Victoria Beckham (seen above while she was seven months pregnant at Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding) is reportedly horrified that she gained twenty-one pounds while pregnant with her latest child, daughter Harper Seven, who was born one month ago. That’s right — a whole twenty-one pounds — and Victoria is so desperate to shed the lingering unwanted weight that she’s gone into hiding until, magically, she’s able to emerge at her pre-pregnancy weight. Of course, it’ll take lots of exercise and very little eating to accomplish this goal, so Victoria has embarked on some crazy plan called the Five Hands diet:

How the super strict Five Hands diet is helping Victoria Beckham shed post-pregnancy pounds in time for Fashion Week

You’d think after having four children any hopes of having a flat tummy would be over – but one woman is determined to prove otherwise.

After giving birth to Harper Seven last month and gaining 1st 7lb, Victoria Beckham has gone into hiding in a bid to get back to a svelte size zero.

While Mr Beckham has been spotted almost daily with the rest of the brood, it is claimed 37-year-old Victoria has been cooped up in a rented seven-bedroom Malibu mansion getting her body back to pre-pregnancy glory.

According to Grazia, the former Spice Girl has been following the new ‘Five Hands’ diet to taper her figure in time for a grand unveiling at New York Fashion Week from September 8-15.

With a matter of weeks to go before she makes her return to the spotlight, Victoria has reportedly been sticking to the strict regime which consists of just five handfuls of food a day.

A source told the magazine that she has cut out sugar and has been snacking on miniscule portions of smoked salmon, prawns with chilli, yellow-fin tuna sushi and scrambled eggs.

‘Five days after giving birth, she started eating five high-protein meals a day accompanied by green vegetables, drinking gallons of water, and only snacking on goji berries and nuts.’

To complement her new eating plan Victoria has also been doing gentle exercise at the £93,000-a-month beach rental owned by Stephen Spielberg, as doctors have warned against any vigorous exercise for at least eight weeks following her caesarean.

“Victoria’s been doing gentle post-natal exercises and 10 minutes of Pilates.

“In a few weeks’ time she’ll pick up her normal gym routine again and start training with Tracy Anderson,” the source added.

This isn’t the first time that the fashion designer – who will be shortly be exhibiting the spring 2012 collection of her eponymous label in New York – has fought to shed her pregnancy pounds.

Following the birth of her three sons Brooklyn, 12, Romeo, eight, and Cruz, six, Victoria used a combination of Pilates and algae wraps – which reportedly shed 2-3lb a session – to regain her slender appearance.

Images of her after the birth of her first son Brooklyn, in 1999 sparked concern over her rapid weight loss. At the time, she said: “I had become Skeletal Spice. What upset me was I ate like any normal person… I wasn’t happy with how I looked.”

[From Daily Mail]

It’s really amazing that Victoria has historically insisted that she eats just like everyone else does when we know damn well what she used to look like before all of the restrictive dieting practices kicked into play. Basically, we know she’s full of crap where her weight is concerned, but whatever. Also, the fact that she’s hired Tracy Anderson tells us that Victoria isn’t interested at all in being healthy but only shedding the weight as quickly as possible. All for the sake of fashion week, really? One would imagine that having four children would help her recognize better priorities in life, but no. So get ready to see Victoria looking just like she did in 2010…

Photos courtesy of Fame

What does Madonna love more than anything else? She loves herself, for sure, but I think “money” and “gristly-body obsession-fanaticism” is right up there with self-love. So it was love at first sight when Madge met Tracy Anderson, the fraud “trainer” who made Madonna into the piece of gristle she is today. A few years ago, Madonna and Tracy split up, and I always assumed the whole thing was over money. Tracy wanted to open gyms and trade on her association with Madonna, and Madge balked. Now Tracy is in business with Gwyneth Paltrow, who coincidentally is no longer BFFs with Madge. Anyway, this Star Mag story is kind of a blast from the past, but I want to buy it just because this completely comports with the image I have of Madonna: a 50-something woman terrified of aging, who will pay any amount of money to look younger, who will fly into a rage at the mere mention of cellulite.

Madonna is turning 53 in August, and she’s so obsessed with maintaining a youthful appearance, she’s purchased a Cellupulse anti-cellulite acoustic wave therapy machine for $75,000, according to a member of the superstar’s inner circle. Madge uses the machine twice a week and faithfully record her thigh measurements to make sure she’s on target and “flips out if it increases by as little as one quarter of an inch.”

Madge is so fixated on her cellulite that it has destroyed her relationship with her longtime exercise guru, Tracy Anderson.

“Tracy grew to dread the early-morning phone calls from Madonna ranting about what a useless trainer she was,” according to one of Tracy’s pals. “Madonna would threaten to fire her, and Tracy had to talk her down each time.”

Tracy’s not the only casualty of Madonna’s body image obsession. “The measuring and ranting used to drive her ex-husband crazy,” reports the insider. “Guy Ritchie would mock her and joke that he noticed a few new dimples, which he thought was tremendously funny, but she obviously didn’t.”

The insider continues: “Madonna wants the body of an 18-year-old dancer and believes she can maintain her youth if she works hard enough in her gym, which is covered from floor to ceiling with mirrors. She scrutinizes her body in every position, looking for fat like an FBI detective.”

Madonna has also vowed to eliminate anyone who doesn’t respect her exercise regimen from her home and her life.

“Those wishing to stay in her good graces have learned to stay mum on the subject, especially her young male companions.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

Don’t you want to think of Madonna like this? Obsessively measuring her cellulite in her completely mirrored room, agonizing over the measurements for hours and then finally rage-calling Tracy to vent? That is totally how I picture her.

Re: the “young male companions” – does anyone else get the feeling that Madge isn’t even having sex with these young guys? I got that feeling when she was with Jesus Luz, and now that she’s doing the on-again-whatever with Brahim, I just think Madge is like Hugh Hefner at this point. She keeps all of the young, fresh meat around her to make herself feel better, like she’s young again, and so she can have something pretty to look at.

Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.

Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t mind being associated with fraud trainer Tracy Anderson. And when I call Tracy a “fraud” I mean she’s an honest-to-God fraud who has bilked business partners out of hundreds of thousands of dollars, not to mention the “fraud” of telling women that she can remake their body if they only drop to 1,000 calories a day while working out 2 hours a day (how could that NOT work?). Anyway, Gwyneth is now business partners with Tracy, and they co-own some gyms or something. This is all happened around the same time that Madonna dropped Tracy like a hot potato, and I’ve always believed that Tracy is one of the main reasons that Gwyneth and Madge aren’t friends anymore. But I digress – Gwyneth associates herself with Chipmunk McBoltOns, and now Gwyneth is shilling Tracy’s “Method” yet again in her Goop newsletter:

By now, I think you all know how amazing I think my trainer, partner and friend Tracy Anderson is, how she kicked my twice pregnant ass into shape, and keeps taking me to new levels. Tracy’s dream has always been to be able to make her ingenious customized-to-your-problem-areas program available to any woman who is up for the challenge—and now she has. See below! It’s pretty f’ing great ’cause it works!

[From Goop]

Then Goop gives the newsletter over to Tracy for what amounts to a commercial for her “method”. Goop also included this video:

Ugh. Okay, I’ve stopped feeling sorry for Gwyneth temporarily. Now I’m back to just wanting to smack the snot out of her. How tacky is this? How cheap and budget is it to promote your fraudulent business partner on your “newsletter”? When did Gwyneth become so “f’ing” tacky?

Oh, well. I guess we should be grateful that Gwyneth wasn’t telling us about some NEW FANCY juice detox. AGAIN. Because Goop can’t poop naturally. That’s for peasants.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame.

Last week the National Enquirer reported that Jessica Simpson was trying to lose weight for her wedding and that her fiance Eric Johnson was telling her to drop some pounds or the wedding was off. I said that it was likely that Simpson was trying to lose weight for her wedding because that’s what most women do, but that I doubted that Eric had issued an ultimatum or was particularly concerned with Jessica’s weight. He looks like he’s gained a few since hooking up with Jessica anyway.

In this week’s US Weekly, fraud celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson claims that she’s training Jessica and that “this is a big, forever lifestyle shift” for the accidental fashion mogul. Anderson recommends diets that are around the 800 calorie mark a day, well below the 1200 minimum calories recommended by nutritionists. Anderson has no certification or background in nutrition. To be fair, this article doesn’t say that Anderson is giving Simpson diet advice, it’s just implied. Simpson did go on a “cleanse” before starting the program.

Jessica Simpson, 30, has enlisted the help of celeb trainer Tracy Anders, who’s customized a routine that includes dance aerobics, ab work and strength training. After a few weeks of 75-minute, four-day-a-week workouts, “she’s seeing results,” says a pal. “She really loves it. She thinks it’s so much fun.”

The 5-foot-3 margarita and guacamole-loving star even went on a weeklong cleanse to kick start the regime and intends to cut back on fatty favorites for good. “She is in the mind set that this is a big, forever lifestyle shift,” Anderson tells US, adding that she plans to ramp up Simpson’s workouts. “Jessica has a killer body, but when she goes up to two hours, six days a week, then you will really see her transform.”

[From US Weekly, print edition, February 28, 2011]

What the hell is Jessica thinking? She used to work with Harley Pasternak, whose 5-Factor Diet and 5-Factor Fitness programs are actually sensible and easy to follow. (From what I’ve read, I haven’t done them.) She doesn’t need to get caught up with Tracy’s starvation and overexercise program. Everyone else is doing it, so I guess she’s on the bandwagon now. Good luck keeping it up once the big event is over.

Jessica and Eric are shown on 12/31/10. Credit: Fame. Tracy Anderson is shown showing off her bolt ons on 4/20/09. Credit: PRPhotos

I didn’t want to cover this story yesterday because frankly celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson bugs the crap out of me. This orange chipmunked-cheeked woman has defrauded countless people in her quest for fame. She scammed many people in Indiana who paid a fortune for her pilates classes, invented significant parts of her past, and has been sued no less than six times for bad debts. What’s more is that while Tracy’s workouts may be arguably inventive and effective, (I don’t agree with her at all about not using heavier weights, but whatever) the diets she touts are extremely low calorie and potentially dangerous. She’s not a nutritionist and the only qualification she has to give diet advice is that fact that celebrities use her to get in shape. Does she even have any background or certification in nutrition? I doubt it, especially considering some of the things she thinks we should eat to get thin. Last January, she even told Hello! Magazine that she had no clue about nutrition when she first worked with Madonna and Gwyneth. She said “I was like a doctor who smokes. So addicted to junk food – it’s appalling. Madonna called Gwyneth and said. ‘I am sitting here with Tracy and she is dipping Oreos into Pillsbury icing.’” Anderson claims she’s since cut out the processed food, but again does she have any qualification to give nutritional advice?

The last diet I saw from Tracy was a ridiculous 800 calorie a day diet she gave to US Weekly. Experts recommend at least 1200 calories a day in order to ensure that you’re not starving. Now Tracy is telling us all about her new diet recommendations – a baby food diet that she claims Jennifer Aniston uses, (which Aniston’s rep denies categorically) and another low calorie diet that Gwyneth Paltrow published in her latest issue of Goop. (You can see that diet here, I don’t want to repeat it.)

Anyway, Gwyneth tells us in Goop all about how she lost weight for Iron Man, as if we want to hear about that for the tenth time. She also writes, in her characteristically obnoxious fashion, about how yet another ill-advised low calorie diet and extreme exercise plan helped her obtain her great legs. “This regime got me into the shape of my life and I continue to return to it when I have a specific event so that I can do ridiculous things like be a 37 year old mother of two and wear shorts!” Yes, it’s so ridiculous to wear shorts when you’re post-35 and have children.

There’s also a video on Goop of Tracy doing a workout, and the woman tries so hard to be sexy it’s ridiculous. Comments have of course been disabled on YouTube, because you know how much fun people would be making of Goop and Anderson if they were on.

I’m frankly sorry for even giving more publicity to Paltrow and Anderson. It just goes to show that for every celebrity obsessed with their appearance there’s a scamming sycophant willing to give them the magic formula to achieve that sought-after gaunt look.

Here’s Tracy Anderson with the former head of Madonna’s Malawi charity, Philippe van den Bossche. Madonna dumped Tracy as her trainer shortly after the romance between Philippe and Tracy was made public. Phillippe resigned as head of Madonna’s charity around that time.

Photos are from 5/4/10. Credit: WENN.com

Oh, now this is interesting! Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletter this week is all about “the Tracy Anderson Method” of fitness. For a quick recap, Tracy Anderson is the fitness “guru” who gave Madonna her gristle, and gave Gwyneth and many others a regime of drastic calorie-cutting and three-hour daily workouts. Anderson is also a noted fraud, having defrauded investors and clients out of thousands of dollars throughout her career. The last time we heard about her, Madonna had just fired her under suspicious circumstances.

Anyway, Goopy is standing by her fraudster, probably because Gwyneth claims it was Tracy who helped her shed her “formerly sagging ass”. Oh, Goop! So obscene! Anyway, Goop just puts up her little letter to us and a video of Tracy’s workout (note: below is a different video, with Gwyneth and Tracy, and it‘s not the same as the one of the GOOP site), then calls on testimonials from people like Courtney Cox, Kristen Davis (the Sex and the City star, not the New York madam), and Donna Karan, amongst others. Full GOOP newsletter here.

Tracy Anderson Method
Many of you may already know of my passion for the Tracy Anderson Method and my investment in it. She has kicked my formerly sagging ass into shape and I will be forever grateful. This week, Tracy shares with us a little arm series that I did everyday preparing for Iron Man and that I take on the road. She just made it home-made style for me, lo fi. But it’s good. Especially for the batwing problem. Also, some of her dedicated clients talk about why they love her as much as I do. She has some brand new DVD’s that I have been doing in my hotel room on location and which I highly recommend.
Love, Gwyneth

[From GOOP]

Interesting, isn’t it? It’s like Gwyneth thinks that just because Tracy’s workout might work (and honestly, how could drastically cutting calories and working out for three hours a day NOT WORK?), we should totally gloss over the fraud, the lies, and the bullsh-t. Whatever.

In other Goopy news, Page Six had an interesting little item about Gwyneth’s diva act while she’s filming in Nashville:

Gwyneth Paltrow has moved into the Icon, a luxury building in Nashville, while filming “Love Don’t Let Me Down.” But her rep denied claims of diva behavior. A source had told us that the production laid out more than $100,000 for renovations to a penthouse for Paltrow, hubby Chris Martin and their kids, Apple and Moses, and that Gwynnie brought along two bodyguards, two nannies, a chef and a personal trainer.

But Paltrow’s rep emphatically denied any renovations were done and, “She is not traveling with a personal chef or trainer. Her children are with her for half of the four-week shoot and she has a nanny and one security person with them while she is working.”

[From Page Six]

Eh. I’ll believe part of Goopy’s denial and part of the original story. I bet Gwyneth is a monster diva when she travels, just because she seems like a snotty diva in general. But I doubt she made the hotel do thousands of dollars of renovations and stuff like that.

Celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson has taken another hit, this time with a $1 million lawsuit. It was just this past weekend that news broke about Madonna allegedly firing Tracy. Something about Tracy no longer being welcome on tour with the Madge Vadge, or about Madge being tired of everyone criticizing her gristle. The other theory is that Madge wanted to get away from Tracy’s drama – a pretty smart move, albeit one that came a couple of years too late. Tracy is a noted fraud who has been sued and investigated for financial shenanigans half a dozen times. Now the creditors of Tracy’s ex-boyfriend Glynn Barber (who was defrauded by Tracy) are suing Tracy for $1 million:

AN ex-boyfriend of Madonna’s former trainer, Tracy Anderson, claims she swindled him out of $1 million and drove him into bankruptcy. Anderson — who has been ditched by the Queen of Pop — is being sued by creditors of Glynn Barber, who was persuaded to invest in her company.

In court papers, Barber alleges that during his yearlong relationship with Anderson, he plunged a fortune into financing two fitness studios, a DVD and a Mercedes. But he claims she refused to pay him a return on her profits, forcing him to file for bankruptcy after they split in June 2007.

“She used her female charms to manipulate me to invest $1 million in her company,” Barber told Page Six yesterday. “I was an easy target. She told me she was a Power Ranger. She told me she was in the musical ‘Cats’ for four years. She said her ex-husband, Eric, played for the Knicks . . . None of this turned out to be true.”

When Anderson started training Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna, the two split up, “and she elbowed me out,” Barber said.

Barber, an engineer and machinist, also told us, “I made Madonna’s fitness equipment for $13,000 and Tracy sold it to her for $26,000. She made a fortune from using Madonna’s name.”

Barber said he felt sorry for Anderson’s new boyfriend, Philippe van den Bossche, who quit his job as head of Madge’s Raising Malawi charity to live with Anderson in New York: “I wish there was some way to inform her new boyfriend that he is playing with ‘The Cobra.’ Tracy absolutely has some voodoo capability.”

Anderson denies all of Barber’s allegations in court papers. Her lawyer, Peter Moulinas, didn’t return our call. Her publicist, Julia Van Nice, didn’t return e-mails. When we reached Van Nice by phone, she said, “I am too busy. I am on a conference call.”

[From Page Six]

Okay, I actually feel for this Glynn Barber guy, but he needs to cool it with the whole “she’s such a sexy, manipulative voodoo priestess, I was putty in her hands” crap. She’s a chipmunk-cheeked con artist who sells a daily regiment of 800-calorie diet and two hours of exercise. She found people who wanted to buy the horsesh-t she was selling, and it worked for a short time. She’s not a genius. She’s just like any other con artist who knows her audience.

Tracy Anderson is shown on 4/20/09. Thumbnails below credit: WENN.com

The Gristle has quit her Gristle-Maker. Page Six and Radar are reporting that Madonna has fired her trainer Tracy Anderson. Here’s the background: Tracy Anderson is a self-proclaimed “trainer to the stars” whose celebrity clients include Gwyneth Paltrow and Molly Sims. Her biggest and most devoted client is Madonna. We can thank Tracy for Madge’s gristle, her burly, veiny arms and her lack of any softness on any part of her body. Something about Tracy’s workout regime “works” – if you want to live on 800 calories a day, while working out two to four hours a day, every day, and be made out of gristle. Something about Tracy doesn’t “work” though – she’s a noted crookwho has been sued six times, jailed once (that we know of), stolen property from her business partners, and defrauded previous clients.

All of that didn’t stopped Madonna from bringing Tracy in as part of her inner circle – Tracy was even been on tour with Madge, helping her maintain her gristle on the road. Tracy got to meet other people in Madge’s inner circle, like Philippe van den Bossche, who ran Madge’s sketchy “charity” foundation Raising Malawi. Under van den Bossche’s leadership, $3.7 million raised for the charity is still unaccounted for, so it makes sense that van den Bossche and Tracy would hit it off. Birds of a feather, et cetera. Just a couple of weeks ago, Page Six announced that Philippe was leaving Raising Malawi to live with Anderson. That turned out to be the final nail in the coffin for Madge:

The troubles keep mounting for Tracy Anderson. The celebrity trainer, who has worked with Gwyneth Paltrow and Molly Simms, has been dropped by Madonna, her most notable client, a source close to the singer tells Page Six.

Madonna herself confirmed she was no longer training with Anderson during an interview on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show last week. Asked by Seacrest whether she had “dropped” Anderson, Madonna simply laughed.

According to our source, “Madonna had grown tired of the baggage that Tracy always seemed to be carrying with her. Tracy had grown to be more of a distraction than anything else.”

Also an issue were photos of Madonna that circulated in July that showed her arms to be grotesquely over-muscular. When Anderson was asked about the pictures on the CBS “Early Show,” she laughed and called Madonna her “most devoted client.”

Things between the Material Girl and Anderson might also have gotten personal. We reported last month that Philippe van den Bossche, the former head of Madonna’s Raising Malawi charity, had quit his post in Los Angeles to move to New York to date Anderson. Van den Bossche was quoted as saying that Madonna was “happy” about his relationship with the trainer. But Madge was said to be disappointed when Anderson wouldn’t travel with her on the final leg of her recent European tour until the very end so she could be with Van den Bossche.

Anderson has been in the news before — in December 2006, she was briefly hauled off to jail for failing to pay a $271.32 bill to a chimney sweep. Reached for comment, Anderson’s publicist says, “This is not true. After working together for three years, Tracy and Madonna mutually parted ways because Tracy wanted to look after her son.”

[From Page Six]

So did Tracy jump or was she pushed? I wouldn’t put it past either Tracy or Madonna to end the relationship in some kind of bitchy, horrible way. Tracy could have ended the relationship because a con artist always has a sixth sense about when someone’s on to them, and when they should get the hell out. Meanwhile, Madge is a pretty smart businesswoman, and maybe she finally came to terms with the fact that Tracy’s involvement in her life was bad for business. It could totally be Page Six’s reason too – that Madge was pissed that Tracy wasn’t at Madge’s beck and call anymore. No one is allowed to have a life beyond the Madge Vadge.

Madonna and Tracy are shown out in London on 3/27/08. Credit: BARM/Fame Pictures

Tracy Anderson, Madonna’s infamous scamming trainer, has stolen again. This time it isn’t money; instead she’s stolen the executive director of Madonna’s Raising Malawi organization, Philippe van den Bossche. Now just as a little aside, Raising Malawi is itself a B.S. group. And apparently shysters are attracted to shysters.

Thanks to Madonna, Philippe met Tracy. They apparently fell in love and he had to quit his job. Not because it was a conflict of interest or anything professional, according to him. But because he must spend all his time focusing on his relationship. Focusing on Tracy. They’ve probably got to be around each other all the time so she can make sure he doesn’t go above his 800 calories a day.

The boss of Madonna’s Raising Malawi charity has quit after falling for the star’s ubertrainer, Tracy Anderson. Executive director Philippe van den Bossche, who helped Madonna adopt her daughter, Mercy, is leaving the charity’s Los Angeles headquarters to live with petite but perfect Anderson in New York.

Super-fit Anderson — who’s credited with honing Madonna’s sculpted body — told Page Six: “Philippe and I have been together for eight months, and things are great. I live wherever Madonna is, so Philippe is moving from LA to New York.”

Anderson and van den Bossche became close during the Material Mom’s trips to Malawi to adopt David Banda and Mercy. But his departure has left Madonna less than pleased. Van den Bossche told us, “She was disappointed, as it is hard to find the right people to run the projects you deeply care about. But Madonna is a great friend, and she’s happy for Tracy and me.

“It was a hard decision to resign my position at Raising Malawi, but I feel it’s time to concentrate on my relationship and my future, now that I’ve found the right person.”

[From the NY Post]

Unfortunately, it sounds like this guy has fallen hard. And I’m guessing he forgot to do a little internet research first. Like the fact that Tracy took her ex-boyfriend/ex-business partner for hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of custom exercise equipment he built for her. She’s left all sorts of financial disasters in her wake – leaving everyone else to clean it up.

Yet Tracy Anderson’s former business associates and fitness students in Indiana can’t stop talking about her. They say she sells herself with charisma and succeeds, time and time again, by giving the impression that she is already successful. Even when she was just starting out, Anderson hired a celebrity photographer for promotional photos, drove a luxury SUV through a neighborhood where her husband was thousands of dollars behind on homeowners-association dues, signed leases for businesses but didn’t pay the rent, and lived in a meticulously maintained Noblesville subdivision but didn’t pay the sewer bill. Former business associates say her studio was thousands of dollars behind in payroll taxes when she first traveled to London to sell Madonna on her fitness plan, but she stayed at a $1,500-a-night hotel. “With Tracy,” says a former business partner, Glynn Barber, “it’s all about perception.”

[From the Indianapolis Monthly]

As Celebitchy pointed out, Tracy has also been sued six times and cheated and stolen from her clients. According to the Indianapolis Monthy’s article about her, whether it’s a husband or a dollar, if Tracy can steal it she probably will. Part of me feels badly for Philippe van den Bossche. He’s clearly in love and has gotten taken in by a scam artist. On the other hand, it’s not like he’s some young dumb kid that doesn’t know better. Tracy’s reputation is legendary. And now he’s quit his job to do what… lift dumbbells and check his arms with fat calipers all day? Kiss Tracy’s chipmunk cheeks?

I’d love to say that someday this will all catch up with her. But it’s amazing that Tracy keeps getting business opportunity after business opportunity, and keeps scamming people. Apparently the rules that apply to the rest of us don’t apply to her.

Here’s Tracy spotted out and about in central London on June 22nd. Images thanks to INF Photo.

So Madonna fell off the horse. Lots of jokes were made. While horse falls can be deadly, she walked away relatively unscathed, even though she tried to make a big deal about it in order to blame the paparazzi. Just how unscathed is she? Well Madonna is resuming her two hour workouts with shyster trainer to the stars Tracy Anderson tomorrow. With a normal person you’d say, “Wow, she must be doing really well!” But don’t forget that both Madonna and Tracy are completely insane (and not in the trendy, cute use of the word “insane”) when it comes to working out. If Madge were in a coma, Tracy would be by her bedside for two hours a day, duct taping weights to her hands and lifting her rippled bicepts so she didn’t get flabby. Then ripping the glucose drip from her arm.

Don’t worry about Madonna, who fell off a horse in the Hamptons over the weekend.

“She’s going to be fine. She fell on her butt,” her trainer Tracy Anderson told Usmagazine.com Monday at Cookie Magazine’s Smart Cookie Awards in NYC. “She’s fine.”

How fine?

“We’re going to train tomorrow,” she told Us.

When it comes to working out, “We have our set training,” Anderson said. “She’s like a professional athlete. She can’t mess around with her training. I mean, she has to be able to perform in front of 70,000 people who are sucking the life out of her, and she’s singing and dancing. There are no shortcuts when you’re training in that way.”

Anderson – who also works with Madonna’s pal Gwyneth Paltrow – said the singer trains six days a week, two hours a day, absolutely.”

[From Us Weekly]

Can you believe the nerve of those 70,000 people who pay hundreds of dollars to see Madonna perform? They’re sucking the life out of her! What needy, selfish bastards. Here’s the part where I say the requisite “I’m glad Madonna is okay” bit. I’m glad Madonna is okay. Moving on – I wonder what Madge would look like if she just cut it down to a more reasonable one hour a day workout? She might be a rather fetching lady.

Tracy Anderson (you remember her, the con artist who’s swindled hundreds of people out of thousands of dollars) doesn’t exactly have a look I’d want, which I find confusing. You know how when you go to get your hair cut, you want a stylist with a good do? You never want to go to the one who’s still working the 1986 hair. Anyway, Tracy’s got this compact, squatty frame that makes her look like a little boy. A little boy with the most obvious pair of bolt-on implants I’ve ever seen. They might as well be outside her skin, given how blatant and unsightly they are.

Tracy’s also got oddly round poofy cheeks for someone who’s as tiny as she is. Some incidences of chipmunk-type cheeks like that are said to be due to bulimia. Children’s Hospital’s website notes that bulimics often get “’chipmunk cheeks,’ when the salivary glands permanently expand from throwing up so often.” Tracy’s admitted in interviews that she downs cookies all the time, yet the rest of her body sure doesn’t show it. Unless she’s hiding those cookies in her cheeks, it’s all very questionable.

Maybe that fall off the horse will knock a little sense into Madonna and have her find a healthier fitness trainer.

Here’s Tracy at the Smart Cookie Awards at Lincoln Center in New York City last night. Images thanks to WENN.com .