Sometimes, you just want to laugh at someone because you don’t really like them, and because they suck as a person. But when I actually have a good reason to laugh at someone I don’t care for… I will have an indescribable feeling of something close to schadenfreude, but what I think of as “exquisite bitchiness” or “hitting the bitchy G-spot perfectly.” That’s what’s happening in these photos of Jessica Seinfeld in NYC yesterday. Jessica and Jerry did a photo op at the Empire State Building earlier in the day (Jessica in grey), and then last night, they did an event for Jessica’s charity, Baby Buggy (Jessica in that weird purple shade).

I’m not going to discuss the charity, mostly because I’m not that big of a bitch – Baby Buggy provides lots of great stuff to families in need, and you can read more about it here. All I really want to talk about is how awful Jessica looks. That haircut is just… OMG. Do you think Jessica is a complete bitch to her hair stylist? Because the only explanation for this hair is “the person doing her hair f–king hates her.”

Now, let’s talk about the fashion. The grey dress isn’t anything great nor is it terrible. It’s just there. But the purple one which she wore to her big Lincoln Center charity event? OMG. It’s just awful and unflattering and completely wrong. Her fashion stylist must hate her too.

CB and I were also discussing the state of Jessica’s rack. In the purple dress, her boobs look really fake – like the bolt-ons are riding high and stiff. I’m open to the possibility that it’s just a really weird bra, maybe? No, I still think those puppies are fake. When did Jerry buy her new boobs?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

According to the National Enquirer, environmentalist and actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus is trying to convince her old co-star Jerry Seinfeld to stop living like a super rich natural-resource sucking pig. I don’t pay a lot of attention to her, but it’s worth noting that she comes from obscene money, like she’s the heir to a billion-plus fortune, and prior to learning that I assumed she was just a sitcom actress paying her dues. She doesn’t pull rank or flash her wealth, is what I’m saying. This story kind of brings that home for me. Meanwhile Jerry Seinfeld owns at least 46 Porsches. Like I don’t know if it’s every single Porsche ever made, but it’s thought to be the largest collection. Anyway Julia is maybe-badgering Jerry about it.

[Julia Louis-Dreyfus] has been peppering Jerry, 57, with e-mails and phone calls in an attempt to encourage him to become environmentally friendly, said a pal of Julia.

“Julia is an avid recycler, only uses water when she has to and drives and electric car,” explained the source.

And while Jerry supports some conservationist causes and has done a promotional spot for America’s National Parks, “he loves his fleet of fast gas-chomping cars.”

In fact the insider said he even makes fun of people with electric cars!

“He joked to Julia that he isn’t ready to become a tree-hugger just yet, and that she should leave all the green stuff to Captain Planet…”

Jerry’s legendary car collection is house, in part, in a 22-car garage at his palatial Long Island estate…

In contrast, Julia… lives in a far more modest eco-friendly home in Montecito near Santa Barbara, CA.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, September 19, 2011]

The other day, this mom I know through my kid’s friend spent like a half hour on the phone trying to convince me to go to a Christian woman’s conference. I made the mistake (in her eyes) of once rejecting an offer for my kid to go to Bible study. This lady was truly convinced I was going to hell for not sharing her belief system and she somehow thought she could convince me where years of experience and study have failed. She was nicer about it than that, but the message came through loud and clear. (Most of my friends are Christians and they can tell me about their church and Bible stuff and we’re cool with each other. This was different.)

Just to clarify, I’m not saying that living an environmentally responsible lifestyle, and being committed to that lifestyle and trying to share it with your friends, is the same as being a religious person and thinking other people really must believe the exact same thing. I’m just thinking that to someone like Julia, who is so green she glows, she does see it as a personal mission to get her close friends to come around and lower their environmental footprint. Only she’s not saving their souls, she’s saving the planet. My take on it is that it takes more than just one person to get someone to come around. It’s like politics, people believe what they believe and it takes a personal experience to change their opinion. Being environmentally responsible is more of a societal issue in that it has to be easier and more convenient to do the right thing when it comes to recycling and living responsibly. And there are always going to be jerks like Seinfeld who feel entitled to take as much of the pie as they can.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is shown in August, 2010. Jessica and Jerry Seinfeld are shown in April, 2011. Other photo is a promo photo of the cast of Seinfeld. Credit: WENN.com

When the story broke Tuesday that comedian Jerry Seinfeld called Lady Gaga a “jerk” for flipping off fans and photographers at a Mets game (which she showed up to wearing a black bra and panties and fishnet stockings – you know, normal baseball game attire), resulting in her getting moved to Jerry’s luxury suite so she could have some privacy, a suprising number of people took Gaga’s side. But that’s not stopping Jerry from saying what he thinks about the whole situation. A longtime Mets fan, Jerry was doing some guest commentary on last night’s game when former Met Keith Hernandez, now a broadcaster for the Mets’ games, asked him about Gaga.

If you’ve ever watched Seinfeld, then you know Jerry is a big Mets fan. Tonight, he visited the Mets’ booth with Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez for a few innings. Lady Gaga came up, and Jerry did not hold back.

Once again, Seinfeld addressed head on the Gaga middle finger incident from her surprise appearance last week at Citi Field last week—one he was brought into after Gaga was given his luxury suite for a few innings without his prior consent. After discussing his feelings on her behavior (spoiler: he’s still not happy about it), Seinfeld delved into the steps taken to cleanse his booth of her presence.

[From Gawker]

Here’s a transcription of what Jerry had to say when asked about Gaga-Gate:

[Seinfield]: I wasn’t really upset. Let me just say that we’re all fans of Lady Gaga. Lame, out-of-it, white guys in their 50′s, that’s her core audience. But I’m very protective of my Mets fans, and I did not like the finger.
[Hernandez]: It’s disrespectful.
[Seinfeld]: Yes, it was disrespectful, and she was a guest in our park.
[Hernandez]: In your suite.
[Gary Cohen, another broadaster]: Well, she was in front row seats, and I guess she was upset with that.
[Jerry]: Well, we don’t understand the kids today and the music industry. I’m sure everyone will all be bigger fans of her now that she’s cussed us out. That’s how it works…She should make a nice apology to the Mets fans. That would be nice. She was a guest here.
We had her as a guest. And then I would be willing to forget the whole thing.
[Cohen]: Everything okay in your seats now? They didn’t trash them?
[Jerry]: No, everything’s fine. We brought the bedbug dog in, Rusty, what’s his name, the Beagle? And it’s all clean.

[From video posted on Gawker]

I think it’s pretty obvious that Jerry Seinfeld is doing what comedians do- making a joke about this whole thing. So what if he’s a “lame, out-of-it, white guy in his 50′s?” He’s still funny, and I think everyone is making kind of a big deal out of this whole thing- which, I’m sure, is exactly what Lady Gaga wanted in the first place. Why else would someone show up to a public place where there are lots of people with cameras, dressed in her underwear? I think Gaga would shrivel up and die if she had to go more than 30 seconds without people looking at her. So, well played, Gaga.

For two weekends in a row, Lady Gaga went to a baseball game in New York and made an ass out of herself. The first time, she allegedly showed up drunk at Shea Stadium, then proceeded to get even more bombed as people started coming up to her and talking to her. Security was concerned, so they moved her to a private box – which happened to be owned by Jerry Seinfeld. Then last weekend, Gaga arrived again, in her bra and panties and got bombed again in a private box, then broke into the locker room and began feeling up her Gaga tittays. She was very nearly banned – but I don’t think she was in the end. Anyway, somebody decided to get Jerry Seinfeld’s take on the situation – and let’s just say he’s not a fan.

Twelve days after Lady Gaga wound up in his box at Shea Stadium during a Mets game, Jerry Seinfeld has called her “a jerk” and then some. Joking or no? Read and decide.

“This woman is a jerk. I hate her,” Seinfeld said during a WFAN radio interview on Monday, perhaps . “I can’t believe they put her in my box, which I paid for.”

Gaga, dressed in bra and swilling beer, was moved from her front row seat to Seinfeld’s empty box (without his knowledge) after flipping off photographers.

“You give people the finger and you get upgraded? Is that the world we’re living in now?” he said.

Seinfeld first said when asked about the June 10th incident, reports the NY Post, “I wish her the best.. you take one ‘A’ off of that and you’ve got gag.”

“I don’t know what these young people think or how they promote their careers,” Seinfeld said. “I’m older, I’m 56. I look at Lady Gaga the way Keith Hernandez watches these kids when they pull the pocket out, they wear the inside-out pocket. … Do you think he understands that? He can’t understand that. That’s a new game, that’s kids.”

He added, “I’m not one of these all-publicity-is-good people. People talk about you need exposure — you could die of exposure.”

The Mets game in question was eight days before the Yankees episode that landed her on the cover of Sunday’s New York Post.

[From HuffPo]

On one side, I get Seinfeld’s point – after all, it was his box, he paid for it, and even though he wasn’t using it doesn’t mean he wants Gaga’s germs in there. And Gaga was acting like an a–hole, which Jerry and everyone else has the right to call her out on. On the other side, when Jerry Seinfeld talks like this, he sounds like a f-cking has-been. And he’s not really – he’s just so f-cking rich, he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He’s disconnected, he’s crotchety, and there’s also a dash of hypocrisy in the mix. He’s giving a lecture on the art of publicity and how the game has changed, when all he had to do to help out his plagiarist wife was buy Oprah a hundred pair of shoes and suddenly Jessica Seinfeld is the most unique writer in the world to middle America. So, Jessica Seinfeld gets to f-ck and buy her way to literary stardom, while Gaga is dismissed for working her way up from the bottom on talent, ingenuity and an other-worldly gift for PR stunts? Bullsh-t.

Lady Gaga on June 18, 2010. Credit: Fame. Header: Seinfeld on April 20, 2010. Credit: Fame.

Annoying comedian and former sitcom star Jerry Seinfeld will be back on the airwaves inflicting his unique brand of mean humor on the public. Only this time he’ll be trying to impart marriage and relationship advice while getting his trite digs in. The 55 year-old comedian will host a show called “Marriage Ref” in which he and a panel of celebrities meet with troubled couples and provide advice for their problems. It sounds fascinating. The LA Times has more, including the detail that the concept was allegedly conceived by Seinfeld’s wife. I wonder whose original idea she jacked for that one.

Jerry Seinfeld is giving the credit for his return to network television to his wife, Jessica.

The comedian said his wife came up with the idea for “The Marriage Ref,” a comedic look at the battles between married couples. The show will premiere on NBC Feb. 28 after the closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.

The concept came up during an argument Seinfeld and his wife were having while out at dinner with a friend. When the friend became uncomfortable and tried to leave, the couple persuaded the friend to listen to both sides of the dispute and decide who was right. They agreed to abide by the decision.

“Sports simplicity is what’s missing in marriage,” Seinfeld said.

Each show will feature three to five couples who will air their disagreement during a filmed segment at their home. A panel of celebrities in a studio will then debate the issues before handing the matter over to comedian Tom Papa — the Marriage Ref — who will make the final judgment.

Panelists already signed to appear include Tina Fey, Charles Barkley, Alec Baldwin and Larry David. Seinfeld is expected to appear during the premiere and a few other episodes.

When asked why his show did not have a panel of experts to guide the couples, Seinfeld quipped, “Experts are helpful. That’s not our thing.”

[From LA Times via The OK Magazine]

Please let this fail please let this fail. I can’t stand this couple ever since Jessica stole an entire cookbook andJerry defamed the author, calling her a “wacko” and comparing her to a serial killer.

The London Telegraph reports that some of the husband/wife scenarios “include a husband who enrages his wife by parking a motorcycle in their living room, and a couple who argue about whether to have their dead dog stuffed.” Whatever happened to regular couple arguments over the kids, money, or housework?

A lot of my friends loved Seinfeld but I never got the appeal of the show. I found it formulaic and thought the characters were too narcissistic. We’ll see how this goofy show does on TV. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it tanks. Jerry Seinfeld can go drive his vintage Porsches and continue making lame jokes about his privileged life.

Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld are shown at the Bee Movie premiere on 10/27/08. I hated that movie and I can tolerate all kinds of kid films. Credit: Juan Rico/Fame Pictures

As NBC takes a huge dive-bomb in their ratings, it’s come to the time where everyone begins assigning blame. Who shall take the blame for the boneheaded idea of cancelling out all 10 p.m. scheduling in favor of Jay Leno’s inane show? Who will take the blame for putting Conan O’Brien’s “not mainstream enough, yet not quirky enough” humor on The Tonight Show? Who will get the blame for millions of advertising dollars fleeing NBC like rats from a sinking ship? Who will get the blame for NBC not having any of the top twenty shows, week after week after week?

Well, it looks like the f-cking geniuses at NBC programming have decided to blame the talent. And I’m using that word “talent” loosely, of course. PopEater’s gossip guy is reporting that there are some rumors and theories being tossed around that Conan O’Brien is going to get the ax. Not just dumped… but replaced with NBC’s dream candidate, Jerry Seinfeld. Jesus… NBC is run and operated by the biggest idiots in the world:

With Conan O’Brien ratings slipping faster than Tiger Woods’ endorsement appeal, TV executives are telling me that informal discussions have started to occur within 30 Rock as to who would be the home-run replacement for the hysterical but sagging redhead. The name on everyone’s wish list? Jerry Seinfeld.

“NBC just can’t carry on like this. ‘The Tonight Show’ has lost 52 percent of its viewership in just one year. The November ratings will be the show’s lowest in 15 years. They would be idiots to not be having the replacement conversation,” a source tells me.

However, getting Seinfeld — who had a long, successful relationship with NBC in the ’90s and who, ironically, agreed to be the first guest when NBC moved Leno to 10 p.m. — is a long shot and Conan’s people are denying it entirely. NBC spokesperson Drew Shane responded: “Completely false. There are no conversations happening. Conan is the host of the ‘Tonight Show.’”

Way to stand by your man! We love Conan and want him to succeed no matter what timeslot he’s on.

[From PopEater]

I think there might be something to the theory that some higher-ups at NBC want Conan gone, or shuffled back to late-late night. But I honestly think that if they made that douchey move (and it a douchey move, even if Conan does suck on the Tonight Show), they would offer the Tonight Show back to Jay Leno first. And Leno has already said he would take it back, if offered. I sincerely hope everyone at NBC realizes what a magnificent clusterf-ck they’ve gotten themselves into. They deserve my scorn. I will never get used to watching Law & Order at 8 p.m. on a Friday!

Jessica Seinfeld outside a Kabbalah costume party in early March with Madonna’s beau, Jesus Luz. Credit: PacificCoastNews.com

The National Enquirer has a new story that suggests there’s trouble in haughty paradise for Jerry Seinfeld and his plagiarizing wife, Jessica. Jerry is said to be “freaked out” at how much time Jessica is spending with her friend Madonna, and worries that the aging pop star is “corrupting” the mother of his three children:

[Jerry Seinfeld] is blaming the just-divorced Material Girl for “corrupting” the mother of his three kids, who’s become Madonna’s new BFF, sources tell The Enquirer. “Jerry’s wife Jessica is suddenly spending a lot of her time with Madonna and her new toyboy Jesus Luz, and Jerry is freaked out!” a friend divulged.

“He doesn’t like Jessica staying out until all hours of the night and meeting people he doesn’t know. He’s afraid Madonna is corrupting her.”…

And now Jerry’s fretting that Madonna’s 22-year-old Brazilian beau will bring more hunks to the party.

“Jerry’s worried that with Jesus tagging along, more toyboys will spice things up,” said another insider. “he dreads Madonna encouraging young hotties in tight pants to make nice to his wife.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, May 11, 2009]

After the way these two treated the woman whose book Jessica ripped off, I couldn’t give a crap if they broke up or not. Part of me is wishing that they’ll have some kind of high profile divorce in which we learn about all of their transgressions and Jessica is awarded 1/2 of Jerry’s fortune, forcing him to sell off his Porsche collection. That’s an awful thing to say though, so I’ll just feign disinterest in the state of their relationship.

These two met at the gym when Jessica was newly married and didn’t waste any time. She broke up with her poor husband to get together with Jerry. He knows she’s capable of cheating and probably has that in the back of his mind while she’s out partying with Madonna. Serves him right.

Madonna is shown below outside the costume party dressed as her daughter, Lourdes.

Jerry Seinfeld has come up with a truly asinine reality TV show. And for something to be asinine for reality TV is really saying something. But he’s managed to do it, with a pointless show about couples who are going through problems in their marriage. The show will feature guests celebrity judges/commentators, who will advise the couples on how to handle their troubles.

Jerry Seinfeld is reteaming with NBC to launch his first reality series. The comedian’s project is tentatively called “The Marriage Ref” and features celebrities, comedians and athletes who will judge couples in the midst of marital disputes while recommending various strategies to resolve their problems.

“Some of the greatest comedies in the history of television have been around marriages,” [NBC co-chair Ben] Silverman said. “The concept is so universal and accessible, and obviously it works so well when it comes from somebody with a point of view — and nobody has a stronger point of view on this subject than Seinfeld.” Six one-hour episodes have been ordered for a planned fall release.

Seinfeld’s role is behind the camera as an executive producer and creator, but given the show’s celebrity-guest format, it’s not too difficult to imagine an occasional on-camera appearance. Executive producer Rakieten said Seinfeld’s voice will be evident in the show’s commentaries. “Every single person in a relationship can completely relate to this show,” Rakieten said. “We all have the same fights, and there’s a bottomless well of content.”

Added Seinfeld: “This is not a therapy show, it’s a comedy show. After nine years of marriage, I have discovered that the comedic potential of this subject is quite rich.”

[From The Live Feed]

Interesting that Seinfeld thinks he knows so much about marriage and relationships that he should create and produce a show advising people about them. Considering he met his wife Jessica while she was on her honeymoon with her first husband. Quite the tawdry beginning. I wonder if he’ll advise couples to seduce newly married folks?

Ever since the whole scandal with Jessica Seinfeld copying another writer’s cookbook – and the terrible way Jerry Seinfeld handled the situation (name calling, mocking on Letterman, etc), I haven’t been able to stand him. The show sounds stupid regardless, and I can’t say I wish the guy much luck.

Here’s Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld at Vanity Fair’s the Academy Awards party on Sunday. Images thanks to WENN.com.

Jerry Seinfeld was on David Letterman Friday doing his schtick from the other side of the desk. He told some funny jokes that made me laugh but he came off as a smug jerk. You could tell they’d set it up ahead of time and Letterman was the straight man who helped Seinfeld move on to the next topic. Maybe I’m just unable to appreciate his humor after he responded to pretty compelling allegations that his wife plaigiarized another woman’s book by calling the other author names during his last appearance on the Late Show.

Seinfeld’s jokes were sort-of funny in that dry kind of way of his. I never got his sitcom when it was on and found it kind of useless and repetitive. They seemed to hardly vary the formula on that show, but I have friends who loved it and found it very funny.

Some of my favorite memories with my four year-old son are of kid’s parties. My son has his little friends he looks forward to seeing and he talks about them all the time. Seinfeld doesn’t agree. In his seated monologue on Seinfeld he called other people’s children funny-looking and mocked the concept of children that age having friends. It was just a joke, but it seems to be rooted in whatever reality is for the 54 year-old comic who owns every Porsche that’s ever been made:

“I go to [kids parties.] I hate every single one of them.

“Do you find that other people’s kids – they never look quite right? You ask your wife. Is his head supposed to be that way?

“I hate everything about kids birthday parties. They don’t know that these are their friends, they don’t know what’s going on.”

At least Seinfeld is going to these things with his kids and isn’t passing this kids off to a nanny or his wife to take them everywhere. Is he a curmudgeon dad who enjoys it despite himself or is he just going to these events to get material for these skits?

Seinfeld and his wife Jessica have three children, daughter Sascha, eight, and sons Julian Kal, five and a half, and Shepherd Kellen, three. Jerry and Jessica first met at a sports club in NY. Jessica was newly-married and working in public relations at the time. She quickly got a divorce and married Jerry in 1999.

Thanks to the Huffington Post for featuring this video.

Madonna and A-Rod met for quite the secret tryst, according to Page Six. The two helicoptered – separately – to Madge’s good friends Jerry and Jessica Seinfelds’ place for some alone time recently. Why the separate helicopters? Well because nothing says, “We’re not doing anything wrong” like two choppers loudly landing at the same location half an hour apart. Clearly Madge places a great importance on the appearance of propriety.

IT was like a scene out of a James Bond movie last week, as Madonna and Alex Rodriguez secretly jetted off in two private helicopters for a quick and cozy rendezvous in the Hamptons, Page Six has learned. Instead of booking a motel room, the two headed straight to Jerry Seinfeld’s waterfront mansion, where they relaxed in luxury for several hours.

“The Seinfelds have been friends with Madonna for years. They’re neighbors on the West Side, so it’s really no surprise,” said an insider. “And Jerry and [wife] Jessica go to her concerts whenever she’s in town.” Our spies say the clandestine East End meeting between soon-to-be-divorced Madge and freshly single A-Rod occurred on Oct. 21. A chopper carrying the Yankee slugger was seen landing in East Hampton, where he was picked up in a white Porsche 911 matching the description of Jessica’s car.

Less than 40 minutes later, another helicopter that took off from Chelsea Piers with Madonna aboard landed at the same airstrip. “A dark SUV and Jerry in another Porsche both pulled up and picked up Madonna and they headed back to Jerry’s place,” a witness told us. “When they arrived at the Seinfeld home, Madonna poked her head out the window and could be clearly seen.”

It’s not known what the Bronx Bomber, 33, and the Material Mom, 50 – who insist they are just friends – did during their stay at Seinfeld’s 12-acre spread. “About four hours later, the dark SUV left the house and took them all back to the airport. Madonna and the Seinfelds could clearly be seen getting out and piling into the copter that had taken Madonna there in the first place. They left together,” our witness said. “Several minutes later, the helicopter that carried A-Rod also left.”

[From Page Six]

I love the line about “It’s not known what [they] did during their stay.” Yeah I don’t want to visualize it either, but I’m guessing I could probably come up with a few generic basics if push came to shove. What would be even more horrifying is if Page Six did know what Madonna and Alex did during their stay.

A-Rod is clearly incredibly into Madonna. I don’t totally understand it… or even slightly understand it, to be honest. But he’s showering her with gifts. Star says he’s given her a 22-karat-gold bracelet that says bashert, which is Yiddish for “meant to be.” In Touch calls him the “Anti-Guy” pointing out that he’s also bought Madge a Louis Vuitton purse, a pink cocktail ring worth $2,600 and a $8,500 chunky gold necklace. Since it seems like nearly every detail of their lives is already known; they might as well step out publicly together at this point.

Here’s Alex Rodriguez leaving the Reebok Gym in New York City the day after his tryst with Madonna. Photographer: Ray Filmano. Images thanks to WENN. Header of Madonna leaving Kabbalah on October 1st. Images thanks to Fame.