Howard Stern and his crew routinely take celebrity audiobooks and mix and match words and syllables to create rude and outrageous phrases that sort-of sound like they’re coming from the celebrity. The results are creatively stupid and often disgusting toilet humor, a fraction of which might pass as an actual sentence but most of which sounds outrageous and stilted. Howard and Robin present the phrases like they’re real and talk about how crazy it is that the person would be saying that, but it’s glaringly fake and it’s doubtful anyone believes it. Former Star Trek star George Takei has gone on the show when people are prank-called using mixes of his books. He’s laughed through it all good-naturedly, likening the results to raunchy audio Picassos.

One of the latest celebrities to be subjected to an audiobook sampling mix is 62 year old country legend Dolly Parton, and hers was definitely obnoxious and insulting. Phrases included:
God damn I love n*r cock
Kenny Rogers loves to piss inside little boys a*holes
Linda Rondstadt is a really fat tub of sh*t

Instead of trying to ignore it or saying that it was an obvious manipulation, Parton issued a statement that it really upset her and that she’s considering suing:

Dolly Parton has hit back against “The Howard Stern Show,” which last week manipulated recordings from one her audio books into seemingly racist and sexually graphic sound bites.

“I have never been so shocked, hurt and humiliated in all my life,” Parton says in a statement. “I cannot believe what Howard Stern has done to me. In a blue million years, I would never have such vulgar things come out of my mouth. They have done editing or some sort of trickery to make this horrible, horrible thing. Please accept my apology for them and certainly know I had nothing to do with this.”

“If there was ever going to be a lawsuit, it’s going to be over this,” she continued. “Just wanted you to know that I am completely devastated by this.”

[From Billboard.com via Gossip Rocks]

The phrases attributed to Parton involved the n word and pedophilia so you can see how she would get extremely upset about it. I listened to a bunch of these mixups, they’re below, and some were definitely funny but they went too far in many cases. That’s pretty much expected for Howard Stern, but you can’t blame Parton for saying that it’s way out of line and that she’s really hurt by it.

When I heard this I thought that Parton might have a new book out from which they’re sampling, but her biography Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business came out over 10 years ago.

Here are some clips from the Howard Stern show in which they do these audiobook mixes - warning on all of these. Don’t listen if you have kids around or are at work without headphones, they’re raunchy.

Dolly Parton Audiobook Mashup

Ed McMahon audiobook

George Takei “calls” a self-professed Hillbilly

George Takei Deli Prank

Nasty Oprah Audiobook, featuring George Takei in the studio

Dolly Parton is shown on 5/1/08 on her way to play Radio City Music Hall, thanks to WENN.

If Dr. Phil didn’t have an image problem after revealing confidential details of Britney Spears’ medical condition, he sure has one now. Six teen girls lured a 16 year-old classmate to a house in Florida on March 30 and beat her, recording it all on video. They wanted to post the video on YouTube and MySpace, and had two teen males serve as lookout while they put their inexplicably cruel plan in action. The victim was beaten about the head and face and lost consciousness after her head was slammed against the wall repeatedly. She woke up and was beaten and yelled at by the gang of girls again. All but one of the 8 suspects was under 18, but they are all being charged as adults.

The suspects were charged with kidnapping, felony battery, and witness tampering, and their bail was set high, at over $30,000 each, to reflect the seriousness of the crime.

The judge issued a media gag order on Thursday to make sure that details of the case were not leaked to the press, potentially hurting the suspects’ chance at a fair trial. That didn’t stop the Dr. Phil show from trying to get an exclusive story about this sensational and terribly brutal crime. They sent one of their lackeys down to Florida to bail the ringleader, Mercades Nichols, out of jail in exchange for her story.

When Dr. Phil got called out for footing bail to the tune of $33,000 for Nichols, he issued a statement blaming an employee and saying the planned show had been canceled. He said “In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines (re: the bail being paid)” But the “employee” that paid for bail was just a production assistant, he didn’t have that kind of money and it’s not like he could have come up with it without top-level approval at the Dr. Phil show.

People are saying the end is near for Dr. Phil and that this is the stunt that is going to bring his show down. It will hopefully result in an awful lot of jail time for those cruel teens too.

Here’s some coverage of this story on The Today Show, thanks to Redlasso:

I knew it was going to happen, but that doesn’t make it any less disgusting. America’s most famous hooker, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, has been invited by Donald Trump to join the cast of his new MTV reality show. Commence groaning now.

An insider at Donald Trump’s newly announced My Fair Lady-style MTV reality show tells PEOPLE that infamous call girl Ashley Alexander Dupré has been asked to join the cast.

The still-untitled show, produced by Donald Trump Productions (and referred to in some press reports as “Lady or a Tramp”) was picked up by MTV for eight hour-long episodes. Based on a British show called Ladette to Lady, the show will take a group of 15 hard-partying young women and send them off to a boarding school environment where they’ll learn to become more ladylike.

“She’s the perfect candidate,” the show insider says of Dupré, the 22-year-old at the center of the Gov. Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal. The show has not yet heard back from Dupré with any reaction to the offer.

Donald Trump could not immediately be reached for comment.

The Donald has had some experience reforming hard-partying young women in the past, of course. He famously sent Miss USA Tara Conner to rehab and gave her a “second chance” to keep her crown in December of 2006.

[From People]

I hate Donald Trump- and now, I have a whole new reason for my hatred. Since his last few seasons of “The Apprentice” were boring and contrived and nobody watched, he’s looking to include controversial people to the cast of his new show. However, the last thing this stupid little hobag Dupre needs is a reality show. She’s already an attention whore in addition to being a professional whore! What should happen is that she becomes a pariah and fades into obscurity where she belongs. I really hope this show tanks.

The open animosity between former spouses Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards just keeps boiling. After Denise went to court to gain the right to feature their two young daughters on her upcoming reality show, Sheen and fiancé, Brooke Mueller, have gone on the offensive, urging people to boycott the show and calling it exploitive. Now, Sheen is placing the blame squarely on the tiny head of the show’s executive producer, Ryan Seacrest.

Charlie Sheen is so furious with Ryan Seacrest for producing his ex-wife’s upcoming reality show that he wants to punch the TV host’s lights out–and that’s no “Idol” threat, say sources.

The “Two and a Half Men” star has been locked in a bitter feud with Ryan ever since Seacrest and E! Entertainment signed a deal with Denise Richards for a summertime series and her two small children with Sheen, Sam, 3, and Lola, 2.

“Charlie opposed this thing right from the start,” a pal told the Enquirer. “He thinks it’s wrong for Denise and Ryan to be exploiting the kids.”

Charlie, 42, was so livid her took the matter to court, but a judge gave the project a green light. After that, Charlie — who has been friends with Ryan, 33, for more than 12 years– called the “Idol” host several times, trying to convince him to stop working on the series.

But Ryan refused to budge, saying, “I’m sorry, but this isn’t about friendship, it’s about business.”

Charlie screamed at him: “How could you do this to me?” said the source. “How can you allow my children to be used as pawns like this just so you and Denise can make money off them? The two of you are despicable! You are the scum of the earth, lower than low! And you better watch out, pal. Right now, I’m so mad I could punch your lights out!”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, March 3, 2008]

The article goes on to say that Sheen’s publicist denies that this conversation ever happened. But I, for one, hope that this time, The Enquirer is right. I’d love to see Charlie wipe the floor with Ryan Seacrest, although it wouldn’t really be a fair fight. I’m so sick of Seacrest and his ridiculous antics. He’s been humping America’s leg for seven years as the host of “Idol,” and his ego seems to be out of control, as evidenced by his completely inappropriate interviewing skills during the red carpet segment of the Academy Awards.

The real victims in this whole situation are Sam and Lola. There has not been a single indication in these girls’ young lives that they have any desire to be in the public eye– in fact, every time Denise drags them to a movie premiere or event, they looks absolutely miserable. Why does she insist on thrusting them into the spotlight when they clearly do not want this kind of lifestyle?

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are shown below at An Evening with “Two and a Half Men” at The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences on 2/27/08, thanks to PRPhotos.

Hulk Hogan is such a great father. Even though his fugly wife left him and his fugly daughter is a laughingstock who performs at malls shows, the only thing that matters to Hulk is his fugly, moronic 17-year-old son Nick. You know, the one that left his friend in a permanent vegetative state after slamming into a tree while drag racing. And then the whole family blamed the poor friend, John Graziano, for his injuries since he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. You can see why calling them fugly is the nicest thing I can say. I can’t even begin to dissect the makeup of their characters – that assumes they have character.

Hulk’s wife Linda has filed for divorce, prompting many to wonder if the Hogans are only divorcing to protect their assets from the massive civil litigation that’s coming from John Graziano’s family. Who knows what their reasons are – and I don’t like to give any of them an inch of credit for anything – but I first read about divorce rumors last winter, at least six months before Nick’s August car crash. Anyway, the Hulk is stepping up and just being the greatest father ever, and showing us that he really has his priorities in line.

“I had some crazy days, and some things that caught me off guard,” the former wrestler and star of VH-1’s Hogan Knows Best, 54, admitted at an American Gladiators press gathering. “[I’m] riding the highs, surviving the lows, and leaning into the wind. It’s all an attitude thing to me. Being positive and knowing that things are going to get better.” After son Nick, 17, was involved in a car accident last summer in which the passenger still remains in critical condition, “My main concern in life is my son, and his situation with the boy in the car,” says Hogan. “Everything seems to be getting better in that situation.”

Despite the difficult time he’s going through, “There is no other choice but to be okay,” says Hogan. “Just crawl up in a hole or jump off a bridge – that’s not an option for me. So I’m doing much better.”

[From People]

Thank freaking goodness you let us all know how well you’re doing, Hulk. We were all really worried. I’m sure the Grazianos would love to be doing that well too. Of course while your son is realistically facing a few months in jail at most, their son is facing a lifetime in a bed, unable to blink or breathe or communicate. But I’m really glad to hear that you’re not going to jump off a bridge.

Lest you think Hulk Hogan shouldn’t be held financially responsible for his minor son’s car accident, here’s a brief note from an article written about the 110 page deposition father Hogan gave recently in Nick’s case. Nick is charged with reckless driving with serious bodily injury.

Hogan also told Assistant State Attorney Scott Rosenwasser that he was with his son when Bollea [the Hogan family’s legal last name] was stopped twice for speeding along Alligator Alley in a black Mercedes-Benz. The Florida Highway Patrol said nothing about Hogan being a passenger when it confirmed the stops to The Tampa Tribune in September.

In the deposition, Hogan is nonchalant about the back-to-back stops on Sept. 17, 2006 - one putting the car at a speed of 100 mph and the second at 107 mph. A trooper let Bollea go after the first stop, but another trooper, in communication with the first, gave him a ticket after the second stop.

“We were pretty much going with the flow of traffic,” Hogan said, describing the drive on Interstate 75 east of Naples. “You know, getting passed occasionally by a truck going 90 or 100, or a car.”

[From the Tampa Bay Tribune]

I almost think I can’t write about this case anymore. I get so angry I can almost see my heart jumping out of my chest. So I’ll leave the rest of the tirade alone, and just say I hope the Hogans lose every penny they ever made, and hope John Graziano has a miraculous recovery. And if not, that he rests comfortably on a hospital bed made of pure gold the color of the Hogan family’s hair.

It really isn’t possible to write a tasteful story about Marilyn Manson. It isn’t really possible to write anything about Marilyn Manson that most sane individuals wouldn’t find pretty offensive. So here we go, adding to the pile. A logical person – with nothing better to do – would likely spend a good deal of time wondering exactly how Marilyn Manson got to be the way he is. I have one word for you: genetics. Or to get all Freudian: Mother. Although considering Marilyn Manson’s mother raised him, I guess you could also say nurturing was the problem. So basically, nature, nurture, and his mom are the reasons Marilyn Manson is eight kinds of f-ed up. Would you like a specific example? Well it seems that Barb Warner - aka Mrs. Manson – kept young Marilyn’s (he was known by the slightly-less-creepy Brian then) foreskin after he was circumcised. In a jar. I know some parents save baby teeth, some save locks of hair, I get that parents like to save parts of their children’s bodies. But there is a line between a molar and a foreskin. That’s the 5th weirdest sentence I’ve ever written.

Marilyn Manson is hoping to one day make a fortune from a childhood souvenir - his foreskin. The shock rocker’s mother, Barb Warner, has long been rumored to have kept the foreskin from his circumcision in a small jar - and Manson admits it is all true, even joking about the potential value of such an item.

He says, “It’s in more of a contact lens case, kind of like a shriveled up Lifesaver . If she ever came here, she would wave it around. We’re hoping Sotheby’s one day.”

[From Starpulse]

Well I guess we know where he gets his sense of humor/sense of perversity from. Though I did chuckle at the Sotheby’s line. I’ve heard of a serial killer who kept their fingernail clippings in a jar. I’m pretty sure that this is much, much worse. I’d instruct Barb Warner’s local police department to keep a very close eye on her. I’d also fake a warrant and insist on digging up her whole yard – just to be on the safe side. Next time I criticize Marilyn Manson for his collection of Chinese skeletons and shriveled baby heads, I’m going to remind myself that it’s not 100% his fault. Somehow keeping the bones of a complete stranger seems less upsetting than the foreskin of your own son.

Picture note by Celebitchy: Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood are shown trying to hide beneath a green velvet blanket outside the Led Zeppelin concert on 12/10/07. It also looks like Manson throws water on the photographer. He must be pissed because he’s not wearing makeup. Thanks to PRPhotos.

James Blunt has the reputation for being quite the ladies’ man. Which I find totally offensive to every one of my sensibilities. But apparently the guy gets around, and doles out a lot of loving while he’s at it. According to the Herald Sun, Blunt is quite popular at a Swiss ski resort he frequents – so much so that women have started wearing t-shirts with “James Blunt took my virginity” proudly stitched across the fronts. I had hoped these ladies just had sick senses of humor, but it appears there’s some truth behind the shirts. JAMES Blunt seems to have conquered more than the music charts — the singer has allegedly deflowered an entire Swiss ski resort.

The You’re Beautiful singer, famed for his womanizing ways, has apparently taken the virginity of hundreds of chalet girls at his favorite resort in Switzerland. His conquests proudly wear T-shirts bearing the slogan “James Blunt took my virginity”.

“He does very well for himself when he comes here,” a resort regular said. “Last season, I saw loads of the chalet girls working out there wearing T-shirts emblazoned with ‘James Blunt took my virginity’. “I can’t believe he’s had all of them but, going on his previous form, I suppose you can never rule anything out.”

Blunt, who has dated Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova and has been romantically linked to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, has admitted he is proud of his ladies man reputation. “I’d like to think any woman I have known has enjoyed being with me,” he said.

[From the Herald Sun]

What the crap? James Blunt, have you looked at yourself? Your face looks like God created it on an off day. Or maybe He was mad at your parents. But someone who’s 100% human is not supposed to look like that. Then to further mess with us, he gave you the unfortunate combination of a high pitched falsetto and an undeserved sense of confidence. It leaves the majority of the rest of us looking/listening to you and thinking “What the crap? Where is the justice in the world?” And then, on top of all those terrible things, you release terrible, trite songs that are good for about 2 plays but somehow get 2 million before radio stations ban you. And then you get a lot of tail. At first I was going to end this by saying, “If anything leads me to believe that there is no God, it is your success in life.” But that’s not really fair. There is a God, and he has the darkest, most perverse sense of humor imaginable. Either that or he needs to get his vision checked. And his hearing. And his “Who gets laid” meter. Because I’m pretty sure there is a God, and I’m pretty sure he has one of those. But it’s clearly on the fritz.

Picture note by Celebitchy: James Blunt is shown at the premiere of P.S., I Love You on 12/9/07, not that it matters if there are new photos of the guy because he pretty much looks the same all the time. I too share a strong disdain for the guy. Thanks to PRPhotos for these pictures.