Jessica Simpson has always been farty. So much so that we named her Farty. I always make up different last names for her – sometimes she’s Farty McObvious, Farty McDumbass, and one of my favorites, Farty McMallHair. At this point, Farty is a term of endearment. She’s pretty and pregnant and not that bright, but I want her to do well and live well and prosper. And I want her to be as gassy as she needs to be, even if that means farting in the middle of a business meeting and getting yelled at by her mother. Anyway, Jessica knows her FARTY (and gross) reputation, and she’s in on the joke too. How else to explain this tweet?

[From Jessica’s Twitter]

I love her. I can only guess that she’s so much worse, so much grosser, so much gassier now that she’s pregnant. Eric Johnson is probably reconsidering this whole “Let me trap my fiancée into having my baby OH DEAR GOD WHAT’S THAT SMELL DID SOMETHING DIE?” plan.

So what’s the lesson here? Don’t stand downwind of Farty McPregnant.

Photos courtesy of Fame, WENN.

I swear, Wednesday afternoon there were like three solid Jessica Simpson stories all involving her bodily functions. It’s not even funny – this is how Jessica makes news these days. She farts or barfs or pees or belches or poops. Now, I am not one of those people who finds endless amusement in bathroom humor. Jessica is one of those people. On Wednesday, she tweeted: “This link just made my morning! RT @OMGFacts: The average person farts about 14 TIMES each day! How to fart less?” And then she linked to this. A little factoid page about farting. And this made entertainment news. Just like it made entertainment news when Jessica ripped one in the middle of a business meeting (and her mom yelled at her!). Yes, Jessica is incredibly gassy. And she likes to talk about it.

Onto the next “Jessica Simpson, Bodily Function” story. This one’s sub-headline is “Bodily Function: Barfing”. According to Us Weekly (who are always on high alert for Jessica’s “Breaking: Wind” stories), Jessica spent a week in the Middle East barfing her guts out and complaining about the heat. Oh, it was a U.S.O. trip too! Even when she’s doing something sweet, Calamity Fart-Blossom always finds a way to f-ck it up:

For Jessica Simpson, even a simple visit with troops aboard the USS Harry S. Truman was far from smooth sailing.

“She flew in on a helicopter and had three Red Bulls with no water,” a source tells the new Us Weekly of her Oct. 1 visit to the Persian Gulf. “Then she complained it was too hot out.” (It was 97 degrees that day in nearby Doha, Qatar.)

From there, things got messy. After eating, the singer, 30, attempted to perform. “She only sang one song, then vomited,” says the insider.

Still, a source close to Simpson adds, “She was dehydrated and got sick before she performed — and even got an IV. The doctor told her not to sing, but she did anyway.”

Back in the States on Tuesday, Simpson Tweeted her thoughts on the trip: “Feel so humbled by the sacrifice the troops and their families make to keep us safe. I’m forever changed after this last week. Thank you!”

[From Us Weekly]

My first thought was that she’s pregnant, honestly. It’s a decent explanation for barfing your way through a Middle East trip. Of course, it’s also a solid possibility that Jessica is too stupid to listen to medical advice about hydration in the desert. It’s also a possibility that all of that traveling just made her sick. Or she just had a stomach flu. Whatever.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Back in January, Us Weekly ran a hilarious “exclusive report” about how Jessica Simpson farted (loudly) during a business meeting, and her mom yelled at her for it. The whole thing was kind of unconfirmed, and it made me feel for Jessica. I mean, even if it was true, so what? The girl’s a farter. She smelt it and dealt it.

But now I’m beginning to wonder if Jessica might be one of the grosser women in Hollywood. She admitted to a radio show yesterday that she doesn’t brush her teeth. She claimed: “I just use Listerine — and sometimes I’ll use my sweater. I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. Fine, maybe when I’m 60 I’ll all, “ow!” Sign up now, gentleman, so you can get this one! A farter who doesn’t brush her teeth on a regular basis. The line forms here!

Wonder how Jessica Simpson maintains her million-dollar smile?

So does she. “I don’t brush my teeth,” she told iheartradio Thursday. “No, really!”

“I just use Listerine — and sometimes I’ll use my sweater,” she claimed, bursting into laughter.

“I do brush every now and again, but my teeth are extremely powerful. Fine, maybe when I’m 60 I’ll all, “ow!”

The singer adds that she loves “anything fried,” and that her nutrition habits weren’t always the best. “Growing up in Texas for me, fish was a fish stick. We weren’t really the healthiest of people. [My mom] didn’t force me to eat healthy.”

Simpson, 29, opened up yet again about her ex John Mayer’s raunchy comments regarding their sex life. “Maybe in his mind he was thinking about giving me a compliment but he wasn’t,” she quipped.

“In relationships, in general, going through a divorce and going through very public break-ups … you don’t want to disappoint people who are rooting for you to be successful in love. I just have to find the right man.”

[From Us Weekly]

Ugh, I just find this disgusting. I’m not one of those obsessive teeth people, but I brush after every meal and I floss regularly, just because I feel better about my teeth when I do. I don’t understand how Jessica’s teeth haven’t fallen out? Are they fake? You know, veneers or capped or whatever? Well, if they aren’t, they soon will be.

Jessica outside of ‘The Late Show’ on March 10, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Here is the cover shot for Jessica Simpson’s cover of Allure Magazine, the March issue. What do you think? I wish they had chosen a photo of Jessica with her mouth closed. When Jessica’s mouth is open, she looks… not bright. Like she’s about to fart on someone. The hair looks good, though, and the makeup is alright.

Jessica is on the cover because she’s gearing up to promote her VH1 show, The Price of Beauty. The show premieres on March 14, and throughout the series, we will see Jessica in Japan, Thailand, France, Brazil, Uganda, Morocco and India with best friend/stylist Ken Paves.

That’s about all. Allure hasn’t released any additional images from the photo shoot or any interview excerpts, unfortunately. But I am looking forward to Jessica’s press tour! You know she’s going to screw up somehow, she’s like Calamity Jane in high-waisted jeans. But in one other piece of Jessica-related news, her dad crashed Nick Lachey’s Super Bowl party in Miami on Friday. Apparently, Joe crashed the party and told people Nick “didn’t know” he was there. Apparently, they barely spoke, but they did acknowledge each other. And Joe is an ass.

Allure cover courtesy of CoverAwards.

Jessica Simpson farts. In public. That’s the gist of this Us Weekly article that was labeled “Exclusive!” And now I can’t stop giggling, because I can just imagine a further headline: “Breaking: Wind”. Anyway, this OH MY GOD FART happened during a business meeting between Jessica, her mom and the company who is going to be helping Jessica with her denim line. When The Fart That Broke happened, Tina Simpson turned and yelled “Jessica!” Which sounds like Tina was trying to push the blame, right? Anyway, “the tension was extreme.” Tension makes me gassy too.

Let’s end this meeting on a high note!

A source tells Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson had a, ahem, windy moment during a business meeting for her denim line in late January. “While one of the executives was speaking in a room full of five people, Jessica let out a very loud fart,” says the insider.

“Her mother [Tina Simpson] was there, and it prompted her to turn around and yell, ‘Jessica!’ The tension was extreme. No one knew what to say.”

It wasn’t Simpson’s first brush with public flatulence: She famously cut loose on an episode of Newlyweds, telling then-husband Nick Lachey, “You love my stinky ass,” and professed her fondness for between-the-sheets poots (a.k.a. Dutch ovens) to a radio station in 2008.

Maybe someone told Gerard Butler about her gassy fascination! When the actor, 40, with whom she shared a flirty dinner in October, joined her group at West Hollywood’s Boa Steakhouse January 23, he steered clear. “They didn’t sit next to each other,” notes an employee. “She seemed to be nervous around him.”

[From Us Weekly]

Ah, yeah, I don’t think Gerard gives a rat’s ass about Jessica farting. He probably likes girls who could conceivably enter a farting competition. For money. But I also found this line hilarious: “They didn’t sit next to each other.” The subtext seems to be “… because Jessica was afraid she was going to fart on Gerard.” Or: “… because Jessica ordered chili.”

Jessica Simpson looking gassy at an LA premiere on January 19, 2010. Also, Jessica being farty on January 13, 2010. Credit: Fame and MIV/Fame.

I had to watch this damn video three times before I realized the small squeaking sound -that no one comments on in real time – was (GASP) a Tiger Fart. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Woods farts! And it’s a pretty cute sound. It’s not like he’s some gassy fart-ripping mofo who ate too much Chinese food (cough cough me cough). The Tiger Fart was subdued, almost classy. And it’s also huge news in the sporting world. Let me say it this way – if you spent your days covering every aspect of golf, for the love of God, wouldn’t a Tiger fart be, like, one the juiciest stories ever?

A Tiger Woods fart is pretty much the only thing Tiger Woods hasn’t done on camera. But the Tiger Woods fart at the end of the Buick Open changed all that. TV cameras follow Tiger Woods endlessly, but they never caught a Tiger Woods fart before. Yet they did that on the 18th hole of the Buick Open, as Tiger Woods was wrapping up an easy victory. However, it was the Tiger Woods fart that took up much of the attention afterward, since people have seen Tiger win countless times before – but had never heard this from him before.

Tiger Woods’ fart came during the 18′th hole, as Woods was in the fairway getting set to wrap up the Buick Open. Woods would win by three shots, and was coasting fairly easily. As such, the most noteworthy thing he did during the final round itself was fart, and get caught doing it by a nearby microphone.

The Tiger Woods fart was heard pretty well on television, though the commentators didn’t have any comment for it – perhaps the first time they had no words or hyperbole for something Tiger Woods did. Woods heard it immediately and laughingly asked “Are you serious?” as he and caddy Steve Williams giggled, as is customary after a fart.

At the very least, the Tiger Woods fart was something that he could afford to laugh at, since he was winning easily. In fact, this whole weekend was a relief for Woods, having rebounded from a terrible missed cut at the British Open.

Tiger Woods can laugh off a fart while he’s winning, but not winning any majors at all in one year would be a different matter.

[From Associated Content]

“Woods heard it immediately and laughingly asked “Are you serious?” as he and caddy Steve Williams giggled, as is customary after a fart.” Oh. My. God. Do these golf people really need to have it explained that’s it’s customary to laugh after someone farts? In some of the videos, you can even see Tiger laughing post-fart, and it actually made me like him more. Ridiculous.

Update by Celebitchy: CBS is denying that Tiger lit one, while refusing to identify the culprit. As James points out below, Tiger lifted his leg while it happened. Of course that may have been just a coincidence.