Mayer and Aniston at the 2009 VF Oscar Party

You know that Jennifer Aniston’s rep is feeding stories to US Weekly. So that makes this story making fun of her ex John Mayer’s weight gain all the more delicious. It’s funny, and it’s bitchy and I picture Aniston drinking a cocktail and chatting on the phone with Huvane, telling him that Mayer texted her and getting lots of help spinning this story into Mayer as a sad sack loser, pitiful with regret at losing Aniston. I doubt this is the case at all, but he was a real ass to her in the press and turnabout is fair play. This isn’t the first we’ve heard of this. The Enquirer ran a similar story about a month ago on Mayer trying to with Aniston back. Here’s the story from US Weekly:

A source says the singer, who put the final kibosh on his one-year romance with Aniston in March 2009, still pines for her. “She was the one who got away,” says the friend. “He’s definitely not thrilled to see Jen in so many photos with a new guy – especially one who is a cooler version of him.” Now spending his time gorging on pizza bites, Hot Pickets and Smucker’s Uncrustables while writing new tunes in his home in L.A.’s Pacific Palisades, Mayer, 33, is ahem, heavy with regrets. “He’s just eating microwave food and getting chunky,” the pal adds of Mayer, who had notoriously held an impromptu street press conference to discuss an initial split with Aniston in 2008. “Seeing Jen happy now isn’t easy. He cared about her more than any of his other girlfriends.”

[From US Magazine, print edition, August 29, 2011]

That’s awesome, right? They get so specific about the junk food that Mayer prefers that it’s like a commercial. “You too can drown your depression at being an oversharing douche by popping some Uncrustables in the microwave! It’s like a little PB&J pie of happiness.”

How do they even know which microwave crap Mayer is eating? He’s no longer on Twitter and doesn’t blog anymore. Is he texting the details to Aniston? “I miss u so much. Just 8 hole box of uncrustables lol!”

Mayer was looking heavier earlier this year, but he lost a lot of weight recently. Even when he was “chubby” as this article claims, he wasn’t bad looking. He kind of looked like when Johnny Depp was heavy, except with none of Johnny’s redeeming qualities.

Here is is on April 30th:

And more recently August 4th. He’s lost weight and he wasn’t bad before either.

Photo credit: WENN.com

Isn’t this what douchebags always do? They can’t commit but tell you what a wonderful person you are and how they’ll miss you. Then once you’re well over them and happy in another relationship, (or happy on your own and finally realizing how much better off you are, take your pick) they come crawling back asking for another chance. It’s lame, it’s manipulative and it’s predictable. Anyway John Mayer is supposedly doing this to Jennifer Aniston. This is in the National Enquirer, but they’ve run a few exclusives before about Aniston’s lovelife (or they made them up, but they rang true) and I believe it. Here’s the story.

Jennifer Aniston is happily dating [Justin Theroux] but being barraged with text messages from [John Mayer] say sources.

“Jennifer is totally involved with Justin, and wants absolutely nothing to do with John,” revealed a friend.

“John broke Jen’s heart, but that doesn’t seem to faze him.

“He’s been relentless in his pursuit of Jennifer lately – texting her witty messages, sending love poems and calling to ask her out. But it’s been two years since they were together and Jen sees it as far too little too late.

“She feels she’s found a better, more responsible and reliable man.”

[From The National Enquirer, print edition, July 25, 2011]

I guess you can’t blame Mayer for trying, since Aniston took him back even after he blabbed to the paparazzi about how he broke up with her. It’s worth noting that Mayer gained some weight, not that there’s anything wrong with that since he’s an attractive guy either way before he opens his mouth. He’s not cutting his hair or shaving though and just looks like fresh hell lately. Meanwhile Aniston is frozen in time and remains very bangable, by most guys’ estimations. Like we may mock her for not switching it up much but she’s got a good formula going. Now she has a hot man by her side and can’t be bothered by Mayer. I hope she told him to f#ck off but you know that’s not her style. She probably just blinked a lot, called him back (since I doubt she texts) and engaged in small talk before she let him down easy, making some excuse that she was busy.

I have to give Mayer some credit for laying low lately. He hasn’t tweeted or blogged in months (from my quick look-over) and is just going about his business. Maybe he’s matured behind the scenes. We’ll see when he inevitably comes back. I give him four months, but seriously props to him for going this long.

Aniston and Theroux are shown on 7/7/11. Header image from 2/22/09. Credit: WENN.com. Mayer is shown on 7/13/11. Credit: Matt Smith, PacificCoastNews.com

Last week, Perez Hilton reported that Renee Zellweger and John Mayer had been “quietly going on dates in LA and New York.” The claim – which may have begun in the tabloid The Globe – was that Renee and John weren’t really officially dating or anything, but that Renee was “looking for a good time with a hot guy.” Shortly after Perez’s story broke, Gossip Cop got a denial from Renee’s rep… although that doesn’t mean much. Renee’s rep rarely if ever confirms any personal information about who she’s with.

Anyway, I remember reading some stuff about it last week and then I kind of forgot it. And then I read this item in Page Six this morning:

Ladies’ man John Mayer had a double date in Brooklyn over the weekend. The singer hit Pub One’s newly opened garden in DUMBO Sunday night with an unidentified woman and another couple. The foursome enjoyed beers, margaritas and burgers, according to a spy, and stayed for a leisurely meal. Mayer came complete with a Brooklyn look, “dressed casually in a plaid parka,” we’re told. Reports have said he’s discreetly dating Renée Zellweger but the relationship isn’t serious.

[From Page Six]

As far as I know, John Mayer hasn’t had a big celebrity girlfriend since he and Taylor Swift were braiding each other’s hair and rolling in a pile of stuffed animals and glitter (after which Mayer probably talked about his dong in the third person). He was rumored to be perhaps hittin’ it with one of those random 90210 chicks (Jessica something, I think), but those reports died off too.

So is it possible that Renee has jumped on Mayer’s David Duke dong? Much like with Bradley Cooper, I feel like if Renee is dating ‘em, chances are that they’re gay. I know that’s horrible and probably all kinds of wrong, but she always seems to find the ones that ping my gaydar. Add to that the issue of Mayer’s history with Jennifer Aniston… Renee got Bradley Cooper after Aniston too. It’s all starting to look kind of fishy. If it’s on, I have to say: Renee, you could find a much better closet-case. For real.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Kate Winslet isn’t really my favorite person in the world, but I’ve been able to maintain some goodwill for her. I think she’s a talented actress, I think she’s smart and interesting, and I genuinely enjoy that her weight fluctuates through the years, like many (non-celebrity) women. What I don’t enjoy so much? I don’t like that she seems to be lying about the cosmetic work she’s done to her face. And I didn’t really care for her whirlwind post-divorce romance with that vague-looking male model. The whole thing seemed beneath her and like she was aiming at “revenge” on her ex, Sam Mendes, but a girl’s gotta have her fun, I guess.

But I draw the line at his. This will make me hate Kate. Star Magazine reports that Winslet has had some “secret” hookups with… JOHN MAYER. He’s a predator, you know, and he loves to get a girl right after she’s had some kind of major breakup. Emotional vulnerability is his aphrodisiac.

Kate Winslet is trying her best to keep her steamy new hookup under wraps. But the newly single Oscar winner, 35, has been secretly spending time with notorious ladies’ man John Mayer, 33, Star has learned!

“A few weeks ago, John was at a party in Manhattan when he ran into Kate. He really put the moves on her, and Kate eventually responded,” says an insider. “She’s just having fun – and she’s begging him not to blab.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

Now, do I believe this? Ugh. I want to think that Winslet would never. She would never go there, right? RIGHT? She’s too smart for this, isn’t she? Why it might be happening though: Winslet has been coming across as… kind of vulnerable and kind of desperate. Also: lately, the tabloids have putting Mayer with every semi-available woman, like Sandra Bullock and Miley Cyrus. I don’t believe most of those alleged hookups… which doesn’t mean I’m giving Mayer any credit. At all. I think he just prefers to screw groupies and not even try for the celebrity women at this point.

To her credit – Winslet’s rep denied (to Gossip Cop) that Kate and John were happening, and even denied that they had ever met. Publicists and representatives lie all the time, of course, but I’d like to believe Winslet’s rep this time. Because the thought of John Mayer getting Winslet to talk to his David Duke dong in the third person, or the thought of Mayer boning Winslet while his music plays… Jesus. My biscuits just closed up shop.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This story in In Touch cracked me the hell up. Supposedly Johnny Depp-morphing (read: gaining weight and growing scraggly facial hair without the style and substance to carry it off) John Mayer somehow propositioned Sandra Bullock through mutual friends or something. The details are scant and this story could be completely fabricated, but it made me laugh and you know Mayer would be down with Sandy if she’d have him. Sandra of course supposedly told Mayer she was flattered but would rather spend the night with her vibrator from 1999 even when the batteries are dead.

John Mayer thinks he’s the perfect man to cheer up the Oscar winner.

“John is trying hard to get fixed up with Sandra,” a mutual friend tells In Touch. And according to a pal, in typical John fashion, he’s got an ulterior motive. Following a string of high-profile romances that all ended badly, the singer is eager to repair his reputation, and he thinks that dating America’s Sweetheart will improve his “love them and leave them” image, says the pal. “John likes dating famous women, it’s a turn on for him,” explains the pal. “And who’s more famous than Sandra Bullock? He knows Sandra’s probably not going to date him, but he did offer to enter a friends-with-benefits situation.”

For her part, Sandra is amused by the attention. “She was flattered and had a good laugh when she found out about it, but she turned John down because she’s looking for a relationship and not just a booty call,” says the friend. “Sandra’s looking for someone to grow old with and she doesn’t think John’s the type who will ever settle down.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, February 28, 2011]

How does this jibe with the report that John and Miley Cyrus were getting touchy-feely at the Grammys? (Sidenote: John called Miley a “child” in late 2009. I just found that story.) We know that John’s only type is “white” (sorry to be so blunt about that, but he said it) and that he goes for older as well as inappropriately younger women. So these reports aren’t mutually exclusive. Mayer could be sliming his pseudo intellectual douche all over Miley Cyrus while putting his feelers out for Sandra Bullock. Sandra’s been around the block, though. She knows what Mayer is about.

This got me thinking about Sandra Bullock’s love life. I hope she’s getting laid well and often and that she’s got a secret lover somewhere. She doesn’t have to settle for some rebound sex with Ryan Reynolds whenever it’s convenient for him.

Photo credit: WENN.com

I have a story that will make you a little bit sick to your stomach. Note: Last night I had a serious case of cramps plus some really bad Chinese food, and I was sick for hours. But I really think it’s this story that made me pukey. According to Star Magazine (via Jezebel), Miley Cyrus and John Mayer might have something going on. They were at some of the same events over “Grammy weekend” and there was some flirting, some touching, some twanging, some douching, and some kissing going on. Oh, here comes the nausea.

Star – Miley Cyrus and John Mayer are “Made For Each Other.”

Apparently they were getting all touchy-feely over Grammys weekend, and she was following him around all night at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party.

“She followed John around all night like a puppy dog,” says an eyewitness. “She put her arm around his waist, and even grabbed his behind,” and Mayer “reciprocated.”

“Things got even hotter between them the following evening at the Grammys,” says the source.

Backstage at the Grammys, Miley was rubbing John’s back, and when he thought no one was looking, he leaned over and kissed her.

“It was quick and intense and a bit shocking, but it also seemed sweet,” an eyewitness claims.

“Afterward, Miley slapped his butt and told him, ‘You rock!’”

Miley has told friends that she believes she can make John a one-woman man, and thinks they are great together because she’s as wild as he is.

[From Star via Jezebel]

Take a moment and let the dry heaves subside. Now, tell me this: it makes sense, right? John Mayer is the King of Douche Predators. And after his dalliance with Taylor Swift, we know he’s down with sketchy jailbait little girls. If this Mayer/Miley thing is happening… well, I think Mayer might have met his match. It will be epic. However, I should note: Gossip Cop has an unnamed source, a “friend” of Miley who claims that this whole thing is “not true” and that they “only said ‘hello’ in passing.” In any case, you know this will make The Mullet cry.

Header: John Mayer and Miley Cyrus are shown on 2/12/11, plus additional pics. Credit: WENN.com

One of my favorite moments in any losing political campaign is when a candidate takes a good, hard look at his declining poll numbers and decides that what he or she really needs is completely new staff. The message it sends is always twofold: first, it says that the candidate is throwing his staff under the bus, blaming THEM and not himself or herself for his lack of popular support. Secondly, it shows just how the candidate is a crappy manager. Anyway, this story about John Mayer reminded me of some of the great losing political campaigns. According to Us Weekly, Mayer is in the market for new management. Because his current management is the reason we think he’s such a douche.

Seems John Mayer now regrets his bad-boy reputation. A source who recently spent time with Mayer tells Us Weekly that John got berated on the street one night for being a serial heartbreaker.

“Girls came up and yelled at him, saying he was a horrible person,” says a source of Mayer, who once held an impromtu press conference with paparazzi to discuss his split with Jennifer Aniston.

Continues the source, “Girls asked how he could treat women the way he did.”

Now John says he is looking for “a new team to manage his image,” adds the insider. “He wants to change people’s perspective on him.”

[From Us Weekly, print edition]

Mayer can get all of the new management he wants, but people are going to hate him until he finds a way to conquer his urge to say crap like “That’s why black people love me…. Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n—er pass.” And: “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f-ckin’ David Duke c-ck. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” And: “Here’s what I really want to do at 32: f-ck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the sh-t!’” Something tells me new management isn’t going to save that junk.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Star Magazine reports that John Mayer hasn’t been content to feed his white supremacist dong a steady stream of random groupies. No, John’s KKK dong demands young starlets. Like, inappropriately young. Like Taylor Swift. And now 90210’s Shenae Grimes, that chick who is known for her radical weight loss as soon as she got a touch of fame. She’s 21 years old, and it seems like the girl has self-esteem issues. Both of which is cat-nip for a predator like Mayer.

The secret’s out! 90210 babe Shenae Grimes, 21, has been raving about her steamy connection with John Mayer, 33, to pals on the Santa Monica, CA set of her upcoming drama, Sugar.

“Shanae is telling friend that she’s having a secret fling with John,” an insider reveals. “They’ve hooked up a few times and talk and text, but John wants to keep it low profile for once.”

Lovestruck Shenae has actually been crushing on John for years – she was spotted swooning over him at a concert he gave in Hollywood in August 2009. Now she’s pushing him to go public with their romance, but she will likely end up with a broken heart instead.

“She just doesn’t seem to get that he’s not the kind of guy to fall for too deeply,” an insider says of John, who has loved and left the likes of Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. “He’s a total player, and that isn’t going to change anytime soon.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

Ugh. There’s a reason why certain men in their 30s go for these young little things – because those dudes are totally freaks with massive issues, and the younger girls are less likely to call them on their bullsh-t. Which brings me to a story. A few weeks ago, a reader (who will be referred to as “J”) sent in a hilarious email about how her friend hooked up with John Mayer a while ago, and… yes, we have no idea if this is real or anywhere near the truth, but it’s just too good. Just read:

I’m aware that you can’t actually use this gossip as it’s second hand, but it’s so hysterical that I had to share. I’ve always been on the side of “give John Mayer a break, I think he’s just being funny.” That being said:

A girlfriend of ours had been living in Spain and just came back for the holidays so we had a get together. She started tell us the story about the time she hooked up with John Mayer right before she moved. She had gone to his concert and ended up hanging out with him and his band afterwards. She then went back to his hotel room to hook up.

He insisted on having his own music play while they made out. He talked repeatedly about his penis like it was a third person in the room, and kept asking her “do you like him? What do you think of him? Tell him you like him”. He then stopped having sex to put on another playlist – of his own music – because the music stopped.

She’s admittedly slept with a few musicians, athletes etc but she said he was the most narcissistic person that she’s ever been with.

I give up. He is a super douche. But her story and her impression of his O face was hysterical.

[Submitted from Reader J]

I mean… that’s what he’s like. It feels like the truth. So… my new thing is picturing Mayer’s psychotic O-face on top of Jennifer Aniston as his own music plays. That image will have you giggling for days.

UPDATE: …And Shenae is denying this. That’s interesting – I was expecting a Mayer denial. Maybe Shenae is smarter than I think? Shenae tweeted: “According to Star magazine John Mayer and I are in secret sexy cahoots. How wonderful for me…if wonderful meant embarrassing.” Oh, for goodness sake. She probably tipped Star off just so she could deny it.

These are photos of John Mayer and his new facial hair out and about in NYC on Tuesday. I haven’t been paying attention to Mayer lately, so I’m taking it on Fame Pcitures’ word that this facial hair is new-ish. What do you think? Douchestache? Dirtlip? He actually looks a little bit like James Franco in these photos – and that speaks volumes about the dumb styling choices Franco has been making. I also love that the douchestache says “I am too cool to care about shaving my dirtlip” while his blowout says “I’m fabulous, and this took two hours to achieve. Because I’m worth it!” Also – his sunglasses… there’s a subtle cat-eye to them, right? Mayer wears cat-eye sunglasses, gets expensive blow-outs and refuses to shave. Oh, and he’s also got that little “soul patch” thing on his bottom lip. Ugh. I hate those.

By the way, did you know that John Mayer has been in NYC the whole time Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift have been doing their maple-syrupy-morning-coffee romance? True story! Mayer has been out and about, keeping a surprisingly low profile – for him, which means getting pap’d every few days. There have been no Tumblr rants nor any impromptu press conferences with TMZ, ever since it was widely reported that Swifty wrote her song “Dear John” about their torrid and douchetastic relationship. Swifty never confirmed or denied it – and I think it’s pretty clear that she wrote it about Mayer dicking her over.

Anyway, I just thought I’d mention it… so that when we read yet another report from People Magazine about Swifty and Gyllenhaal playing Candyland until 9 pm on a school night while drinking hot chocolate with extra marshmallows (SCANDAL!), just think about this: Swifty conceivably could still be boning John Mayer. Think about it. She and Jake have their little PR relationship where their courtship seems to consist of ice cream with sprinkles and maybe HARD CIDER and Swifty is still riding the Mayer Douche Dong on the downlow. I keep telling you – Swifty is not this little perfect fairy tale princess. Ever since Mayer, that chick has been tainted.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Saturday was my beloved’s 41st birthday. Instead of flying down here to finally propose to me and whisk me off to my own private dongfest, Gerard Butler chose to celebrate in NYC, with his own private douchefest. Yes, Gerard brought in his 41st year of Scottish mooby hotness with JOHN MAYER. Ugh. Jesus, Gerry.

Scottish actor Gerard Butler celebrated his 41st birthday in style by performing an outrageous version of “Mustang Sally” with John Mayer. The heartthrob movie star took over new restaurant The Darby on Saturday night with a dinner and put on a series of shows for 100 guests, including Adrien Brody, Kate Hudson, Bono and Jay-Z.

Onstage, Butler joined the 14th Street dinner club’s ‘mistress of ceremonies,’ cabaret star Lady Rizo a k a Amelia Zirin-Brown, who said: “Some of you know him as Gerry, other as Gerard. I know him as Mistress Butler.”

A spy told us: “Australian comedian James Smith toasted Gerry. He then went on to make fun of him saying: ‘Gerard has been out so much he’s now just constantly on Page Six. Gerry is on Page Six so much they have to make it Page Seven.’ Smith also joked that Butler and Jennifer Aniston had “as much sexual chemistry as Regis and Kelly” in “The Bounty Hunter.”

“Gerry also sang Oasis hit ‘Wonderwall’ with Lady Rizo and Mayer played guitar. They then followed it up with ‘Mustang Sally.’ He had a pretty good voice — it wasn’t what you’d expect from the guy from ’300.’ It was epic. He was also in the deejay booth a lot and got the deejay to play a lot of rock, ’80s and funk. Gerry announced to the crowd that Mayer was going to sing for them, but John replied he just wanted to play guitar while Lady Rizo sang. So he had the crowd cheer to hear Mayer perform. Mayer then sang his hit “Who Says.”

Other guests at the dinner club, which officially opens on Wednesday, included skateboarder Tony Hawk, Jason Statham, Melissa George, Russell Simmons, Sante D’Orazio, Jeffrey Ross, Paul Haggis and a gaggle of models. A rep for Butler didn’t get back to us.

[From Page Six]

Do I begrudge him these birthday celebrations? Honestly, yes, I do. It sounds like a perfectly nice/douchey time, but I’m sure he would have had more fun at home with me, with me cooking Mistress Butler something special, like vagina parfait.

Also: since Gerry has been disappointing so much lately, can I just admit something? The fact that Gerry is tight with John Mayer disgusts me, and if I didn’t love Gerry so much, I would say that it speaks volumes about his (lack of) character. Isn’t that weird? I can handle his constant trolling for strange, I can take the man-handling of blondes, I can take the finger-up-Aniston’s-ass, but John Mayer is The One Douche Too Far.

Photos courtesy of WENN.