An 11-year-old girl “gets” George Clooney more than any of his girlfriends ever have. George Clooney’s shenanigans are obvious to small children. George Clooney is not trying to convince anyone that he likes children, ever. So, Clooney is still in Oscar-campaign mode, this time for The Descendants. Clooney plays a father of two daughters, one a teenager played by 19-year-old Shailene Woodley, and a younger girl played by 11-year-old Amara Miller. Shailene has been doing some red carpets and promotional work for the film, but this is one of the few times I’ve seen quotes from Amara – and now I know why. The kid is super-blunt, hilarious, and she pulls no punches. She sounds like a pistol, doesn’t she? Yeah, she took one look at Clooney and saw him for what he was: a man who has no interest in being a father. Why can’t adult ladies see this in him?

Any woman who wants George Clooney for her baby daddy might want to reconsider. According to Amara Miller, who plays the actor’s daughter in The Descendants, Clooney, 50, would not make a very good dad.

“Let me just say, he wouldn’t be good as a father,” Miller told Us Weekly at the movie’s premiere Tuesday in Beverly Hills, Calif. “He wouldn’t be the best as a father.”

Why not? “George likes being an adult,” she explained. “George has fun being an adult, and I don’t think he would like having kids. I know that he’s not planning on having kids anytime soon.”

But Miller did say Clooney was “really amazing… so fun and [always] playing and fooling around and joking.”

“He was just a really phenomenal person to work with,” she said. “[But] we don’t really keep in touch anymore. He’s George Clooney… No one really keeps in touch with him anymore!”

Another person who might agree that Clooney wouldn’t make the best dad? Ex-girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis, who told Italian broadcaster Bruno Vespa in his book This Love that the duo had “a father-daughter relationship.”

“We both decided it was time to split up,” she said. “George and I never spoke about marriage or children. I’m not saying that I don’t want them but neither he or I ever imagined having children together.”

[From Us Weekly]

Clooney is like every child’s wayward, playboy uncle who lets you sip his beer if you fetch him two aspirins for his hangover. He’s your dad’s best friend who always has a new, younger girlfriend, whho he flaunts around the barbeque, encouraging the men to leer at his young date and her new boobs (which he paid for). He’s your little-seen godfather who doesn’t pay any attention to you as you’re growing up, but suddenly takes an uncomfortable interest in you when you turn 18. Clooney is totally that guy.

But seriously, how funny is that an 11-year-old girl just called out Hollywood’s “most eligible” bachelor?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

CB and I just spent way too long trying to figure out if George Clooney bought Stacy Keibler some new boobs. My immediate reaction when I saw these photos of Clooney and Keibler on the red carpet for the premiere of The Descendants was that Stacy definitely got some new implants, but now that I’ve looked through all of the photos… maybe not. CB thinks Stacy is just wearing some kind of special boob-lift-tape thing. In a few of the pics, it looks like Stacy’s boob has a “dent” but CB thinks it’s just the shiny tape. I don’t know. Maybe they’re the same size as before. Clooney usually buys his girls new boobs as a parting gift, not as part of his Oscar campaign.

So, what do you think of Stacy’s look for the premiere? The dress is Naeem Khan, the styling is “classy” and “old Hollywood”. I do like the dress, but I kind of wonder how it would look on someone with a frame that wasn’t so… broad. This hair suits her, and it’s kind of like Stacy is being styled specifically as Clooney’s very special Oscar Barbie. “See, I can be classy! I promise! I’ll be your date!”

Meanwhile, Page Six has a somewhat interesting story about how Stacy Keibler and Elisabetta Canalis were at the same event two nights ago in Hollywood – it was a party for a new beauty book, The Beauty Book for Brain Cancer. According to Page Six’s spy, “Keibler sat at a table with Hilary Duff and Josh Duhamel at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood Monday, while… Canalis sat ‘just behind her’ with a new beau, “True Blood” star Mehcad Brooks.” When Brooks was singled out by the authors, most people looked over and Brooks and Canalis, but “Keibler avoided turning.” Bitch, that’s going to be you in five months, still trying to “happen” even after Clooney dumps you.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Back in 2004-05, George Clooney put on a lot of weight for a supporting role in Syriana. In the film (which I still have never seen), Clooney’s character is apparently being tortured, and as the scene progressed, Clooney did serious damage to his back. It was a serious enough injury that Clooney’s has had several surgeries to try to repair the damage, and I believe he still lives in pain. He even had to withdraw from The Man From U.N.C.L.E. because the stunt work would be too much for him. As I continue to see photos of Clooney’s press tour for The Ides of March and The Descendants, I’ve quietly begun to wonder if Clooney’s back isn’t still in bad shape. On many red carpets, Clooney’s shoulders have been slumped, and when he thinks the camera isn’t on him, he’s often mid-grimace. In Clooney’s recent Rolling Stone interview, he talks in detail about what it was like living in physical pain, and how he contemplated suicide:

George Clooney won his Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Syriana (2005), but you have to wonder if he winces every time he glances at his shiny trophy. Playing a bearded CIA operative caught up in the shifting sands of Middle East geopolitics, Clooney injured his spine during a scene in which his character is taped to a chair and tortured. Several surgeries were required to fix the problem, but Clooney still complains of rattling headaches. Back in 2005, he told Fresh Air’s Terry Gross that the pain became so persistent and aggravating at one point that he actually contemplated suicide. In the most recent issue of Rolling Stone, Clooney goes in to greater detail:

“I was at a point where I thought, ‘I can’t exist like this. I can’t actually live.’ I was lying in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm, unable to move, having these headaches where it feels like you’re having a stroke, and for a short three-week period, I started to think, ‘I may have to do something drastic about this.’ You start to think in terms of, you don’t want to leave a mess, so go in the garage, go in the car, start the engine. It seems like the nicest way to do it, but I never thought I’d get there. See, I was in a place where I was trying to figure out how to survive.”

[From Entertainment Weekly]

Poor guy. Now I feel bad for joking about how old he is. I mean, he is too old for these young chicas, and now we know that he probably doesn’t do much with them besides look. He just wants someone pretty on his arm, and for them not to jostle him! Poor George. I hate pain. I fear pain. I can totally understand having a moment of “I can’t live in this kind of constant pain, so maybe I should just end it.” I’m not saying it’s right or recommending it or ANYTHING, I’m just saying that I understand, and good for Clooney for finding a way to live with it.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

George Clooney covers the new issue of Rolling Stone, likely to promote his latest film, The Descendants. I’m personally not all over seeing that, just because I think Alexander Payne is an overrated director whose films often make a better trailer than a good movie. I hated About Schmidt, did I ever mention that? I loathed that film. Anyway, Clooney is in his Oscar Campaign Mode, kissing his own ass in between feigning humility and talking about his humanitarian interests. Don’t get me wrong – I like Clooney’s passion for Hollywood, and his passion for his humanitarian work. But he’s sometimes off-putting instead of cool these days. Plus, I really think his back is killing him, because he’s always hunched over like a gnome these days, and that’s affected how I think of him now: like an old dude who has abused his body and who should stop messing around with these trashy young girls. Here are some highlights from the cover story:

Losing his virginity: Clooney reveals that that while he lost his virginity at the age of 16 (“young, very young, too young”), he had his first orgasm when he was much younger. “I believe it was while climbing a rope when I was six or seven years old,” he says. “I mean, nothing came out, but all the other elements were there. I remember getting to the top of the rope, hanging off the rope, and going, “Oh, my God, this feels great!”

Immature humor: Despite his debonair appearance, Clooney’s sense of humor can get a bit sophomoric. For example, the word “Johnson” always makes him laugh. “Always. ‘He showed her his Johnson and she left.’ You can actually say that in mixed company or on late-night TV.” He’s also pretty fond of farts, especially when hanging out with his pals. “We think it’s one of the funniest things in the history of mankind. Even the idea of a fart makes me laugh. Saying the word ‘fart’ makes me laugh. I have iFart on my phone. I have remote whoopee cushions. Farts. To me, there’s nothing funnier.”

On Stacy Keibler: He’s perfectly fine with his current lady, former pro wrestler Stacy Keibler, tweeting about “smiling all day long.” “She can do whatever she wants,” he says. “I rarely tell anybody what they should be doing with their life.”

He worships his dad: He may be one of the biggest celebrities in the world now, but Clooney grew up in the shadow of his father, a local TV newsman in Ohio and Kentucky. “You have to remember that in the microcosm of Cincinnati, Ohio through northern Kentucky, my father was a big, big star. So that made my sister and me really visible. Everybody knew us, talked about us. If I scored 15 points in a basketball game, the paper would say ‘Nick Clooney’s son scored 15 points.’”

His early diagnosis with Bell’s Palsy: The fame was especially difficult for Clooney as he was struggling with the onset of Bell’s palsy, a form of facial paralysis. “It was very awkward, being watched like that, everybody looking at us, and then all of a sudden your face goes flat? My dad would always say, ‘It’s going to go away, you’ll be fine, you can handle it.” But it was a tricky thing. So, you develop a better personality and learn how to make jokes about it.”

His humanitarian work: “My name is George and the world is in trouble. I can name you 40 hot spots in the world right now, and not just physically violent hot spots, but financially violent hot spots as well.”

He’s not Frank Sinatra: “I think one of the major misconceptions about me is that I live my life the way people think I lead my life, with hot and cold drinks running everywhere and a party all the time. They think of my life in terms of certain excesses that don’t really exist. Things are actually fairly simple,” Clooney says.

He’s not metrosexual: “I’m the least metrosexual cat you’ve ever met. I’ve never had my fingernails or toenails done, and I’ve cut my own hair longer than other people have cut my hair,” Clooney says. “On an awards-show day, I can play basketball, go in, take a shower and put on a tux – it takes me three minutes to put on a tux – and be out the door in 15 minutes.”

The Ides of March was cheap: Clooney directed and starred in ensemble political drama The Ides of March earlier this year. “It’s not designed for everybody to see, but I don’t give a shit,” he says. “I don’t need to be more famous and we shot it for $12 million, so anything we do is nice.”

The Descendants is a brilliant film, he says: Clooney’s most recent movie is a darkly amusing family drama called The Descendants, of which he says, “If it’s not nominated for Best Picture, I’ll be shocked. It’s that good.”

[From Rolling Stone]

Did I mention that I saw The Ides of March? I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s not actively bad, it’s just a waste of money and it has, like, a kindergarten-level understanding of politics. OK, that’s not fair. Middle-school level. If you want to see a good movie about modern presidential campaigning, watch the last two seasons of The West Wing and don’t mess around with this Ides of March nonsense.

As for his comments on Keibler – BITCH PUH-LEASE. He’s not stopping her tweeting? After he shut down Elisabetta Canalis’s Twitter after she re-tweeted something about Jennifer Aniston looking like Iggy Pop? Just wait for it.

Photos courtesy of Rolling Stone & WENN.

This story has so many double entendres and “WTF?” moments, I can’t even start. The Enquirer got one of their many “tips” about George Clooney and his lady of the moment, his beck-and-call girl, Stacy Keibler. The Enquirer always has dirt on Cloons and his girls, so this is just continuing in the grand tradition. But this report is unlike anything I’ve ever read, just for the sheer “ick” factor. Clooney gave Stacy crabs. Literally, like, a bag of crabs, not the STD. Stacy prefers crabs to jewelry and anything fancy, because she’s not a “girly-girl” – she’s not afraid to “get her hands dirty”. Filthy, right?

WHO said romance is dead? Not GEORGE CLOONEY who did the unthinkable!

George Clooney wowed his new girlfriend Stacy Keibler while the two were vacationing in Mexico by giving her a case of crabs – that is, a crate of fresh Maryland crabs shipped all the way from her hometown of Baltimore.

The 50-year-old Oscar winner had the shellfish air-shipped for a very special candlelit dinner for two during their early October getaway to ro­mantic Cabo San Lucas.

And pals say George’s gesture put the 32-year-old stunner in the mood for love.

“Stacy was over the moon with George’s surprise – she absolutely loves steamed crabs!” a source told The ENQUIRER.

“She’s from Maryland, her family still lives there, and she loves nothing more than a crabfest. As a matter of fact, Stacy prefers crabs as a gift over roses or expensive jewelry. She was amazed that George had made such a big effort to impress her.”

The source continued, “What George loves most about Stacy is that while she’s gorgeous, she’s not a girly girl. Stacy’s not afraid to get her hands dirty – and she really showed George hot to eat crabs like a Maryland native. She got George to don a plastic lobster bib and had him ripping apart the crabs with his bare hands. He loves that Stacy gets such a big kick out of little things. And she’s quickly becoming a major part of his life.”

[From The Enquirer, print & online editions]

I’m sure George loves that Stacy isn’t a girly-girl. I would even venture a guess that she might even be TOO feminine for her standard tastes, and that he usually likes girls a bit more drag-queeny. Still, Stacy is tall, broad and muscular, and she likes to get in there and “get her hands dirty” and root around and… that’s why Clooney likes her so much. That, and she makes him wear a bib. I bet Clooney loved that, feeling so constrained around his neck. “TIGHTER. THE BIB SHOULD BE TIGHTER. OOOOO…I’m done.”

As for the crabs… I’m not a crab person. But I love it when someone buys me chicken. Seriously, I’ll be your friend forever if you buy me a bucket of chicken. I’ll even barter sexually for chicken. Seriously.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are some new photos of Elisabetta Canalis at the GQ Germany “Man of the Year” awards, where she was the escort of Roberto Cavalli. She’s wearing Cavalli too. She looks pretty good, but it’s all kind of meh. She always looks kind of drag queeny to me. Plus, she just looks overly-thrilled to be on a red carpet, getting her photo taken.

Anyway, I think Eli has played her post-breakup, post-Clooney career rather poorly. I understand that she wants to be famous in America, but the way to do that is not through Dancing With the Stars and the odd monthly confessional interview. If I was running Eli’s PR since the beginning, I would have encouraged her to do a big tell-all interview shortly after her split with George Clooney, and I would have encouraged her to give it to the highest profile American publication she could find. Perhaps Vanity Fair wouldn’t have taken her, but she could have gotten a profile in Allure or Marie Claire, and definitely Us Weekly. Instead, Eli seems content to give increasingly strange and damaged-seeming interviews to Italian publications, and her “revelations” about her relationship with Clooney seem increasingly clingy and sad. Here’s the latest:

Bacio and tell?

Elisabetta Canalis, the Italian TV personality who dated George Clooney for two years until their split last June, offers some surprising details about their relationship in Questo Amore (This Love), a new book by Italian journalist Bruno Vespa.

Praising the Oscar winner, 50, as “the person who valued my feminine side the most” and “also one of the best people I have met from a charitable point of view,” Canalis, 33, went on to say, “he has been a special for me, and very important, just as a father would be.”

Asked by Vespa to elaborate, she said, “between us there was more of a father-daughter relationship. I was unable to clarify this up ’til now.”

As for their breakup, Canalis – who competed on Dancing with the Stars earlier this season, denies reports that Clooney’s long-held aversion to marriage was an issue.

“George and I never spoke of marriage nor of having kids,” she says. “I don’t put limits to the possibility of having them, but neither George nor I had ever envisaged having kids together. The end of the relationship was not caused by a marriage issue, but instead by our personal needs.”

Although Clooney has since moved on with another Dancing alum, Stacy Keibler, Canalis has only kind words for him.

“George is a real gentleman even in his private life,” she says. “I was very much respected both as a woman and partner.”

[From People]

Skipping over the “father” stuff briefly, the part that caught my eye initially was that Clooney was “the person who valued my feminine side the most”??? I hope that’s a weird translation, because it makes Elisabetta sound like a total drag queen. Now, going back to the father stuff – that’s the most convoluted way of calling her ex an old fart. Which Clooney is, granted. He is an old fart, and his girls always stay the same age, and yes, at some point it does become more of a father-daughter type relationship. Some people think that’s sick or gross, but… whatever. I understand it.

Still, I don’t believe Eli when she claims that marriage and kids never came up. She wanted to get married. She said so in that now infamous interview, right before Clooney dumped her.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Does anyone else feel like Stacy Keibler’s tenure as George Clooney’s girlfriend has been somewhat disappointing thus far? Sure, I’ve enjoyed her general craziness, and I also liked the Tit Tape Debacle, but basically Stacy doesn’t have much of a personality. She has no “hook”. Sarah Larson’s dirty little secrets involved whatever she was really doing for a career in Vegas, and Elisabetta’s whitewash involved… well, EVERYTHING (coke, hookers and Silvio Berlusconi). Stacy is nowhere near that interesting. We already know she’s profiting from her association with George. We already know she’s his beck-and-call girl. Why do we need to have it all gussied up into some kind of romance?

George Clooney couldn’t take his eyes off Stacy Keibler at the October 20 premiere of The Descendants in London. According to an insider, Stacy, 32, has captured the serial dater’s affection by showering him with love – Italian style!

“Stacy hired a private chef from Tuscany to teach her how to make some of George’s favorite meals,” an insider tells In Touch. Stacy also impressed 50-year-old George, who owns a villa in Lake Como, Italy, by learning some Italian from a private tutor.

So if George is so smitten with all things from Italy, why didn’t he just stay with his last girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis?

According to a source, high-mainenance Elisabetta expected George to cater to her whims, whereas Stacy is the opposite: “Stacy just wants to make George happy and expects nothing in return. It’s a welcome change of pace for him.”

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition]

“Stacy just wants to make George happy and expects nothing in return.” Stacy just wants to keep the ball rolling. Stacy just wants to be the most perfect geisha ever. Stacy wants everybody to know that George is in charge, always. Sigh… I miss feminism. Wouldn’t it be nice, just once, to hear a realistic story about one of Clooney’s relationships? “She liked George okay, and the sex was decent. She really enjoyed when he gave her a credit card to buy whatever she wanted. She didn’t have anything else going on, so she pretty much just waited for him to call.”

E! News also had some dish about the Keibler-Canalis comparisons. A source close to Clooney says, “Stacy is not Elisabetta. And that has a lot to do with why she’s around and Elisabetta isn’t. [Elisabetta] was very ambitious… [she] decided to be famous in Hollywood, no matter what.” And although Clooney thinks his relationship with Stacy is “easy” (no joke), the source also said that Elisabetta “is the most determined of all the women George has ever dated.” Meaning Eli could end up back with George, I guess. The source then ended with this: “I’ve always thought Renée [Zellweger] would come back around.” Puh-lease.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Last night was a pretty great night for premieres and galas and events, so today is going to be full of photo-heavy posts. First up: the Hollywood Film Awards (presented by Starz). The HFA got a surprisingly good turnout considering it’s not really a big awards show. The “stars” of the evening were definitely George Clooney and his girlfriend Stacy Keibler. As we know from yesterday’s post, Keibler is now charging up to $25,000 a night for these “personal appearances”.

Stacy is wearing this purple Maria Lucia Hohan (the same designer of the dress Stacy wore in London). It’s awful, isn’t it? Stacy had been steadily improving, but I fear we are witnessing a D-list relapse! It looks like a really bad pageant dress, only I don’t even think that pageant girls wear these kinds of boob-embellishment gowns anymore. Plus, the bottom half is sheer, and that dress feature is… rather tacky. In this instance. Um, are those built-in black bicycle shorts underneath the sheer skirt? WTF? Why do Clooney’s girls always look like strippers that got off of an eight-hour shift? And why does Clooney keep pointing to Stacy’s poor vagina?

To get that image out of your head, here are some photos of the always-lovely Ewan McGregor, who was also at the HFA last night. I’m not in love with his hair right now, but I still love him so much. Ewan and Clooney are tight, you know. I wonder what Ewan thinks of Clooney’s girls?

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Stacy Keibler is already profiting from her union with George Clooney. And no, I’m not talking about tips! Now that Stacy’s position as “George Clooney’s girlfriend” has been solidified – she’s walking red carpets on his arm, and she didn’t even get sent home after the Tit Tape Debacle – Stacy is now taking steps for her own financial security. The subject of “Clooney’s girls” and “money” is always a little bit sketchy, so it’s kind of funny that Page Six is going with such an obvious story. Apparently, now that Stacy can put “George Clooney’s girlfriend” on her resume, she’s significantly upped her “personal appearance fee”. She used to charge $10,000, now she charges $25,000. I wonder if George gets a special rate?

Here’s the bottom line — Stacy Keibler is now not getting out of bed (with George Clooney) for less than $25,000.

Sources told us the asking price for the model and former World Wrestling Entertainment personality to attend events has more than doubled now that she’s the A-list star’s companion.

While Keibler used to command around $10,000 for personal appearances at events and parties, planners are saying that she’s no longer going for less than $25,000 — a more expensive echo of Linda Evangelista’s infamous supermodel quote, “We don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.”

[From Page Six]

While it made sound like quite a mark-up, keep in mind that many celebrities get “personal appearance fees” in the six figures. A singer or performer might even change seven figures. I think Kim Kardashian charges about $50,000-100,000 per appearance, depending on what it is (a club opening, a private party, etc). While someone like Lindsay Lohan gets paid in balled-up $5 bills, coke and booze.

I’m not making fun of Stacy for getting paid and for upping her price now that she’s Clooney’s girlfriend – a girl’s gotta make money, and it’s good that Stacy is planning for her financial future so she doesn’t end up Sarah Larson’d. I’m making fun of George Clooney for dating a chick that is basically an even more budget version of Kim Kardashian (as far as “careers” go).

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

Stacy Keibler didn’t get sent home! It’s so exciting! Stacy got to walk on George Clooney’s arm last night for the UK premiere of The Descendants. The previous night, she was banished from the red carpet for The Ides of March, and her absence was felt so much that I theorized that The Tit Tape Trauma of 2011 had wrecked the “relationship”. But here she is! Would you like to know something funny? I looked through all of the photos of the premiere at different photo agencies, and there are SO MANY photos of Stacy checking out her own rack. This poor girl just keeps checking that she’s not exposing her tit tape again. Now I feel sorry for her! I wonder if George yelled at her? He shouldn’t have – her tit tape was the highlight of the Paris premiere, it really was.

Stacy’s dress is Maria Lucia Hohan, a designer I’m not familiar with. Apparently, Hohan (shades of Linnocent, right?) makes a lot of these very pale, cream and nude gowns that look wispy and angelic. As I’ve said before, I’m enjoying Stacy’s “lighter” makeup and fashion styles after Elisabetta Canalis’s harder, bolder, drag-queen-y styles. That being said, I think this nude color kind of washes Stacy out. The fit is better in the bust (as opposed to that train wreck Marchesa), but there’s something wonky going on at the waist. I’m not sure the dress should have that weird fabric bunch at the waistline. So Stacy still needs a stylist who prioritizes good tailoring. Overall, it’s a solid look, though. My biggest issue is with her hair. The hair feels wrong.

And then there’s Clooney… well, he doesn’t look so pissy in these photos. He and Stacy actually look lovey-dovey in some of them. Much better. There’s hope for her yet!

UPDATE: My new favorite photo of Cloons & Keib:

Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.