sell pictures of herself, that’s one thing, but to conveniently put my daughter in every single photo to up the ante is sick and disgusting. And what’s even more disgusting is that someone would buy them because they are financially assisting someone who’s stockpiling money in an attempt to keep my child from me.”

Anna is legally required to undergo paternity testing for the baby by January 23rd, but it is thought that she will go to any means necessary to avoid the tests. She claims that Howard K. Stern is the baby’s father, and if Birkhead is proved to have fathered Dannielynn she stands to lose some of her ill-gotten gains.

Anna Nicole sported two new tattoos on her back, featuring her pictures of her posing with her deceased son on one shoulder and her baby daughter on the other.

Trashtastic Anna Nicole Smith and her weird boyfriend/lawyer Howard K. Stern took in the Samuel Peter vs. James Toney boxing match Saturday night in Florida. Smith and Stern are stateside by court order, and must submit Anna’s baby to paternity testing by January 23rd. Stern claims to be the father of the baby but the general consensus is that paparrazo Larry Birkhead is the biological father. Birkhead is suing Smith for custody.

MSNBC’s The Scoop reports that Anna is trying to set up an offshore company in order to hide potential assets from Birkhead. Anna is still fighting for a piece of the $1.6 billion estate of J. Howard Marshall, the 89 year-old guy she married and jerked off for a year before he died in 1995. His son, who was trying to bar Anna from cashing in on the will, passed away last summer, but word is that Anna doesn’t have much of a chance of getting the money now.

Anna Nicole showed off a new huge back tattoo that features her and her baby Dannielynn in a cute pose together. I first thought it was Anna’s departed son Daniel on the tattoo, but now it looks more like Anna to me. Whoever did the tattoo was probably as medicated as Anna usually is, and they certainly weren’t a talented artist. It would make more sense if it was supposed to be Daniel, but doesn’t it look like Anna?

These pictures show what a parasite Howard K. Stern is. He looks like he’s smelling Anna’s hair here and in every photo he’s grabbing onto to her. What a freak he is.

Anna Nicole did an Entertainment Tonight interview in which she tried to refute rumors about her trashtastic lifestyle. She appeared heavily made up and slurred her responses on camera, but she wasn’t as obviously inebriated as Danny DeVito on The View, and it’s possible that she just always sounds like that. She said that everyone around her wants their 15 minutes, and that they’re making up rumors about how she’s living in a dark house without power to get their name in the papers. She claims she rightfully owns the house from which she’s being evicted, but that she’s buying another big house on the water anyway.

She plans to stay in the Bahamas as her son is buried there and she had her baby daughter there.

She cried pitifully when talking about Thanksgiving, and says that she didn’t celebrate it because she’s too choked up over not having Daniel there to ask for his favorite candied yam dish.

Oh, and she said she’s pregnant again months after her having her baby Dannielynn, just like Britney. She tried to take it back, but it was too late and she achieved the desired effect. We’re all going to talk about her today. At least we don’t have to look at her snatch.

Turning to the cameras, Smith said, “I think I might be pregnant again.”

She added, “I’m not ready. (But) Howard wants to have another baby, he wants to have a little boy.”

Smith was referring to Howard K. Stern, her partner and father of her three-month-old daughter Dannielyn.

A few minutes later, she realized that she may have said a little bit too much.

“I feel we should change the subject,” she said, giggling.

The show reported that off-camera Smith told producers that she wasn’t really pregnant, she was just kidding.

You can watch the video yourself through the Entertainment Tonight website. (Video link is to the upper right.) I didn’t hear Anna Nicole say she was pregnant, but it’s possible ET cut that part out of the Internet version, and the source that claims she did is CBS news, which seems solid enough.

Anna Nicole is also being legally compelled to return to the states and submit to paternity testing, but considering that she has a lawyer for a lapdog who also claims to be the baby’s father, it’s unlikely that she’ll do so any time soon.

Thanks to ONTD and I’m Not Obsessed for the links.

Yesterday I ignored Anna Nicole because I was Halloween hungover and almost as sick of her as I am Madonna. Madonna talked more crap about baby pawn Davie Banda, saying people don’t understand why she has a child of a different color and that she doesn’t consider that more shocking than her horse-themed S&M show (Tickets still available!) or her new children’s book (in stores soon!)

Like Madonna, Anna Nicole is still making disturbing, unbelievable headlines as the latest news in her sad saga is released. There was a report that Anna wanted to bring Daniel’s body with her if she got deported from the Bahamas for not being a bona fide homeowner. She was actually said to be considering exhuming him to take him to the states with her. I really hope that’s not true, but considering that she took over a month to bury him and then asked the undertaker at his funeral if she could bathe him, it sounds plausible.

Daniel’s toxicology report reveals he had seven drugs, not just three, in his system at the time of his death. He was on several cold medications, a sedative, and yet another antidepressant along with the deadly combination of Lexapro, methadone, and Zoloft that was said to have killed him. One of the drugs he was on was Amitryptaline, a mild antidepressant that is sometimes prescribed for unspecified muscle and joint pain. I was on Amitryptaline several years ago when I suffered a drug interaction from just that and Neurontin, which I was given for bad circulation. The effects were so severe that I had slurred speech for hours and had to go to the emergency room. If that’s what happened to me with two drugs it’s not shocking that a cocktail of similar drugs would kill someone.

The man who claims he’s the father of Anna Nicole’s less than two month old newborn claims in new court papers that she dyed the tyke’s hair to get her to look more like her the other guy she claims is the father. He says that in clips he saw of an upcoming “Entertainment Tonight” interview with Smith the baby’s hair is now dark when it was blonde when she was first born. He think Anna dyed the baby’s hair and says it’s “horrendous” and harmful to the child.

Anna Nicole had pneumonia recently and had to be treated at the same hospital where she gave birth and Daniel died. Her lung needed to be drained of excessive fluid after severe pain sent her to the emergency room. The illness was blamed on a “cold snap,” but as Mollygood points out it’s been consistenly warm in the Bahamas so it’s more likely that she’s just worn out from too much drugs and drama.

Oh yeah, and she’s also battling an eviction notice from yet another guy she once claimed was the father of her baby. Confused yet?

Anna Nicole managed to kept her foolish mouth shut for almost two months, but that’s going to change soon. An interview with her will air tonight on “Entertainment Tonight” spinoff “The Insider,” in which she wonders aloud why God didn’t take her instead of Daniel. We are wondering the same thing.

Anna Nicole Smith was indeed served eviction papers by yet another man who could potentially be Dannielynne’s father, as we reported yesterday.

It turns out that Anna was banging a guy in Florida at the same time she got sperminated by the most likely candidate, paparrazi photographer Larry Birkhead. The other guy was a wealthy old real estate developer, and true to form Anna tried to pin the pregnancy on him since he has more cash and she’s still waiting for the over half a billion she thinks she’s owed for being married to a 89 year-old man for just over a year.

The other guy, Gaither Ben Thompson, told Anna that there’s no way he could be the father of her baby since he’s had a vasectomy. Anna was forced to admit to him that the baby was Birkhead’s:

Sources say in May of this year, Anna Nicole contacted Thompson to say that he was the father of her soon-to-be-born baby girl. It’s especially interesting because we’re told that Anna Nicole had contacted people familiar with Thompson inquiring about his wealth. That’s when Thompson dropped a bombshell — that it was impossible for him to father a baby because he had already had a vasectomy. Days later, sources say Anna Nicole confessed to Thompson that Larry Birkhead was the father. Birkhead, an entertainment photographer who had a relationship with Anna Nicole, has filed legal papers in Los Angeles to establish paternity.

What’s more, Anna was hanging out with her creepy lawyer, Howard K. Stern, down in Florida at the same time she was screwing Thompson. This lends credence to Larry Birkhead’s claim that Howard is just Anna’s buddy and methadone supplier and there’s no way he’s the father of her newborn.

The house worth $1 million where Anna is staying in the Bahamas, and upon which her residency depends since she claims to be a homeowner, is owned by Thompson.

Thompson gave her the house in August because he felt sorry for her and expected to be paid back. Indeed, Anna seems to have netted enough from photo ops to be able to afford mortgage payments, but Thompson says she hasn’t given him anything and has to get out by October 31st.

If Anna gets deported to the states because she no longer has a house in the Bahamas she could be legally forced to get paternity testing due to Larry Birkhead’s lawsuit. Anna and Howard claim the baby is Howard’s due to “timing,” but have refused to submit to any DNA tests. Anna and Howard did not show up for a meeting in the Bahamas with Birkhead’s lawyer on Monday, making it seem like they’re avoiding the paternity issue at all costs.

The complexity of Anna’s situation is probably completely lost to her, but at least the methadone is taking the edge off. She took 39 days to bury her son Daniel after he died of a drug interaction in her hospital room. She wailed unconsolably at the funeral, and asked the funeral director if she could take her dead son’s corpse home for a warm bath.

It’s hard to imagine how the Anna Nicole Smith saga could get any more Shakespearean. (Unless Daniel was the father of her baby, Howard was really a woman, and all of them go to jail. That sounds like a fitting outcome.)

Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern’s drug den in the Bahamas is rented, and they haven’t paid anything for it, so the owner might evict them. What’s more is that he’s also rumored to be the father of Anna’s baby. Who isn’t?

Meanwhile add Anna’s half-sister, Donna Hogan, to the list of relatives that are trashing her. Her sister says she’s a “freaking waste of a human being” for waiting so long to bury her son but managing to get married and sell the pictures in the very long interim. By the way, her sister is also publishing a tell-all book about Anna that will come out next month.

Among the revelations in the book is Donna’s suggestion that Anna’s long-dead husband, billionaire J. Howard Marshall, could be the father of Dannielynn because Anna “always talked of freezing [Howard’s] sperm”

According to Hogan, Smith “doesn’t even know who the father of her children is,” and suggests that her newborn’s father could be her late husband, millionaire J. Howard Marshall, because Smith “always talked of freezing the old man’s sperm.”

Last week, an attorney for Anna said she would not submit Dan-nielynn to a DNA test demanded by ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead, who believes he, not her lawyer Howard K. Stern, is the daddy.

Anna’s own mother said just last week that Daniel’s death was suspicious and that Howard K. Stern should be investigated.

When I saw these pictures of Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern’s wedding I kind of cringed a little. Anna looks strung out and greasy faced, especially in the picture of her holding her baby. The whole thing seems like a ridiculous stunt considering that she had a baby and her son died just three weeks ago.

The accompanying article is a fluff piece about how great the fake wedding was and how Anna’s been coping with the tragedy of losing her son after supplying him with methadone.

When asked why they had the stupid ceremony in the first place, a different one of Anna’s lawyers claimed they needed the “adrenaline rush.” It looks like the cash for the pictures was a bigger motivation.

Larry Birkhead has filed suit at an LA courthouse claiming paternity of Anna Nicole’s newborn Dannielynn. In statements given to the press, he insists that Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern are just friends, that there’s no way Stern is the father of Anna’s baby, and that Stern was often hanging around the house when he visited Anna. He also claims that Anna miscarried an earlier baby she conceived with him.

These pictures destroyed any shred of sympathy I had left for Anna. I wish her well and I hope her baby gets the care it needs, but she and Howard need to be questioned and put on trial to determine their role in Daniel’s death.

Photos from People Magazine. There is also one picture from Splash News Online of Larry Birkhead arriving at court to file paternity papers.

Anna Nicole’s quick weight loss and loopy public appearances make a lot more sense in light of the lawsuit filed by the man who claims he’s her baby’s daddy. Photographer Larry Birkhead says Anna is addicted to the heroin substitute methadone and that her lawyer Howard K. Stern is her dealer. In a lawsuit asking for custody of Anna’s newborn, Danilynne, Birkhead claims that Anna escaped to the Bahamas right before she was due to give birth in order to avoid drug testing, with the added benefit of denying him paternity rights.

He also says that not only is Howard K. Stern not the father of the baby, but that Anna initially shopped around for another man to pose as her baby’s daddy:

If this is true it sheds light onto why Anna was overheard screaming “You did this!” when she first found her son Daniel’s lifeless body. Daniel died from a lethal combination of methadone, Zoloft, and Lexapro. He only had a prescription for Lexapro. Howard might have slipped him a little something extra to help him relax after his long journey to meet his new baby sister.

That’s incredibly sad. Anna and Howard need to be taken into custody soon and questioned about Daniel’s death.

Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern held a “commitment ceremony” aboard a yacht attended by an officator and some of their friends. While it was initially thought to be a wedding, it turned out to just be a bizarre ceremony with no legal purpose. They issued a statement condemning the press for invading their private party with jetboats delivering champagne, but it sure comes off as hypocritical now. It turns out that they invested the money from selling Daniel’s last photographs into throwing a fake wedding so they could sell the pictures and make bank.

Getty Images, the photo agency that purchased the rights to the last heartbreaking photos of Daniel Smith with his mother and newborn little brother sister, also paid $1 million for the pictures of the bullshit wedding:

Now that no one feels sorry for Anna at all, she’s getting sued by her baby’s daddy for paternity rights. Photographer Larry Birkhead claims that he’s the father of Anna’s baby, not her drugged lawyer, Howard K. Stern. Stern told Larry King that he’s the father, but skirted the question when asked if he would take a DNA test, and said he would have a paternity test only if “legally compelled.” Birkhead has called him on his comments, and has filed suit to have Anna and the baby tested for both drugs and paternity:

Anna’s just about to crawl back into the career hole she emerged from when she starred in that annoying reality series and lost a ton of weight with gastric bypass. She squandered public sentiment with opportunism. If she can’t get ahold of the billions of dollars she married her ancient second husband for, at least she can take advantage of her newfound tragic fame to make a quick buck.