Since J.Lo can’t get pregnant, she probably figures she’ll settle for looking matronly. What the hell is she wearing? She undoubtedly designed that craptacular outfit herself. It looks quite scratchy and polyester, but considering that J.Lo’s wearing it, it’s probably some rare kind of polyester that’s made from the skin of endangered seals. It might look kind of hot and retro if it was sleeveless, but she inexplicably tacked some puffy sleeves on it. And look - she’s wearing a matching silver do-rag!

She looks like she’s trying to channel her “Monster In-Law” co-star Jane Fonda circa 1968, but Fonda looked much more fierce.

Let me be honest here, I only watched 1/2 of this. It’s not terrible, but it’s terribly trite. K-Fed uses every cliche in the book. He’s the high-roller, getting into the club that only admits women while normal guys are turned away. A sillouhette of a hot woman dances in the background, and he shows off that expensive watch that he bought without asking Britney’s permission. The rhymes are lame and K-Fed is lamer.

“The lifestyle, the rich livin’, the fast cars. Don’t hate ’cause I’m a superstar.”

Found at Musicjesus.com [via]

The intro sequence features the fake cover of a magazine Kevin has said that he and Britney want to start called “The Real.” They want to counter the “lies” about celebrities published in the tabloids.

You can download Kevin and Britney’s skit on the VMAs last night from BreatheHeavy.com. It wouldn’t work for me, but maybe you’ll have better luck.

The VMAs were rather tame this year by several accounts. It’s hard to top Madonna making out with Britney and XTina, when James Blunt wins two awards and The Black Eyed Peas get “Best Hip-Hop” for the abominable “My Humps” you know you’ve got problems.

Despite the lack of memorable moments the VMAs weren’t entirely predictable. Both Shakira and The Red Hot Chili Peppers won consolation prizes, and many of the top awards went to unexpected artists.

Performances by Beyonce, Shakira, and Justin Timberlake were said to be decent, but not incredible.

Here’s a list of winners:

And here are photos of some arrivals at the VMAs including Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton with a ridiculous pompadour, Jessica Simpson, Vanessa Minnillo, Shakira, Beyonce, Rihanna, Kelis, Ludacris, Justin Timberlake, Nick Lachey, Diddy, Andre 3000, Ciara, Jared Leto, and Queen Latifah.

Thanks to Gossip Rocks for these photos.

Thanks to Agent Bedhead for this video of Ashton Kutcher in a parody ad for Federline man panties.

Sorry for the smaller amount of posts yesterday. The Internet was buggy at our place and I was feeling uber-lazy on a Friday.

Please check out our advertiser, LEO Miami, where you can save up to 70% on hot fashion.

Have a great holiday weekend and check out these links.

- Lindsay Lohan was too busy to attend the VMAs [Mollygood]
- Britney Spears was also MIA at the VMAs [Bricks and Stones]
- Britney Spears chows down some ice cream, disgusts her sister [Wampoon]
- Buttaface Fergie at the VMAs [Buttafaces]
- Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton may be engaged [Celebrific]
- Harry Morton sticks his finger up Lohan’s butt [Agent Bedhead]
- Nick Lachey gave Vanessa Minnillo a lap dance at a VMA after party [I’m not obsessed]
- Katie Couric is back to normal [Sadly, No!]
- Pete Doherty was kicked out of his apartment for not paying rent for seven months. Now he lives with Kate Moss. [Socialite’s Life]
- Michael Douglas doesn’t know how to use a computer and has his secretary fax his e-mails to him [Haute Gossip]
- Sharon Stone and her adopted son, Quinn [ICYDK]
- “Crank” may have a dumb premise and a bad plot, but it kicks ass [Pajiba]
- Jessica Alba thought the 2006 VMAs were boring too [yeeeah]
- Jessica Alba in a bikini helps us say goodbye to summer [CityRag]
- The Jolie-Pitts rebuild New Orleans [PopSugar]
- Angelina Jolie pisses off Oprah! [DListed]

When I first saw these pictures of Petra Nemcova at the VMAs I thought, “Wow, is she on Prednisone?” Her cheeks are huge and her face looks all swollen, so I assumed she might be on some kind of harsh steroid for a medical condition. I consulted the Wiki (phrase stollen from Bastardly) and did a half-assed Google search, and there’s no mention of any medical condition associated with Nemcova.

Steroids are usually taken for autoimmune conditions, inflammatory diseases, and kidney problems. It’s possible that Nemcova has something like Chron’s disease, Multiple Sclerosis or even asthma, is taking steroids for it and has not publically acknowledged her condition. It’s possible that her face is naturally huge like this or that she’s gained a little weight and it went straight to her face. I’ve included an older candid of Nemcova from about eight weeks ago, and her face was puffy then but not as bad. (It’s hard to tell from that angle, but she looks a bit better there.)

When a thin woman, especially a model, has a puffy face it’s suggestive of bulimia:

Now, when you can diet and exercise to get the same effect, is all that trouble really worth it? Bulimia is a psychological condition, though, and reasoning with someone is not going to get them to stop.

I’m sorry for speculating about Nemcova, she seems like a lovely person, (albeit totally delusional if she’s dating Blunt, which would also explain the bulimia) and it’s not fair to label her with an eating disorder just because her face is all puffed up. It’s pretty suspicious, though, and she’s looking really worn down. Somethings wrong with Nemcova, and if it’s bulimia she needs to get treatment for it.

Infamous British grafitti artist Banksy, known for sneaking his works of art into galleries like the MOMA, Metropolitan Museum, Tate and Museum of Natural History, has struck out at Paris Hilton by releasing 500 hilariously doctored versions of her debut CD, “Paris.”

That’s hysterical and I can’t wait until photos and tracks from the doctored CD are online.

What the article fails to mention is that Banksy may have a more personal reason to mock Paris. One of his biggest art sales, that of Queen Victoria wearing garters while sitting on a woman’s face, was to Christina Aguilera for over $40,000. While Paris’ debut CD is hardly a threat to Aguilera, with Paris’ CD selling a measly 75,000 copies in the US compared to Aguilera’s 320,000, their albums were released at about the same time. Aguilera’s “Back to Basics” came out on 8/15/06, while “Paris” was released on 8/22.

Once pictures of these CDs come out, I’ll post ‘em here. In the mean time, here are pictures of Paris and Nicky at Pharrell Williams’ pre-VMA party. [via]

Update: pictures of the doctored CD. From Sharl’s Flickr via Oh No They Didn’t.

John Mayer posted an entry on his new blog on August 31st with the title “Really enjoying this song.” The post was just the album cover from Public Enemy’s “Don’t Believe the Hype,” an obvious reference to all the hoopla about his supposed relationship with Jessica Simpson, the news of which hit the tabloids at the same time as the the release of her new crappy album.

Mayer’s website supposedly crashed as fans desperate for news about his relationship with Jessica Simpson swamped it, but it’s up again now, and the entry is still there:

Mayer’s blog is thoughtful, but the prose is a little hard to digest. He writes in a psuedo-intellectual style that doesn’t add much and just makes it a bit less accessible. He’s into gadgets, sneakers, design, guitars, amps, old school funk and really loves the cancelled series “Huff.” Judging from his blog, he’s a busy guy who’s just dabbling in Jessica Simpson and if there was anything between them it’s not going to last. He needs a girl who’s cool and intelligent with interests of her own. A bubbly blonde who likes shopping and working out isn’t going to cut it for him.

Here’s Jessica outside of her NY doctor’s office on 8/31 and singing on The Today Show on 9/1. [via] Defamer has a short clip of her performance, in which she loses her voice for a moment. Simpson was put on vocal rest by her doctor and wasn’t supposed to speak or sing for some time. At least she really sings though and isn’t just lip synching, but she should be careful or the world will no longer get to hear her live breathy vocals.

There’s a lot you can say about Tom Cruise, but he does seem like a geniunely nice guy, albeit completely batshit crazy and often lying through his teeth. He has wacked out beliefs and is so deep in the closet there are hanger marks on his face (I stole that from commetor Clarimonde on a Robbie Williams post), but people praise his down-to-earth demeanor as he engages them on a level only a cult member can manage. It’s called “love bombing” and is a common tactic of cults to get people to feel so accepted and warmly welcomed that they’re sucked into the black hole of endless re-education and seizure of all their worldly assets.

Cruise is pretty good at that “love bombing” and he turned on the charm on behalf of his flailing career to apologize to Brooke Shields for criticizing her last year for using antidepressants:

How coincidental that Cruise apologized to Shields right after he was dropped from Paramount for his “recent conduct.” While less than amazing box-office performance is more likely to blame, it is said that the wife of Paramount head Sumner Redstone was completely enraged by Cruise’s comments blasting Shields for using drugs to overcome postpartum depression and told her husband that Cruise would lose his female fan base.

In case you forgot what Cruise said at the time, he made an impassioned argument on The Today Show that there was “no such thing as a chemical imbalance,” and that he knew the history of drug development and psychiatry while asserting that Matt Lauer was uninformed for defending the fact that antidepressants work.

Update: here’s the video of Brooke telling the story to Jay Leno in her interview on Friday.

I saw “Before Sunset” on cable a few months ago, and emo Ethan Hawke melted my heart. He was so cute as he blathered on about politics while contemplating leaving his wife and child for a hot little Frenchwoman who stood him up years ago, haunting him ever since. What a difference two years makes.

Leaving Uma didn’t do wonders for his career or looks. Maybe a better hairstyle, a shave and some fashion can restore him back to a shadow of his 2004 self.

Ethan says that he’s grateful that things in his life have slowed down since his split with Uma, but seems to be all too aware of what he’s missing:

Ethan is shown on September 2 at the Venice Film Festival, where he is promoting his film “The Hottest State” based on his novel of the same name. He directs and has a supporting role in the film, a drama about a struggling young actor who is jilted in love. He directed “Chelsea Walls” in 2001, to mixed reviews. Some called it pretentious, self-indulgent and overly ambitious, while other critics lauded its character development and intelligence. I didn’t see it, but I love Linklater’s films and bet “The Hottest State” will be an enjoyable thought-provoking film as long as Hawke keeps it from being too depressing.

Pictures from Hollywoods Best.

You’ve probably heard the news already that crocodile hunter Steve Irwin was killed while filming in the ocean for a series called “Ocean’s Deadliest.” What really shocked me was that it wasn’t a shark or a poisonous jellyfish that killed the danger-loving showman, but a gentle stingray!

I went swimming with stingrays while on a Caribbean cruise with my family several years ago, and I’ve seen stingray tanks set up close to the ground at aquariums so that children can “pet” the gentle creatures. Stingrays are considered safe and almost tame, and it’s ironic that one killed a man so well known for grappling with fiercer animals.

Here are some pictures I took of stingrays while swimming with them and feeding them. They’re not thought of as dangerous at all, and cruise excursions usually offer a “swim with the stingrays” outing.

Whatever your opinion of this guy, it’s sad that he leaves behind a family. I still can’t imagine him getting killed by a stingray of all things.