Anything having to do with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt makes me feel uncontrollably nauseous. And I know I’m not alone here – I think it’s safe to say this applies to 99.9999% of the rest of the world as well. The notorious media whoring couple just can’t keep one single moment of their lives private, and have decided to pimp their wedding to MTV. With just about any other celebrity couple, this would be somewhere between fabulous and semi-interesting, depending on the couple. But with Heidi and Spencer, it’s just the next step in a process that serves to inflate their undeservedly large egos – and bank accounts.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt want to do it on live television. The pressaholic reality-television couple have been talking to MTV honchos about a live telecast of their upcoming nuptials!

Montag, 21, has told MTV programming and development honcho Tony DiSanto that they’re ready to say their I-do’s for the cameras, a source reports.

No surprise, but DiSanto is said to be keen on the idea.

According to Montag and Pratt’s weekly latest cover story in Us, their dream is a small wedding on Sir Richard Branson’s Necker Island in the Virgin Islands, with catering by Wolfgang Puck’s Cut restaurant, watches by Jason of Beverly Hills for all their guests and a performance by U2.

Of course, Montag wants to warble out a tune, too.

[From E! News]

What wonderfully delusional wedding plans. I cannot believe these two haven’t released a sex tape yet. They keep absolutely nothing to themselves. I imagine their home is probably something like the Big Brother house, with cameras in every room. Every night before bed they go over the footage and find the most photogenic shots to release to In Touch and Us Weekly the next day.

Once Heidi and Spencer get married, what’s left for them? Giving birth on VH1, no doubt. Probably with some super-exclusive mini-camera access to Heidi’s birth canal. A lifetime of over-exposed, completely dull reality television from the two flattest characters on television may very well await us all.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer outside the Ed Sullivan Theatre before taping the ‘Late Show With David Letterman’ in New York City on Monday. Images thanks to WENN.

I try really hard not to be one of those people that’s always bemoaning the lack of justice and fairness in the world, at least when it comes to material, trivial things. But this is just beyond all of my restraint. According to a report that came out yesterday, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have made over $3 million in the last two years. Yep, all those posed “candid” shots of them going for carriage rides in Central Park and being all lovely dovey in matching outfits at baseball games actually were worth something. A lot of it, in fact.

MTV’s “The Hills” Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are one the most photo and press-friendly couples on tv, and they know how to cash in on it.

In Touch Weekly claims:
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag may be one of the most controversial couples on television — but they’re laughing all the way to the bank. Since coupling up on The Hills two years ago, the pair have raked in about $3 million from their TV salaries, club appearances, photo shoots and business deals. “We are trying to entertain in every aspect of our lives,” Heidi says. “Reality stars are grasping for their 15 minutes of fame,” notes David Scott Sloan, a private wealth services lawyer who doesn’t work with them. “And it looks like Heidi and Spencer are trying to make the most of their chance.” For Heidi, 21, that means also pursuing a music and acting career. “I plan to win an Oscar,” she says. “I’m very ambitious.” Although the couple haven’t made any money off her singing yet, Spencer, 24, who is also Heidi’s manager, is very optimistic about their financial future. “My hustle is just too crazy,” he says. “I’m trying to take over the world!”

[From the Huffington Post]

How badly did you just want to throw up? It’s that sort of deluded self confidence that leads to people like David Blaine and every reality “star” on the planet. And you know what, I could deal with that. I mean Heidi and Spencer are morons, and totally clueless to the fact that everyone hates them. But now I understand why they’re clueless – the pair are making bank. If I had raked in $3 million in two years and people sometimes mentioned I was really disliked, I’d hand them my bank statement and be like, “What were you saying?”

Now I totally understand why Heidi and Spencer don’t get how hated they are. And even if they do - and are just playing naive – clearly they’re doing a pretty good job at playing the game. This makes me want to punch Spencer Pratt in the ear even harder than before.

Here’s a “best of” Heidi and Spencer’s contrived candid moments. Images thanks to WENN.

The Hills star Heidi Montag isn’t content to get US Weekly covers for non-stories about how she’s fighting with her ex best friend or thinks her boyfriend betrayed her, but isn’t willing to reveal any actual details. Now she’s planning to fake a pregnancy in order to get more attention over the summer. Star has the story, and while they do make up a lot of their content I would bet this one is true:

A source tells Star that [Heidi and Spencer] want to hog more of the spotlight by faking a pregnancy!

“This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around her waist to make it appear as if she’s about three months along,” says the insider. “The plan is to get the baby rumor mill going so she can get phoographed more. She and Spencer won’t confirm or deny the pregnancy so they can keep everyone guessing.”

According to the source, Heidi, 21, and Spencer, 24, have plotted each step carefully. First the aspiring singer will stop drinking. Then she’ll visit chic children’s boutiques… to pick out baby stuff. But by the end of the summer, Heidi will be photographed bumpless and sporting a skimping bikini while strolling along the beach.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, May 26, 2008]

Just about everything about Heidi is fake, so a fake baby would be just her style. I guess there isn’t much more she can pull to get attention. While it’s not original, a faux pregnancy is better for extended press coverage than a see through top or a crotch flash. Heidi may not have a lot of class, but at least she hasn’t shown us her goods yet.

In related Hills news, Heidi’s co-star and friend Audrina Patridge is said to have held two separate birthday parties for her 23rd birthday in order to accommodate both Lauren and Heidi, who can’t stand to be around each other. According to the latest edition of In Touch, Lauren held a barbeque party on May 9 at their home for Audrina, and then Audrina had a casino-themed party at her parents house the next night. She invited Heidi, but not Lauren because she “didn’t want there to be any awkward run-ins.” Lauren was hanging out with other friends that night and it sounds like Audrina knew this and did not deliberately snub her.

TMZ reports that Heidi and Spencer and two of their friends were out at a restaurant this weekend while filming The Hills and that Spencer tipped a whole $16 on a $783 tab. 15% would have been over $100 so that is indeed cheap. A producer is said to have paid $60 additional in tip after the waiter asked why the tip was so low.

Let’s hope these two aren’t going to have a actual child anytime soon.

Heidi and Spencer are shown at a Kentucky Derby party on 5/2/08, thanks to WENN.

Heidi Montag and her giant teeth were on the Late Show last night. She wore a pink slip dress that looked like lingerie and explained the plot of her faux reality show, The Hills. She talked about her feud with Lauren Conrad and about Lauren’s sex tape with Jason Wahler, which she says exists even though Lauren tried to make it seem like she made it up.

Dave asked “How much of this is actual and how much is professional wrestling?”
Heidi answered “I wish it was professional wrestling because then we’d be the smartest cast ever”

Dave showed the Rolling Stone cover featuring all The Hills women, and Heidi said that they weren’t Photoshopped together and that “unfortunately we were all there.” She said that everyone else had a good time and that she just wanted to get out of there.

As for when she’s going to marry Spencer, Heidi said she’s young now and seemed to suggest that it will be a while.

The thing that bothered me about the interview is that Dave took the whole thing so seriously while Heidi blathered on about her feud with Lauren and about how Lauren shouldn’t tell her who to date. He made a few good natured jokes but he really didn’t challenge her or put her down like I would have liked to have seen. Heidi has those awful songs out and a new trashy clothing line and Dave didn’t mention either of those things, probably because her handlers told him they were off limits.

Can you guys please explain to me why these Hills characters are everywhere all of a sudden? I know this is a popular show for MTV but from what I’ve seen it’s just a poorly acted soap opera with reality elements. I’ve really been trying to ignore these people, and I don’t cover their petty little fights because it all seems like high school bullshit to me. It’s almost impossible to avoid them, though, and they seem to have weasled their way into popular culture. I just hope this trend fades as quickly as it seems to have begun.

Heidi Montag on David Letterman, 4/30/08, part 1:

Heidi Montag on David Letterman, 4/30/08, part 2:

Heidi Montag is shown outside The Late Show yesterday, thanks to WENN.

Have you noticed that there are much fewer stories about Lindsay Lohan lately? A story in People made it abundantly clear that she’s completely fallen off the wagon. While the gossip magazines and sites covered it, it was barely a blip on our radar. She’s living with a woman and we covered a story that she yelled at Ashley Oslen for trying to talk to her girlfriend, saying “Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend,” but it only got 7 comments. It’s not like anyone really cares about her at this point. Good for her for staying in a relatively long term relationship even if she’s insanely jealous and drinking again.

The stars of faux reality show “The Hills” get more press coverage than Lohan, and that’s really saying something. Over the weekend there was a story that she drink Shirley Temples and seemed to abstain from alcohol while at a gig her girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson, played in Las Vegas on Friday, but with Lohan you never can tell if she’s sneaking vodka into her drinks. Nor does anyone particularly seem to care.

Here she is at the Launch of the Scarlet HD TV Series yesterday, looking rough and awkward in that dress. Also shown are Heidi Montag and Spencer Prat, Emmy Rossum, Kristin Cavallari, Lauren Conrad, Tila Tequila, Vanessa Marcil, Bai Ling, and Travis Barker. Thanks to PRPhotos.

Even if you’re not a fan of the current president, it’s an incredibly big honor to be invited to the White House Correspondents Gala. Even if you’re a really, really dumb person, you generally know this. But if you’re Heidi Montag – or worse, Spencer Pratt – you don’t care about any of that because you are much, much bigger than any stupid little gala. And she calls herself a republican.

Heidi was recently invited to attend the gala by MSNBC. I have no idea why. Several media outlets do invite celebrities – though normally ones that aren’t quite as D list as Montag. However Spencer Pratt got involved and started making all sorts of ridiculous demands for both him and Heidi – even though he wasn’t invited. And that, of course, was the death of another opportunity for Heidi Montag at the hands of Spencer Pratt.

President Bush will have to make do on Saturday without the company of Heidi Montag, star of MTV’s “The Hills.” The surgically enhanced blonde backed out of the White House Correspondents gala when she couldn’t get expenses paid for her Svengali-like boyfriend, Spencer Pratt.

MSNBC had invited Montag to be a guest at its table at the Washington Hilton. “Then Spencer got involved as her manager,” a source told Page Six. “He demanded first-class tickets for both him and Heidi - even though he wasn’t invited.” When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag’s appearance, claiming, according to our source, “It wasn’t ‘A-listy’ enough.”

A rep for MSNBC denied the reality show star had ever been invited, saying, “We are not having, nor did we invite, any celebrities to sit at our table.” However, a rep for Montag and Pratt said, “There was a scheduling conflict so they couldn’t make it - but they always travel together.”

[From Page Six]

I would really love to see Spencer Pratt’s face when all of his demands get laughed at. I know it happens pretty often – because he never seems to be able to learn from his mistakes and understand that he’s an absolute nobody – but I would really love to see his reaction. Is it anger? Shock? Confusion? And how in the world does he justify the hatred and disgust the world feels for him?

Heidi Montag is pretty much a nobody too – but she had some vague, tiny chance of shooting up to the C list. Unfortunately she’s got that delusional boyfriend tagging along, and his bizarre and unearned sense of entitlement has ruined whatever shot Heidi ever had. Probably time to take off the bikini top and pimp out those “surgical enhancements” while you still have a shot Heidi.

Here’s Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt leaving STK restaurant on Tuesday. Images thanks to WENN.

There are many things that I would feel comfortable calling Heidi Montag. Idiot. Embarrassment. Nitwit. Someone with an unexplained ego. I really don’t think it’s necessary for the rest of the world – let alone the freaking New York Times – to compliment Heidi in any way. She’s already full of herself already and doesn’t need the encouragement to further bloat her ego. Or God forbid that of Spencer Pratt, who I’m sure will somehow manage to take credit for the New York Times calling Heidi Montag… wait for it… a “feminist hero.” I’ll just chill here while you clean the vomit up from your floor. Don’t feel embarrassed, same thing happened to me.

What’s Heidi Montag’s reaction to being hailed as a “feminist hero” in The New York Times’ review of The Hills?

“I was very honored to be called a feminist hero,” Heidi tells In Touch. “It’s a big deal to be even acknowledged, let alone complimented by The New York Times by such a profound, famous TV critic.” Her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, was also a fan of Ginia Bellafante’s review — even though it praised Heidi for refusing to acquiesce to his demands. “Spencer was ecstatic,” says Heidi. “He’s proud of whatever I do.”

The 22-year-old aspiring singer and Heidiwood fashion designer says she considers herself a feminist (“I definitely do!” she exclaims), but was less forthcoming when asked who her own feminist heroes were. “Who are my feminist heroes?” she asked. “ Um… I’ll get back to you on that one!”

[From In Touch]

After consulting Spencer, who called a friend to look up some names on Wikipedia, Heidi reported that her feminist heroes were Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan. But then Spencer changed his mind and decided Heidi actually preferred bell hooks over Friedan. New York Times’ TV critic Ginia Bellafante’s comments on Heidi aren’t quite so flattering when read in their original context – though they’re certainly not an insult either. But Heidi might want to actually find a copy of the newspaper before she puffs her chest so far out. Oh wait, that’s just the implants. That she got for Spencer.

Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates Nascar parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiancé, Spencer, that she get herself home on time. Her career-mindedness sets their relationship off course. Heidi identifies the problem with no name: a boyfriend who sits around an apartment decorated to look like an ’80s video arcade while trying to deny Heidi a real wedding with the glory of registering. Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do.”

[From the New York Times]

Ooooohhh, deep. Gloria Steinem just pumped her fists in the air and burned a bra in Heidi Montag’s name. I don’t think Heidi’s standing up to Spencer about their wedding was about asserting her rights and not being manipulated by a douche bag, I think it was about the desire to throw a ridiculously large party and try to out-do her friends. But if someone wants to make that sound bigger and better than it is, so be it. I’m just worried this might inflate Heidi’s ego to the point that she releases another song. Or worse, a video.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer at Perez Hilton’s Quinceanera at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel on March 22. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Heavy.com has taken word for word transcripts from scenes from MTV faux reality show “The Hills” and had them reenacted with senior citizens representing the three main characters. The result is hilarious and helps reveal how dumb and staged the dialog can be.

From what I’ve seen of this show, these reenactments aren’t far off:

“Over The Hills” reenactment: “Forgive and Forget” with Lauren and Heidi
Part of “The Hills” original “Forgive and Forget” clip

And here’s another one. The scenes with Spencer are the most ridiculous.

Spencer proposes on the beach, telling Heidi he doesn’t know which hand the ring goes on.
There are more videos at Heavy.com. I don’t get the appeal of this show, but I guess it’s like a semi-real soap opera and it certainly is popular enough.

Cast member Lauren Conrad confirmed in an interview a few months ago that many of the scenes on “The Hills” are re-filmed after the events, but she said that “this is my life” and that “Basically what they’re doing is taking our lives and telling a story.”

The Hills reality star and plastic surgery aficionado Heidi Montag’s first music video premiered earlier this week and it was universally panned. It really was incredibly awful, and included shots of the plastic blond frolicking in the ocean in a clinging white garment, rolling in the sand, climbing on some rocks and opening her mouth wide to lipsynch while gesturing awkwardly. And that was just the visuals. The song was nearly intolerable and featured her god-awful remastered voice over a tune as cacophonous and unoriginal as Heidi herself.

People Magazine made a special post noting how overwhelmingly negative the comments were about Montag’s new video, which was filmed by her equally mocked on-screen fiancé, Spencer Pratt, and she handled it in stride. She said that it must take oh so much effort to criticize her, and while she tried to make a dig at all the anonymous people typing away behind computers screens by focusing on the work involved in writing whole sentences, she only managed to make herself sound dumb:

Although some PEOPLE.com readers called “Higher” the “worst video ever,” and said her voice sounds like a “chipmunk,” Montag recorded the following message on the gossip site PerezHilton.com:

“I appreciate people taking time to write any kind of comment. Do you know how much effort it really takes to sit down and write a comment? I’ve never written a comment in my entire life… you really have to have a lot of passion and thought to write any comment, so thank you.”

[From People.com]

Maybe Heidi is impaired by the fact that she doesn’t have a lot of experience with computers, but it really doesn’t take much effort or thought to write a comment if you’re a quick typer. If she came across as clever at all, I would think that she was trying to be sarcastic and say that the comments were effortless and reactive on the part of the people that criticized her, I know a lot of the work I do comes out that way, but no, I think she was trying to be serious. She’s trying to say that it takes work to write comments so at least we’re paying attention to her. We’re wasting our energy by doing that, Heidi is saying, but she’s only making it sound like typing and thinking don’t come easily for her.

The best part of this story is Spencer Pratt’s comment, and again I would think that he’s being obnoxious, but considering that he’s the one responsible for this atrocious video, we can probably take him at his word.

Heidi’s former fiancé Spencer Pratt, who shot the “Higher” video, had his own theory as to why it got the reaction it did.

“She’s so beautiful and she’s an unbelievable singer,” he says. “The quality of music and the music video has never been seen before.”

Here’s that video again, the likes of which “has never been seen before,” according to Pratt. Are they pulling our legs? Even if they’re not, they should save face and claim they were.

I knew there was a reason we’ve actively ignored “The Hills” reality star Heidi Montag and her preening TV “fiancé”, Spencer Pratt, up until now. They really are as hollow and superficial as they look.

Could this music video get any more cliche? It’s so bad I’m inclined to think it’s a joke.
Beach scene - check
Frolicking in the water in clinging white garment - check
Rolling around on the sand in bikini - check
Remastered vocals on top of generic pop song - check

This video makes Paris Hilton’s “Stars are Blind” look like a masterpiece.

Unsurprisingly, it’s directed by her ever-present fiancé/boyfriend, Spencer Pratt.

And here’s “behind the scenes” footage which just shows Spencer taping and isn’t worth watching. There is a moment near the end with a guy trying to fish while they’re taping who doesn’t even bother to glance at them:

Thanks to Us Weekly for linking this.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are shown at the Cloverfield premiere on 1/16/08, thanks to PRPhotos.