Last night was the music industry’s biggest night and we were treated to a lot of excellent performances. I wish that the Oscars would follow the Grammys lead and try to make it entertaining for the masses. Three and a half hours is too long though and I started to get really tired toward the end. (I was watching in the morning too.) They should cut about half of it or try to spread it over a couple of nights.

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* Christina Aguilera tried to dominate the tribute to Aretha Franklin with her Clockwork Orange eyelashes and over the top runs. The other divas knew less was more and Yolanda Adams and Jennifer Hudson were the real standouts. Florence Welch, Yolanda Adams and Martina McBride also belted out Aretha’s hits. I just wish she was there to watch it live. Aretha looked great in the clip they showed.

* Presenter Ricky’s Martin’s silver pants. That is all.

* Lady Gaga’s performed “Born This Way,” during which she came out of that lit-up pod as some kind of metaphor for being reborn. As far as her stunts go this one was pretty minor. I expected some sort of protoplasm or goo to be involved. Maybe that’s what the nude-colored latex stood for. I loved her pointy shoulders. I kept hearing “Express Yourself” in my head though, she even added a “Come On!” in the middle. That song is a major fail.

* Miranda Lambert performed “The House That Built Me.” That song evokes so many memories and I remember the first time I heard it on the radio. Her performance wasn’t that great though. She just kind of stood there.

* Presenter Lenny Kravitz was draped in black animal skins and chains like a post apocalyptic caveman.

* Muse (aka Kate Hudson’s boyfriend’s band) performed “Uprising.” They’re pretty damn good and the visual display that made it look like stuff was falling and breaking behind them while people fought on stage was awesome.

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* Bruno Mars, B.O.B. and Janelle Monae did a softer medley of “Nothing on You,” followed by Mars doing an incredible retro version “Grenade.” Janelle Monae then belted out a rousing “Cold War.” There was a lot of talent on stage for that one.

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* Justin Bieber and Usher reminisced about how they first met in 2007 and then Usher did an acoustic version of “Baby Baby” followed by a high production “Never Say Never” in which he strutted around on some scaffolding while surrounded by ninjas. Then Jaden Smith popped out of the ground to rap in his cheetah print leggings. The kid can dance. My favorite part was when they showed Will and Jada in the audience and they looked so proud.

Usher and his dancers in royal blue then did OMG, with Justin coming on stage to kneel underneath him at the finale. It was like Usher was taking his throne as king of the teenyboppers.

* Presenter Pauley Perrette from NCIS was wearing a ridiculous lime green dress with some black notes on it, and the chick from Paramore, Hayley Williams, had on a sequin black dress with a see-through panel in the middle and a fuschia ring of feathers at the mid-thigh hem. Coupled with her candy red hair it was too much.

*Muse’s Matt Bellamy gave a shout out to his “beautiful pregnant girlfriend over there” when his band won best rock album. The camera should have panned to Kate Hudson, but it didn’t.

* Lady Gaga won best pop album for Fame Monster. She had on a black sculptured body suit with exaggerated rib bones, ass and breasts. The audio cut out at the beginning so she must have sworn. Her speech was so over the top. “I had this dream when I was really young that I could be whatever I wanted to be.” She thanked Whitney Houston, saying “when I wrote Born this Way I imagined Whitney singing it, because I wasn’t secure enough in myself to imagine I was a superstar.” GMAFB. Shouldn’t she thank Madonna for writing the song?

* Mumford & Sons performed “The Cave” along with brass accompaniment. They didn’t have a backdrop or anything and they didn’t need it. The song was so good and they were so fired up.

* The Avett Brothers performed “Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise.” and then Bob Dylan came on stage with both bands to sing “Maggie’s Farm.” Everyone looked thrilled to jam with Dylan, and the result was all kinds of awesome.

* Lady Antebellum sang if “You Don’t Know Me By Now” and “American Honey.” They closed it out with their hit “Need you Now.” They then won Best Country Album.

* Jamie Foxx presented Cee Lo Green who did “Forget You” with Gwyneth Paltrow accompanied by dancing puppets. Cee Lo was wearing a bunch of feathers and looked like Elton John threw up all over him. Gwyneth came out in a low cut tight black catsuit with some killer shoes. She did a great job, I’ll grudgingly admit. It’s worth noting that Coldplay wasn’t nominated for anything so they weren’t there.

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*Neil Patrick Harris presented Katy Perry with a little joke about how he had sex with her on TV and was left confused. Katy Perry sang “Not Like The Movies” while suspended on a bedazzled swing. Then she sang “Teenage Dream” in front of a Valentines backdrop. She is a tribute to autotune. I guess her wedding video was playing in the background but I wasn’t paying attention.

*Nora Jones, John Mayer and Keith Urban did an acoustic version of Dolly Parton’s “Jolene.” Perfection. Dolly should have been there! Mayer looked like he’d been on a bender.

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* Seth Rogan joked that he was backstage getting high with Miley Cyrus. He introduced Rihanna, Eminem and Dr. Dre. Rihanna is another tribute to autotune. She did “Love The Way You Lie” with Eminem and he really worked the stage, moving on to “I Need a Doctor” with Dr. Dre.

* Esperanza Spalding won best new artist.

* Glee’s Matthew Morrison introduced the Grammy president Neil Portnow. They then did the tribute to artists lost.

* Mick Jagger did “Everybody Needs Somebody To Love.” This is when I really started zoning out. I mean Mick is awesome and everything but this was just too long.

* Kris Kristofferson presented Barbra Streisand, who did “Evergreen.” It was lovely.

* Nicki Minaj and Will.i.am presented best rap album, which Eminem won. He looked too skinny to me. He thanked Rihanna and gave a shout out to Detroit.

* Diddy introduced Rihanna and Drake, who did “What’s My Name.” Diddy was kind of slow and stumbled over his words. Rihanna was sexy in a fringed bikini thing that matched her Ronald McDonald hair. I was mesmerized by the diamond design on her crotch.

* JLo and Skeletor introduced the record of the year. Marc Anthony started singing “Volare” and Lopez said “Papi, no” after which he scrunched up his face and rolled his eyes. I’m sure they practiced that but it felt like she was schooling him.

* Lady Antebellum won for “Need You Now”

* Jason Segal told some lame jokes to introduce Arcade Fire performing “Month of May.” It was kind of dizzying with a ton of strobes and flashing lights.

* Kris Kristofferson and Barbra Streisand presented album of the year, which went to Arcade Fire for The Suburbs. I don’t think Barbra knew who they were because she said their album first.

Here’s a list of the winners: (more complete list here)
Pop Performance by a Duo or Group: “Hey Soul Sister,” Train
Female Country Vocal Performance: “The House That Built Me,” Miranda Lambert
Rock Album: “The Resistance,” Muse
Pop Vocal Album: “The Fame Monster,” Lady Gaga
Country Album: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum
Song of the Year: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum
Best New Artist: Esperanza Spalding
Rap Album: “Recovery,” Eminem
Record of the Year: “Need You Now,” Lady Antebellum
Album of the Year: “The Suburbs,” Arcade Fire

Did you make it through the whole thing? There were some amazing performances that’s for sure.

Here’s a link to another highlights video from the BBC.

Update: Thanks to HipHopHoney for the performance videos.

I swear to God, in the first seconds of Lady Gaga’s new single “Born This Way” I thought she was covering an old Nine Inch Nails song. I’m pretty sure she “sampled” from NIN. As she should – I would love to here Gaga’s covers of “Closer” or “Something I Can Never Have”. But anyway… yeah, the full single has finally come out, and it’s a little disappointing. For me. Because I appreciate Gaga when she’s making great dance music, and this isn’t really a great dance track. To me. Here you go:

In her Vogue interview, Gaga revealed that she had written the song in ten minutes – which I didn’t need to know. Now it’s all I can think about - “What if she had taken the time to write something that doesn’t sound like an old NIN sample?” In Vogue, Gaga also revealed Elton John had heard the track, and Elton had announced that it was “the gayest song” he had ever heard. In a separate interview, Elton praised her album, also called Born This Way, as “f-cking amazing” and he said the new single “will completely get rid of Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’…This is the new ‘I Will Survive.’ That was the gay anthem. This is the new gay anthem. Actually, it’s not a gay anthem – it can apply to anybody.” Um, really? Ugh.

Header is Gaga’s official artwork, additional pics by Testino/Vogue.

Dame Goopy rises from the ashes like a sanctimonious phoenix and awaits her reward for thinking so highly of herself. The reward: Gwyneth has been invited to the Oscars. No, she wasn’t nominated for acting, silly! Country Strong was simply too powerful a Britney Spears-esque exploration of being drunk and twangy to earn an acting nomination. And of course Dame Gwyneth would not deign to be a mere presenter. Of course not! Her dear friend Beyonce performed a “musical compilation” (that’s what “the children” are calling it these days) at the Oscars, so Dame Gwyneth must follow in her best dear friend’s footsteps. So yes, in addition to performing (“performing”) at the Grammys, Dame Gwyneth has deigned to grace the Academy Awards stage to perform a song from Country Strong. The song? “Coming Home”. Let’s see if I can find that junk….

Oooh! Here it is:

Holy crap, IS SHE SINGING ABOUT A DOUBLE WIDE?!?! LMAO.

I can’t even finish this junk, I’m laughing too hard. God bless Gwyneth.

Country Strong PR images from All Movie Photo.

Am I the only person in the world who thinks that the Black Eyed Peas are completely overrated? Like, I don’t even consider their music to be pop music and radio-friendly. They always sound so disorganized and disjointed to me. Of course, I listen to lots of classic rock and folk crap, so maybe that’s the problem. If you like the Peas, I guess you considered their Halftime performance as a career highlight…?

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Yeah… I still don’t get it. When I watched Nine, I had a moment of clarity that Fergie has an incredible voice, and I think it’s really passive-aggressive of Will.I.am to never let her really sing. They always make her do that garbled half-rap thing. Ugh. I did like it when Usher came out though – maybe Usher should have done the whole Halftime show?

Unlike CB, I noticed that Christina Aguilera botched the National Anthem, AND I also thought she looked like she was on something. Perhaps that was because Christina had to perform right after Lea Michele’s sober ass performed “America the Beautiful” so the side-by-side comparison was stark. Even though my default Lea Michele position is set on “I want to smack her” I have to admit that Lea was perfect. She was dressed appropriately, she had a backing choir of servicemen and servicewomen (that she out-sang) and she hit every note and knew all the words.

Since I tuned in for the opening and then promptly changed the channel, I was struck by one question: Why didn’t organizers ask Lea to sing the National Anthem? It’s not like Christina’s downward spiral isn’t obvious to everyone, and Lea has a much cleaner and family-friendly image than Xtina. Maybe the SuperBowl organizers just wanted a bit of controversy?

Screencaps of the performance.

As I’m sure you’ve already seen, Gwyneth Paltrow has been announced as a performer at this year’s Grammys. No joke. She’s going to perform “F-ck You” (which will likely be the radio-friendly version, “Forget You”) with Cee Lo Green. Gwyneth sang (via auto-tune) the same song when she first appeared on Glee, and this Grammy appearance comes on the heels of her CMA performance, where she got up on stage and twanged out a song from “Country Strong”. Gwyneth is really serious about convincing us that she’s musically awesome. It’s like Duets never happened, in her mind.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Cee Lo Green are planning to make beautiful music together – at the Grammys. The actress and the singer, who performed together on Saturday Night Live last month, will also be calling on some famous friends for help: the Jim Henson Company Puppets, PEOPLE has learned.

It’s not yet known what song they’ll perform, but what’s clear is the bond that Paltrow and Cee Lo formed when recording a new version of his Grammy-nominated hit “F— You.”

Cee Lo says Paltrow expressed “really feeling and appreciating what I had done artistically. That was awesome to come from her and feel her energy.”

Paltrow first performed a toned down version of the song on Glee. The 53rd Annual Grammy Awards will air on Feb. 13 at 8 p.m ET/PT on CBS.

[From People]

Can I just say something horrible? I never realized that Cee Lo Green was this big of a damn sellout. It’s one thing to change your song to more radio-friendly lyrics, and it’s one thing to be okay with some Goopy disaster performing your song on Glee. But to actually stand up on the Grammy stage with Goop and front like she’s a legitimate DUET partner?!? You suck, Cee Lo.

By the way, there were some additional quotes from Goopy’s interview in Harper’s Bazaar that I didn’t get to. In addition to whining about all of the lamers who hate on Goop, Gwyneth also talked about how she understands addiction: “I understand how you can do something bad for you because I smoked forever. I smoked even when my dad had throat cancer. I was like ‘I know this is probably going to kill me, but I’m going to smoke it anyway’. But I didn’t understand wrecking other people’s lives, and then kind of just waking up and tying your shoes. So Robert Downey Jr. helped me figure that out.” Eh. I’m not judging her for that one, I’m really not. I have a No Judgment Policy on smokers and reformed smokers.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

While I don’t think much of Rihanna as a musical talent, I do think highly of her as a visual artist. She’s a pretty girl and she makes interesting music videos, and that seems to be enough for millions of people. Rihanna’s like Lady Gaga without the voice – and both Gaga and Rihanna learned from Madonna that one of the best ways to promote your music is to make an interesting video, even if “interesting” means “tacky” or “trashy” or “what just happened?”. I kind of liked Rihanna’s video for “Rockstar 101” even though the song sucked. Hard. Anyway, RiRi’s new single is “S&M”. Because Rihanna is still working some crap out, I think. And she’s still playing with the dynamics of violence and power and sexuality. But I’m not sure what I think about the imagery in “S&M” – presenting it as flashy, nearly child-like Pop Art just feels wrong. Oh, and Perez Hilton is in it. Ugh.

Yeah, the Perez stuff… so, he’s Rihanna’s bitch? That makes sense. The part that bothered me the most was Rihanna dressed up in colorful, child-like outfits while tied up and preening for the camera. I mean… lots of her fans are kids, right? Ugh.

Screencaps from the video.

These are photos from the LA set of Willow Smith’s latest music video, “21st Century Girl”. This will be Willow’s follow-up to her wildly successful debut “Whip My Hair”. I actually liked “Whip My Hair” – I could understand the appeal of it, I thought it was a decent debut single. But I just listened a 15-second snippet of “21st Century Girl” and it makes me hearken back to the old days, when Willow would have been a one-hit wonder. Instead, in this new music paradigm, Willow is going to be forced down our throats for the next decade.

It’s back to the dance floor for Willow Smith! Following the runaway success of her debut single “Whip My Hair” last fall, the 10-year-old pop star shot a video for her second single, “21st Century Girl,” in Los Angeles this week, as dad Will Smith and mom Jada Pinkett Smith looked on.

She also debuted a snippet of the club-ready track in a video post on her Facebook page on Sunday.

She sings: “21st century girl/I do what I like/I’m takin’ you for a ride/Yeah I’m gonna live it up, just live it up.”

Smith, who calls the new song “a dance record,” is also hard at work on her album, reportedly due this spring, for Jay-Z’s Roc Nation label.

“It is very cool, because Jay really welcomes me and makes me feel like the record label is a place where I can have fun and talk about my career,” Willow told Vanity Fair’s February issue. “He and his people make me feel like I’m a part of something. And I love Beyoncé – she’s awesome!”

[From People]

Someone tell Willow that it’s time for her to “retire” from her music career to concentrate on her fashion lines, which I’m sure are forthcoming. I could handle Willow as a tween fashion designer – she seems more punk-influenced than jailbait/Gossip-Girl-influenced, thank God. But this musical career needs to die. Don’t believe me? Scratch out your eardrums with this 15 second snippet:

Photos courtesy of Fame.

I just listened to this remix of Lady Gaga’s first single from her new album, Born This Way. The single/remix debuted yesterday in Paris, at the Mugler fashion show. They played it as the models walked the runway. Here’s the remix… with the “short film” made by Nicola Formichetti (Mugler’s creative director) and photographer Mariano Vivanco. The model/skull-face/skeleton is model Rick Genest. Here’s the remix:

It’s not bad. I’m listening to it again as I’m writing. It will be interesting to hear the original single and compare it to the remix. But I like the German, I like how it’s not “ZOMG DANCE!” Is Gaga growing up? Personally, I hope she keeps making great dance music – someone needs to, and Madonna isn’t interested. Let’s see… what else…Formichetti and Gaga have had a professional relationship for a while, and he’s the dude responsible for her meat dress. Also, Gaga was thrilled with the collaboration, as she tweeted: “MUGLER PARIS SHOW begins in 2 hours. I am so excited my fashion bones are rattling. The garments + music are poetic intoxication.” Oh, and Gaga has a history of premiering new music during a fashion show – she did the same thing with “Bad Romance” during a McQueen show in 2009.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

I’m usually pretty good at remembering stories about celebrities, like I can recall related stories about them that pertain to whatever bad behavior they’re engaged in. In Kim Kardashian’s case I completely forgot that she was launching a music career, because I actively ignore her, especially when it comes to her business ventures. She will slap her name on just about anything. (Bitch even went to the opening of a toilet.)

Anyway Kim played her first single at a club on New Year’s, (video above) where she surely received a hefty appearance fee for bringing out her plastic boobs, ass, and clown face while promoting her music. The song sounded like just about every other overproduced dance track released by a reality star over the past few years. (i.e. anything that Heidi Montag, Kim Zolciak or Countess LuAnn has done.) Kardashian worked with The Dream so her song was well mixed at least. I think Paris Hilton’s music was better, but that’s not saying much.

When Kaiser first reported about Kim’s music “career” she wondered whether Kim would f*ck for tracks. Kanye West, Kim’s rumored hookup, is in her video and might even be helping with her music, so I think we have our answer.

Here’s the report from Popeater:

The track, written by accomplished songwriter The-Dream, is reportedly titled ‘Turn It Up,’ and features a bass-heavy beat perfect for the dance floor. Before playing the newly released tune for the crowd, she offered a brief intro.

“Hi you guys, I didn’t mean to, but I did this song with The-Dream, and it’s really fun,” she said. “I hope you guys like it!”

Kim recently shot a video for the song last week in Los Angeles, possibly with her new cornrows hairstyle. Famed director Hype Williams manned the camera while Kanye West made a cameo in the visuals. There’s no word yet on whether West will solely serve as Kardashian’s co-star in the video or if he’ll supply a verse on the song as well.

Kim revealed her New Year resolution early in December when Us Weekly reported that during an appearance on ‘The Rachael Ray Show,’ Kardashian told Ray that her 30th year is the right time for her to embrace the single life.

“I’ve made a promise to myself and I’m really trying hard to stick to it, but I’m such a hopeless romantic that it’s hard,” she tells Ray. “I want to try to be single my whole year of being 30.”

[From Popeater]

If Kim plans to be single all year, it’s probably part of her career plan. Like she’s going to make as much money as she can possibly squeeze out of various projects and then plans to get married, have a kid and her own reality show in 2012, all the while working out coverage deals with various media agencies for her major life events. You know, Kim may have learned this from Paris, but she really makes Paris seem quaint in comparison. Kim is like Paris on steroids, Botox and overflowing silicone.

Photos are from New Year’s Eve outside of Lavo nightclub. Credit: WENN.com