Duchess Kate turns 30 years old on Monday. She’s six months older than William – and I believe Camilla Parker-Bowles is older than Charles as well, right? So, given that Kate is now a member of the royal family and given that she has pretty much spent the first 30 years of her life unemployed, wandering around getting her hair done and doing a spot of shopping, you’d think that everyone would be going all out for her birthday party. Not so! A palace spokesman said that Kate’s birthday plans are going to be on the DL: “Whatever is planned will be low-key and private.” I have a theory – Kate doesn’t want to remind people that she’s older than William. She doesn’t want to remind people that she’s 30 years old, yet gets treated like a lay-about teenager, praised for doing the bare minimum. She doesn’t want to remind people that she’s not pregnant yet as she’s entering her 30s, which makes her an oddity in the royal family (the royal women tend to get knocked up in their 20s).

Really, though, I’m just writing this post because I wanted to talk about this article that Us Weekly published yesterday. It’s all about how we too can stay “fit” like Duchess Kate.

She may be a Duchess, but Kate Middleton is a commoner when it comes to her workouts.

“For as long as I’ve known her, she’s never had a trainer,” says an aide of the royal, who squeezes in three 40-minute workouts each week.

When in London, the slim, 5-foot-10 beauty visits Clarence House’s small private gym for rowing, running and weight training. But when she’s home in Anglesey, Wales, with hubby Prince William, 29, “she never works out indoors, regardless of how rough the weather is. She likes to go on hikes, carrying small weights for her arms. She says it kills two birds with one stone,” says the palace aide, adding, “William joins her on weekends.”

Kate, 29, keeps eating simple too. Though one pal says, “she hates dieting,” she sticks to healthy picks like oatmeal, dried fruit and almonds. “Kate’s not much into sweets,” says the aide, “but she does love Kettle chips!”

[From Us Weekly]

BULLS–T. Kate didn’t go from a pleasantly athletic, healthy figure to a really, really skinny figure by just doing three workouts a week and eating oatmeal. Yes, Kate was already thinning herself out circa 2008-10, but she still had an athletic, healthy-looking build. Then when the engagement came, it seemed like she was losing weight for the wedding, and then it just kept coming off until she looked like she could snap like a twig. She was on diet, and my guess is that it was an intense one. She’s also a smoker, although she doesn’t want you to know that – she was allegedly smoking a lot to keep the weight off all of last year.

Last Kate story, I swear – People Magazine has a lengthy interview with Diana’s former protection officer Ken Wharfe, who often comments about the security concerns of the royal family. Wharfe says that it’s horrible that Kate and William’s security plans for their multi-million-dollar Kensington Palace renovation were made public. I don’t know why we should be upset, though. Aren’t we being sold an image of William and Kate as simple country folk who are happiest in Wales? Why would they ever need to be in London, right? Oh, what’s that? That’s just a BS image that the palace is trying to sell?

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN.

HIDE YO BUTTONS. Duchess Kate is comin’! At loooooong last, Duchess Kate has finally signed on for some charity work, otherwise known as a “job”. Kate is rather famous for her laziness when it comes to anything not involving “getting the ring.” Soon after the engagement, the Palace went into overdrive, trying to fluff up Kate’s meager CV to make it sound like she did more than wait around for a prince for nine years. The palace also claimed – once again, this was a year ago – that now that Kate was joining the royal family, she was “studying” and “researching” which charities she wanted to become involved with, and that she would announce her patronages when married. Then came the shifting goalposts and the “princess lessons” and of course, lots of shopping and hair appointments. So finally, we are upon the day when Kate finally gives us a list of patronages. She spent more than a year creating a list of five charitable organizations. FIVE. A YEAR.

The Duchess of Cambridge is ready to hit the new year running! The palace announced the good causes that will get the benefit of her super-hot publicity. Her choices will likely bring comparisons with husband William’s late mother Princess Diana as she adopts a group of children’s hospices and an addiction charity. And young Boy Scouts in North Wales are set for a surprise when the outdoor pursuits-loving royal pops in to volunteer.

A palace source says Kate – 30 on Monday – sifted through “a few hundred” requests in order to make her choice of four patronages and her volunteer position.

“She did her own research and chose these after approaches or because they reflected the areas she was already aware of, especially in the arts and outdoor activities,” says the source. And the announcement could herald Kate’s first public solo engagement soon – it is likely to take place when Royal Air Force helicopter pilot William is away in the Falkland Islands in February and March.

The organizations are:

1. Patron of Action on Addiction, which works in research, prevention, treatment, professional workforce development and support for families and children.

When she was doing her research, Kate came to realize that addiction “lay at the heart of many of the social issues she was looking at,” a palace source tells PEOPLE.

She has paid a private visit to one of the charity’s treatment centers and spoke to clients about their addiction and personal journeys to recovery, the charity says.

Chief Executive, Nick Barton, says Kate’s “support will enable us to keep the issue of addiction in the spotlight. Addiction is a consuming condition that results in a great deal of harm to individuals, families, communities and society as a whole. ”

2. Royal Patron of East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices, which supports families and cares for children with life-threatening conditions in Cambridge, among other areas. As well as being a “moving issue,” this is one of the “leading charities in palliative care and there is also the Cambridge link,” the palace source explains.

3. Royal Patron of The Art Room, set up in 2002 to offer art as therapy to children aged between five and 16, using art to raise their self esteem, confidence and independence.

Kate made a private visit to a unit in North London during her research. The Art Room’s founder Juli Beattie said in a statement, “It is a fantastic endorsement of . . . the role that art and creativity can play in helping children and young people whose start in life has been difficult.”

4. Patron of the National Portrait Gallery. Kate visited the London gallery in September during her work to decide on the causes she wanted to patronize.

And the choice reflects her interest in arts (two of her “big hobbies” are “photography and painting, which she does privately,” the palace source says.) She did some pre-university study in the Italian city of Florence and read Art History at St. Andrew’s University – where she met William, 29.

5. Volunteering in the the Scout Association – specifically for cub scout packs and more junior “Beaver Scout Colonies.” Palace sources point out that Kate (and sister Pippa) was a Brownie herself and wants to “get stuck in” locally. “This role allows a level of flexibility for her to volunteer in North Wales or elsewhere,” the source says.

“She is a big hill-walker and does a lot of outdoor pursuits. So, she might teach them how to pack a rucksack, how to put a tent up, cooking in a camp situation,” Simon Carter, a spokesman for the Scouts Association, tells PEOPLE. “All those sorts of things are skills she might pass on as she’s an adult who’s got some expertise in that area.”

[From People]

I don’t hate any of these, and I appreciate the diversity in issues. I wouldn’t have thought Kate was brave enough or substantial enough to become a patroness to a charity dealing with addiction issues. Waity’s going to meet some sex addicts! And I think the whole “volunteering for the Scouts” is really cute, actually. I’m very happy that she finally signed on to some significant work, and my only complaint is still “She should have done this a long time ago.”

Of course, there’s always the issue of Kate being in over her head. A lot of people were talking about how “off” she seemed in this interview in November. I didn’t think she was as awful as other people claimed, but she just seems… nervous? Out of her depth? She doesn’t have William’s ease.

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN.

I was going to start this post by talking about a super-boring new interview with Angelina Jolie. I’ll save it for the end of the post, though, because I like this tabloid story so much more. I should point something out – I’ve been reading the tabloids regularly for years now, and ever since Kate Middleton and Prince William became engaged, the tabs have been itching to do something about Kate and Angelina Jolie. There are constantly stories about Kate wanting to meet Angelina, and Angelina wanting to meet Kate, and Kate wanting to model her charity work on Angelina’s UNHCR work and stuff. Generally, I think those stories are crap. But I still enjoy them. Anyway, OK! Magazine claims that Kate is now modeling herself after Jolie, for better or for worse:

The Duchess of Cambridge has a serious girl-crush on Hollywood’s star Angelina Jolie and royal insiders are worried. From her weight loss to her humanitarian efforts, Kate Middleton is starting to resemble Brad Pitt’s lady love.

“Kate adores how Angelina’s always so graceful and elegant and makes everything look so effortless,” a friend tells OK!.

Weight Loss
In the run-up to her April 2011 wedding, then Kate Middleton shed 16 pounds from her 5-foot-10-inch frame with a diet-and- excercise routine. She liked what she saw. “Since then, she has cut down on food even more,” a close pal tells OK!. “Kate now has the build of a supermodel and can’t believe she’s giving her hero, Angelina, a run for her money on the red carpet.”

But palace insiders fret that Kate, who weighed 120 pounds at her wedding, may starve herself down to Angie’s size; the 5-foot-8 star is about 97 pounds. “Many friends think Kate looks too thin,” says the pal. “But she says she’s happy the way she is.”

Adoption
Heirs are supposed to produce… more heirs. But while Kate and Prince William hope for kids of their own, Kate’s pal notes, “She has always said how much she’d like to adopt a couple of kids, just like Angelina. She and Wills think it would be a really modern thing to do.”

Humanitarian Work
The duchess hopes to mimic both William’s late mother, Princess Diana, who was known for fighting AIDS and land mines, and U.N. goodwill Ambassador Angelina, who has visited myriad strife-torn regions. “Kate intends to show the world she’s a strong, independent woman — just like Angie,” her close friend tells OK!.

[From OK! Magazine]

You know how I know this is full of crap? Because of the adoption stuff. Kate would never. She and William wouldn’t be allowed to adopt. It would never even enter Kate’s mind. Although I suspect she’s not looking forward to gaining pregnancy weight, Kate knows her duty (to have babies), and she will fulfill her obligations.

Anyway, onto the new Angelina Jolie interview. It’s mostly about In the Land of Blood and Honey – you can read it here. Here are some of the more interesting quotes:

When Jolie first wrote the script…“Brad (Pitt) saw it and said, ‘It’s not that bad, honey, you might want to send it out and see what response you get.’ I said, ‘Well, I’m not doing it without the people from the country. If people from all sides agree to make it, then we’ll do it. If they don’t, we’ll burn it.’ ”

Learning on the job: “Every day I learned so much. I mean, everything,” says the Oscar-winning actress, laughing. “I had to understand the camera, shot lists – how to make a shot list. The first time I said, ‘Action,’ nobody could hear me because I wasn’t loud enough. How to do sound, color timing. Once the girls said, ‘We need more of a scene at the top of this section.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, we do …’ And then I realized, ‘Oh, I’m the writer! Give me a half an hour, I’ll try to come up with something.’ “

[Via ONTD]

In other Jolie news, a portion of the profits made from the soundtrack of ITLOFBAH (composed by Gabriel Yared) will be donated to SOS Children’s Villages, an organization that Angelina has been affiliated with for years. The money will be directed towards SOS Children’s Villages in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Jolie said, “We are happy that a portion of the proceeds from the film’s soundtrack will support SOS Children’s Villages in Bosnia and Herzegovina to provide stable, family-based homes to children, regardless of religion, ethnicity or gender, who do not have their own families to care for them.” Go here to read more, and here to donate to SOS Children’s Villages.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

The blurry photos of Duchess Kate and Prince William (separately) are new! Kate and Will rang in the new year at her parents’ house in Berkshire. It’s interesting because there were lots of reports that Will and Kate would be spending New Year’s in Scotland, with Prince Charles, or perhaps even in Mustique, where Kate’s parents have a home (rent a home?). Anyway, none of that came to pass. Instead, Kate and Will spent New Year’s in a teepee on her parents’ lawn. Seriously!

Party like a royal! Despite buzz that Prince William and Catherine would ring in the New Year at his father’s sprawling Aberdeen, Scotland, estate, when it came time to celebrate, the couple chose a more low-key locale: a tent pitched in the back garden of the Middleton family home in Berkshire, England.

According to the U.K.’s Mail on Sunday, Pippa, who’s in the party-planning business, played host.

And the stylish sister has expensive taste: The tent, a teepee-style kata made of animal hides, cost nearly $5,000 (3,000 British pounds).

Described by an onlooker as a “canvas palace,” the tent enclosed a dance floor and seating for more than 100 partygoers.

Notably missing: Prince Harry, who rang in the New Year in Switzerland, where he was spotted at the ski resort Verbier.

“[Catherine] looked full of the joys of the season,” a local said of the royal, 29, who laughed and joked with her husband, also 29.

The celebration in her hometown comes nearly a week after the duchess’s first Christmas as a royal in Sandringham, Norfolk.

[From People]

At first I was like, “Damn, $5000 teepee? Expensive taste, Pippa.” But really, $5000 for a teepee with a dance floor and seating and everything? Not that bad. What strikes me again is that William really does love Kate’s family. It might even be that Kate’s stable family life is one of his favorite things about her. It’s nice that Kate and Will were able to split their holiday between his family and hers, and it certainly bodes well for their future together, and it signals that William will continue to embrace his “commoner” in-laws.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Thank you so much for visiting, reading and commenting! Kaiser, Bedhead and I appreciate it and hope you’re having a great holiday. Let’s all raise our glasses to the year in gossip and best wishes for a happy scandalous 2012. Have an excellent New Year!

Here are our most popular posts of 2011 based on number of comments:
1. Brad Pitt backtracks: “It is not that Jen was dull, but…”

2. Brad Pitt talks about “feeling pathetic” in his marriage to Jennifer Aniston

3. Jennifer Aniston named “the Hottest Woman of All Time” by Men’s Health Mag

4. Angelina Jolie: “I’m still a bad girl, it just… belongs to Brad and our adventures”

5. Halle Berry on Nahla’s race: “I feel like she’s black, I believe in the one-drop theory”

6. Eddie Cibrian cut child support at same time he “bought” $85k ring for LeAnn

7. LeAnn Rimes bought Eddie Cibrian a Porsche for Christmas, and that’s not all

8. Heidi Bivens’ mom confirms Heidi’s “complicated” meeting with Jennifer Aniston

9. The Royal Wedding Open Post: When Baldy Met Glossy

10. Woody Allen’s son disgusted by his dad marrying his sister & won’t talk to him

Update: Here are the most popular stories based on number of pageviews, not comments. Disclaimer: The Goop story had so many hits because some huge newspaper website in the Netherlands linked it.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow goes topless, wears fishnets for Vanity Fair: Goopy or cute?

2. Prince William is worried about Kate Middleton’s dramatic weight loss

3. Jim Parsons’ boyfriend called off their wedding because Jim doesn’t want kids

4. Mila Kunis’s cell phone pics of Justin Timberlake were reportedly hacked

5. More “Blake Lively” naked photos released, is it really Blake?

As we saw a few days ago, Duchess Kate’s first royal Christmas seemed to go very well. She got lots of attention in her plum coat and coordinating hat, she wore her seemingly new Christmas gift earrings (green amethysts!), and she looked happy. But all was not perfect in The Queendom of Waity. Animal-rights activists had basically come out and said that they would be putting a fatwa out on Kate if she participated in the royal family’s annual Boxing Day pheasant shoot. So what did Kate do? She went to the hunt, but she “stayed in the background,” not participating in the blood sport. Good for Kate? I don’t know. It seems like the animal-rights people are gloating, and they feel like they have leverage on her now.

Kate Middleton has declined to participate in the Royal Family’s traditional Boxing Day bird shoot. The wife of Prince William reportedly went against protocol and opted to “stay in the background” following pleas from animal rights organizations to step out of the Sandringham Estate celebration.

“At the moment Kate is very much the bright new star of the Royal Family and the Palace is keen for her to keep her nose clean,” a source told the Daily Star. “Activists have begged her not to join the shoot. No-one wants to see her caught up in a scandal so soon.”

Middleton’s move has been commended by a number of charity representatives, with the League Against Cruel Sports commenting: “We are pleased that Kate has decided not to take part in the annual bloodbath.”

PETA further praised the Duchess of Cambridge for continuing the anti-bloodsport sentiments held by her late mother-in-law Princess Diana.

“The Royals have always had a hard time adjusting to social value,” president Ingrid Newkirk commented. “Rather than emulating Diana the Huntress, perhaps the British public is seeing a new Kate who is taking after Diana, the Princess of Hearts.”

Prince Philip was absent from the Boxing Day shoot due to his hospitalization for a blocked coronary artery. He was discharged this morning (December 27) after recovering from heart surgery.

[From Digital Spy]

“No-one wants to see her caught up in a scandal so soon.” Is it really a “scandal” to take part in the royal family’s annual Boxing Day activities? She would have been criticized if she had taken part, but it wouldn’t have been a “scandal,” it would have just been a (minor) animal-rights controversy. You know I’m no Kate-defender, but I dislike how the animal-rights groups are using poor Kate. She’s damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t, and why is only HER participation an issue? What about the other members of the royal family?

So… in my opinion, the only real “scandal” Kate is currently embroiled in is The Great Weave Scandal. I still have concerns that Kate is employing weaves and extensions. Oh, and let’s not forget The Raccoon McWaity Scandal. I wonder what her eyeliner budget is? Why doesn’t anyone think of the poor, victimized eyeliner?

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame.

Yay! New Duchess Kate photos. These are from Christmas morning at Sandringham, where the royal family has their annual Christmas holiday with military precision. Every site has a different color description for Kate’s coat and hat. I’m saying… purple? It’s not dark enough for “eggplant” and there isn’t enough red to be considered “berry” or “burgundy”. Let’s just say a shade of purple. I actually love the coat, and the hat is very cute – Kate has a face for hats. She’s very lucky that way. The hat is by Jane Corbett, the shoes are “£169 black suede heels by Spanish designer Mascaro.” And Kate seems to be wearing new earrings too – The Mail claims they are a gift from William, a pair of $3500 “gold drop” earrings by Kiki McDonough. William has nice taste in jewelry, if they were a gift from William.

Anyway, the royal family was one short this Christmas – Prince Phillip had to undergo emergency heart surgery after suffering from chest pains on Friday. His surgery was to treat a “blocked coronary artery” and a palace spokesman said, “The Duke is in genuinely good form. He’s in great spirits and had a good night’s sleep last night. The royal family will be continuing with their Christmas traditions as normal today. Sadly the Boxing Day shoot will have to go ahead without Phillip.” Here’s more about the royal Christmas:

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge joined Queen Elizabeth at church for two services on Christmas morning – and they drew quite the crowd eager to see them.

With many watching, the couple walked to and from church with much of their family. The Queen, however, took a car to the services – just a short drive from her home at Sandringham, Norfolk. Key in her family’s thoughts and prayers: Prince Philip, who is still in the hospital after undergoing emergency surgery on Friday.

William and Kate were joined on the walk to the 16th century St. Mary Magdalene Church by Prince Charles; William’s cousins Princess Beatrice and Eugenie; and newlyweds Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall. Kate, in an aubergine-colored coat by an unnamed British designer and hat by Jane Corbett, was flanked by husband William, 29, and her brother-in-law Prince Harry, 27.

This is the first time Kate, 29, has spent Christmas with the royal family – a fact that likely boosted the number of people who came out to watch from the sidelines.

The 11 a.m. service, which begun with a rendition of the national anthem, was the second visit to the church for senior members of the family, who privately attended the communion service at 9 a.m.

After nearly 40 minutes, the family emerged again to greet well-wishers. Kate chatted with some children, and Beatrice was seen with armfuls of flowers. The Queen was overwhelmed with bouquets from royals fans.

The royals are set to have a traditional turkey lunch – then watch the Queen’s speech.

And, in the mid-afternoon, members of the family, including Prince William, paid Prince Philip a 45-minute visit at the hospital. A spokesman for Buckingham Palace tells PEOPLE, “The Duke of Edinburgh was visited by some of his grandchildren at Papworth hospital this afternoon: The Duke of Cambridge, Prince Harry, Princess Beatrice, Princess Eugenie, Peter Phillips and Zara Tindall.” The spokesman added that Duke is in “good spirits” and “will remain in hospital under observation for a short period.”

The grandchildren’s visit comes a day after the Queen went to his bedside Saturday.

[From People]

Elizabeth and Phillip have been married for FIFTY SIXTY-FOUR YEARS. Can you believe that? Phillip is the only man that the Queen has ever loved. I have a feeling – and I hate to even say this, but here goes – that if Phillip goes first, the Queen won’t outlive him by very long. They’ve just got their routine, and I suspect the Queen will fall apart without him. Their shared history is rather amazing, and they complete each other in some strange way. Sigh… do you think Kate and William will have that kind of partnership in fifty years’ time? I wonder…

Photos courtesy of Fame.

A few nights ago, Duchess Kate and her husband and her brother-in-law all went to an awards ceremony for military personnel. Kate wore a rather gorgeous Alexander McQueen gown that was pretty much universally loved. The only thing most of bitched about was her “signature” Waity-Katy curls o’plenty. Kate has one hairstyle, even for red carpet events. Anyway, when I was looking through those photos, I remarked on Kate’s figure, and how she was looking healthier. Not so emaciated, more toned and fit, like she’d been eating solids and exercising. Well, I take it back.

These are new photos of Kate and Will at Centrepoint, a charity dealing with the homeless. William is a patron of the charity, as was his mother. This was Will and Kate’s final charitable outing of the year, and look at how Kate chose to present herself. A sweater dress and little toothpick legs. I’m sorry, but those legs are not aspirational. Those legs frighten me. Probably because I remember how lovely and athletic her legs used to be – she used to look like an athletic girl, with toned, lovely legs, and now I feel like she could snap like a twig. Ugh.

The sweater dress is Ralph Lauren, by the way. It costs 350 pounds, which is… what? About $500-550? And she wore that to a homeless charity event? Sure. Okay. So, do we even have to talk about the possibility that she’s pregnant? I feel like she’s not. I feel like she’s not going to get knocked up until well into next year. Someone give her a carton of cigs for Christmas, because she’s not going to have to put on the baby weight for a while.

One last thing – and yes, I’m a broken record about this, but I just want to say it again. STOP saying that Kate is a classy dresser. She’s not. She’s skinny and she has barely any bust or hips or curves in any way, which is how she can pull off wearing skin-tight sweaterdresses and low-cut silk jersey dresses. If someone built like Sofia Vergara – or even Blake Lively, with her “enhanced” curves – tried to wear Kate’s outfits, it would look trashy and obscene.

PS… I swear, she’s doubling-down on the eye-liner. I think she’s added some blue eye shadow contouring. Also: I really hope Kate’s New Year’s resolution is to STOP PLAYING WITH HER HAIR.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Yay! New Duchess Kate photos! These are pics of Kate on her special date night with both Prince Harry and Prince William. She was the black velvet meat in that sandwich, at least on that red carpet. Now… I’ve written some fan fiction about the possibility that Kate and Harry will end up in a “situation” with each other and that Kate’s future child could be a ginger, but none of the tabloids have picked up on it yet. COME ON. We’ve had fan-fiction and William and Pippa – we need Harry/Waity fan-fiction.

Anyway, the princes and the duchess were at the Sun Military Awards (“A Night of Heroes”), and Kate wore this lovely black velvet Alexander McQueen gown. I love the gown. I love the skirt of the gown in particular – it’s a beautifully cut dress. I like that Kate doesn’t look pregnant (I don’t think she is yet, and I don’t think she will be for months), but she looks… like she’s been eating solids? Her arms look toned and muscular, not bony. That’s nice. The only thing I don’t like? Her hair/weave/whatever. This dress deserved a real red carpet hairstyle, and Kate just did the same old thing.

Also – the jewelry that she’s wearing? Those pieces are apparently “wedding presents.” Who gives a bride jewelry for her wedding? Besides, like, the Queen and the bride’s parents, maybe.

This was one of the last public appearances Kate will make in 2011. She and William are due to make a charity visit later this week and then they’ll head to Sandringham for a royal holiday. And then in January, we’re supposed to hear which charities Kate will be signing on for. If she doesn’t have the goalpost moved again.

Photos courtesy of PR Photos.

This National Enquirer story is maybe one of my favorite stories of the year. I’m not saying it’s the truthiest or the most believable, because it’s totally not. It’s just an enjoyable piece of pure fiction that I absolutely loved. According to the Enquirer’s sources, Prince William is secretly in love with his wife’s sister, Pippa Middleton. William and Pippa. OMG.

Prince William is secretly in love with his wife’s stunning sister, Pippa Middleton – and insiders say the explosive scandal could take down the British monarchy once and for all! Pippa has been invited to join the royal family at the country estate of Sadringham Palace for Christmas as a guest of William and Kate’s for his younger brother Harry, but royal insiders reveal that it’s all a big sham. They claim it was William who orchestrated the whole affair – just so he can have Pippa around!

Insiders claims Kate has no idea her new husband is harboring such deep feelings for her sister, and that if she did, their eight-month marriage would be over.

“William has fallen hard for Pippa. He can’t take his eyes off her,” one insider told The Enquirer. “William is just using Harry as a smokescreen so he can have Pippa close by.”

Sources close to William divulged that William often fantasizes about Pippa, marveling: “My God, she’s so beautiful!” [Editor’s note: Srsly?]

“Kate would be beyond furious if she knew what was really going on! This could end up in divorce… Prince William now realizes he’s had a long, deep-seated love for his wife’s sister.”

Just weeks before William and Kate got married, some “racy” photos of Pippa were released on the Internet. Kate was “outraged” and immediately reprimanded her younger sibling. “But William LOVED the pictures,” insisted the insider. “They were fuel for his fantasies. He’s asked himself time and again, ‘Did I marry the wrong sister?’”

“Is this Pippa thing goes any further it could bring down the monarchy,” wanred another source. “Unless William lets go of his infatuation he could create the biggest royal scandal in recent history. Right now Pippa is his fantasy woman. We can only pray he comes to his senses and keeps it that way.”

[From The Enquirer, print edition]

Yes, this entire article was full of euphemisms for “Prince William jerks off to photos of his sister-in-law.” Excuse me, his “beautiful” (??) sister-in-law. I mean… on one side, poor Kate. She’s the pretty sister! Pippa is the ambitious sister, and Kate is the pretty one, the one with the motherlode of patience and a frightening lack of ambition. That being said, I could see why a dude – any dude, really – might prefer Pippa’s company over Kate’s. Pippa is Forever Uptradey, true, but she seems bright, opinionated, and loads more interesting than Kate. Pippa starts a conversation and dominates it, while Kate just asks, “What would you like to talk about?” and starts blinking furiously.

But seriously, none of this story is true. William wanted a geisha, someone who would know her “place,” someone who would never challenge him, and that’s what he got. I’m sure he’s very happy with his choice, and if he isn’t, he’ll just screw around and Kate will look the other way, just like she did when they were dating. There will be no talk of “divorce.” There will only be “Well, this is what you waited nine years for. Suck it up.”

Photos courtesy of WENN.