I really enjoy reading these gossip rags now that I’m in the states for my vacation.

Here’s one of my guilty pleasures, The National Enquirer. Reader Millie says it’s one of the trashier rags, but maybe that’s why I like it so much! I also totally believe a lot of what they write, and my guillibitiy is undoubtedly a big factor in my willingness to reprint most of the crap I read about celebrities.

Here’s a recap of the pictures, below. They’re spot on with most of them, except for Mimi. They use an old fat picture of Mariah Carey and say she’s got one of the best beach bodies. Maybe she’s better looking now, but they didn’t even bother to photoshop it to make her look thinner. Also, Pierce Brosnan’s wife might be heavy, but she’s an attractive woman otherwise and it seems kind of cruel to use a picture from the back. Kudos to Brosnan for defending his wife and not trading her in for a younger model.

Best Beach Bodies, Women:
Beyonce Knowles, 24
Elizabeth Hurley. 41
Jessica Alba, 25
Mariah Carey, 36
Jennifer Aniston, 37
Lisa Rinna, 43
Carmen Electra, 34
Eva Longoria, 31
Cameron Diaz, 33
Scarlet Johansson, 21
Pam Anderson, 39
Michelle Rodriguez, 27

Worst Women:
Keely Shaye Smith (Pierce Brosnan’s wife), 42
Princess Caroline, 49
Kristen Johnston (from “Third Rock”), 38
Aida Turturro (from “The Sopranos”), 43
Martha Stewart, 64
Chelsea Clinton, 26
Queen Latifah, 36
Star Jones, 44
Goldie Hawn, 60

Best Beach Bodies, Men:
LL Cool J, 38
Brad Pitt, 42
Matthew McConaughey, 36 (not so much anymore)
Ty Pennington, 41
Jude Law, 33

Worst Men:
Gerard Depardieu, 57
David Spade, 41
Sean Penn, 45
Ric Ocasek, 57
Ted Kennedy, 74
Michael Douglas, 61
Chris Noth, 51

Cellulite Hall of Fame:
Demi Moore, 43
Jerry Hall, 60
Donatella Versace, 51
Britney Spears, 24
Iman, 50

Best Baby Bellies:
Madonna, 47
Gwyneth Paltrow, 38
Helen Hunt, 43
Kelly Ripa, 35
Britney Spears, 24

Bikini Bloopers and Strange:
Jessica Alba scratching her ass
Paris Hilton scratching her crotch
Kirsten Dunst loosing her top
Goldie Hawn with a face mask and topless suit
Nicolette Sheridan’s top goes to the side
Charlotte Church tries to hold onto her top

I’ll be leaving the US next Tuesday and will be away from the computer for nearly a week I’m sorry to say. I’ll make an official announcement and will do my best to fill in the gaps while I’m gone but things may be quiet around here if I don’t find a guest writer. (If you’d like to write for the blog - please e-mail me at info [at] celebitchy.com. You don’t need a lot of technical knowledge. It would help if you’re familiar with Movable Type, although it’s easy and I can teach you.) I’m going to the French countryside, but since I already live in Europe I can’t get all pretentious about it.

Here are the pictures. I just photographed the magazine and realize they’re not the best quality.

Mischa Barton’s limo was too big to maneuver around some tight curves in London, so the the driver had the former “O.C.” star get out and walk a little bit to get to the UK premiere of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3.” She was accompanied by British talk show hosts Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins of Channel 4’s “Friday Night Project.”

Collins said he loved Barton’s foul mouth and had a great time with the 20 year-old actress:

Britain’s Mirror also reports that Barton said she didn’t “give a s*** where Paris is” when someone told her that she just missed Paris Hilton’s visit to the UK. That’s not surprising since the two have fought in the press before.

Here is Barton getting in her limo and at the “Pirates” premiere. Her dress is too short and the jeweled top and cap sleeves are just odd. Barton is seen with talk show host Justin Lee Collins and has not moved on from Cisco Adler to another shockingly unsuitable suitor.

- Kate Bosworth needs an intervention [BlogNYC]
- Life and Style Magazine paid for Lindsay Lohan’s birthday [Wizbang Pop]
- Did Lindsay Lohan get her boobies back or were they never gone in the first place? [The Bastardly]
- Candy Spelling honors her recently departed husband by selling his mansion for $150 million [Mollygood]
- The disco ball in Madonna’s stage show is based on a Kabbalah UFO. Yes, they have UFOs too. [WWTDD]
- David Hasselhoff got kicked out of Wimbeldon for being too drunk [Hate on]
- Jordan’s video update: Cameron Diaz plans to get fat! [Jordan is your Homeboy]
- Us Weekly fears that the setup behind the Seacrest-Hatcher fake kiss will get out [Jossip]
- Kevin Federline says he realized Papazoa was terrible and he, uh did it to make the rest of his music seem good in comparison [Tabloid Whore]
- Jessica Alba in a bikini [Just Jared]
- Jessica Biel in a bikini [Faded Youth]
- Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: busted again [Popsugar]
- Kenneth Lay dies right before he goes to jail. It should work like the Senate and his wife should step in for him. [Popbytes]

In this month’s issue of Glamour, Ashley Judd did her duty as a B-list celebrity and revealed potentially embarrassing details about her personal life. She said that she underwent in-patient treatment for depression after succumbing to pressure from employees at the facility that was treating her sister, country star Winona Judd, for a food addiction:

We all have issues that could benefit from therapy, and I enjoyed nice outpatient visits with a kind woman who usually took my side when I told stories about my lousy ex-boyfriend. It sounds like Judd was sold a bill of goods, though. Listen to how she explains “therapy:”
“My behaviors were treated like addictions. And those behaviors were killing me spiritually, the same as someone who is sitting on a corner with a bottle in a brown paper bag.”

This sounds like an oversimplified way to view one’s issues. There are lots of different schools of thought and accompanying therapies that can be effective, but treating everything like an addiction doesn’t seem like a very constructive way to work through one’s emotional issues.

If it worked for Judd that’s great though, and she deserves credit for being open and honest about what she went through.

Here is Ashley Judd at a Cartier party in early June with Salma Hayek, and at the Indianapolis 500 celebration in late May with her husband, Scottish racecar driver Dario Franchitti. Judd, 38, has been married to Franchitti, 33, since 1999. The couple divides their time between Tennessee and Scotland.

2002 “Survivor: Thailand” winner Brian Heidik, 38, shot a defenseless puppy with a bow and arrow after coming home drunk at 3:30 in the morning. When his estranged wife asked him about it, he said he was “tired of stupid dogs on my back porch.” Luckily for the puppy, Heidik is a bad shot:

Heidik’s defense was that he mistook the 3 month-old dog for a coyote that had killed two of his five year-old son’s pet ducks.

Heidik appeared in several soft-core porn films before his “Survivor” win and says he is now producing a reality hunting show. He can’t shoot or recognize prey, so it will either be a very bad or very entertaining series.

Heidik’s wife says that he’s never really adjusted to life post-Survivor and that he thinks he’s “invincible.”

The couple has several domestic battery incidents, with both Heidik and his wife alledging they were hit by the other. They are legally separated but have not yet filed for divorce.

Avril Lavigne must have had a tame bachelorette party because her fiance, Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley, attended too. They celebrated on June 30th in LA:

Speculation is rampant that Lavigne and Whibley will marry this weekend, with reports that they have already notified friends and family:

This could definitely be true, because Lavigne was said to want a summer wedding, and to be planning for children right away.

It is uncertain whether Lavigne is already pregnant. We spotted a bump on the slender singer in several recent pictures, but in these photos from the end of June it doesn’t seem to have grown enough to substantiate pregnancy rumors.

Here is Avril at her bachelorette party outside of Koi and at Hyde nightclub on 6/25. Pictures from Hollywood’s Best and originally from Alavigne.com.br.

This baby just does not exist or something is wrong with it. People claim that Cruise is holding Suri back because of his wacko cult religion, Scientology, or because he didn’t get enough cash for the photos, but there hasn’t even been a bundle photographed. Now his celebrity friends claim to have never seen the mystery spawn, either:

Even if they wanted to shield the baby from the negative influence of the media or whatever, we still would have seen Katie or a nanny/Scientology handler out walking with a stroller or holding a covered bundle.

Katie even went to her parent’s house in Ohio at the end of May, and there were no photographs of the supposed baby.

All we have to vouch for Suri’s existence is a report from an “eyewitness” who saw a bundle from very far away.

Readers of Celebrity Baby Blog came up with several plausible theories to explain the Suri mystery:

WTF is going on? They better procure a baby that sort of looks like them fast, because this is turning into one of the biggest Hollywood scandals ever.

Header image is an original illustration by the Grumpy Old Indian Man. Images of Tom Cruise from late June. [via]

I am off to enjoy the rest of the day. It looks like I will post filler stuff next Wednesday through Friday, but a girl has to go on vacation sometime.

- Jen and Vince are not engaged after dating for over a year. We just aren’t comfortable with that. [Mollygood]
- Kate Moss is dating Pete Doherty’s friend, Anthony Rossomando, the guitarist for the group Dirty Pretty Things. [Celebguru]
- Kate Moss snorts cocaine, earns more [yeeeah]
- The Suri Cruise mystery makes the cover of Us Weekly [I’m not obsessed]
- Jordan is a marketing genius [A Socialite’s Life]
- Jessica Simpson spotted with Dane Cook again. [smart]
- Lindsay Lohan’s breast implant scar [OMG Blog]
- Lindsay Lohan in August 2006 GQ Magazine [The Bastardly]
- Jake Gyllenhaal has a hairy chest [Barbie Martini]
- Photos of a drunk David Hasselhoff getting kicked out of Wimbeldon [The Wade Blogs]

Shannon Doherty will appear as a guest co-host on the asanine roundtable women’s talk show, “The View.” The otherwise forgettable show made headlines with the high-profile exit of cohost and former fatty Star Jones last week. Jones royally pissed off Barbara Walters by blabbing that she was leaving two days before the announcement was planned. She also told People Magazine that she felt like she was fired, since her contract wasn’t renewed. Now that Doherty is going to step in temporarily, we can all commence forgetting about Star:

Doherty seems like a good choice to fill in for Star on a trial basis, since she’s also generally considered a bitch with no career prospects. I think the last thing I saw her in was “Scare Tactics” on the SciFi channel. (I really enjoyed that show actually. It was one of the more inventive and entertaining reality shows.) She is also starting a new reality show on the Oxygen network in which she gives advice to people who are breaking up with their romantic partners.

Singer Brandy is slated to guest host on The View tomorrow and People wonders if she could replace Star. For now all the guest hosts are auditioning and it seems like it will be a while before a replacement is announced.

Meanwhile Star Jones has a new job. She has a mere one-week hosting job on the rather boring “Househunters” on HGTV. I’ve seen that show about four times and it always turns out the same. I’d like to see a couple not find the perfect bungalow for once and just decide to stay in their current house.

Here is Shannon Doherty at various events looking smug as usual. [via] She is shown with her former “Charmed” co-star, Holly Marie Combs.

No one placed a bid on the package of memorabilia from the Nicole Kidman-Keith Urban wedding last weekend. The Australian seller wanted over $3,700 USD for the items, which look fancy but not too exciting:

The auction ended July 3rd with 0 bids, but that may just be due to the fact that it hasn’t been publicized yet. Someone is surely stupid or crazed enough to pay almost 4k for that stuff.

The seller has a positive feedback rating of 14, and has only bought, not sold, items in the past. In the past 30 days they’ve bid on L’oreal lipgloss and bought a Thomas the Tank engine print, so they’re likely a mom that could use the cash. I would guess it’s someone who worked at the reception.

If you’d like a piece of the Kidman-Urban wedding you still have a chance. The wedding booklet is up for auction by another less-reputable seller at a more reasonable starting bid of $260 USD. The auction ends in about a week.

Here are the pictures of the stuff from eBay as well as some candids of Nicole and Keith celebrating the 4th of July. [via]