Have you seen those commercials with Montel Williams? He drives around on a bus, doling out prescriptions (or I guess prescription assistance) to Americans who don’t have insurance, all the while assuring us that America’s drug companies really do care about our health. How calming and reassuring. It turns out Montel isn’t just the pretty face for their television ad campaign. He actually does go around doing publicity for the Partnership for Prescription Assistance. No word on if he actually does it in the big PPA bus though.

Montel was giving an interview in Savannah on Friday when Courtney Scott , a high school intern reporter, asked him, “Do you think pharmaceutical companies would be discouraged from research and development if their profits were restricted?” Seems like a fair and well thought out question. Apparently Montel didn’t agree. He very angrily responded, “I’m trying to figure out exactly why you are here and what the interview is about. I’m here as a patient advocate talking about the fact that medications available today are saving people’s lives, that’s what’s saving mine and after that, this interview is done.” Seems awkward and weird, but I doubt anyone would have made anything of it. Except that was just the beginning.

When the Savannah Morning-News reporters later returned to the hotel for an unrelated assignment, he approached one of them - high school student Courtney Scott, an intern at the newspaper. “As we were preparing to film, Montel walked up with his bodyguard and got in Courtney Scott’s face pointing his finger telling her ‘Don’t look at me like that. Do you know who I am? I’m a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up,’” said Joseph Cosey, a web content producer for the newspaper. “At this time he was randomly pointing at all of us.”

Scott said she wasn’t sure how to interpret Williams’ comment. “I’m not sure if he meant ‘blow me up’ and ruin my career or really blow us up, but it was threatening,” Scott said.

Williams, a patient advocate since being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, later issued a statement apologizing for the outburst. “I mistakenly thought the reporter and photographer in question were at the hotel to confront me about some earlier comments,” Williams said. “I was wrong, and I apologize for my overreaction.”

[From the Huffington Post]

Sounds like Montel might want to consider adding a few antipsychotics to his pill regimen. I’m guessing that’s the equivalent of swag with the PPA. From his apology, I don’t think Montel quite understands what he did wrong. The problem wasn’t that he threatened the reporters even though they weren’t there for him; the problem was that he threatened them at all. Even if they were there for him, it’s probably not a good idea to threaten to blow people up. Especially in a public setting. Oh, and especially with reporters. What with that great access to the press and all. Probably also not the greatest plan to threaten to harm a high school student. Again, that’s just me, but I’d at least aim my comments at the adults. But I’m old fashioned that way. When I threaten to blow someone up, I get a glance at their driver’s license first, just to be safe.

Britney still wants K-Fed back and is said to have told him that she doesn’t want him to have any more children without her. She’s recommended that he get a vesectomy to rule out any possibility of future Federlines, and was willing to get her tubes tied if he agreed. Kevin has a new girlfriend, Colin Farrel’s sex tape co-star and former playmate Nicole Narain. Britney is said to be worried that super-potent K-Fed is going to get her pregnant too, and has volunteered to pay for the cost of surgical sterilization. As Kevin is said to have told her, it’s not like he’s the one who needs to get fixed:

“After all that’s happened, Britney still wants to get back with Kevin - and she certainly doesn’t want him having any more children with anyone else,” said a source close to her.

“Britney even offered to pay for the vasectomy and promised to get her tubes tied if Kevin agreed to it. She told him: ‘You have four. You don’t need any more. Please think about it.’”

But Kevin - who has two boys with Britney, plus a son and daughter with ex-girlfriend, actress Shar Jackson - just laughed off Brit’s request, said the source.

“Kevin won’t get a vasectomy but thinks it’s a great idea for Britney to get her tubes tied. He told her: ‘Hell, no! No one is snipping me!’ He wants more Federlines,” said the source.

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, December 3, 2007]

It seems like Britney does shit just about every day that defies explanation, and this is uncharacteristically sane, if not selfish, of her. Kevin is not an ideal parent, but he’s a much better one than she is, even if his primary motivation initially seemed to be cash.

The FedEx can be seen on the cover of Details Magazine this month, where he’s lauded as number seven out of the top 45 men of the year. K-Fed and Larry Birkhead were named fathers of the year. Perez Hilton is also featured, so maybe it’s all tongue in cheek.

Header image of Britney pregnant with Sean Preston is thanks to Splash News.

Heather Mills sure knows how to give average, run-of-the-mill hypocrites a run for their money. The crazed loony - who has long been criticized for her poorly received attempts at social climbing – has decided to further ostracize herself from the nice people that used to have her over for dinner when she was married to a Beatle. For some reason Heather was invited to give a speech to the debate society at Trinity College in Dublin. I have no idea why they would want to give such a raving diatribist an academic soapbox. It’s like encouraging her mad delusions. During her hour and a half long speech (I can’t help but wonder if it really was supposed to be that long) Mills went off on the rich, calling them stingy and snobby. This is the same woman who turned down several divorce settlements in the $50 million range.

Mills McCartney said she was reluctantly obliged to befriend the world’s wealthy because that was the only way to maximize her power as an agent for change.

“Sadly, you have to mix at a certain level of people to raise the level of funds you need to bring about the greater good,” she said. “Because people are very snobby. These people who have lots of money, they’re either snobby or they’re stingy. If you have lots of money, you have to be stingy — because why would you want that amount of money?”

She also compared herself to human rights crusaders down through the ages, suggesting they all had been victimized for their beliefs. “If you look at every single person in the history of the world who has tried to make a difference, you’ll find a very long section of their lives where they were treated horrifically by the government or by the media,” she said.

[From Fox News]

Yeah I laughed pretty hard too. Heather Mills is calling someone else snobby? I would be really curious to hear a psychologist’s take on what is actually wrong with her. It’s more than your regular garden-variety narcissism. It’s especially ironic that Heather is criticizing the wealthy given that in the rough draft for her upcoming book, she talks about her desire for social status and brags about mingling with the upper crust and, “wanting that power for herself” and her “hope to find a rich and powerful man of her own.” The only consolation I have when thinking about Heather Mills is that old adage that the people you meet on the way up are the same ones you meet on the way down. And something tells me she hasn’t managed to stay in the good graces of the people that helped her climb.

Picture note by Celebitchy Heather Mills is shown in Dublin not looking like a snob outside her hotel on 11/21. Thanks to WENN for this picture.

Heather Mills has been offered a lot of advice, not much of which she seems to be taking. I’m thinking about turning her journey of divorce into a book and titling it “How To F**k Up Your Divorce and Get Nothing, Just Like You Deserve You Crazy One-Legged Bitch”. Now, it may seem harsh to make a rude comment on someone’s disability, but she claims her husband did it…

“There are other recordings Heather says prove Paul referred to her as a ‘one-legged bitch,’” says a friend of Mills’. “She’s hoping this shows people what she’s had to put up with, and will let the public make up their own mind about who was to blame for their split.”

“Heather insists these tape recordings are crucial for her future. She’s been branded a liar so many times, and has a massive point to prove,” another source says.

TransWorldNews

She was making recordings of her life with Paul McCartney in anticipation of their divorce, which somehow I doubt were to store as memories but rather to use as leverage in their settlement. These might prove she’s not a liar, but it doesn’t seem to say anything good about her character.

According to reports in the New York Daily News, Paul McCartney will now only be dating women of means. Since McCartney is meant to be worth over a billion dollars, maybe the queen would be a woman of appropriate substance? Rumoured flame Nancy Shevell is independently wealthy, but perhaps a more sensible idea would be to have an iron-clad pre-nuptial agreement.

Note by Celebitchy: I think Heather Mills either started a new psychiatric drug or recently went off the meds she was on. She is seriously unhinged, and she may be well groomed but she’s not sane. It’s not even funny anymore.

Here she is in March campaigning for PETA to save the mother pigs and their piglets from farrowing crates, which are small metal enclosures that mother pigs are put in after they give birth. They are supposed to prevent the mother from crushing the piglets, which would not happen if the pigs were given adequate space, so they’re not needed in non-factory conditions and seem particularly cruel. In close conditions, though, they do prevent piglet death. I was going to make fun of her for this, but then I actually read about it and felt sorry for the pigs. If I keep doing research like this I’m going to end up a vegetarian, which isn’t a bad thing, as long as I don’t get all smug like Heather.

Thanks to PRPhotos for these pictures.

Few things in life piss me off more than really bad Italian food. And apparently that’s the one thing Amy Winehouse and I have in common… well that and unnecessarily big hair. Before her disastrous performance at the MTV Europe Awards last week, Snoop Dogg, the show’s host, decided to pay a visit to Amy. Snoop is nothing if not polite that way. When he got there, he witnessed a scene so bizarre that it freaked even him out – and you know Snoop has seen some crazy shiznit in his day. Amy was throwing spaghetti bolognese all over the walls of her dressing room, cutting up the rug, and hurling whatever she could get her hands on. Which leaves me to wonder: diva, or drugs? Or a diva on drugs?

Amy Winehouse went on the warpath before the MTV Europe Music Awards in Munich last week and caused thousands of pounds’ worth of damage to her dressing room. The Camden caner was armed and dangerous - with a plate of spaghetti bolognese that she picked up and threw over the walls. Angry Amy lobbed anything she could get her hands on - fruit, tables and chairs. And then she turned on the rug in her dressing room at the Olympiahalle, and cut it to shreds.

Legendary party king Snoop Dogg, who had dropped in to visit the beehive-haired diva before the show, was shell-shocked at the carnage. A member of his entourage told me: “An hour and a half before the show, Snoop said he wanted to see Amy. When we got there, she was in a right state. Everyone, including her management, just stood there as she lobbed spaghetti up the walls. It went on for about five minutes - with her kicking the walls and throwing whatever she could get her hands on - even the tables and the chairs. Then she started cutting up the rug. Snoop was just standing there open-mouthed. He was pretty freaked out by it and didn’t want to hang out with her after that.”

[From the Mirror]

When you’re too crazy for Snoop Dogg, you’re too crazy to live. I had a lot of evidence prior to this that Amy Winehouse was likely going to end up dead by the end of the year. I mean she’s got to be the most self-destructive celebrity of the last twenty years, and often makes Britney Spears look like a kitten. Britney has yet to go running through the streets in bloody ballet shoes with cuts on her face… that I know of. Even after overdosing and walking out of rehab, Amy is still having drug dealers bring packages to the windows of her apartment – with paparazzi around. All those things made me worry for her. But Snoop Dogg thinking you’re crazy messed up? Thinking you’re so mental he doesn’t even want to hang out with you and snort a little blow? That’s practically like a psychiatrist saying you’re as good as dead.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Wino accepting her award at the MTV Europe Awards on November 1st. Header is Snoop Dogg hosting the event. Images thanks to WENN.

Uma Thurman’s stalker has been arrested, he’ll appear in court Thursday, after being held in lieu of $10,000 bail.

An obsessed creep has been busted for terrorizing sexy screen star Uma Thurman with a campaign of stalking that included camping outside her house, invading a movie set and penning a bizarre drawing in which she was depicted digging a grave, court papers allege.

Jack Jordan, 35, of California believed that he “loved” the “Kill Bill” star ever since he started stalking her two years ago. He eventually left a letter at her Manhattan apartment that contained a bone-chilling threat, the papers said.

“I feel afraid that if I see you out again with another man, I will want to kill myself. Maybe even after we meet,” he wrote in the missive left at her building last month.

FOXnews

The report actually reads like a complete movie cliché of a stalker – the threats about killing themselves, seeing her with another man would drive him over the edge, time spent by the stalker in a mental hospital, before coming out and lingering near the victims home. Hopefully it doesn’t act out like a Hollywood film for Uma, where her stalker would be deemed not a threat in the eyes of the law. Then he’d continue stalking the successful single woman, being rather more clever and not leaving any evidence for police, so when he breaks into her house and her distressed call is made from her apartment it’s ignored. Then they battle it out in her house, running upstairs, when the exit is down, dramatically leaping down fire escapes, probably doing something nasty to her cat, before she kills him accidentally so she can never be prosecuted. Or she’ll be recued by that guy who she isn’t engaged to, and the movie ends with a wedding, and a man watching her creepily from the shadows. I always like a crap sequel.

I think I’ve missed my true calling. I feel a script coming on…

Anyway, I hope you’re fine Uma. Maybe I’d cast you in my movie. In the meantime she’s busy filming The Accidental Husband and My Zinc Bed, and hosting the Fashion Rocks for the Prince’s Trust 2007 event.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Uma is shown in the header image on 7/7/07 at Valentino Garavani Fashion Show/

Note by Celebitchy: Both Helen and JayBird covered this, so here’s Helen’s take on it, followed by JayBird.

Robert Furo was charged with residential burglary and remanded to jail on 100,000 dollar bail, after allegedly breaking into Cage’s oceanfront home in NewPort Beach, 80 kilometers (50 miles) south of here, said the local district attorney’s spokeswoman Farrah Emami.

“The defendant, Mr Furo, is accused of breaking into the home of the victim, Nicolas Cage … and wearing Mr. Cage’s jacket” early Monday, she said.

Inquirer.net

Nick escorted the intruder into his backyard, and when he got there he discovered the guy was wearing his jacket. It must have been a nice jacket. Nick Cage likes them action movies, so I’m guessing he’d have a really nice home entertainment unit, you might steal that first. Or even his cell phone. Or some cash you found lying around. Not so for this intruder, not when you can have a nice jacket instead.

The intruder will appear in court on 10th October. He’s listed his occupation as ‘tailor’, so either he’s not so crazy and recognises the amusement of stealing only a jacket, or it was really a very lovely jacket and he simply recognised that as part of his profession.

Written by Helen, JayBird’s version to follow

I’m sure being a celebrity isn’t all sweetness and light. I know we all would like to be famous, or at least rich, and most of the famous people we talk about here sought out their fame, and thus chose it, with all the good and the bad that comes with it. Still, there’s some freaky elements to deal with, like… stalkers! Now they say you’re no one in Hollywood until you have your very own stalker, and while it’s nice to know you’ve arrived, it’s probably not so nice to realize it when someone’s trying to slash your tires… or your throat. Nicolas Cage got a little bit of the weirdo action when he woke up on Monday morning to find a man in his house… wearing his coat. I gotta tell you, if I were to break in to a rich person’s house, trying on their clothes would not be my first order of business. Which makes me think this dude is likely crazy. Or just obsessed with couture who knows.

“Sweet dreams aren’t made of this. An Orange County man has since been arrested and charged with burglary after Nicolas Cage woke up early Monday morning to find the guy shuffling around his Newport Beach home. Cage reported seeing a strange male in his home to his community’s gate guard, who in turn called the cops.

“Newport Beach police told “E! News” that Robert Furo Jr. was wearing Cage’s jacket when the actor spotted him shortly before 1:30 a.m. The Oscar winner then escorted Furo outside, where officers took him into custody without incident a few moments later.

“Police said that there was no sign of forced entry and Furo didn’t give them, or Cage (minus the trauma factor) any trouble. The Ghost Rider star’s wife, Alice Kim, and their son Kal-El, who turns two on Wednesday, were also asleep in the house at the time.

“Furo pleaded not guilty to felony burglary Tuesday and is currently still behind bars. Bail was set at $100,000 and the defendant, who identified himself as a tailor, is due back in court for a pretrial hearing Oct. 10.”

[From E! News]

Well at least it sounds like this Robert Furo Jr was one of your nicer, better behaved crazies. There’s a sliding scale of crazy: the bottom being the guy who stands outside your house with binoculars, the second being the guy who walks inside, takes his pants off and sits on all your furniture, and the third being the guy that stabs you in the kidney. There is nothing between the pants-off guy and the stabbing guy. So considering that rule, it sounds like Cage’s crazy guy was right in the middle – the report doesn’t mention the sate of Furo’s underwear, so I’m going to assume it was around his ankles. I’m glad Nicolas Cage and his family are alright, though I’d recommend they purchase a top of the line steam upholstery cleaner, just to be safe.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Nicolas Cage is shown on the set of “National Treasure 2″ in London on 8/3/07. Thanks to PRPhotos.

Tom Cruise is laying out plans to build a huge underground bunker at his Telluride, Colorado estate. It will have a state of the art air purification system and will be large enough with enough equipment and supplies for at least ten people to survive for years. That’s not crazy or anything.

Devout Scientologist Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride, Colorado, mansion, a source tells Star! Equipped with a high tech air-purifying system, “it’s a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survice for years.” Apparently, Scientologists believe that the evil deposed galatic [sic] ruler Xenu is set to attack Earth, and they’ll need a safe place to survive.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, October 1, 2007]

According to the drug-fueled ramblings of Scientology’s founder, L Ron Hubbard, there was a big attack 75 million years ago in which this Xenu guy made billions of people line up by volcanoes and terminated them with hydrogen bombs. All of our problems stem from this one incident, claim Scientologists, and our memories and psychological problems are made up of the fractured souls of the people who were killed. We would all have god-like knowledge and ability if only we could free ourselves of the trauma of that event. This is something that Scientologists are brainwashed to believe they have achieved once they surrender enough time, money, common sense and free will. Only when they reach the highest level of the cult, or Operating Thetan 3, are Scientologists told the story about the volcano genocide, but thanks to the wonder of the Internet you get it for free.

I wasn’t able to dig up much about Scientology’s teachings on the end of the world, and maybe you can help shed some light onto this matter. According to Wikipedia, Xenu is supposedly trapped in an alternate universe forever, kind of like those three villains stuck under glass and floating in space in the Superman movie. He could come back though, and only the super rich deluded folks like Cruise and Travolta will be prepared.

Concern for the survival of one’s family in the event of a nuclear attack or massive world war is only natural, and maybe if I had a quarter of a billion dollars I would consider setting up a giant underground bunker too. I really doubt it though. The only preparations I made on December 31, 1999 were getting an outfit and having my nails done for a New Year’s party. Stockpiling water and supplies for the millennium just wasn’t high on my to-do list.

Maybe if Cruise could pop some lithium every day he wouldn’t be so worried about the end of the world. Along with providing ease of mind and more stable moods, it would be a hell of a lot cheaper, too. L Ron Hubbard must have realized that prescription medication would help his most devoted followers figure out what bullshit he was preaching, so he decided to make psychiatrists enemy number one. The guy was crazy like a fox.

In other Tom Cruise news, he has been given permission by the German government to film scenes for his Nazi hero movie Valkyrie at the Bendlerblock building, a World War II historic site. The German government was initially reluctant to grant permission to film there due to concern for the preservation of the site. A minute of silence was observed at the location this weekend before filming began.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are shown leaving an Italian restaurant in Berlin on Thursday. Thanks to WENN for these pictures. All details about Scientology from Operation Clambake and Wikipedia.

So just what was going on with Britney Spears that had her bodyguard Tony Barretto so worried? Barretto has given several good quotes that explain his worries, and most of them seem fairly credible, given Spears bizarre, erratic, and seemingly unsafe behavior. Barretto doesn’t seem to have anything to gain from coming forward with his allegations – he went to a lawyer and a court of law first. It’s hard to say if the tabloids have paid him or not, but he didn’t just go blabbing to them without backing up his accusations, so I think it’s fair to give some weight to what he says. It’s a really long article, so I’ll just give you some of the highlights. Keep in mind this is from “News of the World,” and they can get a little over-dramatic with the CAPS.

On why he came forward:

“OVERDOSED in a drug-strewn hotel room on a binge with junkie lover Howie Day just days after checking out of rehab. ‘She was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge—we thought she was dying,’ said Tony. Man mountain 6ft 7in Barretto, 27—nicknamed Fat Tony—told us: ‘I gave evidence to the court because Britney is out of control and needs help. I have done this for her children. She’s not a good mother. She has mental problems. With her drug and booze issues, her home is no place for kids to be raised.’”

[From News of the World]

On Spears’ brief relationship with Howie Day:

“She went on a date with musician Day, 26—who she’d met in rehab—telling her worried protection team she didn’t need them. Tony said: ‘We did security checks on Howie and told her he was trouble. But she ignored us.’ Hours later hysterical Britney, 25, called aides, claiming Day was refusing to let her leave their hotel room. Tony recalled: ‘She said she wanted to cancel the tour. She was very confused. We asked her if she was OK and reminded her she had a show to do. Then Howie came on the phone and started arguing with us. We knew we had to get to her fast.’

“Tony raced to LA’s plush Mondrian Hotel with another bodyguard and Britney’s best friend and PA Alli Sims. When they got to their room they found the door open and an appalling scene inside. Tony said: ‘We could see Britney all red-eyed from crying. Howie was lying in his boxers asleep on the bed. The hotel room was trashed. There were half-eaten plates of food everywhere. There were blankets all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere. The trash was emptied everywhere over the floor. The entire place was littered with empty beer bottles and liquor bottles, small glasses of ice and cigarette butts everywhere. On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.’

“The drug has similar effects to amphetamine and ecstasy. Overdosing can cause heart failure. Tony went on: ‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she’d overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die. There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she’d been injecting, or through her neck.’”

[From News of the World]

On ignoring her kids:

“‘I was worried about the children due to her erratic behaviour. She wouldn’t talk to them at all and she would be in her own world. I remember being in the hallway, and she was at the other end looking completely out of it. She would be nervously chewing her fingernails and babbling away. We’d have to look after the kids while she went through her strange behaviour. I know enough about drugs to know she was not being the normal Britney.’ Tony said: ‘I hope this will be wake-up call to her. I like Britney. All I want is for her to be a success and a good mum.’”

[From News of the World]

On Sean Preston and Jayden James becoming scared of Britney:

“He also told how she kept Jayden James and Sean Preston up late so they would sleep through the mornings and not wake her. If they woke early, a member of staff dealt with them. Tony said: ‘Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she’s happy. When they’re crying or unwell, she’s not sure what to do. She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don’t get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.’

Tony said he never saw her feed the boys. He added: ‘When they are unwell, her answer is: “Give the baby a bottle of medicine.” I’ve never seen her deal with them like a full, attentive mum.’ Tony knew he had to take action when Britney nearly wrote off her car with the kids inside. He said: ‘We followed her but she was driving like a lunatic on the wrong side of the road. It was terrifying.’

[From News of the World]

So not that we were sitting around wondering why Britney shouldn’t have custody of her kids, but I think this gives us all a much better idea as to the specific behaviors. Considering how bizarrely she’s acted in public, all of Barretto’s accusations do a good job of explaining Britney’s actions. Nothing here is really a surprise, in and of itself, it’s just shocking to hear that a parent could behave this way around her kids, and in life in general. I’m not a mom so I don’t completely understand the emotions of this, but I can’t understand why a person who appears to not want to deal with being a parent would fight so hard to be one.

I’m not going to say that it actually sucks to be Britney Spears – I means she’s got money, fame, a decent amount of talent if she’d actually use it properly… but it’s got to suck a little bit, at least lately. There definitely aren’t as many people that’d be willing to trade live with her as there used to be. Brit had a pretty crappy day yesterday: the surprise secret witness (who wasn’t as exciting as we’d all hoped – who else was pulling for Perry the manny?), former bodyguard Tony Barretto, submitted a sealed declaration about Brit’s drug use, nudity, and “safety issues” involving his sons – all post rehab. Brit’s lawyers chose not to cross-examine him, which shocked Barretto’s lawyer, Gloria Allred. Does anyone else think it’s really weird that someone so non-famous chose Allred as his lawyer? I mean he’s no Amber Frey, what’s he hoping to get from this?

We don’t yet know how specific the allegations are (ie did he see Brit high or did he see her with a needle in her arm?) but hopefully, they’ll be unsealed or leaked at some point. I say hopefully because we’ll have a field day with them. I think the drug use and nudity have all been pretty obvious – I mean the girl can’t keep her undies on in public, why in the world would she bother in private? But I am curious about the specific allegations involving “safety issues” relating to the kids, and those seem the most urgent to me. Apparently “Spears hired Barretto when she left a rehabilitation facility in March but fired him May 17 because ‘he didn’t hear her when she asked him to pick up her hat,’ Allred said,” according to the Associated Press.

“A former bodyguard for Britney Spears went to court Monday to support a sealed declaration about questionable behavior by the pop star in a child-custody dispute between the singer and ex-husband Kevin Federline — but never got to testify.

“Tony Barretto, 28, arrived with a lawyer but Family Court Commissioner Scott M. Gordon held only a brief open session before clearing the courtroom of everyone but attorneys for Spears and Federline to privately discuss unsealing documents in the ongoing case. Outside court, Barretto’s attorney Gloria Allred issued a statement calling him a “key and secret witness.”

“We are shocked that Ms. Spears’ attorneys chose not to cross-examine our client as to the substance of his declaration,” Allred said. “Our client was prepared to testify on issues of nudity by Ms. Spears, drug use, and safety issues involving the children post-rehab.”

[From the Associated Press]

So all around, not the best situation for Britney. L.A. County’s Department of Children and Family Services, which had closed their investigation into Britney’s parenting, appears to be involved in the case again, though to what extent remains unclear.

In matters professional (and I used that word loosely when describing Britney Spears) Brit’s brand-new manager, Jeff Kwatinetz, fired Spears and got the hell out of dodge.

“Manager Jeff Kwatinetz of the Firm dumped Spears as a client after just one month of repping her. ‘It saddens us to confirm media reports that we have terminated our professional relationship with Britney Spears,’ the management company said. ‘We believe Britney is enormously talented, and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job. We wish Britney the best.’

“Like Wasser, Kwatinetz reportedly had issues with Spears’ decision making. The move comes just a week after Spears’ Video Music Awards flameout. Regardless, Spears’ label, Jive Records, says the behind-the-scenes maneuvers won’t affect her ballyhooed comeback album. ‘The label does not comment on artist/management relations. We’re gearing up for a Nov. 13 album release date,’ the label said.”

[From E! News]

Let’s break down what they were really saying:

“‘It saddens [relieves] us to confirm media reports [fuel the fire] that we have terminated [gotten the hell away] our professional relationship [“working girl”] with Britney Spears [drunken train wreck]. We believe Britney is enormously [vaguely] talented [bullshit], and has made a terrific [shitastic] record. But current circumstances [she tried to eat our cat] have prevented us from properly doing our job [the cat yowled and we realized it sounded better than Britney’s new album]. We wish Britney the best [as long as she stays the hell away from us. And our cat].’”

So I think that pretty much sums up Britney’s current circumstances. She does drugs naked while her kids sit in the bathtub alone drinking bubbles while she eats cats. Really, at this point, would that be all that shocking? Maybe a little, but not at all surprising. Britney, I’m no longer going to tell you to get your act together, because that’s clearly not going to happen. But I have the number of a nice, spa-like asylum that has some restraints with your name on them.

Legal Disclosure: By reading this article that you’ve already read, you agree to acknowledge that Britney Spears doesn’t really eat cats. Most likely. If you lack a sense of humor and/or are one of Britney’s lawyers, you must agree to hold harmless the writer. She will compensate your client with a lifetime supply of Cheetos.

Picture note by JayBird: Header image of Tony Baretto, back when he was working for Britney in May. Images thanks to WENN.