First things first: THIS ^^^^ is the first promotional photo of Mariah Carey for her American Idol judging job. Can you believe this? This is classic Mariah. Photoshopped to a ridiculous level, with an artificial waist, airbrushed skin, and THAT POSE. I do not get the pose. What’s worse is that you know Mariah spends hours practicing her poses, and she decided that this – with her arms awkwardly bent, half askew – was the most flattering, the “thinnest” and the sexiest. This is what it’s going to be like on American Idol. I said it before – Simon Fuller is going to rue the day that he hired her. Yes, there will be controversies and drama and excitement and maybe they’ll even bring back some viewers – but will it be worth it if they have to deal with Mariah’s daily tantrums and diva-ness? Speaking of, Page Six had this funny story:

When Mariah Carey was named the newest, $18 million judge on “American Idol,” staffers at the Fox show began bracing for the dreaded and possibly endless list of diva demands, we’re told. The pop princess is famously demanding on her backstage riders, which have included such necessities as baskets of puppies, furniture with “no busy patterns,” “vases of white roses” and a “tea service for eight.”

She once insisted, “I don’t do stairs,” while other wild reports have said Carey has previously demanded a chauffeur for her dog, “confetti shaped like butterflies” as well as 20 white kittens at a London appearance.

But, a source close to Carey says she won’t require anything out of the ordinary on “Idol,” and adds that the show itself has many of its own branded requirements for stars to use the products of certain sponsors.

“It’s all standard stuff, nothing out of the ordinary,” the source said of Carey’s “Idol” requirements. “It’s not like they’ll need to put a new roof on the building. It’s standard lists, whether it’s for water, soda, veggies, snacks. It’s all fairly normal.”

So no puppies this time. Then again, Carey’s tagline on Twitter declares, “Citizen of the World Dahhhling!”

[From Page Six]

I died at “confetti shaped like butterflies” but I can’t believe she once demanded kittens. KITTENS!!!!!! A lot of people are comparing/contrasting Mariah to her Idol predecesor, Jennifer Lopez, but I actually think Mariah is going to set her personal diva bar at Britney Spears’s contract with The X Factor. Britney is getting a ton of money, and her rider includes things like 34 Herve Leger dresses, Snickers, Doritos and magnolia blossoms (and no hawt dergs). Surely Mariah can match Britney’s rider, if not easily exceed it.

Photos courtesy of American Idol, WENN.

Did you see the segment that Jimmy Kimmel put out after Halloween in which he asked parents to tell their kids that they’d eaten all their Halloween candy, tape it and post the videos on YouTube? You can watch it here if you missed it, and it’s hilarious. Well Jimmy did a repeat performance for us with Christmas presents. He asked parents to tell their kids that they were going to let them open one gift ahead of time and to give them something they’d never want. There were a lot of half-eaten sandwiches, gifts for girls given to boys, and disappointed kids. In most instances the kids got mad or upset, and one little girl was hilariously philosophical about it. I watched this video with my seven year-old son and didn’t realize that he would learn a very naughty phrase until it aired at the end. He repeated it a few times, I told him it was inappropriate, then we watched the video again. I’ll include some of my thoughts below in the format that Kaiser uses for music videos:

:44 – these kids are too young to prank like this

:50 – there’s nothing funnier than a kid eating bad food

1:00 – the battery girl is thrilled, but her sister is thinking “I got an onion, I must hide my disappointment.”

1:20 – did you see that dog eat the hot dog? That was the best part, and these kids are good sports.

1:38 – aw, I feel for that kid. “This is the worst present ever.”

1:44 – this girl is the little star of the video. She’s adorable and her brother cracks me the hell up. She gets a 1/2 eaten sandwich and then tries to explain to her mother why she’s not grateful for it, like she is for dinner. “I appreciate her getting us a present, but I didn’t know it would be like that. It’s a sandwich of mine. I love your cooking when you cook like, dinners. Like hot pockets.”

2:30 – this video is so wrong. Why would you post this video publicly after your kid screamed and cried like this? Why would you even continue taping and torturing him without letting him know it’s a joke? The kid cries to his dad. Santa’s “putting you on the naughty list! Because you gave me a stupid Hello Kitty sweater.”

3:30 – The best part is when the mom excitedly tells her daughter that a regular potato is a Mr. Potato Head. Her son tries to make sense of it. “Santa did not have those things. I saw you out at the car… Those things are not from Santa Claus.”

3:40 – someone turn off the camera for this poor kid already!

4:00 – This mom is so deadpan in her delivery. This is payback from this mom. She knows what’s she’s doing.

4:30 – These kids are old enough to be in on the joke. “Tell [Jimmy Kimmel] to suck my balls.” Oh damn! I just hope my kid doesn’t remember that, but you know he will.

Image below via Daily Picks and Flicks

I love Danny McBride. It’s something that has come over me gradually throughout the past few years, but at this point, I would be perfectly willing to anoint him My Forever And Ever Dong and headliner of Hot Guy Friday, if not for the collective freakout it would inspire. Yeah, I know he’s not technically hot. But whenever you see him – in photos, in movies, wherever – you start giggling, right? So Danny is the star of the new movie Your Highness, which I want to see very, very much despite the fact that it also stars James “I’m a Douche” Franco and Natalie “SmugFace” Portman. That’s a sign of how much I love Danny McBride – I will still see his movie even with the other two a–holes in it. Oh, and Danny isn’t just the star (the lead!) – he wrote it too. Score!

Anyway, Danny has a lengthy new interview in GQ. You can read the full thing here – I had to stop reading it a few times because I was wasting too much time giggling over it. Here are some of the choice highlights:

How Your Highness started: McBride’s explaining Your Highness, as best he can. How it all started as a joke. How he and his old film-school buddy David Gordon Green—who cast McBride in All the Real Girls back in 2002, directed him years later in Pineapple Express, and occupied that chair again on Your Highness—used to play this movie-nerd game years ago, where Green would throw out a title and McBride would start pitching him back “f-ckin’ retarded ideas for movies.” Green would say something like Face of Danger, and they’d come up with “some weird story about Steve Danger, who’s a plastic surgeon and he solves mysteries.” Your Highness was one of those. Green said it; McBride said, “What if I was in the Middle Ages fighting dragons and getting stoned all the time?”

On making flops: “I’ve been in movies that were made to appeal to everyone, and sometimes they appealed to no one,” McBride says, presumably making tactful reference to his role in Will Ferrell’s Land of the Lost, a $100 million Flopasaurus rex. “It’s just more interesting to us to make the f-ckin’ weird, crazy movies that maybe some people go see.”

Your Highness is for an elite audience: “If you don’t like the Minotaur dick, you’re not gonna like our movie, and we’re okay with that.”

The inspriations: “We love Monty Python and the Holy Grail,” McBride says, “and how they approached not having the budget of a big movie. But David’s whole idea [for Your Highness] was that the joke would be that it’s not low-budget. We wanted to make it look as much like Harry Potter or Clash of the Titans as we possibly could, because that would make the joke that much better. Monty Python did the low-budget version, and they killed it. You don’t want to step on territory that other people have done amazingly. It’s like, where’s our place on the dance floor?”

Danny sees himself as a writer: “Honestly, at the end of the day, I f-ckin’ love writing the most, out of all of it,” McBride says. “Whatever goes on, I know I can come back to my f-ckin’ desk and put down some jokes and write something, and that honestly keeps me so content that if I never were to get another acting job again, I wouldn’t be heartbroken.” He’s always written on the side while working another job, he points out—it’s just that now the day job is movie actor rather than, say, night desk manager at the Burbank Holiday Inn. Really? I ask. If everything else fell away, that’s the one thing you’d choose to keep? “Totally,” McBride says. “Get rid of all the f-ckin’ flu­. Keep it street. Just me and my word processor.”

[From GQ]

I love him. Keep it street! Seriously, if he wasn’t already married, I would marry him right now, at this very moment. I sat here and couldn’t stop laughing for a full five minutes as I wrote this up. Anyone who can make me laugh that hard gets a ticket to my panties.

Header photo courtesy of GQ. Additional pics by WENN.

Hahhaha. Scott Disick, douche extraordinaire covers the new issue of Men’s Fitness. I’ve always been ambivalent about that magazine, just because they usually get really great cover guys, but then they don’t do a thorough interview, only asking celebrity men about their workouts and junk. Anyway, step aside Gerard Butler, Scott Disick is a cover boy now. And look what the Photoshoppers did to his face! It’s like they were trying to make his face less creepy and serial killer-esque, and instead he got morphed into some kind of eyeless demon. The Fab Life is saying that Scott is sucking in his gut too. Excellent.

But what does Kourtney think of one of the leading contenders for Mason-Dixon’s daddy (coughPremoStallonecough)? Kourt thinks Scott looks like Patrick Bateman James Dean! Ugh, I hate how Kourtney sets the bar so low for herself.

Here’s the clip from their show where Scott is shooting his cover. One day, this man is going to throw a truck full of Kardashians into the wood chipper.

Photos courtesy of Kourtney’s blog.

Ricky Gervais was obnoxious during his hosting stint for the Golden Globes, but that’s what we’ve come to expect from him. People asked if he went too far when he hosted the Globes last year, (last year was the first time the Globes had had a host in 15 years) and this time he took it up a notch. I found him funny as hell, but I gossip for a living and love it when someone takes the piss out of celebrities. The best part of his opening monologue was when Ricky mimicked Crystal Harris jerking off Hugh Hefner. That was so over the top that I was crying laughing. He didn’t just do a quick demonstration, and went on with it for a while. There’s of course controversy over his intro, particularly a gay Scientologist joke he made, but that’s probably why they hired him. The Globes are getting more buzz than usual and he definitely made people laugh. Here’s what Popeater says about it:

Gervais started out by ripping into Charlie Sheen, admittedly an easy target, so easy that those jokes about Sheen being drunk by breakfast were given a pass. Who among us hasn’t laid into Sheen these past few months? It was an ample way to start.

But then Ricky went after a weaker target, ‘The Tourist.’ Sure it was a critical and commercial bomb, but Johnny and Angie aren’t exactly the kind of stars who laugh along with the joke. “I haven’t even seen ‘The Tourist,’” Gervais said. “Who has?”…

Gervais then mentioned that the special effects team from ‘Sex and the City 2′ should have been nominated for making the cast look younger on the movie poster.

“Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you on an episode of ‘Bonanza’!” Apparently, Ricky’s mom never told him the two taboos in comedy are still a woman’s age and her weight.

His most shocking joke of the night came when he mentioned that Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor were heterosexual actors who played gay characters in the film ‘I Love You Philip Morris.’

“So the complete opposite of some Scientologists, then,” Gervais said. He admitted his lawyers had vetted that joke. Even that didn’t settle the groans echoing throughout the ballroom.

Later in the show, Gervais introduced Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad. Come on, that one is just dated.

Introducing presenter Robert Downey Jr., Gervais went through a list of the actor’s films and added, “But many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail.”

Downey Jr., felt compelled to dig back at Ricky on behalf of his fellow celebrities.

“Aside from the fact that it’s been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I’d say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn’t you?” Downey Jr. sniped back.

[From Popeater]

Popeater’s Jo Piazza concludes that Gervais “didn’t play to the room” and “went after soft targets with some hard jokes.” The crowd was really responding to him, so I don’t agree with that conclusion. I love it that he didn’t kiss ass, and the fact that he was willing to go after so many people made the show much more interesting. We’ll get more than enough brown nosing during the rest of Awards season, and like Gervais mocking Crystal Harris, we’ll look at our watches and wonder when it will end.

Here’s the Hulu version of Ricky’s opening monologue. (Only works if you’re in the US)

And here’s a YouTube version for people outside the US [via Huffpo]

It’s safe to say that Chris Klein’s career is over. The brief foray into being some kind of solid character actor who made the transition from teen films to adult roles has ended. No one wants him after his second DUI arrest, and his subsequent two-month-long rehab stay. No one even cared that he was sentenced to four days in jail for his DUI, four years of probation, and take alcohol classes for 18 months. His lawyer even tried to make Chris sound like a hero, telling a media outlet, “Chris took immediate responsibility for what he did and has used this experience in such a positive way to get help and confront an addiction to alcohol. He deserves enormous credit for stepping up and getting it done.” Enormous credit? He could have killed someone.

Surprisingly enough, the drinking and the legal issues aren’t really the reason why Chris will likely never work again – it’s his crappy acting, and the fact that he’s basically a joke in Hollywood. Maybe his career was over as soon as his horrible, coked-up, crazed audition tape for Mamma Mia was leaked. So maybe this new video is kicking a dude when he’s down. Perhaps. But it’s still kind of funny. Someone compiled all of Chris’s dialogue from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, and it is epic in its bad acting and hilarity:

Everything Chris Klein Says in “The Legend of Chun Li” from Jeff Rubin on Vimeo.

I’ll admit it: I laughed. So, yeah. He’s over. This is probably the last post about him ever, unless he kills someone. God I hope this is the last post.

Credit goes to the Huffington Post for compiling this series of funny ass videos from local news segments. I’ve seen about half of these before, most notably the leprechaun segment via D-Listed, but they’re well worth rewatching.

Leprechaun in Mobile, AL. The best part is the sketch at :45. “It could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff.”

UFO guy at O’Hare airport. “There’s no proof [of UFOs] just like there’s no proof of Jesus or people going to the restroom until they tell you about it. You know what I mean?”

16 year-old Australian Corey Worthington on the massive party he held when he parents were on vacation. “Every time [my parents] call I don’t answer, ’cause they’ll probably try to kill me… I’ll say sorry but I’m not taking off my glasses because they’re famous.”

Coffee shop robbery victim in Kansas City, MO describes her ordeal. (This was also recently on D-Listed)

Here’s a new remix of the Backin’ Up lady, courtesy of Auto-Tune The News, which did the Antoine Dodson Bed Intruder song. It’s not quite as catchy as Antoine’s and sounds more like a jingle. [via Internet Today]

Surfer kid describes how great the waves are after a flood in Huntington Beach, CA. “Dude, you get the best barrels ever, dude.”

Now that I’ve discovered Internet Today, I have to post this composite photo of Internet memes they recently featured. [Credit to reddit users and via Internet Today, which has an explanation of most of the memes included]

And I’ll end with this kind of mesmerizing video of a kid lipsyncing to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream.” He’s not on the news but I just saw this today and couldn’t stop watching. His name is Keenan Cahill and you can follow him on Twitter.

There were several hilarious bits from last night’s Emmys. One was the opening, which apparently came from the brain of Jimmy Fallon. Sidenote: He did a better job hosting than I expected. I hope he gets asked back, because he did a decent job and he deserves a lot of credit for that. Anyway, Jimmy organized this hilarious opening starring some of Glee kids, Tina Fey, Betty White and my lovely Jon Hamm. This video is worth it just to see The Hamm shake his ass, honestly. But the whole thing is rather hilarious, especially the Kate Gosselin thing.

Also – I was in fits of laughter for the Modern Family thing – where they inserted George Clooney in an attempt to revamp the show. Clooney still has a great sense of humor to participate in this:

Okay, one more: Ricky Gervais is always awesome. His Mel Gibson joke is AWESOME. And we are all Bucky Gunts.

This made me laugh so hard that I have to repeat it. Warner Brothers, the studio that puts out the popular Harry Potter franchise, is suing a Swiss condom maker for a brand of protection named… wait for it (although it’s already in the title so I don’t know why I’m bothering) Harry Popper. The little condom on the package wears Harry Potter’s trademark round glasses along with brandishing a wand and a devilish look.

You’d think it would be a major mojo boost for Daniel Radcliffe to get a condom company named after his Harry Potter character, but sadly Warner Bros. disagrees.

The Swiss condom brand “Harry Popper” is reportedly being sued for copyright infringement by the studio.

Gawker.com details the hubbub with a broken-English quote from the Swiss newspaper Bote: “For Warner Bros. is obvious: The sorcerer Harry Potter have a ‘very positive image.’ Condoms have no business there. Especially not now. According to Warner Bros. in November to plan the launch of the new Potter movie. Also a new video game is in preparation. The lawyer for Warner Bros. bluntly: ‘The image of my client is in danger.’ ”

There is no denying the correlation between the latex protectors and the ever-so-popular wizard movie. If the name didn’t do it for you, the illustration of a condom swinging a wand and wearing round-frame glasses will.

But more importantly, is it smart to market condoms with “popper” in the name, anyway?

[From E! Online]

I’m also reminded of an inappropriate but hilarious caption that our friends at The Blemish gave to a promotional image of Emma Watson in the upcoming Dealthy Hallows movie. (Part one of the two final Harry Potter films coming our way.)

The kids are all grown up now and Daniel Radcliffe has even shown the full monty on stage. He surely finds things like “Harry Popper” condoms and erotic fan fiction amusing, but Warner Brothers has a teen-oriented franchise to protect and they’re going to go after infringers. I can’t blame them, although it will make these “Harry Popper” condoms a collector’s item. I know I’d like to get my hands on some.

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is out in November, with the final installment out in the summer of 2011. I’ve read all the books but am not eagerly anticipating the movies. The series lost its luster for me with the last film, Half Blood Prince, which I wasn’t able to sit through in the theater. I still haven’t seen the whole movie. You can yell at me now.

Harry Popper image thanks to Gawker. Other images are promotional stills via AllMoviePhoto and The Blemish

This is too delicious! First of all, what genius thought that Kim Kardashian needed a wax figure? Secondly, if you’re going to do a wax figure of Kim Kardashian, by all means, make it cross-eyed! Make it look like a cross-eyed Eva Longoria (paraphrasing CB, props). What’s worse is that I think Kim knows that her wax figure sucks. The look on her face is all “Oh my God, am I really that cross-eyed?” And she was so proud of it before! She was even tweeting about this nonsense!

It looks like we’ll be seeing twice as much of Kim Kardashian‘s famous curves starting today! After teasing fans for the last week with mysterious Tweets and images of her booty getting measured, Kim’s wax figure has finally been unveiled.

Kardashian, 29, who was in NYC for the big reveal at Madame Tussauds today, took to Twitter earlier in the morning to announce the news.

“Getting ready to see my wax figure! I’m so nervous!” she said. “Will it be weird? Will it look identical to me?”

Judging by the look-alike figure, clad in a sexy hot pink bandage dress and showcasing the photo-friendly star’s famous assets, the answer, it seems, is a definite yes. Kim’s mom Kris Jenner, seemingly pleased with the results, jumped in on the excitement, Tweeting a few hours later: “Good morning NYC! Kims big unveiling for her wax figure at Madame Tussauds Wax museum! Woohoo this is amazing.”

Kardashian follows in the wax-worthy footsteps of Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, just to name a few.

[From People]

Everyone is trying to be nice. I bet Khloe will be the one to laugh and tell Kim that her wax image is cross-eyed. Khloe will probably mention that everyone is laughing at her too.

By the way, at first glance, I couldn’t tell who was waxier and more plastic. At least the wax figure has an excuse!

Kim and her cross-eyed wax figure on July 1, 2010. Credit: WENN.