I have never found John Mayer attractive. At all. He ALWAYS reminded me of the try-hard poseur boys in college who try to act like they’re sensitive poets but really they were just standard-issue date-rapey bros. My knee-jerk revulsion towards Mayer always made me harshly judge the women that dated him too. How could they kiss that face without vomiting? That’s a real question. What was wrong with Katy Perry that she could let THAT on top of her? What was wrong with Jennifer Aniston that she took THAT back after he publicly dumped her? GROSS.

And don’t get me started on Taylor Swift. I think I gave her more sympathy initially about Mayer just because she was SO young when they were fooling around. He was in his 30s, and I think Swifty was all of 18 or 19. But in the years that followed, I kind of think Swifty might have played Mayer a little bit. She got the last laugh – she wrote a song about how he’s a gigantic douche, after all, and John was so irritated that he whined about it to Rolling Stone. Whatever happened between them, God only knows, but I’m sure it involved tea parties, crochet, cuddlefesting, douchebaggery and LIES. So Mayer and Swifty ended years ago… I think, like, 2010. Is she still pissed off about it? Us Weekly says yes.

Sunday, April 7, should have been a great night for Taylor Swift. She was nominated in five categories at the Academy of Country Music Awards, she had a gorgeous scene-stealing gold dress for the red carpet, and she was scheduled to perform with Keith Urban and Tim McGraw — a star she once sang about in her first-ever single, “Tim McGraw.”

But things took a turn when the “22″ singer discovered that John Mayer was slated to take the stage first at the Las Vegas event, sources reveal in the April 29 issue of Us Weekly, on stands now.

One insider says Swift, 23, put on “a stink” about her ex-boyfriend’s performance. “She said she had to go on earlier than him,” the source tells Us of the songwriter, who had a brief romance with Mayer in 2010 and later wrote the song “Dear John” about him.

The country star got her way in the end, but a second insider says Swift “was just really bitter that night” — especially after she didn’t win anything.

“After she didn’t win anything, she bailed on a postshow dinner party,” explains a second insider. While Swift’s rep calls the story “absolutely false,” the insider adds that “John just being there irked her.”

[From Us Weekly, print and online editions]

What I find more interesting than the Mayer stuff (which is admittedly fascinating to me for some reason) is that Swifty truly gets bummed out when she doesn’t win anything. Swifty’s been on a losing streak all of this year. My favorite was when Adele won Best Song at the Golden Globes and the camera panned to Swifty’s sad little bitchface, which is totally better/more preferable than her OMIGOSH I WON surprise-face. Anyway, as for the Mayer stuff… it kind of sounds reasonable to me that Swifty would have demanded to go on before Mayer…? That doesn’t sound like a breakup-angst thing, it sounds like a young artist who can pull strings and make demands at an awards show, and like she wanted to go on before a “minor” artist like Mayer.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This story seems perfectly plausible to me in some ways but not others, so let’s get down to business. Katy Perry and John Mayer broke up for the second time last month, and both have been very quiet on the reason for this latest split. John did get grilled by Ellen DeGeneres, but he evaded questions and called it “a private relationship.” Of course, Katy is former BFFs with Rihanna, and their friendship supposedly hit the skids because Katy didn’t approve of Chris Brown for obvious reasons.

Now that Rihanna and Chris are probably broken up again, would Rihanna turn on Katy and hook up with John? A new story in this week’s issue of OK! magazine says that John has been desperately trying to make it happen with RiRi by sending her suggestive texts, and the story says that Rihanna hasn’t rejected John just yet. Could this be the start of a gross new romance?

There’s a report that in the wake of John Mayer and Katy Perry’s split, Ye Olde Douchebag is doing the unthinkable – [going] after Katy’s best friend, Rihanna.

According to OK! magazine, Mayer has been “bombarding” Rih with texts, “begging for a date.” A source claims, “Rihanna was amazed when she heard from John, but deep down it didn’t surprise Rihanna because he has been chasing her for years.”

The insider adds, “His texts were very sexy, and he said they should get together.” And don’t count out Rihanna just yet. Since she and Chris Brown break up and make up all the time, especially now while since he’s been flirting up a storm with randoms while she’s away on tour, Rih might be “tempted to invite John to a show and see what happens there.”

Oh, how I wish this were true because, let’s face it, John and Rihanna are made for each other. I could totally see Mayer pulling a jerk move like this while Rih does have the worst – THE WORST – taste in dudes so why not Katy’s nasty leftovers?

[From The Loop]

Gossip Cop already says the report is “completely untrue,” but they’re always quick to deny any story related to John. It’s like he’s got them on speed-email dial or something, so I don’t necessarily put any faith into this denial at all.

What does give me pause is that John is a raging racist as evidenced by his claim of owning a “David Duke c*ck“ in that Playboy magazine interview from a few years ago. Of course, John tried to claim that he doesn’t even recall saying such terrible things (“it was a very strange time“), but he definitely said it. Is it wrong of me to actually hope that Rihanna would hook up with John? It would certainly keep her away from Chris Brown for awhile, and that’s always a plus.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN

John Mayer will appear on today’s episode of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” to promote his upcoming album, Born and Raised, and … poor Ellen. I know she puts on a bright and shiny face for all of her guests (and there will be dancing), but you know even Ellen must have deduced the douche at some point when it comes to John. Anyway, John will perform on the show, which will mark his first television gig in three years since he began to suffer from a throat granuloma. John’s kind of switching his story in this interview though, which confuses me because now he’s saying that half of his problem was actually acid reflex from drinking too much alcohol. Who knows. I just always find it strange that singers will drink and smoke into oblivion when those are two of the worst things they can do to prematurely ruin their voices and livelihoods.

Fortunately, Ellen also put John on the hot seat a little bit by asking him about his breakup with Katy Perry. As Ellen mentions, she and Katy are friends, so she wasn’t going to let him get away without at least discussing the issue a little bit. Also, what else does John really have to talk about in his life? One of the theories for their breakup was that John was only using Katy to keep his name in the press, and it’s still working. Here are some excerpts and a clip of John’s chat with Ellen:

On his breakup with Katy Perry: “Listen, it was a very private relationship going in. It was a private relationship during and it’s a private relationship, still. I can understand asking the question based on some previous answers I have given but I have finally learned how to put the wall between one thing and the other. I’ve been much happier since then. I’m on the same journey as everyone else. Coupling is a tricky thing.”

On recovering from his acid reflux (?): “Yeah, that’s half of it. Half of it is over use and singing and singing and singing. The other stuff is you know, what you put into your body. And, I’m getting to that age now your body doesn’t just shake everything off and it didn’t help that I really loved, love, loved scotch. It’s just like applying poison to your body. It’s like applying a shellac of poison. It’s just delicious, wonderful poison. That makes you not care how late you’re out till or where you’re going but I had to really say I like signing and writing more than I like delicious scotch so I had to really dial it down. And, I’m a little more boring now.”

[From The Ellen DeGeneres Show]

Of course John is calling this a “private relationship” now even though he didn’t mind bragging about it in Rolling Stone a few months ago. This is the same guy who felt the need to tell the paps that he was the one who dumped Jennifer Aniston, so his “privacy” excuse just doesn’t wash. Katy should be glad to be rid of John’s douche stench, but sadly, I’m pretty sure that she’d take him back if he came running. What’s the attraction though? I’ll never understand it.

Photos courtesy of Michael Rozman/Warner Bros and WENN

About a week ago, we reported the shocking (not really) news that Katy Perry and John Mayer had broken up for the second time, and then reports filtered out that John was mostly dating Katy because being seen and photographed with her kept him in the spotlight while he’s unable to tour regularly because of his throat granuloma recovery. I think it’s pretty easy to discern that, no matter the reason for the breakup, John is probably the one in this relationship who acted more douchey; and I think that, short of Katy actually catching him in bed with someone else with her own eyes, if anyone did the breaking up, it was him.

This week, all three of the major U.S. tabloids have their own version of events leading up to the split. The worst story comes from Star, which printed a story about how John dumped Katy because she’s just “not hot enough” for him anymore. As in, Katy gained a couple of pounds, and John started pointing it out to her in a negative way. Obviously, mentioning your girlfriend’s slight weight gain is always a negative thing to do, but I can see John being extra douchey about it. Here’s the story:

John Mayer seems to be “Hot N Cold” when it comes to Katy Perry. After gushing over his relationship in recent interviews, stating that he is “quite happy,” the music industry’s most notorious ladies’ man has hit an all-time low — dumping Katy for getting fat! The “California Gurls” singer, 28, who started dating 25-year-old John last summer, is “devastated,” says a pal. “She is so confident, but as soon as she put on a few pounds, he was constantly putting her down.” Despite John’s shallow reasoning, insiders say a shattered Katy would still like to make it work! “She’s going to make sure she looks amazing,” continues the source. “She wants him to take her back.”

[From Star, print edition, April 8, 2013]

Meanwhile, In Touch writes that “Katy has finally acknowledged John tricked her. ‘She thought he was a sweet, sensitive guy. Then boom: He dumps her. She didn’t see it coming.” The Enquirer adds that John’s wandering eye was a problem (no kidding), and Katy couldn’t handle how affectionate John was with Allison Williams even though she’s Katy’s friend too. All of the tabloids’ theories seem plausible, but we’ve already heard that John and Allison were reportedly getting gropey in public together a few months ago. I know that Allison is supposedly dating John’s friend, Ricky Van Veen, but I wouldn’t put it past John to hit on his friend’s lady. Quite simply, the dude has no scruples, and yes, I can also believe that he’d dump Katy because she ate at Taco Bell two days in a row and gained a pound.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN

Here we go again! One mere month after John Mayer gave Katy Perry a $46,000 (yet somehow still cheap looking) ring for Valentine’s Day, the two have reportedly called it quits … for the second time. This most recent breakup actually comes as a shock to me because although the two started dating last August (as the perfectly gross couple) and broke up for the first time two months later, they quickly got back together again. Then things supposedly got serious with John dressing as gross-sexy Santa and visiting Katy’s family for Christmas. John also bragged to Rolling Stone about their wonderful relationship: “I’m quite happy. I’m happy in all aspects of my life. I’m very happy in all aspects of my life.” I honestly thought they’d make it to at least a year together before breaking up again because Katy’s wilful douche-blindness seemed semi-permanent, but now it’s over all over again:

Katy Perry and John Mayer have once again said goodbye — for now. The pop songstress, 28, and singer-songwriter, 35, have split for the second time, multiple sources confirm to Us Weekly. The high-profile pair began casually dating during summer 2012, and briefly called it quits back in August before reconciling the next month.

“It’s sad,” one pal tells Us, but cautions that it might not be a permanent break. “It’s not over until it’s over. You have to see how things play out.” Adds another source: “She’s leaving the window open. They have both been so focused on work.”

Indeed, Perry has been busy recording her third studio album in Los Angeles, while Mayer — on the mend following serious vocal problems and throat surgery last year — is prepping for upcoming tour dates and a live Google Hangout chat this Thursday, March 21.

Following their September 2012 reconciliation, the twosome seemed to ramp up their relationship: The “Waiting on the World to Change” troubadour visited Perry’s Santa Barbara hometown in November, they attended high-profile events together as a couple, and Mayer, famous for his string of A-list exes, gushed about Perry in a January 60 Minutes interview. “I’m very happy in all aspects of my life,” said Mayer, who had messy splits with the likes of Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt, to name a few.

Perry, who finalized her divorce from Russell Brand in February 2012, was tweeting happily about her man as recently as March 2. “My boyfriend is taking me to a kitten shelter in his truck,” she wrote to her nearly 34 million followers. “I can’t think of a more perfect Saturday.” But on Monday, March 18, she suggested she’s been dealing with turmoil. “ATTENTION: Mercury is OUT of retrograde today. Thank GOD,” Perry wrote.

[From Us Weekly]

Naturally, I’m guessing that John probably did this relationship in by cheating on Katy, and she found out about it. There have been buzzings all along that he’s been getting some on the side with sex dates from the very beginning. Of course, the source tells Us that this upheaval in their romance has everything to do with mutual busy schedules, but — let’s face it — John is not relationship material, and Katy knew it but signed up for it anyway because she wanted to change him. I’d feel bad for Katy, but she must have been aware of John’s reputation before going there.

Meanwhile, Katy is still trying to quietly unload the $6.5 million estate that she bought with Russell Brand even though neither one of them oficially ever moved into the home. For his part, Russell has let slip on an Xfm radio program that he and Katy’s “marriage was shaky from the get-go.” Poor Katy — she really needs to take some time out from relationships because she keeps on picking the wrong dudes for her.

Here’s some photos of Katy at her gym in Beverly Hills over the weekend.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet

Did you know that Jennifer Aniston is going to present at Sunday’s Oscars? True story. And I’m sure Justin Theroux will come along as her plus-one and I’m sure we’ll be talking about it the next day. It will be their first red carpet together, right? I mean, the first red carpet where they actually walk hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, Brazilian wax-to-Brozilian wax. Do you remember the last time Jennifer was asked to present at the Oscars? The year was 2009. Angelina Jolie was nominated for Best Actress (for Changeling) and Brad Pitt was up for Best Actor (for Benjamin Button). Jennifer walked the red carpet with her on-again boyfriend John Mayer, who she had taken back after he dumped her and announced that he dumped her as he was leaving the gym one day. Looking back on it… I still think that was one of the worst, most obvious stunt-queen moves Jennifer has ever made, and the fact that she and Mayer barely lasted two more months after that was just the douche icing on the douche cake.

I took this little trip down memory lane because it’s Oscar weekend and there is a delicious little story about John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston. It’s probably not true, but I want it to be true. Allegedly, John and Jennifer ran into each other at The Tower Bar. Only John was with Katy Perry and he started being extra demonstrative with Katy once he knew Jennifer was watching. Because of course.

Of all the gin joints in all of LA, John Mayer had to walk into hers. Jennifer Aniston is in a turf war with her ex over their favorite restaurant, The Tower Bar at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood.

“Jen freaked out when she ran into John and Katy one night,” tattles a witness. “Then John poured on the PDA with Katy.”

Jen, who rarely throws around her star power, pulled rank and made the maître d’ promise to call her personally if John and Katy were in the restaurant so she could avoid them. Jen continued to sit red-faced at her table but eventually slunk out alone.

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

The idea that Jennifer would have gone to The Tower Bar alone is what rings false with me. If she wants a drink, she’s just going to get blitzed at home. If she’s going to the Tower Bar, she’s going to meet friends or have a moment with Justin Theroux. But I love the idea that Jennifer and John still occasionally run into each other and Jennifer has moments of “OMG, THAT DOUCHE. What was I thinking?” Because that’s exactly how so many of us felt as it was happening – what the hell was she thinking?! And what the hell is Katy Perry thinking now? YIKES.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

Here are photos of Katie Perry and John Mayer looking loved up on Valentine’s Day, despite all sorts of sketchiness in this couple with reported cheating by both parties.

John and Katy were out on a date an Italian restaurant in these photos, and Katy was showing off a new ruby ring on her significant finger. The ring, which looks rather cheap to me (but I don’t like yellow gold), supposedly set John back £30,000, which equals approximately $46,563. So I guess those rumors about John going ring hunting were all too true, but don’t worry just yet. According to an insider who spoke with The Sun, this is only a “ commitment ring,” and in the eyes of John, commitment probably has an incredibly relative meaning:

John Mayer has set himself up for a massive dent in the bank balance if he decides to propose to Katy Perry.

She was pictured on Valentine’s Day with a ruby ring on her wedding finger.

But instead of getting engaged, John bought the missus a commitment ring to celebrate them moving in together.

He bought the £s;30k ruby a couple of weeks ago in Montecito, California.

Pricey … the ruby rock set John Mayer back £s;30k

A source said: “He’s trying so hard to prove that his bad behaviour towards women has changed now.

“He saw the ring and thought it was a perfect gift for Valentine’s Day.

“She loved it. There’s no way she’s ready to get married yet so a commitment ring is perfect.”

Especially when it costs that much.

[From The Sun]

Someone’s publicist also called People to say that John was “really super nice” while shopping for this ring, which was reportedly a one-of-a-kind piece created by jeweler Daniel Gibbings. The source further stresses that Katy and John are definitely not engaged. Thank goodness. As for this dress that Katy wore to dinner? It reminds me of my childhood needlepoint creations. Awful.

Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News

Katy Perry was hitting the pre-Grammys parties all weekend with a bevy of dresses that were a true mix as far as glamour goes. She wore a pink and black, 1950s-styled frock to one private event, and here at the Clive Davis & the Recording Academy party, she wore a cream-colored Rafael Cennamo gown that covered her figure while still highlighting every available curve. I’m not crazy about the insane amount of pearl embroidery involved with this gown, but Katy’s body looks good, and I sort of appreciate that she’s trying to look more grown-up in her red carpet efforts lately. Although this new look is probably just part of Katy’s ongoing self-marketing efforts as a pop star, I like seeing Katy a lot more when she’s not dressed like a candy-corn confection. This cream dress is a little bit blah, but Katy was going for old Hollywood glamour.

John Mayer was also on the scene with a matchy-matchy cream Tuxedo jacket, and he and Katy looked very much a couple. I guess they’re back together even though John’s been rubbing up on Allison Williams, and Katy’s been snuggling with Dominic Howard and telling the paps she’s going to marry Dom. Who knows. Maybe John is just with Katy to try and prove he can be a steady boyfriend — he just told the CBS Sunday Morning show that he’s a changed man and explained his past douchey behavior towards ex-girls as “I was just a jerk.” John also went on to say that this is the first time he doesn’t feel like he’s in a celebrity relationship, and that it “feels very human” with Katy. John’s still trying very hard to rebrand himself, right? Meanwhile, Katy’s makeup is looking as cakey as ever.

Katy also wore another dress over the weekend, but this one was pretty great. She attended the MusiCares Person of the Year event (honoring Bruce Springsteen) while wearing a gorgeous Alexander McQueen halter gown with a surprisingly pretty jeweled neckline. Emily Blunt wore the same dress last year, but it looks a lot better on Katy with her glowing skin, mega rack, and long black locks flowing down on one side. Her makeup also looks fresher and prettier than usual too. Overall, a great look for Katy.

Photos courtesy of WENN

Russell Brand is suddenly all over the place at once to promote the second season of his “BrandX” show, which premieres on Friday on FX. Since I’m a bit of a Russell junkie (an odd choice of words, I realize), I tried the show out for size, and it was passable but not something that I’d catch every week. Essentially, it’s a very topical program that probably won’t hold much relevance over time because Russell’s basing the episodes largely on current events; but Russell is quite charming, gives decent stand-up intros during each show, and interacts quite lustily with his audience members. It will be interesting to see how long the show will last, and I am happy that Rusty is finally finding a niche in Hollywood beyond Judd Apatow films. Because, you know, Apatow won’t be around forever.

In the interest of promotion, Russell hit Howard Stern’s show (here’s a video clip), and of course, Howard brought up the short-lived marriage to Katy Perry (because that’s what Howard does) by saying “I knew you’d never stay married.” Then Stern asked what Russell thought of Katy dating John Mayer: “Doesn’t she know that he’s a worse womanizer than you?” Russell’s response? “Worse or better, depending on how you view it,” and then Stern countered with “He’s a better womanizer, then.” Naturally, Rusty took it all in stride with a “Hold on, I resent that! I’m world class!” Then Russell admitted that he’s not dating anyone right now, and he took great care to deny the supposed rumors that he’s been banging Demi Moore. Wait … there were rumors?

Russell also stopped by Jimmy Fallon’s show, and in doing so, he hit on fellow guest Katherine McPhee by making her sit on his lap. She handled his advances quite well, but Russell eventually relented and moved over to the next seat with a sly, “I’ll just be here…with my sexual charisma.” A few moments later, Katherine made a pointed mention of her husband, and then Rusty good-naturedly made a show of leaving the stage to avoid future ill-advised flirtation. I am almost certain this was planned beforehand for Rusty to poke fun at his own reputation, but here’s the video in case you want to judge for yourself:

In addition to the jovial business referenced above, Russell is gearing up to host a Comic Relief special (at Wembley Arena in March) to raise awareness and money for addiction treatment. We’ve already heard a lot from Russell on his beliefs concerning drug, alcohol, and other addictions when he eloquently testified in front of Parliament in an effort to classify addiction as a medical condition instead of mainly as a criminal offense. Russell believes that punishment does not deter addicts because it doesn’t treat the underlying psychological maladies, and he believes that methadone-type programs only serve as a crutch and replace one addiciton for another. In summation, Russell believes that addicts should be directed to abstinence-based programs if they are to have any hope for recovery. Given that Russell has now been clean for nine long years yet still admits he still fantasizes daily about doing drugs, it’s easy to understand why he believes it is a disease. Here are excerpts from his interview with the Guardian:

He thinks 1 in 10 are susceptible to addiction: “And if you have this condition, and I call it an illness, then drugs will address it really well, because they create a physical craving to accompany the psychological malady.” That doesn’t mean, he’s quick to clarify, that prohibition is the answer. “It’s not a moral or judgmental thing about drugs and alcohol; I don’t give a f–k if people drink or take drugs if they’ve got no drug or alcohol problem. But for those people who become a menace to society, and a pain in the arse to the people that love them, there is a solution. And that’s why I’m frustrated. ‘Cos the solution’s very, very obvious.”

He was tempted to destroy his career at the Olympics: “It’s kind of like a psychological vertigo — the knowledge that you can jump off an edge makes you want to do it a little bit. Like, what will happen to reality if I do that? Just in that moment, when I had that live mic in my hand, and I could say anything, and the knowledge that I could say anything to a billion viewers — and I think, oh my God, if I could do something like that, it would be almost just to watch the consequences — to see it all unfold. It interests me.”

It doesn’t matter what you think of him: “One of the things I’ve learned is not to live my life through others’ perspective on me, as it is irrelevant. My experience of being alive ain’t contingent — thank f–king God — on what people think of me. Now when you first get famous, there’s nothing more gratifying or exciting than reading that people like you. What one quickly — or in my case slowly — learns is that it’s irrelevant what other people think of you. It’s none of your business. Now of course I require a certain number of people to like me for my livelihood. But I’m beyond the point where I need to do a head count. All I care about now is having an intrinsic relationship with what I do, as a performer, that’s legitimate and real and authentic.”

He’s not being ironic about it either: “It’s not like I don’t care, in some super aloof cool way. It’s the same reason why I don’t go to nightclubs. Not because,” and he adopts a comic posh drawl, “‘Oh maa-an, this is so trash.’ No, because I know what it will do to me, I know what it will awaken in me and stir up. So I don’t look at newspapers no more. We’ve only got a short time here and I can spend my time stimulating my mind however I want. I can read whatever I want. I ain’t ever reading another copy of the Sun until I’ve read the complete works of Goethe.”

[From Guardian]

When Brand speaks of being tempted to self-sabotage his career while performing “I Am the Walrus” at the Olympic closing ceremony, I totally believe him. In fact, I was actually wondering if he was struggling with the urge to execute some well-timed pelvic thrusts while he stood atop that psychedelic van. Perhaps Brand can relive the moment and post the results on YouTube one day. I’d certainly watch.

Photos courtesy of WENN

Before I get to the meat of this story, I’d like to briefly recap the recent gossip buzz that John Mayer and Katy Perry have been, for all intents and purposes, “on the rocks” as far as their public, coupley image is concerned. About a week ago, John was spotted getting gropey with Allison Williams despite the fact that he and Katy are supposedly BFFs with Allison and her boyfriend, Ricky Van Veen. Then, Katy was seen getting hot and heavy with Muse’s Dominic Howard, which pretty much told the world that she and John were “over.” Well, guess again, lovelies. According to an eyewitness report on behalf of Michael Knudsen at Popbytes (who has exclusive photos), John and Katy were spotted together on Friday evening in West Hollywood at Club Nokia, and the two “appeared as if it was a first date, with whispering, smiles and cuddling.” So my question is this — are these two in an open relationship, or are they just f–king with all of us? Who knows.

Now onto John’s latest attempt at a media blitz. If you’ll remember, the last time John spoke with Rolling Stone, he was in the midst of trying to recover from his disastrous “verbal diarrhea” phase, in which he told Playboy magazine that his “David Duke c-ck” granted him “hood passes” or some such nonsense. Of course, John tried to rescind his words with RS by saying that he didn’t recall saying such terrible, insensitive things (“it was a very strange time“) to Playboy, but the damage had already been done. In the aftermath, John told Rolling Stone that he didn’t deserve to be the bad guy, and he didn’t understand why Taylor Swift “humiliated me” with her “Dear John” song. I’d feel sorry for John, but he is no stranger to writing songs about his own exes, especially with his latest “comeback album” (Born and Raised) that features a little ditty about Jennifer Aniston. So there.

But times have changed, apparently. John is planning on touring all summer long, so of course, he’s promoting like crazy. John recently stepped back onstage on Jan. 16 for a firefighter benefit (rowrr), which was his first live show in two years. While I do feel poorly for John for not being able to do what he truly loves doing for so long, he’s clearly been coached by his publicist for this interview, so I’m taking it all with a Mayer-tainted grain of salt. Yes, he name drops Ricky Van Veen in this interview, and yes, he speaks of Katy fondly. Gross:

Why he doesn’t consider himself a popstar anymore: “I have gray hair on my temples. Born and Raised is my least popular album. And that could be because I wasn’t ready to tour and promote, but also the videos came out, the record came out, it had a shot. I’m OK with that.”

On finally playing live again: “I’ve been dreaming about playing my own music [while] sitting in with the Rolling Stones and playing with all of these wonderful musicians. So much time had passed in between each of the times that I got to play guitar with somebody. There were days and weeks and literally months of not doing anything, and running out of things to do when there’s nothing to do. For me to get back onstage and play again, it’s just like, ‘Oh right, this is what I’m able to do. This is what I’ve been able to do while I was watching a whole bunch of Westerns every night and making rice bowls with chicken.’”

Exactly who are his friends? “A lot of them are comedy writers, movie writers. I’m actually at my friend Ricky Van Veen’s place, who started CollegeHumor. I met him when I got off the road in 2010. It’s almost like to certain people, the fact that I’m a musician is known but not really understood on a certain level. I feel like when some of my dearest friends now come to a show one day, they’ll have a terrible time renegotiating that that’s who I am. Like, ‘Oh, right, you play onstage in front of thousands of people.’”

On his post-granuloma life: “Everything changed about my voice. I don’t have the projection. My laugh changed. The way I used to laugh is kind of like that ‘I’m embarrassed,’ high-pitched laugh. I don’t really laugh that way anymore. I’ve found new ways around everything — new ways to talk, new ways to laugh. Now I wonder if I can go right back to the shape of my voice that I had when I was singing once I can do what I want to do with it.”

On his big mouth: “I don’t know that I thought of it as a Band-Aid for anything. I just saw it as a protectant from future things. I wasn’t running away, because I would have happily gone back on tour. It was like, I want to have a place over time where I can just get away to, and I happen not to be able to go anywhere else, so I’m gonna start living where I was planning on living two years from now because I was going to be on tour. When I got that place, I thought that I was going on tour. That’s important to know. I thought that was going to be the place I hung out in between legs of a tour. Then it turned out there wasn’t going to be a tour, and I thought, ‘Well, let me just go start laying down my roots there.’ I had spent enough time after some tough times in my life right on the street in front of everybody. I was in New York making Born and Raised for the year after and I was in L.A. finishing the record the year after that. So, no, by that point it wasn’t like, ‘Let me go retreat.’”

On dating Katy Perry: “It makes it hard to live a life where people don’t know who you are, but I haven’t had any trouble in my private life at all. The only trouble I’ve had is maybe people geo-tagging me, but that’s about it. To me it’s just a matter of people knowing where you are on a given day, and I guess assessing your style when there is no style to be assessed. I don’t really call that infringing on a personal life. That’s just where I am, when. That’s all. It’s been . . . I mean, I’m quite happy. I’m happy in all aspects of my life. I’m very happy in all aspects of my life.”

On the internet: “You don’t even need publicists anymore — people are just as scared for themselves as the publicists would be. No, I’m saying that we’re all as freaked out as the publicists would be. Everyone is self-PRing. We’re all worried to express ourselves, because we are scared of the imminent criticism as we are typing. And I think for a guy to express any idea with that kind of bravery, a guy writing without caring what you think . . . What’s fascinating to me is not as much what he’s expressing – it’s that he chose to just make an expression one time, deeply, honestly. I feel like Jodie Foster is the same thing. They’re just like, ‘Here’s what I want to say, and I’m not interested in what the response to this is going to be. It’s important that I express it.’”

On the “new” John Mayer: “I’m interested in living more of a life that’s invisible to everybody and more vibrant to a fewer people that are in my life. I don’t need everybody to think a certain thing that I wish they would think. I’m out of that game. And I think 35′s a great time. You investigate yourself, you know there are things that aren’t growing correctly, or serving you as you get older, and you break yourself down in a period of time. I’m actually lucky that I didn’t have to do that while I was on the road. I had a couple years off, and you deconstruct yourself. It’s very painful, and when you reconstruct yourself, you kind of have a fresh outlook on the next 20 years of your life.”

Does he want to marry? “I want to live a very traditional life with a very untraditional day job. You know what I mean?”

[From Rolling Stone]

John strategically ends the interview with a casual “Thanks, man. Be kind to me.” So I’m not quite sure what to make of all of this except that John, in pop-musical circles, is clearly trying to redeem himself and sell arena-tour tickets in the near future.

On the throat granuloma issue, I am similarly torn. On one hand, John must have been devastated and somewhat humbled to not be able to pursue his own livelihood for a matter of years, and there’s something to be said for that publicly-enforced form of humility. On the other, John has clearly compared his own affliction to being worse than cancer, which is a very deadly disease. So … still a douche?

Photos courtesy of WENN