Here she is voting in Brentwood yesterday. [via]

If you’re a stay at home mom watching television with your children you inevitably end up rating the guys on the kids’ shows based on which ones you’d sleep with. At least, you know, I do. So here’s my list of the top eight hot guys on children’s television. I wanted to have a top ten list, but couldn’t seem to find ten without adding all the Wiggles (and they’re all deserving, even the narcoleptic guy) or using cartoon and non-human characters like Bob The Builder.

It’s based on somewhat current shows, because to consider the entertainers of my childhood like Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo would just be wrong. (Plus they were all pretty fug and would be out of the running anyway.)

1. With a cute accent and a cuter ass, Sportacus from Lazy Town easily tops the list. The show is far from watchable. An annoying pink-haired pixie and her plastic-faced friends jump around and sing frenetically about the benefits of a healthy lifestyle while a less than believable skinny villian with giant eyebrows tries to keep them from playing sports. Sportacus, though, always saves the day with his fast moves and flawless body. He seems like the type of bland foreign lover that would have made a summer in my early 20s pass a lot quicker.

2. The men of Australian singing troop “The Wiggles“ are most mother’s fantasy children’s television hookups, but one definitely stands out. Wiggle Anthony is freaking hot. He’s the one in the blue shirt that loves to eat fruit. I would gladly set out a bowl for him.

3. Paul Ewing of the BBC Show “Tikkabilla” did not come to my attention until I did the research for this post and found a thread at Mumsnet on this very subject of hot children’s hosts. I’ve only seen the show twice, but the moms love this tall Scottish dreamboat, who is also an accomplished musician and stage actor. Here’s his myspace for his band.

4. Steve Burns, the host of “Blue’s Clues” from 1996-2001, may not be as enthusiastic a sidekick to an animated dog as his successor Joe, but his emo attitude and cute sense of wonder make him oddly attractive. Joe is traditionally hotter than Steve, but his naivety is way too convincing. Steve made the transition from children’s television to lead singer of a band and has successfully reinvented himself. As long as there are reruns and old Blues DVDs, he’ll stay in the fantasies of many a bored housewife.

5. Cute baldie Shane from Noggin and Nick Jr’s new show “The Upside Down Show“ gets into all sorts of goofy pretend situations with his sidekick David, and manages to look hip and hittable the entire time. Shane and David are an Australian comedy duo called “The Umbilical Brothers” and now entertain children and drooling moms alike. What is it about those Aussie guys?

6. Lavar Burton of “Reading Rainbow“ has piercing eyes and an infectious smile. The show might have been cancelled in 2004, but you can still catch gorgeous Lavar on the PBS reruns.

7. Head Wiggle Greg drives the Big Red Car and uses priceless Aussie expressions like “beauty, mate.” The actor is currently suffering fainting spells from an unknown health problem, so send your best wishes to this hot Wiggle for a quick recovery.

8. Joe of Blues Clues kind of gets me in one episode called “Morning Music” where he looks all cute and is just waking up in the morning. I always imagine that he has some chick in his bedroom who has to sneak out the back door. He goes on to sing about going to the bathroom with lyrics that include “We know how to pee and poo. Just sit on the toilet like a grownup would, And see what we can do, do, do,” which kind of ruins it for me.

Are there any I’ve missed? Let me know because it would be nice to have the top ten hottest guys on children’s TV, but I already feel pretty sleazy for picking out eight.

Update: Thanks to Julie for reminding me about the Zoboomafoo brothers, who will round out our list nicely. The series aired on PBS from 1999-2001, well before I had a child, but I remember seeing it and thinking they were hot. This is sad but true.

9. Chris Kratt from Zoboomafoo

10. Martin Kratt from Zoboomafoo

Here’s a clip from The Wiggles.

This article sounds like complete bullshit to me, and was probably made up by someone who read the news that Jess has been prowling for guys on myspace, posing as a shy Texas girl. She also admitted in a recent OK! interview that she has sexy late night phone conversations. People will undoubtedly comment on this article as if this is true, having only read the headline and not the commentary that I think it’s fake. This happens a lot.

Jessica Simpson is said to have picked up a guy online and to have realized he was a professional escort when she met him in person:

Sex-starved Jessica Simpson used the Internet to find a new man, but her search ended in disaster when the mystery date turned out to be a male escort.

“Jessica logged on [to an Internet matchmaking service] to find company,” reveals a friend. “She found a picture of a guy in LA she thought was ideal.”

However, her hopefulness turned to horror when she discovered the man she was meeting was a prostitute.

“They arranged to meet, but when she turned up, she found out the sad truth — he was only interested in a ‘professional transaction’. The guy turned out to be a male escort.”

The humiliated pop star fled the scene as soon as she realised she’d been tricked. “Jessica was horrified and told him to go to hell,” says a pal. “She wasn’t that desperate.”

But it was desperation that drove her to seek companionship over the Internet in the first place. Since splitting with her now ex-husband Nick Lachey in late 2005, Jess’s love-life has gone from bad to worse.

This could be true, but it seems exceptionally fake to me. It kind of plays into the “poor downtrodden Jess” image. She’s certainly dumb enough to do it. It takes some smarts to date successfully, and she only realized recently how lucky she was in her first marriage.

The details are pretty sketchy. Do you think it’s true? I really doubt it.

Here is Jessica out at Koi restaurant on November 3. [via]

Just like Anna Nicole’s sad life of cashing in and Madonna’s PR adoption, the K-Fed and Britney divorce is the story that keeps on giving.

The news we reported yesterday that K-Fed will have to return all gifts over $10,000 according to the prenup might not be true. The NY Daily News is reporting that he gets to keep all the overpriced crap he raps about, including his custom Ferrari and Pepperidge Farm Chessman cookie necklace. He has also filed suit for custody of his two children with Britney, Sean Preston, one and Jayden James, 2 months. Kevin was said to be trying to file for divorce from Britney first and he supposedly wanted to try for $30 million settlement by using their kids as pawns. If he’s asking for custody now that probably means that he’s trying to show he’s serious about fatherhood in order to better stake his claim for Britney’s cash.

Still, Kevin won’t get as much as he’s looking for. He’s a greedy bastard with expensive tastes, and he won’t get half of their $7.3 million Malibu mansion since Britney bought it before she met him:

But Kevin - who reportedly has asked for custody of their two kids as well as spousal support - won’t walk away empty-handed.

Kevin definitely does get to keep all the toys he has acquired over the past two years, including a personalized Ferrari (logo replaced with Federline), numerous pieces of jewelry and diamond-encrusted watches, and the $1 million Britney invested to produce his single, “PopoZao.”

Legal experts say that to keep the Kevster quiet, Britney will have to work out some kind of structured settlement and confidentiality agreement to stop her ex-hubby from selling their story to the press over the next several years.

The $7.3 million Malibu mansion, the one with eight bedrooms, eight bathrooms, an Olympic-size pool, regulation tennis court, spa, gym and fully equipped outdoor kitchen, was purchased by Spears before the marriage.

The couple reportedly spent $150,000 on a new nursery and baby-proofing the house when Sean Preston was born and $400,000 to build Kevin a personal recording studio.

Britney also owned a three-bedroom, 4 1/2-bath Manhattan condominium (once owned by Keith Richards) before getting hitched to K-Fed. It sold for $4 million in August, which was $1 million more than Brit originally paid for it. It will be up to the judge on whether she must share only the actual profit with Kevin.

K-Fed performed in Chicago at the House of Blues last night, telling the crowd that he’s a free man and pointing out a “sexy ass lady.” His ticket sales were so bad that the House of Blues was giving them away.

“Hey, I see a lot of fine ladies in here,” said the rapper. “You know I’m a free man, right, ladies? You wanna dance with a pimp?” Later on he added, “That’s a sexy-ass lady right there,” pointing into the crowd.

Pictures from People.com and Gabsmash.

Unlike Kate Hudson, who still hasn’t filed for divorce despite announcing her separation three months ago, Reese Witherspoon has not wasted any time making her split from Ryan Phillippe official, and has filed divorce papers citing “irreconcilable differences.”

Reese checked the box terminating Ryan’s right to spousal support, and has written in that she requests “Exclusive use of the family residence,” meaning Ryan has to get out of their mansion, or has already done so. She is seeking primary physical custody of their two children, Deacon, 3, and Ava, 7, but plans to grant visitation rights to Ryan.

Meanwhile Reese was spotted at a cafe in Austin, Texas - less than a mile and a half away from the Asian restaurant where her husband was busted making out with his costar Abbie Cornish a month ago. (I actually looked this up and would call it an exclusive, but it wasn’t that brilliant of a connection.)

Academy Award winner Reese Witherspoon dined Tuesday night at Austin Java Co. on Barton Springs Road with an unidentified man and dog.
Witherspoon, wearing a lavender and black jumpsuit, sat on the front porch of the popular South Austin restaurant and ate half of a chicken sandwich.
She seemed to go unnoticed by diners, but smiled at a couple of folks who recognized her as she walked out.

What was Reese doing in Austin? Ryan and Abby Cornish are said to have cheated after hooking up on the set of their movie “Stop Loss,” which was filming there. A half-assed Google search yielded no connection between Reese and Austin, and she grew up in the city of Nashville. It’s possible that Reese had a business meeting there, but it seems more likely to me - and much more salacious to report - that she was trying to get to the bottom of her husband’s cheating. Who was the guy she was having lunch with? Was he an on-set spy? An industry insider giving Reese the dirt?

Reese is due to start filming the thriller “Rendition,” but filming is said to be taking place in LA, Washington DC, Morocco and Cape Town. Austin is not on the list.

Phillippe never denied that he cheated on Reese, and gave a statement to People that “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of. My priority is and always has been the health and safety of my family.”

Us Weekly points out how much Ryan’s new maybe-girlfriend looks like Reese (composite image above), and cites a relationship expert who claims that men look for another version of their wife who is more appreciative of them and easily dominated.

Everyone is saying that K-Fed didn’t know the divorce was coming since he went on and on about how he was in a partnership with Britney, and was captured on videotape receiving the divorce news via text message.

I wonder if he’ll ever regret bragging about how much he loves tacky bling and luxury cars? He told Salon magazine that he still feels “poor” despite a “fetish” for items that could feed entire African villages for a year.

He also said that his relationship with his wife is worth way more than all the material goods he covets and accumulates. Let’s see how he really feels about that when he’s trying to get a chunk of her money:

The watch you’re wearing is worth more money than I’ve made in the last five years.

That’s my baby. Whenever I made some money that’s the first thing I went and bought.

So there are certain aspects of the lifestyle you probably enjoy.

Of course, of course. I have my fetishes like everybody else does. My shoes — my kick game is ridiculous.

How many shoes do you have?

Probably like 80 to 100 pairs. My watch game is ridiculous — just jewelry in general. It’s an investment. I bought this [points to his watch], and it’s already gone up in value. All the jewelry I’m wearing has already gone up in value.

You’re not planning on selling it anytime soon are you?

Hell no. I ain’t getting rid of it. I’m going to go out and get some more. It’s great to be able to go and do that stuff, but you really sit back and think about it … You could have all the money in the world and within two months of having that … Say you hit the lotto, right? Two months of having that money, you go and buy a mansion, you buy a big-ass boat, you travel all around the world, you do everything in two months. That’s not gonna buy you happiness. That’s not gonna define who I am. It only goes so far. There’s something way beyond that that’s deep that I have with my wife that nobody will ever understand…

What’s the last book you read?
o
Last book I read was either — man, somebody just asked me this shit today — it was either Russell Simmons’ or Puffy’s book. I’m really studying people who have been in this business and people who have really made themselves into a business from nothing because basically that’s … you see the watch and you see the jewelry and even though, yeah, I do have money, in a sense, I act like I really don’t. Right now the way I look at it is that I’m broke and I’m struggling to get this shit off.

He also claimed that he’s rapping because he loves to, and not because he needs the money. Most incredibly, though, he claims that his terrible rap-like music would have been super popular if he never hooked up with Britney! “If people didn’t know who I was, a couple of the records that I’ve thrown out would’ve probably blown up huge by now. It would’ve just come out of nowhere — people wouldn’t know what to expect.”

Denise Richards got in a heated argument with a photographer at a hotel near where she is shooting her new movie, “Blonde and Blonder,” with Pamela Anderson in Vancouver, British Columbia. She stormed up to his hotel room and ended up having a hissy fit and throwing his laptop off the balcony. People reports that an 80 year-old woman in a wheelchair was passing by on the ground floor at the time and got hit in the arm with the falling computer. She is said to have suffered only minor injuries and to have been treated at the scene.

Lainey’s gossip reports that she spoke to the photographer and that two women were injured, including a 91 year-old, but People says that it was just the one:

The River Rock Casino where Denise and Pam are shooting Blonde and Blonder – huge drama, a small village of witnesses, police are on site RIGHT NOW (6:30pm PST)!!!

A couple of photographers are taking photos from a balcony overlooking the concourse where Denise was getting ready for her scene. She sees them, she storms up the stairs, a heated exchange ensues, she’s overheard cussing at them, an eye and ear witness tells me he heard the word “cocksucker”, they’re cussing back at her… and then!

And then!

She grabs one of their laptops and THROWS IT OVER THE BALCONY!!!

The laptop goes flying and it HITS AN OLDER LADY IN THE ARM!!!

This was observed by everyone on the set not to mention many, many casino patrons…

I was the only one to speak to the photographer involved in the incident tonight. Rik Fedyck is a freelance photographer in Vancouver.

He confirmed to me and to CTV news exclusively that Denise Richards stormed up the stairs at the River Rock Casino and Resort on Wednesday late afternoon and after a heated exchange, grabbed his laptop and threw it off the balcony.

He also told me that two elderly women were struck. According to Rik, one of the women was 91 years old.

Yep. I can see getting annoyed at some photographers, but throwing a laptop off a balcony? That just goes to show what kind of temper she has.

Richie Sambora has recently said that he wants to start a family with Denise Richards and that he wants more children. The two neighbors started a rebound relationship after breaking up with their respective partners this spring. I wonder if this latest incident will make him rethink his plans?

Look at how nasty Denise looks in these candids taken on set on 11/4. You could see how she would go off like that.

Update Photos removed at request of photographer, who may have had his laptop destroyed for these pictures, but that’s speculation on my part.

There’s all sorts of Britney news today. I was going to break it up into several stories, but I’ll just give the highlights here.

- Pamela Anderson had a miscarriage! [Us Magazine]
- Mischa Barton’s nude scene is a big letdown [Celeb News Wire]
- Shanna Moakler says she’s met an “average guy” and that only 1/5 of his body is covered in tattoos [Gabsmash]
- The little black dress was worn by Ashlee Simpson, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton this week [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Katie Holmes shops for more black clothing [Mollygood]
- Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale hate each other [yeeeah]
- Studio 60 will probably get another year’s worth of episodes and Robert DeNiro and 50 Cent are going to star in a movie together as cop partners! [Pajiba]
- Celebrities made Photoshop square [CityRag]
- Keith Urban talks about his battle with addiction [Socialite's Life]
- Jennifer Lopez must have fired her stylist and makeup artist [Faded Youth]
- Pete Doherty is on the Slimfast diet [Agent Bedhead]
- Lindsay Lohan shows her nipples to distract from the terrible outfit she’s wearing [Hollywood Tuna]
- The truth about Hugh Heffner’s girlfriends, “The Girls Next Door” [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
- Bill Mahar is the Perez Hilton of smug lefty comics [Best Week Ever]
- The Bastardly’s contributing writer promotes her lesbian sex video. That’s way better than the ladies of the day. [The Bastardly]
- Brandy went to a bible study meeting and got all up in everyone’s faces with her Scientology bullshit. Brandy is a Scientologist?! [Suicide Girls]
- Dysfunctional family letter generator [White Trash Mom]
- Where to get Jennifer Garner’s baby bag and accessories [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
- Salma Hayek has a great rack [Metadish]
- There are tons of celebrities in Johnny Cash’s “Gods gonna cut you down” video [popbytes]
- Gwen Stefani lost her baby weight, did not gain a sense of style [The Skinny Website]

Madonna has upset the people who run the Malawian orphanage where she snatched little half-orphan Davie Banda by claiming that he had an “horrendous” diaper rash and was living in poor conditions. Officials there fear that Madonna’s snide remarks about the care they give their children could screw them out of the small donations they rely on to run the orphanage. They also say that Madonna is lying through her teeth, and that no one told her that the baby was not visited by his father. They also say that despite all the media attention they’re still working with a shoestring budget and that Madonna’s criticisms could really hurt the orphans that were left behind:

One of the orphanage’s founders has written to the BBC, protesting at the pop singer’s comments in an interview with Newsnight, which is to be broadcast in full for the first time this weekend.

The British charity which raises funds for Home of Hope orphanage in Malawi said it feared he remarks would lead to a drop off in donations.

In the letter to Newsnight, the charity’s secretary Rosemary Lowdon wrote: “We have been very disturbed that the Home of Hope appears to have been described as a place where children are not cared for properly.”

“We must stress that no money has come to the Home as a result of this adoption, and the financial resources at the Home are very limited.”

“We are desperately worried that people will cease donating as a result of Madonna’s comments, and that this will make a difference between life and death for some of the most vulnerable children at the Home.”

Mrs Lowdon, who helped set up the orphanage with her husband Martin in 1998 and who raised £20,000 to help run it last year, is in Malawi visiting the institution where David Banda, the 13-month-old baby Madonna has adopted, was cared for.

Mrs Lowdon took a copy of the abbreviated Newsnight interview to show to the Reverend Thomson Chipeta, the 77-year old Presbyterian minister who runs the orphanage.

“He was very shaken, he was very upset,” said Mrs Lowdon, 41.

“He said to me, ‘Why is she saying this?’”

Madonna has claimed David was in an appalling state when she first saw the toddler last month.

The boy, she claimed, was suffering “the most horrendous diaper rash I’ve ever seen.”

The singer, 48, who is adopting David with film director husband Guy Ritchie, also claimed she had been told by the Rev Chipeta that the boy was no longer visited by his father.

Kids get diaper rashes, and it’s often not anyone’s fault. Even the best cared-for babies can get thrush. Madonna is just a bitch.

Meanwhile Madonna called Gwen Stefani to tell her that Davie wouldn’t wear the L.A.M.B. baby clothes that Stefani thoughtfully sent her. Madonna is said to have told Gwen she doesn’t want to promote her clothing line and wouldn’t dress Davie in the clothes. Couldn’t she have just sent a thank you letter? People gave me some ugly clothes for my son and I just wrote thank you letters or took a picture of him in them and sent it. She didn’t have to get into a whole debate about it!

Madonna also supposedly called up Angelina Jolie all upset about the fact that her baby-snatching was such a focus of the media while Angelina got away scott free with Maddox and Zahara.

I don’t know if all that is true, but Madonna is surely a bitch for disparaging the orphanage that so gratefully opened their doors for her and let her take home Davie without going through proper channels. I hope that people help that orphanage out and that it’s not too distressing for them to have to deal with all the criticisms that Madonna heaps on them whenever she opens her mouth. Talk about an ungrateful bitch. Maybe if they all had red strings on their hands and gave the babies Kabbalah water instead of breastmilk Madonna would say what a great place it was.

Madonna had a bruise on her cheek after a supposed accident with a paparrazo. The people at Splash News suggest that Madonna is not telling the truth about the incident. Pictures from People.com and SplashNews.