In related news Oxygen No Longer Free … Bush wins Nobel Peace Prize … Paris Hilton births new Jesus … Up officially moved to Down.

But seriously folks … in some truly hilarious although theologically and historically ignorant reporting the folks over at handbag write:

Naomi Campbell has dismissed rumours that she is planning to join a Brazilian religious group with links to witchcraft

The supermodel was linked to the Candomble faith, which was traditionally practised by African slaves in Brazil.

As if Naomi Campbell would need a religious justification for her blatantly evident witch-ness — Religions usually require faith … Campbell’s witch status is largely in the realm of scientific proof … like gravity … which she also uses for her own evil purposes when chucking bejeweled cell phone missiles at her cowering minions.

However, she has now said that just because she knows people who are involved with Candomble, that doesn’t make her a follower.

Demonstrably true as she also know several people who don’t beat their employees bloody and has shown no signs of following their example.

She told the New York Daily News: ‘I’m Church of England, Protestant. I was christened that.”

As if the Church of England didn’t have enough problems … what with Charles and Camilla and the questionable parentage of the less important ginger Prince …

Naomi, 36, did admit she uses prayer to try and calm her famous fiery temper.
She said: “I work on myself daily. I work on my programme of meditation and prayer and try to stick to it. It’s important to me.

(via Female First)

That’s pretty much the nail in the coffin on discussions about the efficacy of prayer … good we finally got that one settled.

American Idol is back in full force, and the best of the worst are paraded out and ridiculed for your gawking pleasure. The clueless, attention-seekers, and people who are a little bit touched wait days for the priviledge of being mocked by Simon and slurred at with pity by Paula. Randy usually waits to hear what Paula or Simon says and then repeats it, as if he’s playing the children’s game of the same name but doesn’t quite get the rules.

Judges are under fire for being exceptionally cruel to bad contestants this year. Simon called one kid who was a little slow a “bush baby,” saying “you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes.” The kid handled it really well, staying positive and telling Simon “that’s your opinion, you’re entitled to it.” The NY Times notes that the guy the fat guy, not this guy is mentally handicapped, because his old school biography lists him as participating in the Special Olympics.

Producers say people know what they’re in for because they pull this shit every season, and the viewers love it. Simon sort-of apologized in a later statement, saying “.. If he’s offended, then I apologize. I might never call anyone a bush baby again.”

Here’s another audition by a Utah computer programmer who takes himself too seriously:

My favorite comment on this video on YouTube was by akaso405, who said “How come nobody ever knows when they suck balls???”

Rosie O’Donnell added her enlightened commentary to the American Idol controversy, (link leads to video) saying “Isn’t that what America thinks is entertainment? To make fun of someone’s physical apperance, and when they leave the room, laugh hysterically at them? Three millionaires, one probably intoxicated?”

“Ever since they started making fun of that guy… William Hung… If you keep serving people crap and telling them that it’s a meal, they’re eventually going to think that it’s a meal.”

She has a point that it’s cruel. Joy Behar said “This is like the new freak show… there’s an appetite for this.” Rosie said that if they put on good singers and showed all the contestants who almost made it that people would watch it too. Maybe they’re aren’t enough decent singers that don’t get picked in the first round, though.

While they shouldn’t make fun of the way people look, it seems well within their rights to make fun of the way they sing, since it’s a singing contest and all. There is such a thing as junk food entertainment. We proudly serve it, and think it’s a metaphor Rosie should be able to understand.

Viewers are eating it up. This season’s premiere was the most-watched show on Fox in six years, with over 37 million people tuning in.

Header picture from ONTD

Update: thanks to everyone who pointed out that it was the fat guy, not this bush baby guy, who is listed as mentally handicapped on his school bio.

I wanted to avoid talking about this, because homophobes are so 1987, but Isaiah Washington called his co-star on Grey’s Anatomy, T.R. Knight the f word while they were on set back in October, prompting a fight with fellow star Patrick Dempsey, who came to Knight’s defense. Knight has since come out of the closet, making Washington look like even more of a douche.

Then during a Golden Globes interview, Washington invoked the terrible f word again while denying that the incident happened, and tried to backtrack by saying how much he loves the gays.

Their other co-star Katherine Heigl chimed in, saying Washington should STFU about it and not ruin everyone’s special night. ABC was forced to issue a statement saying they have a good work environment and don’t condone Washington’s behavior, and Washington has finally apologized with a statement admitting that he is the idiot that everyone has been calling him.

Here’s Heigl’s second statement about it. She says they need to stop talking about it, it’s hurtful, and that T.R. is her “best friend in the whole world.”

Can they fire this guy and can we move on now?

Header image is original art for Celebitchy by UrbanDK. Video is from TMZ.

Clown-faced Cameron Diaz ignored the cardinal rule of breakups - act like you’re having a good time and ignore the bastard. She was said to have followed Justin Timberlake to two different Golden Globes after-parties, and to have had an awkward talk with him. She even got all up in gorgeous Jessica Biel’s face after she saw Biel talking to Timberlake. That doesn’t seem like a smart move considering that Biel could probably kick her ass. Diaz has crazy going for her, though, and sometimes that trumps brawn.

CAMERON Diaz is not over Justin Timberlake just yet, and things got heated when she saw her ex chatting up Jessica Biel in L.A. after the Golden Globes. Sources say the temperamental star “blew up” at Biel after she saw Timberlake flirting with her. Diaz followed Timberlake to the In Style party at the Hilton Oasis, where “they had an awkward conversation.” The “Charlie’s Angels” star then trailed Timberlake to the Beverly Hilton rooftop for the Universal party, where she found him chatting up Biel - and screamed at the “Illusionist” star. “If that’s how she wants to get him back, it won’t work,” said our insider. “She’s desperate.” Reps for Diaz did not return our call.

It’s just common sense not to act all crazy around your ex. Do not contact him. That means no drunk dialing! If you want to get him back, and are willing to go through all the crap you dealt with for him but are conveniently ignoring due to fresh heartache, then you have to feel good about yourself. Go hang out with your friends, get a new hairdo, exercise, and spoil yourself. Once you feel good again you’ll realize you’re better off without him anyway.

Update Here are pictures of Diaz at LAX yesterday showing her fab fashion sense. Thanks to Celebrity Puke.

Heather Mills brought all sorts of ridiculous claims against beloved rocker Paul McCartney in their divorce proceedings. She claims he choked her, cut her with a wine glass, and pushed her on top of a coffee table during their four year marriage. Mills is known to be a serial liar, is said to have invented colorful stories from her past, and was even found to be impersonating a journalist also named Heather Mills. Everyone from her father to the guy who introduced her to Sir Paul has discredited her, and most people think that her claims against Paul are ridiculous and unfounded.

Heather even said that Paul was abusive to his first wife, Linda. One piece of evidence in Heather’s favor may have been the hours of audiotaped conversations between Paul’s wife Linda and her friend Peter Cox, with whom she collaborated on a vegetarian cookbook published in 1989. McCartney paid Cox an amazing $380,000 for the tapes, and people assumed he was doing it to ensure that none of the intimate details of his first marriage would be released to the public during his divorce proceedings.

Now The National Enquirer reports that a Beatles biographer has hours of audiotape from Paul McCartney’s stepmother and stepsister in which they claim that he was cruel to his ailing father and has always treated them with contempt. If you read what they’re saying, it sounds like they didn’t get along with him and are bitter and pissed off that he didn’t support them:

[Beatles biographer] Giuliano says Heather’s claims of abuse by McCartney are very similar to allegations made by Ruth and Angie. [Paul’s stepmother and stepsister]

“For decades there has been a code of silence around Paul. Now Heather has blown the lid on it,” Guiliano told The Enquirer.

“There is clearly more than the kernel of truth in what Heather has said - I’d say more like the whole cob.”

Angie married Paul’s father Jim in 1964 when Ruth - Angie’s daughter from a prior marriage - was just 4 years old. Paul stayed for extended periods with the trio in a five-bedroom house that he had bought for Jim.

“It seemed like a kind thing to do, but Paul ruled the house like a tyrant when he was there, and would remind Angie and his father they should be grateful for his genorosity,” revealed Guiliano.

On the tapes, Angie said that when Paul was upset, he would shriek: “Don’t forget I put every crumb of food in your mouth!”

“I never forgot that,” said Angie.

Angie also told Giuliano that Jim had bitter arguments with Paul for smoking marijuana in the house.

“Jim knew that he smoked pot and didn’t like it,” said Angie.

“My dad would say to Paul, ‘Don’t be doing that here,’” recalled Ruth. “And then it would break down into the ‘Whose house is this?’ argument.

“this is my bloody house - I’ll do what I want,” Paul allegedly told them.

[from The National Enquirer print edition, January 15, 2007]

That all sounds like pretty tame, normal family arguments to me, like stuff that could be blown out of proportion. If this is true maybe the sister was snotty to him or something and he shot back at her, and maybe he did get pissed at his dad for telling him not to smoke pot in the house. That doesn’t sound so damning to me.

The article goes on to give what must be the two worst incidents the stepmother and mother told this author. Paul was said to have once yelled at his arthritic father to get up and walk and to have told him that his illness was in his mind. He also supposedly patted his stepsister on the butt while she was passing him in the hall after taking a shower. She was only 13 at the time, had filled out early and was embarrased to run into Paul when she was just in a towel. He said “My, my, my… Look at you, you’re getting to be a big girl. You’re growing up, aren’t you?”

Everyone says that Paul is an exemplary, peaceful man except for Heather Mills and his stepmother and stepsister. Their book was never published because it’s clear they don’t have much dirt on him. From their statements about Paul, it sounds like they didn’t get along with him, wanted to get money from him and failed. If Paul has an abusive personality the news would have come out sooner than this. As it is, there are only these two claims that are motivated by greed.

Update: I am not implying that it is ok to grab a 13 year-old’s butt and make sexual comments about her, that’s deplorable if it happened. I’m not sure how much of it is true and that’s what I was trying to say here.

Ever-trustworthy National Enquirer has the story that O.J. Simpson’s longterm girlfriend got fed up with his jealous ways and dumped his ass, moving out of his house in Miami. He seemed to be pulling the same creepy stuff he did before he murdered Nicole. He was paranoid about her, thought she was cheating on him, and called up her friends to see where she was going whenever she left the house. He also thought he was being super cool by going out with another woman to make her jealous, even though he had no evidence that she was seeing anyone else:

Christie Prody, 31, O.J. Simpson’s lover for the past 10 years, walked out the day after Christmas, fed up with his suspicions that she was seeing other men.

“O.J. hasn’t been happy with anything lately,” an insider said. “Even though he got $2 million up front in his book deal, he lost $1.5 million when it was dropped.”

Sitting at home - fuming about his publisher pulling the plug on his tell-all book, “If I Did It” - O.J. turned on Christie. “If she left the house, he thought she was seeing another man. He was calling frinds asking if they’d seen Christie,” the insider said. “One of O.J.’s pals gave him the idea to make her jealous - go on a blind date.”

The buddy set up O.J. with a blonde and he took her to a Miami club. The plan backfired. “Christie didn’t care that he dated another woman, and she couldn’t take constant questioning on who she’s with,” said an insider.

After a furious fight, O.J. flew to Vail, Colorado, on Dec. 26 with his kids, and Christie moved out of his Miami home.

[From The National Enquirer print edition, January 15, 2007]

There was a story just a couple of weeks ago that O.J. was addicted to Oxycontin, which was making him paranoid and jealous.

What surprised me is that this chick has been with O.J. for ten years, which would mean that she was 21 when she started dating him. According to a report that came out 5 years after O.J.’s circus of a trial, she was a cocktail waitress when she met him and believed that O.J. was framed by police.

Prody doesn’t seem so innocent herself and O.J. just might have met his match in the ten years they dated on and off. In July, 2005 Police were called to a domestic disturbance incident at O.J.’s place where Prody was said to have attacked O.J. and a neighbor who was trying to jump start her car. About five years ago, she also apparently left her pet cat to die unfed in an apartment she failed to visit for a month. There are numerous other incidents involving Prody, O.J. and the police that don’t warrant retelling, but leave her looking abusive and unstable.

Prody’s mother said after one of their alleged fights that her daughter’s relationship with the old football star aquitted for murder “Seems more and more like a Nicole and O.J. relationship all the time.”

Not so much now that this one got away.

As if we needed any more proof that OJ killed his wife and the poor guy who happened to be returning her sunglasses, OJ’s houseguest and witness at his trial, Kato Kaelin, made a statement suggesting he knows more about the murder than he testified. He said “What do you mean if” when asked what he thought about OJ’s book:

Kaelin was asked about Simpson’s disgusting book, “If I Did It.” His response — “What do you mean ‘if’?”

The criminal and civil trials were my life for two years. I covered it for the CBS affiliate in L.A. and it was the only topic in my life. Trust me, Kato knew a lot more than he told. Remember, he claims he was awakened by a thump that shook the walls of the guesthouse — that was Simpson hitting the A.C. (no, not Cowlings, the air conditioner).

Remember; before the murders, Simpson and Kato drove to McDonald’s together. There are a lot of stories about what they did and what they said during that McRun. At the very least, O.J. Simpson was in a rage after getting snubbed by Nicole, and he was always willing to rant even when people weren’t in the mood to listen. Kato the houseguest was obligated to listen.

And one more thing — there’s no doubt in my mind that Kato heard a lot of commotion after Simpson left for the airport. Double murder is a messy business, and there was plenty to clean and discard that night. I don’t think Kato was part of the cleaning crew, but I think he knew exactly who was.

Meanwhile two women claim that OJ taught them the trick he used to make it look like the bloody glove didn’t fit his hand. His lawyer Johnnie Cochran famously said “if the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.” The women say that OJ told them it was Cochran’s idea to perform a parlor trick in court. He stiffened his thumb and bent it, making it impossible to fit the glove on his hand.

Simpson’s book “If I Did It” was canned by publishers after public sentiment rallied against the presumed killer cashing in on a double murder. A high profile interview about the book on Fox news was similarly cancelled. Simpson received a $3.5 million advance for the book, which he admitted was “already spent.”

Bill Cosby just settled a case out of court with a woman who claimed he drugged and raped her two years ago. Probably the main reason he settled the case was the fact that there were 13 women willing to testify in court that Cosby had done the exact same thing to them! Two of the women lined up to testify are telling their story to People Magazine. The two former models say that they had beverages while hanging out with Cosby in the 80s and that they woke up hours later feeling sick and with their clothes off. Both of them ended up having relationships with him, which doesn’t mean that their stories aren’t true, just that they were impressionable and rather stupid to keep seeing Cosby afterwards. One of them was just 18 at the time.

The allegations came out after Cosby settled out of court last month a civil lawsuit charging him with sexual assault and drugging a woman in Philadelphia in 2004.

The trial had 13 witnesses lined up, listed as “Jane Does,” who stood ready to testify of similar experiences with the comic.

Barbara Bowman and Beth Ferrier were two of the 13, and both were interviewed and pictured in the People story. The two were represented by JF Images when they were introduced to Cosby in the ’80s. (Neither woman had come forward before, and they do not stand to profit from the allegations as the statute of limitations has expired, according to People.)

Bowman, who is married and now lives in a Phoenix suburb, was 18 when she says Farrell arranged to have her meet Cosby at a Denver nightclub, Turn of the Century. People magazine says Farrell then arranged for Bowman to move to New York, where her professional relationship with Cosby continued. Bowman says that in a Reno hotel in 1986, “(Cosby) took my hand and his hand over it, and he masturbated with his hand over my hand.”

She goes on to say that soon she was in a New York townhouse with Cosby, who gave her a glass of red wine. “The next thing I know,” she is quoted, “I’m sick and nauseous and I’m delusional and I’m limp and … I can’t think straight. … And I just came to, and I’m wearing a (men’s) T-shirt that wasn’t mine, and he was in a white robe.”

Ferrier, a single mom who still lives in Denver, says she was introduced to Cosby by Farrell in the mid-’80s. She tells People that Cosby was her mentor, a “father figure” to her, when she drank some cappuccino in his Denver dressing room and blacked out.

“I woke up in my car in the parking lot with my clothes all a mess,” she tells People. “I was definitely drugged. All I had to drink was coffee, and the room was spinning. Then I wake up with my clothes a mess and my bra unhooked. I wondered, I still wonder, ‘What did he do with me? Why was my bra unhooked? What happened?”‘

Ferrier went on to have an “on-and-off” consensual affair with Cosby for several years.

[via Fark]

Bill Cosby is pretty much on my shit list after he tried to sue Waxy.org for reposting a parody cartoon of him as a wacky clone called “House of Cosbys.” He also drew heat after blaming African-Americans for their plight post-Katrina.

If this shit is true he needs to do some jail time. Unfortunately the statute of limitations is up, so that means that these women can’t bring up their own charges or profit from their stories. He’ll be 70 next year, so it’s surprising that he was pulling this same stunt and was caught at it just two years ago. He’s been married to Camille Cosby since 1964 and they have five children together.

It looks like Borat is the reason behind the breakup of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock’s less than four-month marriage. Pam screened the movie for Kid, in which she makes a cameo as herself with Borat throwing a bag over her head and chasing her around. She looks like she’s really bothered by the whole thing and is caught offguard, but word is she was in on the joke. Kid was so upset at her performance that he called her a slut in front of everyone. That’s pretty much when their really solid marriage broke down:

“Ron Meyer held a screening of ‘Borat’ at his house for a bunch of people, including Pam and Bob,” says an Anderson pal. “It was the first time Bob [Kid Rock] had seen the movie, and, well, he didn’t like it.”

The hugely popular film shows Sasha Baron Cohen - in character as Borat Sagdiyev - falling in love with Anderson after seeing her in a “Baywatch” rerun, then driving across America in order to propose marriage to her.

Her friend tells Page Six, “Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, ‘You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that movie?’ - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing.

“Pam thought he could have a sense of humor about the movie. She was in on the gag from the very beginning and loved doing the movie. And on the eve of what was supposed to be a very positive thing, he made it an awful night.

“Ever since that night, it has been icicles between them,” the friend relates. “Bob is just a very unhappy and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know, there are reasons why she never married him before. Those reasons disappeared while they were together on a boat in St. Tropez, but she knows now that they never went away. The reality is he is an insecure, angry man….

“Pam is just very happy to not be in the same house with so much passive-aggressive hostility in it,” the friend adds.

My husband would be overjoyed if Borat stalked me and I made it into a movie. Kid Rock must have a real problem.

Amid reports that Angelina Jolie’s bodyguards roughed up young children and their parents at a school and used the epithet “bloody Indians,” the Jolie-Pitts are returning to America. Jolie’s haughty denial of the incident blames the paparazzi and claims that her bodyguards can’t be racist because her family is of “mixed race.” Isn’t that like using the “I have black friends” excuse?

“It is not surprising that the press involved failed to mention their share of the responsibility in the chaos,” Jolie said.

“As for this horrible rumor that someone referred to a local man as a ‘bloody Indian,’ let me say this: I would never work with anyone that was derogatory towards another man’s race. My family is of mixed race.”

Three of the bodyguards were arrested by Indian police and released on bail. Brad Pitt and Angelina’s co-star Irfan Khan personally apologized to Indian authorities after the incident. The bodyguards, including notorious murder suspect Mickey Brett, must meet with police every day for a week until they go to court on November 23rd.

If Brad Pitt can apologize to the police chief, why can’t Angelina say she’s “sorry for the confusion” and take a more contrite stance? Maybe it’s true that the paparazzi caused the chaos and that it’s just a rumor that someone used the Muslim religion as a slur, but Angelina could have sidestepped the blame and still said she was sorry for the hurt that was caused. She sounds bitchy in that statement, and even if she feels targeted she should have backed down.

This is not the first time her bodyguards have been accused of brutality. Brett was videotaped choking a photographer, and another photographer says he was threatened with a gun after trying to hand Angelina his business card. In Namibia journalists claimed that Brett and his thugs followed them and threatened their life, and he was said to have beat a man to a pulp while little Maddox watched.

IndiaGlitz reports that Brad and Angelina and their family are flying back to the US today, and most of India probably says “good riddance.” This is the first I’ve read that they’re leaving, and we’ll have to see what happens to production of “A Mighty Heart,” which was said to be delayed by this latest scandal.

Pictures from Socialite’s Life and Splash News Online.