Jessica Simpson’s professionalism – and I use that word as loosely as possible here – has taken a serious hit lately. She’s had a bunch of concert performances that were marred by her need to overshare about her bodily functions and babble incessantly in between songs. Then she had a near nipple slip at the Grand Ole Opry yesterday – though something tells me it’s not the venue’s first. Instead of turning around her bungled effort to ingratiate herself with the country music community, Jessica gave a disastrous performance this morning – which she actually stopped midway through, even though it was live television.

Jessica Simpson tripped up a rocky performance on live television Tuesday, the day of her latest album release. “Hold on, I know this is live TV but I can’t hear anything,” she said as she starting singing her quadruple platinum hit “With You” on Good Morning America. The music stopped, the crowd in Times Square went silent and then she counted down for her musicians to start again.

“It’s a natural place for me,” she said on GMA. “I’ve always been a country girl. It feels good to be on stage being myself.” Asked if she is excited to play aunt to younger sister Ashlee’s baby, due in November, Simpson responded: “I am! Oh my god! I can’t believe it!”

Simpson also referred to quarterback beau Tony Romo by yelling “Go Cowboys!” and warning Philadelphia Eagles fans, “That’s next week! We’re gonna kick your butts, too!”

[From Us Weekly]

Us noted that she “struggled” through the performance. I think she should avoid any direct reference to Tony Romo and football. That’s sure to rouse the ire of pretty much any man – with the odd exception of John Mayer, who defended Simpson’s purported jinx on Romo last season. She’d also do herself some favors not to say “butt” “barf” (which she uttered twice during a concert for music industry professionals) or make any references to her gas situation.

I know she’s always been somewhat uncouth, but it seems like she’s playing it up a lot lately. Honey people are going to like your music or they won’t. They’re not going to be distracted by you acting all “down to earth” and oversharing about the current state of your bowels or whatever. Get on stage, get the kinks worked out in advance, put on a good show, and get the hell out of there before anyone can ask questions. That’s my professional music advice for the day.

Here’s Jessica performing live for ‘Good Morning America’s Summer Concert Series’ in Bryant Park today. Images thanks to WENN.

Jessica Simpson keeps insisting on giving awkward and downright bad performances, along with oversharing about everything in her life, from her relationships to her bodily functions. Jessica gave what was clearly a nervous performance in Nashville recently, where she babbled incessantly and also talked about maybe needing to throw up.

You’d think Jessica Simpson would be an old pro at performing. But at the Nashville listening party for her new country album, Do You Know, on Thursday night, the singer was just a bit freaked out. “I’m a little nervous,” said Simpson to a crowd of nearly 200 record industry folks at the Schermerhorn Symphony Center. “If I throw up, I’m sorry.”

Brushing her blonde hair from her face, she continued: “Thank you so much for coming and for giving me a chance. I hope you get to experience what my heart’s been going through the last few years.”

Leading into “Remember That,” Simpson urged women “in that [abusive] situation to take their hearts and run.” She later smiled tearfully to her preacher dad Joe Simpson and mom Tina in the audience while explaining that “Pray Out Loud” is a song about faith and family. And before the bittersweet song, “Sippin’ on History,” Simpson said, “It’s about a relationship in my life that could have been a fairy tale, but wasn’t.”

Simpson got warm applause after each song. But she seemed most proud of something else entirely.

“I didn’t throw up!” Simpson exclaimed at the end of her set.

[From People]

And to think some people believe Simpson oozes anything but class! Her recent concert in Niagara Falls, Canada, was similarly panned (though much more specifically). The critic noted that she babbled too much, for too long, and in a completely pointless manner. And she does it before every single song, which ruins whatever momentum she gets going.

It almost seems compulsive. I can babble when I’m nervous, and as a rule the more nervous I am, the stupider the stuff that falls out of my mouth will be. But I try to stay mindful of this. Simpson is a professional, and should be able to control her incessant jabbering, whatever the reason. She needs some kind of life coach or something; basically that person that’ll tell you things your friends and employees won’t. First she’ll have to find someone she can pay to be around her, and considering how annoying she sounds, she may not have any lucky.

Celebitchy thinks that Jessica needs people to like her and is too much of a people pleaser. That makes sense… except you’d expect her to be more likeable. If this is her trying, that’s pretty sad.

Here’s Jessica Simpson and Ken Paves having dinner at Mr. Chow on August 11th. Images thanks to Fame.

I used to find Dolly Parton really tacky. But then I matured and realized just how freaking awesome she is, because she embraces her tack. She works it like a drag queen. In fact she’s acknowledged that she looks like a hooker. And she’s fine with it, and has certainly cultivated a unique persona for herself.

Dolly had a few sassy comments about Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan during her concert Sunday night at Los Angeles’ Greek Theatre. And of course she wasn’t above poking fun at herself either.

Dolly Parton says it’s time to leave a couple of the world’s most famous starlets alone. “Poor little Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan,” Parton said at her concert last night at L.A.’s Greek Theatre. “Ain’t it awful? If those little girls slept with as many men as they say in the tabloids, why their little butts would have more fingerprints than the FBI!” All kidding aside, Parton said, “I kinda feel sorry for them. We should give those two a break.”

She even got a bit political—kinda. Some fans wore T-shirts reading, “Dolly for President.”

“I don’t think so!” Parton said of her presidential aspirations. “I think there have been enough boobs in the White House.” Commenting on how times have changed, she said of this year’s presidential race, “We’ve had a woman, we have a black man and an old stiff.” But that’s as serious as she got when it came to current events. “People are always asking me in interviews, ‘What do you think of foreign affairs?’ I just say, ‘I’ve had a few.’ “

[From E! News]

I think there’s been some debate over whether or not Dolly comes up with her own quips on the spot. I’d like to imagine that she does, and it best fits with my image of her as a sassy old broad. And I don’t care who wrote it, that “fingerprints on their butts” line is classic. I’m going to see how often I can work that into everyday conversation from now on. And if I ever meet Lindsay or Britney, I’m going to have to ask if it’s true. I’m guessing it’s one of those “behind every joke there’s a little truth” situations.

Here’s Dolly Parton at a and greet for her new Broadway show ‘Nine to Five the Musical’ held at the New 42nd Street Studios in New York City on July 15th. Photographer: Joseph Marzullo. Images thanks to WENN.

Tim McGraw doesn’t need security – he can take care of himself, play a couple instruments, sing a song, and haul an unruly fan on stage and kick him out all without missing a beat. McGraw was performing in Auburn, Washington on Tuesday when he saw a male audience member attack a female. Without missing a beat, McGraw somehow managed to haul the large gentleman on stage and kick him out. And still sing his song. Damn.

If Tim McGraw isn’t looking for trouble, it must’ve been looking for him. Fan video shot Tuesday in Auburn, Wash., shows the country singer help eject an unruly fan.

McGraw shouts “Get rid of this guy,” summons security and helps arriving crew members haul him onstage. When the heavyset fan moves toward McGraw, the singer threatens him with a cocked fist as he’s hauled away.

The band’s performance of “Indian Outlaw” never stopped. And as if on cue, McGraw steps to the mic and picks up with the line “I ain’t lookin’ for trouble … .”

A statement from McGraw’s representative says he witnessed the man rush up and attack a female, and he intervened when security couldn’t respond quickly enough.

[From the Huffington Post]

I’m not one for country music, but damn, that was impressive. I’m seeing the whole genre in a new light now. McGraw must have really learned how to take care of business after that female fan grabbed his balls and wife Faith Hill had to set the woman straight. I’m told nothing will teach a guy how to respond quickly better than having something like that happen.

And there’s video! I now find Tim McGraw remarkably attractive. Header photo of Faith Hill and Tim McGraw leaving the Oscar party held at a Mansion in February. Images thanks to WENN.

I’m not sure if we have that many country music loving folks here, so I generally don’t cover the Nashville scene all that much. But once in a while a crossover tale emerges, and you end up with the likes of Mindy McCready, most famous to us non-Nashvillians (is that what they’re called?) as the lady who once dated former Superman Dean Cain. She’s also had several country hits, including “Guys Do it All the Time.” McCready has lived a rather… dramatic existence the last several years. She’s been a victim of extreme domestic violence, her boyfriend tried to murder her, she had a suicide attempt when she found out she was pregnant, and has since struggled with drug and alcohol addictions. This past Friday, McCready was sentenced to a year in jail for violating her probation after she was arrested for assaulting her mother and resisting arrest – police had to use pepper spray to get her under control.

“The jail sentence should keep McCready out of the blotter for a few months, which is something of rarity. In addition to her 2004 conviction for prescription fraud, she was arrested in May 2005 on charges of drunken driving and driving on a suspended license, though only the latter charge stuck.

“Shortly after the bust, her then boyfriend and father of her son, Billy McKnight, was arrested and charged with attempting to murder McCready after a domestic dispute reached alarming heights of brutality.

“In August of the same year, the “Ten Thousand Angeles” singer, who has not released an album since 2002, was again arrested and held for 10 days after a warrant was issued in her name for parole violations. In her subsequent court appearance, McCready revealed she had attempted suicide after learning she was pregnant and had been hospitalized for an overdose of drugs and alcohol.”

[From E! News]

The really sad thing was when McCready was on Oprah, she kept talking about how she loved McKnight and still wanted to be with him and hoped they could work things out. And Oprah kept telling her she was messed up. I think she phrased it a little nicer, but it’s Oprah and she can be a hard ass, so you never know. Since that time, McCready has had several run-ins with the ex-boyfriend, who she admits she can’t stay away from. She was on probation for forging a prescription for OxyContin. She only had three more months, but didn’t make it.

“In the early morning hours of July 21, police in Fort Myers, Florida, responded to a call placed by McCready’s mother, Melody Inge. Inge told the dispatcher that her 31-year-old daughter was intoxicated and causing a ruckus at the family home. When police arrived, they found Inge with a scratch on the side of her face.

“McCready was rung up on charges of battery and resisting arrest. The ‘Guys Do It All the Time’ singer proved herself a difficult capture, refusing to be cuffed, police said. (For her part, McCready claimed she was tackled by officers while holding her 16-month-old son. The singer also claimed that she suffered a broken nose and sustained bruising during her scuffle with the cops.)

McCready failed to ease up during the booking process at the local Lee County Jail, police said, and officers were forced to pepper spray the entertainer into submission.

“She was eventually released on $1,000 bail, at which point she flew from Florida into Nashville, where she was taken into custody and booked at Williamson County Jail. She has been held in the facility without bail for her hat trick of violations: Not only did she break probation by getting arrested, but she failed to report the arrest to her probation officer and engaged in ‘assaultive behavior’ throughout the encounter.”

[From E! News]

She was sentenced to a year in the county jail for violating her probation, along with two additional years of probation and 200 hours of community service. McCready told the court she was sorry, and asked to have a chance to “make things as right as they can possibly be.” A lot of the stories written about McCready make her out to be the bad guy, and while she certainly is (in terms of what she did at her mom’s house), I also feel badly. Clearly she has some serious issues relating to being abused, and jail hasn’t – and probably won’t – address those issues. It sounds like she’s relied on drugs and alcohol to deal with it. Hopefully they will be some court-mandated counseling, too.

Picture note by JayBird: Header image of Mindy McCready performing in Nashville in June, 2005. Images thanks to PR Photos. Here’s McCready’s booking photo courtesy of the Lee County, Fla., Sheriff’s Office.

I can’t help but wonder: is it that celebrities are always blabbing about their baby plans, or that interviewers are always asking? Considering the lengths a lot of celebrities go to in order to hide their pregnancies, it doesn’t make a lot of sense that they’re always talking about their future family plans and putting the paparazzi on alert. Well LeAnn Rimes is jumping on the baby bandwagon… I guess that makes it a station wagon… and telling Redbook that she and her husband of five years, Dean Sheremet, want to have children soon. A lot of other websites have made comments about Dean’s sexuality – I’m not going to do that though. I’ll just mention that other people have questions.

“A country star since she was 13 years old, LeAnn Rimes is now seriously thinking about the next big step in her life: children. ‘We talk about it often,’ Rimes, now 25, tells Redbook magazine in the October issue, of her discussions with her husband, dancer Dean Sheremet. ‘We also talk about the huge responsibility. We wake up some mornings and say, What would we do if we had a kid? How would we work this?’

She didn’t offer a possible timetable – though suggested it may still be a couple years off – but did say she’s reconsidering her earlier plans to adopt, despite lingering fears about childbirth.

“‘I’m a little freaked out by it,’ she tells the magazine. ‘But when I met Dean – I know how compassionate he is about children. So now I want to have a child of ours. I might love being pregnant – you never know. I’m keeping a very open mind about the whole thing. But I do want children, definitely. That’s part of my life I don’t want to miss out on, and I have a lot of love to give that way. I can’t wait.’”

[From People]

I feel LeAnn on the being scared outta your mind to actually go through labor thing. I want kids some day – but I’d prefer that they magically drop out of the sky and down my chimney. No wait, that’s Santa. Though I wouldn’t say no to him either. But I’d really prefer not to have to push 8 pounds of anything out of my body. I don’t care if it’s a baby or a roast ham, if it’s that big, I really don’t believe it’s meant to come out of something that small. Don’t tell me it’s worth it, I know you all say that. But did you really believe that while you were delivering? Yeah, that’s right. Scares the bejebus outta me. LeAnn’s fears make sense, though I’m not sure adopting out of fear of labor is the right way to go either. It’s probably best to adopt because you want to give a home to a kid that needs one, or because you’re unable to have biological kids. Or because you’re scared to death. I changed my mind, it’s a perfectly good reason.

Picture note by JayBird: Above right is LeAnn and Dean at the 2006 New Yorkers For Children Fall Gala. Here’s LeAnn and Dean at the Soul of Country Preservation Project in February and below, at the CMT Giants Honoring Reba McEntire. Images thanks to PR Photos.