Just a few years ago, Tom Cruise and his big fat mouth landed his previously stellar box-office career in the bottom of the gutter. He needed some serious help and, thanks to Ben Stiller, found a bit of a reprieve through a very uncharacteristic cameo in 2008′s Tropic Thunder. Ever since then, we’ve been hearing rumors of a feature-length spinoff with an update last summer that Cruise would star within and produce the Official Les Grossman movie. Now, we’re hearing via MTV that there’s actually a script for this ill-fated mess:

The 2008 comedy smash Tropic Thunder spawned some memorable characters, to say the least. From Robert Downey Jr.’s very method actor Kirk Lazarus to Jack Black’s drug-fueled Jeff Portnoy, there could have been any number of characters from the film that earned their own spin-off movie.

Of course, since no one in the industry has quite the same pull as Tropic Thunder‘s sleazy, rap enthusiast movie honcho Les Grossman (played by a transformed Tom Cruise), there’s no surprise that it’s him.

When MTV News caught up with “Saturday Night Live” funny man Bill Hader at the first-ever Comedy Awards (which air Sunday, April 10 at 8p.m. on Comedy Central, VH1, Spike TV, Logo, CMT, TVLand, and online at thecomedyawards.com) he told us that the Les movie is written and is getting closer to arriving in theaters.

Hader, who appeared in a few Les Grossman skits in anticipation for the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, confirmed that his friend, actor/writer Michael Bacall (who previously penned Scott Pilgrim vs. the World and is currently working on the upcoming remake of Fright Night) “wrote it and he’s told me some really funny scenes from it.”

While Hader admitted he was vague on the details of what the plot for the movie based on Cruise’s loud, boorish exec would actually be about (“I just know the broad strokes. Michael just telling me, ‘I just wrote this scene where blah, blah, blah and I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s funny, man!’”) or when it would finally make it to theaters (Cruise will be busy with Rock of Ages soon) he was sure of one thing, “It’s gonna be great.”

[From MTV]

Admittedly, the very idea of Les Grossman as portrayed Tom Cruise was originally an amusing one because the cameo conveniently took place at a point when Cruise was best known for sticking his finger in Matt Lauer’s face and refusing to make fun of himself in any capacity. As Grossman, Cruise did the unthinkable by putting on a fat suit and showing off some disgustingly hilarious raunchy dance moves. Still, will anyone pay to watch the Grossman character for a full 90 minutes onscreen? After all, we’ve already witnessed Cruise losing a bit of his seriousness by aping his own persona in Knight and Day, and that wasn’t exactly the box-office smash it was expected to be.

Nonetheless, SlashFilm attempts to make the case that Cruise’s career doesn’t really need this spinoff movie like it did just a few years ago, but I’m not quite understanding the logic there. What has Tom Cruise done since Lions for Lambs (which lost many tens of millions), Valkyrie (which financially underperformed to a lesser degree), and Knight and Day (which did not return Cruise to the top of the pack either)? Nothing. He desperately needs a hit to keep building underground bunkers at his Telluride mountain estate and still allow Katie to continue poorly dressing herself in ridiculously expensive capri pants. Furthermore, Tom just needs to put a movie out there, like, now to would take the focus off the P-E-N-I-S Gummies. Luckily (or not), Cruise is gearing up to star in the film adaptation of Broadway’s Rock of Ages musical, which arrives with the following synopsis:

Rock of Ages is set in 1987 on the Sunset Strip, where a small town girl meets a big city rocker in L.A.’s most famous rock club. Their love story is told through the hits of Journey, Bon Jovi, Styx, Pat Benatar, Foreigner, Twisted Sister, Asia, Whitesnake and many more.

[From Broadway.com]

During its continuing Broadway run, the musical has enjoyed five Tony nominations and, from what I gathered last fall after being forced to cross the street to avoid a huge audience in waiting, is quite popular with New York City tourists. Again, do we really want to see Tom Cruise rocking out to Twisted Sister? It gets even weirder from there. While Russell Brand might have actually found his dream role (he’s been confirmed for the role of club owner Lonny, who reportedly performs a rendition of REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling,”), other possible but unconfirmed members of the cast include names like Taylor Swift and Gwyneth Paltrow. That’s the stuff of horror movies!

As a side note on the Les Grossman project and for those who aren’t familiar with Michael Bacall, he’s not only a screenwriter but an actor who played one of the (non-speaking) members of Brad Pitt’s crew in Inglourious Basterds and also had a small role in Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof as well. I don’t doubt that he’s perfectly capable of putting together a “funny” script, but based upon the character of Les Grossman, more is usually less.

Another week, another In Touch Weekly story about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ relationship troubles. IT has started reporting on them with the same kind of nasty enthusiasm usually reserved for Brangelina. This week’s story has some elements of previous stories – Tom is controlling, Katie is a robot, she misses her friends, Tom likes to audit people with tin cans, et cetera. I might have made one of those up. Guess which one?

The brunt of the story is that Katie spent time in LA, going to parties with her family and without Tom, and she had an amazing time without the Xenu on her back. There is no mention in this story about their alleged fights over having another baby – a story I found interesting, and more convincing than this crap, honestly:

Back in Boston, Katie worried onlookers with her downtrodden appearance. “She looked sad and uncomfortable,” says one witness, who saw Katie with Tom’s sister Lee Anne – another way for Tom to keep an eye on Katie. “Lee Anne was overheard talking to Katie like she was a child.”

A totally different Katie was in Los Angeles a week earlier, in Los Angeles. At the Elle event on October 19, “Katie was having a great time, just laughing with the girls and being silly,” recalls one eyewitness.

Katie wore an Alaia gown picked out just for her – but it wasn’t picked out by Tom, but rather her visiting mom, Kathleen, and her daughter Suri. The event was part of a week that Katie spent with her mother and daughter in LA – during which Katie seemed happier than she’s been in a long time.

“It was Katie’s time to do what she wanted, eat what she wanted and see who she wanted,” explains a longtime family friend of the actress. “When Tom is around, it’s all his plans – but while in Los Angeles without him, she was calling the shots.”

But she wasn’t calling the shot for long. Tom was upset when he saw pictures of Katie’s see-through top. “He thought it was too revealing. He asked her what she was thinking and added that he’s worried about her… he told her to come back to Boston.”

A friend says Katie’s been down in dumps since returning to Boston – and that Katie resents Tom’s controlling attitude.

[From In Touch Weekly, print edition, November 9 2009]

One of the most interesting part of the story came from the photo pullouts. One claimed that Katie is getting angry – “in the past, a friend says Katie has ‘gone along with Tom’s demands’ for the sake of her marriage, but she’s no longer sure how much more she can take. Meanwhile, Tom is worried Katie will leave. A friend says Katie has been acting the way Nicole did toward the end of their marriage – and Tom wants to keep her from leaving.” Whoa, there. Katie is acting like Nicole did circa 2000? On her worst day, Nicole was never as robotic and zombie-esque as Katie is on Katie’s best day. But I think the point of that little IT jab was that Katie is trying to find her spine, just like Nicole. Maybe?

Tom, Katie and Suri are shown out in Boston on 10/11/09. Credit: Fame Pictures

The Beckhams moved into a $22 million Los Angeles home in 2007 when David played for the L.A. Galaxy. Now that they are moving to Italy (with David paying off the rest of his Galaxy salary out-of-pocket), they’re looking to sell their home. Even with the housing market the way it is, they have found a potential buyer in the Cruises, who live right down the street. Tom and Katie would use the home as a guest house for visitors.

Now that Becks will be “Bending It” in Italy more often than ever, the dashing soccer ace and his fashionista wife, Victoria, are looking forward to unloading their expansive Beverly Hills estate–and despite the housing crunch, they’ve already attracted a pair of interested owners, their old pals TomKat.

The British couple purchased the home for $22 million in 2007 after moving Stateside for a multimillion dollar deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy.

According to Star, Tom and Katie, who live around the corner from the Beckhams, hope to use the property as a guesthouse if they are able reach a deal with the Beckhams.

“They would use the place for visitors, but they don’t want to spend much more than $15 million.”

[From PopCrunch]

A $22 million guest house seems excessive, but this is Tom Cruise we’re talking about – he constantly needs to prove to the world that he is better than everyone else. This is probably the same reason there is so much press about the Cruises’ relationship with the Beckhams. The combined star power is, in Tom’s mind, worth the trouble. Between the four of them, they probably have about half a brain somewhere. David has even confessed that he has trouble helping his 6-year-old son with his math homework. As for the guest house, Katie will probably use it as an escape when the stress of Scientology gets too great.

Here’s the Beckham and Cruise families (sans Tom) taking a stroll in Central Park this past Thanksgiving. Images thanks to Fame.com.

Things looked pretty tense for the Cruise family as they sat in a box at an LA Galaxy Game on Saturday. It was the first time Tom, Katie, Suri, Isabella and Connor have all been photographed together at an event or by the paparazzi since December, 2006. In the fall of 2006, Katie and Tom were pictured sitting on the sidelines and cuddling at Isabella and Connor’s sports matches near constantly. After Suri was born Tom’s older kids pretty much dropped out of site. Connor was seen out on his 13th birthday having dinner with his dad in January, but that was a rare sighting.

There may be a good reason for the palpable misery and tension among the Holmes-Cruises – The LA Galaxy soccer team featuring David Beckham lost that game on Saturday 2-1 to the New York Red Bulls.

Three of David Beckham’s sons, Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz, were in the box with them, but their mom was not at that game. Victoria Beckham caught a flight from LA to London earlier that day, which may have made it convenient for her to avoid being seen with the Cruises. Victoria and David recorded a tribute to Cruise that aired during the Oprah special, but it primarily focused on his films and they did not talk as much about their friendship with him.

Little Suri, two, held her ears when the crowd cheered. Her older sister, Isabella, 15, is shown handing her a doll to try and make her feel better.

Thanks to Splash for these photos.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes looked like brother and sister at the premiere of Lions for Lambs at the AFI Fest in Hollywood last night. Tom has grown out his Nazi bowl cut while Katie’s short dark bob looks suspiciously similar. Add the matching outfits and they’re like any other couple that ends up looking alike, perhaps intentionally. Katie mercifully wore flats, which made her about even with Tom instead of towering over him like she did at the Berlin premiere of the film.

In terms of Tom and Katie’s home life, Cruise recently gave some statements to the press that show he’s mastered the art of revealing enough to create a news blurb without really giving too much information. He praised his wife’s acting ability and said that they’re good at coordinating schedules. He also admitted he doesn’t get a lot of sleep without complaining about it:

With his first anniversary fast approaching, Cruise said married life was “all very good, all very lovely,” and that he feels “lucky” to be wedded to Holmes, his third wife.

“I have a lot of respect for her as an artist, as a woman,” he said. “She’s a very strong, gracious woman.”

When it comes to juggling his responsibilities as a husband and father with his career as a leading man and studio mogul, Cruise admits that life gets busy.

“Just like everybody else, you just work it out,” he said. “We’ve gotten pretty good at organizing everything. I don’t sleep much anyway.”

[From EOnline]

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt should take note, because Cruise provides enough general information to make it mildly interesting without revealing any weaknesses for tabloids to run with.

Cruise plays a Congressman in Lions for Lambs, which weaves different stories around the fates of two college students fighting in Afghanistan. Lions for Lambs is directed by Robert Redford and is out in the US on November 9. It also stars Michael Peña and Meryl Streep.

Here’s an introduction to the film, told by the young actors.

Thanks to PRPhotos for these pictures. Also shown are Will Smith, Meryl Streep, Robert Redford, Samantha Mathis, and David Beckham. What’s up with Beckham’s outfit? Is it deliberately messy or is he just unable to dress himself when Posh isn’t around?

You know how you used to see photos of Tom Cruise’s kids, Isabella and Connor, all the time before baby Suri made her triumphant but long overdue debut? Tom and Katie seemed to be attending a sports game for one of the preteens every week, but now like they’ve been missing for months.

Isabella dyed her hair blue the minute she was down in Australia visiting her mom Nicole Kidman, but that was back in May. Connor hasn’t really been seen much either.

According to Star Magazine, Tom Cruise’s other kids are away at Scientology camp learning how to be good little cult members who don’t question authority:

As Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and their 15-month-old cutie Suri were snapped romping around Berlin in between his filming the World War II drama, Valkyrie, noticeably absent from these family outings were daughter Isabella, 14, and son Connor, 12. Nor were the two with mom Nicole Kidman, who is currently in Australia filming her own WWII epic. So where have the Cruise kids been all summer? Star has learned that the youngsters are in Oregon, at a camp 60 miles south of Portland run by the Church of Scientology! “The summer camp is part of the Scientology’s ‘get them while they’re young’ campaign,” a source who attended the camp tells Star. “While they will be enjoying horseback riding, swimming and all kinds of fun activities, some of their day is devoted to Scientology coursework.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, September 3, 2007]

Oh so that’s why the Cruise kids have been discarded like last season’s PR tactic – they needed to get their personality chips reset! Just send ‘em to camp for another round of coercion and they’ll come out smiling and ready to pose for more paparazzi pictures.

Just you wait, little Suri, your free will is next.

While I was doing the research for this post I found an interesting article from nearly 10 years ago posted on Factnet.org. They interviewed a guy who was second in command of Scientology and left to reveal their secrets. He talked about how celebrities are paid to endorse Scientology and the tactics that are used to make sure they don’t leave the fold or criticize the cult. They blackmail people, put extreme psychological pressure on them, and will hound anyone high profile who dares to leave. Scientology arranged Cruise’s divorce from his first wife, Mimi Rogers, and made sure he remained under their influence afterwards.

Celebrities are constantly monitored and judged to make sure that they don’t leave the cult or question its practices. Anyone that dares to do so is subject to extreme harassment and exposure of all the secrets collected about them by the cult, which can potentially end their careers. John Travolta supposed wanted to leave when he met a guy he fell in love with, but the head of the cult, John Miscavige put the kibosh on that and made sure that his people were around to pressure Travolta to give up his relationship and marry fellow Scientologist Kelly Preston instead.

It’s one thing for people like Cruise and Travolta to be figureheads for the money-making soul-sucking cult masquerading as a religion. It’s another for their kids to be forced to join before they have a chance to learn about life.

Tom and Katie sure looked happy at Jada Pinkett Smith’s party on 2/9, but recent tabloids have them fighting over various issues related to Katie’s newfound independence.

Last week we reported that In Touch was calling her a nag, and the February 12 issue of Star claims that Tom is livid over the fact that Katie wants to take baby Suri on a three month film shoot with her.

They also claim Tom wants another baby right away, but that Katie is putting him off in favor of trying to get her career back on track. Tom is even trying to control Katie’s career and is rejecting potential roles for her, but Katie isn’t having that:

Sources say Katie, 28, is coming out of her shell and asserting herself. And after more than a year on hiatus, she’s even returning to work, having just joined Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah in signing up for the crime caper Mad Money, which starts filming in Shreveport, LA, this spring. Naturally, she wants to bring Suri with her, but Tom has other ideas. “Tom is very angry about that,” says the source. Why? [Tom] will be busy running a movie studio, United Artists, back in L.A. and can’t afford to spend much time in Louisiana…

“He’s going to make sure Katie has a security force and Scientology minders with her,” says the source. “He’ll visit Louisiana some, but when he’s not there he’s going to be sure he has eyes and ears listening in for him!” (The couple’s rep denies this story.

Where Suri will be living this spring isn’t the only issue the couple is fighting over. For the last few months, Katie’s been reading scripts, but, says another insider, “Tom rejected everything! They were either not good enough or not hit-movie matieral.”

[From Star magazine print edition, February 12, 2007]

This could be true that Tom and Katie are fighting over her career and where Suri will stay, but they seem to be keeping up appearances well as usual. If Katie is breaking out of her brainwashed shell, there are bound to be some problems between them.

One thing Tom is no longer in control of is his young bride’s height. CityRag points out that Katie no longer appears shorter than Tom like in their wedding pictures, and seems to be wearing heels in these latest candids.

Thanks to KatieHolmes.com for these pics and Sammie’s Effluvia for the story.

The gossip rags have moved on from calling wan Katie Holmes a brainwashed Stepford wife to championing the changes in her after she made an appearance at Paris fashion week without Tom. I guess a new face makes all the difference.

In Touch says she’s calling the shots now, and claims she’s trying to get her career back and is taking advice from Victoria Beckham to make sure her man is under control:

Until recently, Katie has rarely been seen unless she is attached to Tom’s hip at his kid’s soccer games, on the red carpet and at charity events. After she met Tom, Katie shut out most of her old friends in order to give Tom constant attention. However, her new, close friendship with Victoria Beckham is changing everything.

The duo travelled to Paris on January 23 to attend Couture Week. Strong, confident Victoria, 32, “is helping Katie assert her power and independence,” and insider says, and – as the mother of three boys… giving her tips on how to be a working mom…

Lately, Katie seems stifled around Tom. At a party for musician Prince at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel on January 15, “Tom practically had to drag her around,” an onlooker tells In Touch. And when Tom had a conversation with 24 star Keifer Sutherland, “Katie just stood there, looking totally bored,” the witness says.

[From In Touch print edition, January 12, 2007]

The article goes on to say that Katie is focusing on her career now and that she is in talks to star in what is sure to be a crappy movie with Queen Latifah called Mad Money. They say Tom wants more kids but that Katie probably won’t be popping out another one soon.

In Touch is most likely checking out the pictures and making this story up, but it seems fundamentally true. Katie is branching out, and if we can be forgiven for engaging in this same overanalysis of paparazzi photos, she looks like she’s having a good time, but also that she’s acting for the cameras and no longer thinks Tom is a God like everyone else in his cult religion.

If you check out the pictures of her out with him in Miami on Superbowl weekend she has this faraway look in her eye. It’s possible that she’s planning her next move, and that she really has broken out of that Stepford mold. Those must be the thetans talking though, and some intense auditing should cure her.

Here are Katie and Tom leaving their hotel in Miami on 2/3.

Story via Sammie’s Effluvia. Pictures from KatieHolmes.com.

or What Katie Didnt Do …

Lovely Liz Smith at Page Six reports that Katie Holmes suddenly remembers she’s an actress. Maybe they had to take her off the Stepford sedatives while she was recovering from her brash new rhinoplasty … don’t want to mix medications after all. Not when she has some good Thetan breeding years left in her yet.

Agency CAA is developing a new career plan since Katie has not worked during the two years since she fell for Tom. … [Moviefone] describe her connection to Tom Cruise as “a tabloid free-for-all” that didn’t do her any good, creating negative publicity. They say her “likability” rating has dived. And she’s been off the screen too long.

Lovely Liz exhibits some of the problems of an overly kind granny reading of gossip (usually a welcome change from the venom for venom’s sake). In trying to prove that launching the Tom Cruise Missile into a girl’s career is a force for good not for evil – Liz undermines her own kindly case.

Of course, Tom Cruise could produce his own movie to star his beloved. If you think such loving nepotism doesn’t work, think back to Norma Shearer and hubby Irving Thalberg. Being associated with Mr. Box Office didn’t hurt Penelope Cruz, his short-term girlfriend. She’s up for a Best Actress Oscar. And since her divorce from Tom, Nicole Kidman has come into her own.

Okay she gets points for going all ol’ skool with the Shearer/Thalberg reference, but the rest of the argument falls to bits … only proving that getting free of the TC works wonders. Sort of like time served in purgatory that might eventually get you the Keys to the Kingdom. As for producing a film for Katie … does the idea of Battlefield Earth Returns frighten anyone else down to their cotton socks.

Penelope Cruz’s Volver nomination is generally considered a Hail Mary (or I guess Ave Maria) pass from a Hollywood career with not a single good role. She had to basically rewind back to her pre- Cruise Hollywood days to get back on track. I think working with Almodovar again is clearly the key, not her year of T.ender L.oving C.ruise.

Kidman’s divorce let her wear heels again and start winning Oscars worthy roles et al. Isn’t the real lesson that Katie Holmes is either up Dawson’s Creek without a paddle or married and in flats? Success will follow when she’s paroled or granted a pardon.

I wonder if CAA stands for Cruised Actresses Anonymous – in certain knowing circles?

Pictures added by Celebitchy: Here’s Katie Holmes outside of CAA on 1/26, which Just Jared says stands for Creative Audio Associates, which handles music and sound for TV and film. There’s also a Creative Artists Agency, which is what I figure it stands for. Pictures are from KatieHolmes.com

The National Enquirer’s recent cover story claims that Katie Holmes is a shadow of her former self and has all aspects of her life controlled by her pint-sized cult-loving husband, Tom Cruise. They say he limits her phone calls to fifteen minutes, controls her extracurricular activities, and makes sure she approves all of her outfits before she is permitted to leave the house.

Pals of the 28 year-old actress are terrified that Tom and his fellow church members have virtually taken over eager-to-please Katie’s life, reducing an independent and free-spirited young woman to a submissive shell of her former self. Some insiders have even started calling her “The Stepford Wife” behind her back.

“It is like she obeys him like a pet or robot,” said a family insider. “It’s really creepy…”

Raised Catholic, she’s now dutifully following Tom’s lead and has immersed herself in Scientology, severing nearly all ties with her past.

“Any friends that Katie calls, and there are very few left since she hooked up with Tom, are cleared by him,” claims the insider.

Whats more, she spends only about 15 minutes per phone call, even when she’s speaking with family members….

Tom also approves his wife’s wardrobe, banning anything he considers too sexy.

“Tom doesn’t want Katie wearing anything flashy – and nothing too revealing either,” added the insider. “He’s very specific about what she wears – and if it’s not to his liking, she changes before leaving the house.”

[From The National Enquirer print edition, January 29, 2007]

To me, this sounds like a re-tread of an In Touch story from two weeks ago, in which they basically said the same thing about Katie. In fact, this Enquirer story even went on to repeat the anecdote about Tom overhearing Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom invite Kate to Hyde and putting the kibosh on their plans.

There’s not much new information in that Enquirer story, and it seems likely that the insider is just a person who read the In Touch story and filled in some more details. Of course it ‘s probably true that Katie doesn’t have a lot of freedom under the evil watch of the Scientology cult, but she could also just be tired or worn out from being a mom or whatever.

A jucier story is the one that Tom and Katie were seen celebrating what looked like little Suri’s birthday while out at a restaurant recently. The catch is that it’s January, and they claimed Suri was born in April of last year. This lends some credence to all those “conspiracy theories” about Suri not being Toms or being older than they claim. It’s not a conspiracy if it’s true.

Here’s Katie at the opening of Georgio Armani’s shop in Paris yesterday with Victoria Beckham. She dresses a bit frumpy, and maybe that’s why The Enquirer is saying Tom approves her outfits, but it could just be her style. She looks pretty happy and normal here.

Update: Oh No They Didn’t! has before and after photographs that suggest that Katie Holmes had a recent nose job. It looks like it to me.

Pictures from KatieHolmes.com