The final season of “Jersey Shore” rages on, and it looks like a good chunk of the castmates are lining up future MTV spinoffs. “The Pauly D Project” is reportedly a go and the untitled J-Woww & Snooki show finally got the okay to shoot in Jersey City after Hoboken denied them a permit. No word on what Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has in his immediate future unless “obnoxious, misogynistic, and extremely orange” qualifies him for some profession of which I’m not aware.

The misogyny bit is interesting though, for The Situation’s endless stream of post-club hookups have done nothing to quell the persistent rumors that he might be in the closet. In fact, one of my gay boyfriends has always insisted that Sitch is “a closet case,” which I didn’t see at first, but it’s becoming more obvious as time wears forth. At the moment, The Situation is extremely pissed off at Snooki and J-Woww for statements that the girls made about his sexuality in a recent HuffPo interview. When asked about whether The Situation is gay, Snooki responded, “It wouldn’t shock me. Whenever he brings a girl home something always seems to go awry and they don’t end up hooking up. And he gives them men’s clothing to wear.” J-Woww added, “And his posture and the way he holds his cigarettes… everything.” Needless to say, The Situation is extremely offended and worried about the effect upon his marketability:

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is furious with his “Jersey Shore” castmates Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Jenni “JWoww” Farley for giving interviews to the Huffington Post and Reality Weekly hinting that he may be gay.

“Mike really ripped both Snooki and JWoww a new one,” a show insider told me Wednesday.

“He’s extremely upset,” added the source, saying Sorrentino is concerned those comments could hurt his brand marketing efforts, which are very much focused on straight male customers.

The reality TV star’s publicist issued a statement denying the gay gab, calling Snooki and JWoww’s speculation “the most ridiculous statement I’ve ever heard.”

The “Jersey Shore” staffer acknowledged the rumors about “The Situation’s” sexual orientation have been around since the show’s first season, “but Mike thought he finally had put a kibosh on that.”

[From Chicago Sun-Times]

Those gay rumors aren’t going away anytime soon. In the first episode of Season 5, Sammi Sweetheart entered the confessional room and talked about Mike’s “gay tendencies” after she saw him changing clothes in the same room with one of his buddies. Honestly, even if Sitch really isn’t in the closet, he could embrace these rumors and come out ahead with a new fanbase, since everyone (castmates and fans of the show) pretty much dislikes him intensely at this point. Instead, he’s acting like being gay is a bad thing, which is a total douche move.

The really funny thing about Mike being so worried about his “brand” losing steam due to gay rumors is that he’s apparently not at all worried about how his “brand” was affected by last week’s episode, in which he walked around (either drunk or high on cocaine) with his (mercifully blurred-out) wang hanging out for an entire five minutes while he delivered a nonsensical speech about how he’s such a nice guy and doesn’t know why his roommates can’t stand him. EW’s recap hiliariously refers to The Situation’s downfall from a scheming creeper to a paranoid old man as his “own private late-period Caligula phase,” which is just a fancy way of saying that The Situation is completely losing his mind. These days, Sitch makes roid-ragey Ronnie look like a perfectly prim pussycat.

Closeted or not, The Situation is always looking out for Numero Uno, so he’s choosing to insult the gay community in favor of protecting his silly formal wear endorsements because he’s blown his money and is basically broke at this point. In these photos, he’s still shilling his damn Couture Pop. I’ll bet he gets a buck or two every time someone buys one of those overpriced hunks of sugar.

Photos of The Situation hosting at Chateau Nightclub in Las Vegas on 12/31/11 courtesy of Fame/Flynet

To be perfectly blunt, I’ve always considered Gary Oldman to be “the sh-t” and have noted before (within a Pajiba column) that he “just might be too bloody adept for his own good” and that his consistently impressive acting skills leave “precious little room for improvement.” Indeed, Oldman may have (unwittingly?) indulged in a very shambolic personal life for decades, but his career work has always been stellar. Lately too, he seems to have gathered himself on the family front after having been married for three years to Alexandra Edenborough (jazz singer Alex Eden), with whom he now raises to young sons. Of course, Alex is Oldman’s fourth wife, a fact to which he admits is nothing worth bragging about, but hopefully she will be the final wife. Now Oldman sits down with the LA Times for an interview about Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy that was conducted before he (finally) received his first Oscar nomination. It’s about time, right?

On Playing Many Wild Characters: “[T]ypecasting got its grip on me in the ’90s. I did those two rather extraordinary cartoon characters for Luc Besson in Leon: The Professional and The Fifth Element, and then I began to be perceived as crazy, manic, like a circus freak. That to me was just one book in the library of Gary Oldman, but you’re just asked to write it again and again.”

On Toning It Down: “It’s a big ship to turn around. You have to find the right vehicle. I became a single dad and had the responsibility of bringing up two boys, and I chose to be a father who was around. That coincided with a shift in the Industry. A lot of productions were being exported. All of a sudden, American productions were going overseas for tax breaks, so certain options were closed to me, because I couldn’t be somebody living out of a suitcase. And that’s when Harry Potter fell from the sky, shortly followed by Batman, two of the biggest franchises in cinema history. It was wonderful not only to be a part of it, but I was earning a little more than in indie movies, and I got to be home with the kids.”

On Why He Never Gets Oscar Nominations (until now): “Don’t know. I’ve never pushed myself much in that regard. I don’t have a publicist. I like my hidey-hole.”

Having A Deadbeat Dad Influenced His Acting: “Yeah, and I guess it’s influenced my relationships with women as well. I have been a bit disastrous in that area. It took until my fourth time, I’m not proud to say. I recently remarried, and though it’s taken me a long time, as we say in England, I’ve found a cracker.”

On How A Public Divorce Feels: “Pretty filthy. But I’ve gotten used to it. It’s that old saying that whatever people think of me is none of my business. You learn that something you might react to as an eight on the Richter scale–now it’s a tremor. I think that just comes with age and knowing what is important. When I’m at home, I want my focus taken up with my family, and I don’t want to fill the hard drive with bulls–t. But easier said than done.”

[From LA Times]

There’s more to the interview — and it’s well worth a read if you fancy Oldman in any shape or form — including how he got beat up by some extras (who were real-life punks) on the set of Sid & Nancy because they were really upset that anyone would dare to play Sid Vicious. Ultimately, Oldman was brilliant in that role despite that little hitch, but he’s good at everything from character acting to the straight-man roles that he’s favored lately. Hell, he is even captivating while reading the (admittedly disgusting) plot from last week’s episode of “Jersey Shore” during an episode of “Jimmy Kimmel.”
It’s a discombombulating performance and about on par with Christopher Walken reading the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face.” Quite disturbing, really.

Also, Oldman really knows how to wear the hell out of a suit.

Photos courtesy of WENN

These are photos of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi promoting her latest brand-boosting extension of ridiculousness, “Team Snooki Boxing,” in NYC. Apparently, Snooki herself wlll not hit the ring but, instead, has partnered with her father, Andrew, to host boxing events beginning on 1/28. I’m not even going to try and match reason with the bizarre decision to host ringside events where people beat the crap out of each other when Snooki herself has been on the receiving end of a punch or two during the course of “Jersey Shore.” Regardless, I’ve observed that Snooki and her father (he adopted her when she was 6 months old) have a very strange relationship. When she gets arrested at the “Shore” for public drunkenness, he always accepts the news calmly. And when Snooks flashes her hoo-ha in an Italian nightclub (resulting in her boyfriend Jionni La Valle fleeing the country), she calls her dad to warn him what he’ll see on television, and he seems perfectly okay with all of it. Weird.

Anyway, that’s not the real reason we’re here to talk Snooki today, so let’s move onto Radar Online’s insider scoop (from Star) that Snooki is allegedly pregnant with Jionni’s child. She certainly doesn’t look pregnant at this point, but it could be true:

Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is about to drop her most scandalous bombshell ever, Star magazine has exclusively learned.

The pint-sized reality star and her boyfriend of a year, Jionni LaValle, are expecting their first child, reveals the upcoming issue of Star.

“She is pregnant and has only told her closest friends and some family,” an insider said.

Never one to keep her mouth shut, the 24-year-old can’t resist hinting publicly at her baby joy, explained the source: “She’s been telling people that she has a big announcement coming.”

Snooki will soon be starring in a Jersey Shore spin off with her MTV co-star Jenni “J-Woww” Farley and her new arrival will be part of the plot. “They are having to redo the creative direction of her spin-off because of her pregnancy.”

Despite her recent high profile slim down, the reality star has been dropping clues on social networking sites that she may be in the family way.

“I feel sick,” she admitted in a January 25 post on her Facebook page, then later tweeted: “Late night craving…yogurt hits the fricken spot!”

Now, the only question is — will she admit it?

[From Radar Online]

Can you imagine the monstrosity that would be a pregnant Snooki? I mean, she already has pickle cravings (and famously guzzled from a huge jar of juice in the Season 5 premiere) on a daily basis, so who knows what she’ll want to eat. If Snooki is knocked up, she’ll have to put down the diet pills, but at least we know she’s smart enough to save her money, unlike several of her co-stars. Still, this would certainly transform into a gigantic mess of leopard-printed, Snooki-branded baby clothing and rhinestone-encrusted pacifiers. Would she fake-tan the baby, or would it just come out orange? Perish the thought.

Seriously though, I wouldn’t doubt that Snooki hasn’t exactly been trying to not get pregnant with Jionni. She’s crazy about him, has already talked about naming one of her future children “Jionni Jr.”, and even dropped hints in the press about the engagement ring that she wants. When Snooki recently appeared on The Ellen Show, she stated that Jionni is a “sobering influence“ and that she now only drinks a few glasses of wine weekly. Still, she admits that they can’t watch “Shore” together “because it just starts fights.” Translation? “I can’t let Jionni watch Season 5 because then he’ll know I’ve been trying to keep The Unit from spilling the details about how I gave a beej to The Situation.” Poor Jionni. He really has no idea, does he?

UPDATE: Snooki is denying that she’s preggo.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN

Jenni “J-Woww” Farley and her fake rack cover the January issue of Maxim. Remember though, J-Woww still insists that she hasn’t had any plastic surgery on her face, and I mostly believe her, but she’s probably had some fillers and doesn’t really consider that to be surgery. As a laddie magazine, Maxim took their usual cheesecake route with the photoshoot but also made a vain attempt at an interview. J-Woww describes the isolation that she and the “Jersey Shore” cast felt in Italy and also describes herself as a bitch, which is funny because she’s really not:

On Her First Maxim Cover: “I cried when I found out. I was jumping up and down and totally bugging out. This is probably my highest accomplishment. This is the most fun I’ve ever had on a shoot, because it was ‘Jersey Shore’ meets sexy Maxim. That’s what I loved about it.”

On Season 4 Isolation In Italia: “It was insane. As everyone got to see, it was very dramatic. I’m glad we’re going back to the Shore now, because Italy was hard. We definitely had to rely on each other, which made our relationships stronger, but also made us more sick of each other. Temperatures were running high. People were fighting. Heads were hitting walls. Even rewatching it is pretty intense! It’s very emotional, and I was there and lived it. But we’re fine now, and that’s the best thing about us. We watch it together and laugh at what we went through.”

On Tanning In Italy: “It was whack! There was no tanning situation. I opened JWoww’s Tanning Salon and was spraying everyone myself just to get by. When we got back to Jersey, we kind of OD’d on the tanning. We all burned our asses off pretty bad.”

On Season 5 Drama: “A lot of the drama that came from Italy has to get finished. So you’ll see that. We’re back at the T-shirt store and living in the same house. We appreciate it more because Italy was so different. We jumped in headfirst.”

On The Post-Season 2 J-Woww: “I was in a bad relationship during the first two seasons, so I took that out on people I shouldn’t have. I was definitely more of a bitch.”

[From Maxim]

As expected, there’s not much substance in the interview because the primary goal was to get J-Woww in some provocative poses in a Seaside, carnival-like atmosphere. I keep thinking that the girl is better than this, but maybe I’m wrong. After all, J-Woww arrived at “Jersey Shore” with her implants in full force, and she fully embraces the party vibe even while falling into chaperone “mom” mode for her fellow castmates:

Still, J-Woww is correct about Season 4 taking the cast out of their usual element. Maybe it really was a lack of tanning that sent them into a tailspin and caused major loss of mojo. Luckily, the “Jersey Shore” Season 5 trailer has premiered and promises a return to the craziness for which the show is known and includes Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino gleefully announcing, “This is Hurricane Situation, and it’s headed straight for Snooki Island.” Oh, and Snooki pees on a porch. Good times:

[From Popwatch]

Season 5 will be the last drunken hurrah before MTV recasts the show with cheaper drunk tarts, so thank goodness they moved the cast back to Seaside Heights. Truly, Season 4 was a very dull affair except for the episode where The Situation smashed his head into a concrete (because he thought it would be hollow and make him look badass) and the “Three Men and a Snooki” episode with all of the Snooki and Gianni fallout. At first, I was somewhat bummed to learn that Season 5 includes Vinny fleeing the house, but I’m okay with that now. He can totally go off and be alone with his rapey rap lyrics.

Season 5 of “Jersey Shore” will premiere in January 2012.

Photos courtesy of Maxim, Fame, and WENN

For whatever reason, Chloe Sevigny has always been considered to be some sort of “it girl” for weird, hipster alternative culture and fashion. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because she’s seemingly fearless while attending events like this year’s CFDA fashion awards (as shown above) in really ugly dresses or indulging in belly-bearing Rodarte. Really though, when I think of Chloe these days, I am instantly reminded of Kaiser’s words while covering last fall’s MoCA event: “Chloe Sevigny was there. Of course. And she looked like a total a–hole. Jesus, Chloe.” That sounds about right for most of Chloe’s outfits.

Of course, someone in power has decided that Chloe was fit to design her own fashion line. In the spirit of promotion, Chloe sat down with Bullett Media to discuss her clothing passions and also gave them a sneak peek at her line. Here are a few glimpses — the line is obviously geared towards a younger crowd, and a few of the staged shots are, um, slightly disturbing with far too much of a “Lolita” vibe going on:

Here are a few excerpts from the accompanying interview, in which Chloe reveals that she’d rather have Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi wear her clothing than boring old Nicky Hilton. Chloe also pays lip service to The Situation being asked by Abercrombie & Fitch to not wear their clothing. Chloe also sort of disses the “Jersey Shore” guys, which doesn’t make much sense because she was spotted earlier this year hanging with DJ Pauly D. Maybe there’s some bad blood of the one-night-stand variety there? Who knows. Onto Chloe and her weird-ass fashion talk:

On Always Being An Outsider: I grew up in a really wealthy community and even the young girls would flaunt their wealth and ostracize girls who didn’t come from money. There was this one girl in particular who was the queen bee at school, and she would have the other girls tie her shoes. Me and a few other girls would go up against her. My parents were a little bit like outsiders, so I became friends with outsiders too: the daughters or sons of alcoholics and kids from divorced families, which then bred rebellion. From a very young age, I knew that I wouldn’t run with the preppy pack. I knew that there was something different in store for me.

On Her Ultimate Clothing Wish: I’ve always fantasized about finding a ’70s Yves Saint Laurent jumpsuit or a big, comfy dress, and wearing it for the rest of my days.

On Her Guilty Pleasure: God, I don’t really have one. I see all the movies, but I don’t think that’s really a guilty pleasure-that’s just supporting my industry. I was a huge American Idol fanatic for a while when I had a TV. I love reality TV.

On Jersey Shore: I think it’s really depressing that people are propping these people up as celebrities. The way they behave is embarrassing, and I think it’s kind of diminishing our culture. Most reality TV people behave like pigs, and it’s unfortunate that they get put on pedestals for doing so.

On How She Prefers Snooki Over Nicky Hilton: I read somewhere that Abercrombie & Fitch offered to pay The Situation not to wear their clothes-but who am I to say who should be wearing mine? I do remember someone saying that…what’s Paris Hilton’s sister called? Isn’t it Nicky or something? Anyway, she apparently talked to someone about my first collection, and was like, ‘I don’t get it.’ I was like, Good! I’m glad she doesn’t get it. It’s not for her. Besides, what’s there to get with clothes? So if Snooki wants to wear my clothes, go for it. I think she’d look a lot better in them. She’s probably just so used to certain things, you know. I have to admit, I do find that JWoWW sexy in a really weird way. It’s like that sexy, dirty kind of girl—not dirty, but like a hot mess. We’ve all gotten too drunk and acted crazy at parties, but I don’t maintain that and I’m kind of fascinated by those girls who do.

Why She Created A Fashion Line: I’m pretty sure everybody knows that I make it all just so I can wear it!

Who She’d Love To Dress: It would for sure be one of the Fanning girls. I don’t think I’d faint, but I would get excited.

[From Bullett Media]

Oddly enough, Terry Richardson wasn’t the photographer on the shoot (instead, it’s James Orlando), which surprised me because Creepy Terry and Chloe are so tight. As to Chloe’s dream of dressing Dakota Fanning, that doesn’t surprise me either, for this shoot exudes an aura that is not unlike that of Dakota’s recently banned suggestive Marc Jacobs ad. And both Fanning sisters just did a mutual shoot with Terry too. So basically, the perviness has come full circle here. Ugh.

Back to the point that (I think) Chloe was trying to make when favoring Snooki over Nicky. Part of this comparison stems from the fact that Nicky dissed Chloe’s clothing line, which presumably sparked the interviewer’s line of questioning. Still, it’s unquestionable that Snooki wearing something would give a designer much more exposure at this point than boring old Nicky Hilton, who basically does nothing. Say what you want about the “Jersey Shore” kids — at least they did a little something to reach their level of trashy fame instead of merely being born into a rich, trashy family.

Here are more glimpses of Chloe’s fashion line (and you can see the rest here). Well, it’s certainly not dull stuff, which is about all I can say in favor of these clothes:

Photos courtesy of Fame and Bullet Media

Last night, the MTV Europe Music Awards were held at the Odyssey Arena in Belfast, Northern Ireland. I’ve already subjected you to Katy Perry’s 1950s-inspired, faux bobby-soxer, day-glo nightmare. Now here’s Lady Gaga, who struggled to hold all four of her awards (Best Song; Best Video; Best Female; and Biggest Fans) in her tiny little arms while wearing what I can only describe as a space-age chain mail getup. Here’s a clearer look at the dress itself, which is almost entirely see-thru but does take care to protect Gaga’s (nonexistent) modesty with some flesh-colored nip guards:

And of course, most of her ass was showing too. Sitting down in this dress must have made her cheeks look like Belgian waffles:

Justin Bieber took some time away from his enduring paternity drama to grab a few awards — Best Pop and Best Male — which goes to show everyone that European teens have equally horrific taste in teen idols as their American counterparts:

Meanwhile, Selena Gomez didn’t walk the pink carpet with her boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean anything. She was on hand to host the event and, from all accounts, performed her duties in a competent fashion while wearing a frou-frou mini-dress:

From the front, Selena’s dress was nothing more than a fussy affair, but it got a whole lot more interesting with a lovely back view:

Meanwhile, Bar Refaeli looked utterly disinterested (with hair to match) while wearing a hideous mullet dress. It seems like Bar really could’ve rocked this dress without the extra fabric hanging down behind:

Bar’s dilemma only grew worse when she poufed out the mullet, which someone really should’ve accidentally detached by stepping upon it:

Meanwhile, Hayden Panettiere was on hand to present Best Song and, while onstage, was interrupted by a fully nude male streaker. You can see the (obviously NSFW) video here. Hayden didn’t feign surprise very convincingly at the sight of her naked companion, and she also made the grave error of wearing a glorified Rorschach blot:

Jersey also represented by sending Jenni “J-Woww” Farley and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. All things considered, Snooki looks pretty good here, and I appreciate that her rack isn’t hanging out all over the place. As for J-Woww, this one-shouldered, shapeless dress was weighed down by her girls and does nothing to flatter her otherwise (bolt-ons notwithstanding) amazing figure:

Then there was Jessie J, who I simply don’t understand. She wore no less than three equally hideous outfits for the event:

David Hasselhoff must have a contractual agreement to appear every year at the EMAs. Fortunately and by all reports, he wasn’t drunk this time. Unlike in 2009. Go Hoff!

Photos courtesy of WENN and Fame

These are photos of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi looking even trasher than usual; but to be fair, they were taken at a book signing for Confessions of a Guidette (which CB has already discussed in terms of Snook’s claims that she can be a role model) that took place on Oct. 30. Still, she just looks like herself only with more exaggerated eye makeup. This is pretty much what someone would wear if they intentionally threw together a Snooki costume for Halloween.

At any rate, Snooki also sat down with GQ to talk about her new book. The interview took place immediately after the wrapping of “Jersey Shore” Season 3, so it was before the cast had wreaked havoc upon Florence, Italy. Among other things, Snooki (oddly enough) seems very aware that fame (especially for reality stars) is fleeting and that “Jersey Shore” will soon be over. After all, the cast members are currently scoring over $100,000 per episode, but their reign of terror will end after Season 5 when MTV recasts the show. So in that aspect, at least, Snooki comes off as possessing half a brain in this interview, but that’s about the extent of the intellectual display that occurs:

On Books: “I don’t read. I don’t like to read Harry Potter or anything like that. It’s not my style.” (The interviewer points out that Snooki is a New York Times best-selling author.) “Yeah, doesn’t mean I have to read. We were supposed to read in high school but I never did because I just used the CliffsNotes, books were too long.”

On Her Next “Novel,” Gorilla Beach: “Well, Gia and her cousin go to the casino and they end up stealing something very important from the casino owner. It’s just a lot of drama but in the end, of course, they always win.”

On Her Acting Career: “I did cameos in two movies already that should be out next year but I would love to be on a sitcom like ‘The Office.’ I would have been the one to replace Steve Carell and take over. I could be a boss.”

On Our Current President: “Um, I didn’t vote for Barack Obama, but I’m supportive of him obviously because he is our president and hopefully he can fix this country because it sucks right now. I voted for McCain. Donald Trump, I would vote for him. Trump would make this country better I feel. He gets sh*t done.”

On Her College Major: “Veterinarian tech. Test me and bring me to a hospital. I can induce an animal, do surgery, do anesthesia, and take blood. So if you want to tell me I’m stupid again, let’s go to an animal hospital. I used to wear leopard scrubs at my internship. I did dogs and cats. I’ve actually worked with ducks, drew blood from a horse, and stuck my hand in a cow’s ass. I would love to go back to school and get my vet tech license. I loved the teachers at my school, I’d go there. It’s small, they have a great vet tech program and it’s cheap.”

On What She Does With Her Money: “I save it. Jersey Shore is going to end soon. I’m not going to spend money like Mike [The Situation]. He’s already broke!”

On Whether She’ll Marry: “Yeah, but not any time soon. I want to have four kids. Frankie, Isabella, Giana, and maybe Jionni Jr.”

[From GQ]

Ugh, Jionni is such bad news. The only thing that guy has going is that he’s basically the same height as Snooki, but he treats her horribly; yet she puts up it, so I guess she likes it that way. Still, Snooki seems savvy about money (which is believable since Jessica Simpson recently displayed some branding-savvy chops too), and I’m not at all surprised to learn that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has blown his monetary wad already. Maybe that’s why he’s so eager to endorse everything from formal wear to lollipops these days.

Yes, I hereby predict that The Situation will soon carry on the legacy of Spencer Pratt in that, in just a few years, his agent will refuse to take his calls. Snooki probably has a bit more lasting power with her fake-authoring gig, but while we’re at it, let’s predict the rest of the cast’s fates. Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio probably has the greatest shot at longevity. After all, he easily earned $100,000 for a series of gigs over Labor Day weekend, and his Halloween earnings were just as lavish according to Page Six, which emphasized that Pauly demanded, “absolutely NO use of MTV name/logo and ‘Jersey Shore’ logo” on his rider. Meanwhile, Vinny Guadagnino will continue to try and break into acting before giving up and heading to law school. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro will develop his own line of weightlifting supplements but eventually get arrested for tax evasion while continuing to break up and make up with Sammi Giancola, who will persist in being a boring drama queen. Deena Nicole Cortese will make a seamless transition into lesbionic adult films, and Jenni “JWoww” Farley will continue marketing her own tanning lotion and star in a series of best-selling exercise videos before giving it all up to be a stay-at-home mom.

Here’s another odd piece of news (that arrives by way of Ghost of a Flea) — The University of Chicago will soon be hosting a conference on “Jersey Shore” studies. Seriously.

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN

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Did you know that Snooki has a new book out already? She really does, it’s called Confessions of a Guidette. It was just January that she put out her first book, A Shore Thing. We covered some excerpts here, and it was just as bad as you would expect from a girl known for getting so wasted she can’t stand up straight and hooking up with random guys at clubs. Snooki was on The Today Show yesterday to promote the book and she did a serious interview with Matt Lauer and everything. It was hard to watch her try to sit there and play off like she’s an author and not a punchline. She talked about herself in the third person while claiming that she could be a role model, but not as “Snooki.” It was weird:

Nicole Polizzi wants to be taken seriously! The Jersey Shore star famously know as Snooki draws a line between her guidette alter ego and the person she actually is.

“I think you see more of the party side of me … on the show, but right now, you’re talking to Nicole,” the pint-sized reality star told Matt Lauer on the Today show. “It’s like the soft, calm, business-ready person.”

Nicole continued to explain that the tanning addict, club-going, makeout-loving queen that we see on the MTV hit show is not a role model.

“Snooki’s definitely not a role model. Snooki’s just there to have fun in life,” she shared. “Nicole, I would say, I can be a role model. I’m very strong, independent and I’m lovable, I guess,” she said.

Nicole is making her rounds promoting her new book Confessions of a Guidette, in bookstores now.

“A Guidette is a girl with with a strong personality,” she explained. “She doesn’t let anyone bring her down. She likes tanning. She’s very independent and she loves to be, like, flashy.”

[From OK! Magazine]

I guess we know how she copes with having to see herself on video humping a plant. Bitch has dissociative identity disorder. I’m sure she forgets a lots stuff she does as Snooki too, but that’s probably just because she’s blackout drunk most nights.

Oh and Snooki and Vinny recently slept together as shown on Jersey Shore, but she’s still with her boyfriend. She gushed about him to Matt Lauer. I guess Snooki hooked up with The Situation too, but he recently denied ever sleeping with her. Sitch told Chelsea Handler on her show “We did something else. Well, I didn’t do anything. She did something.” So he’ll accept a beej from Snooki but his standards aren’t rock bottom enough to screw her. She’s the perfect height for it.

The “Jersey Shore” Season 4 finale steadily approacheth (it airs this Thursday), so various members of the cast are out in full force to promote their last episode in Italy. Sammi and Deena even stopped by the “Today” aftershow, and Kathie Lee Gifford cracked a joke by referring to the show as “Jersey Sore.” You know, that’s probably the most amusing thing that’s ever popped out of Kathie Lee’s mouth, and it’s not even that funny. Oh well.

At any rate, here are photos of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino not only promoting the show but also (naturally) promoting himself as well; that is, he’s shilling the new “Situation” Couture Pop for the Sugar Factory. This would be a great time to admit that I’ve become addicted to “Jersey Shore” over the past few months, and I’ve steadily grown convinced that Mike is not only a classic narcissist but also a wholly destructive sociopath. Since he’s a slightly charming brand of sociopath, I did feel a little sorry for him when Abercrombie & Fitch asked him to stop wearing their clothes, but the Situation had the second-to-last laugh when he subsequently scored a formal wear endorsement. Now, he’s selling a damn $25 dollar lollipop (and yes, it comes in a flavor called “Creamy Orange”) alongside the likes of Hello Kitty. Oh, how the mighty have fallen?

For those of you who’ve kept up with last week’s episode, “Situation Problems,” you’ll know that The Situation pretended to consider not returning for Season 5 (stateside) in the Shore house. Of course, this could be considered a very mild SPOILER ALERT for those who don’t realize that everything that The Situation does revolves around his own interests (mostly getting laid), and he’d never — not even for a moment — consider leaving the show. He might very well believe that there are better opportunities out there (a short-lived game show, perhaps?), but his massive ego would never allow him to abandon his roost in the house and give up all of those chances to spread his seed on camera. Sure enough, The Situation is right in the thick of things in cast photos for Season 5:

Meanwhile, Season 4 has nearly come to an end with all of its requisite excessive (and at least partially manufactured) drama in tow, including a car accident and some token
fistfights along with initial trouble from the government. Also, Snooki managed to bed Vinny a few episodes ago after a fight with her boyfriend, Jionni, who fled Italy after Snooki flashed her crotch at a nightclub. Somehow, Jionni must have either forgiven or forgotten all about this because he accompanied Snooki to her “GMA” appearance on 10/17:

Finally, here’s one last strange little tidbit — now Vinny wants to become a “serious actor” in manner of Snooki?

Vinny Guadagnino dreams big. Bigger than the “Jersey Shore” in the U.S. and in Europe, bigger than an MTV spin-off. He wants to be an actor, and surprisingly enough, he has the Shakespearean chops to back it up.

“I have been doing acting my whole life. I did plays in high school. I take it pretty seriously,” Guadagnino told The Huffington Post. “I used to do a lot of Shakespeare and Shakespearean festivals and monologues.”

“I think my favorite one was Marc Anthony in Julius Caesar where Caesar dies. I made my drama teacher cry. I only took drama to get out of writing papers in English and the teacher was this thespian Broadway geek and here I was this Italian guy from Staten Island and I would put her in tears.”

“People think for Shakespeare you have to have a big English accent, but it’s not true. He designed it so it can be performed in any accent in any time period,” Guadagnino said.

Another fun Guadagnino fact: He graduated from college with a 3.9 and was studying for the LSATs the day the “Jersey Shore” premiered.

So what he really wants now is not another free trip to Europe or another summer down at the shore, but a serious acting role — like the one he was recently given on “90210″ where he plays a celebrity poker star.

“I would love a recurring role on ’90210.’ I would say yes to just about any role in acting that doesn’t tarnish my image,” Guadagnino said.

[From Huffington Post]

I would say that Vinny has a slightly better chance than Snooki at achieving this goal, but he definitely shouldn’t quit his, um, day job. Seriously though, I do hope that Vinny was kidding about the “tarnish my image” business, for the fact that “got it in” with Snooki certainly did a bit to chip away at his “nice guy” reputation in the house. Still, he’s definitely the most likeable male on the show, but he’s also got a lot more to lose with his rep than The Situation does. Everyone knows that Mike is a total douche, but Vinny? He’s a lot more of a “sweetheart” than Sammi could ever manage to be.

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN

Honestly, I’m not sure why I was slightly surprised to learn that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi secretly harbors a desire to one day become a “serious actress.” Quite simply, this plan seems par for the course when it comes to reality stars these days. Of course, things never turn out as planned for these famewhores even though the occasional film producer has been known to indulge such whims on the part of Paris Hilton and Audrina Patridge, who have both fruitlessly tried and miserably failed to win critical acclaim onscreen. As to the Orange One? She wants to be the next Kate Winslet. Really. Not only has Snooki allegedly patterned her sketchy weight loss plan on Kate’s figure, but her favorite movie is Titanic. Suddenly, I’m receiving a vision of Snooki standing atop a New Jersey pier, arms outstretched and shouting, “I’m queen of the world!” Then a pigeon hits her in the face.

At any rate, Snooki had her people contact Kate’s people, presumably to extend an invitation to go fist pumping together and maybe talk about acting between Long Island Iced Teas. Naturally, Kate responded in the manner of a civilized person: “What’s a Snooki?”

Jersey Shore’s Snooki is dying to become a friend of her idol Kate Winslet, but the classy Titanic beauty has never heard of the stupor-star

Although Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi plays up her boozy, floozy image on TV, she worships the world-renowned British actress – her role model for weight loss and her own acting ambitions.

“Snooki idolizes Kate – Titanic is her favorite movie of all time,” revealed a friend.

“When Snooki lost 30 pounds earlier this year, she said Kate was her inspiration, since Kate herself lost weight but kept a curvy figure.”

The 23-year-old reality show star has marketed her image and done very well for herself with paid promotional images, but sources confide that her real dream is to become an actress.

“Snooki would love to buddy up with Kate to get help with the process,” said her friend.

The pint-size spitfire even had her agents contact the 36-year-old star’s management in an effort to arrange a meeting – but the request fell on deaf ears.

“Kate was told, but she just stared blankly and said, ‘What’s a Snooki?’” a source told The Enquirer.

Jersey Shore airs in Britain, but the Oscar winner has never seen the show.

Snooki remains determined to meet Kate. She would love for the twice-divorced acclaimed actress to come visit her singles scene in the U.S., said her friend, “but first she’s got to get a call returned.”

[From Enquirer, print edition, October 10, 2011]

This all goes to show you that Kate isn’t as hip as we’d previously believed. Sure, she hangs out with Richard Branson and can escape a firey death on his private island, and she’s banging Branson’s nephew, a married dude named Ned RockNRoll, but you’ll never see her on the Vegas Strip while partying at Pure or Wet Republic. So Snooki strikes out on this one.

Meanwhile, another “Jersey Shore” castmate has struck his own tacky, figurative gold in the tabloids this week. According to In Touch, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has had his revenge upon Abercrombie & Fitch, who recently asked him to stop wearing their clothes. Now, a New Jersey tuxedo shop, Flow Formal Wear, will not only pay him to wear their threads but also to be photographed in them as well:

First, Abercrombie & Fitch offered Jersey Shore’s Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino a wad of cash not to wear retail chain’s duds. But now, someone is paying him to do the exact opposite! Flow Formal Wear has hired him to model its new line of “The Situation” tuxedos. “They approached me because I am a trendsetter,” says not-so-modest Mike, 29. “FTD has a new meaning: Down to Formal! I’m really excited to show a classier, more sophisticated side of myself.” Everyone’s excited about that. Now, the only question left is, will he keep his shirt on?

[From In Touch, print edition, October 10, 2011]

For the morbidly curious amongst you, “FTD” is one of those ubiquitous Shore acronyms that stands for “Fresh to Death,” whatever that means. So once again, The Situation receives money to act like himself by posing in tuxedoes and giving the metaphorical finger to A&F. Flow has already posted a handful of photos of Sitch in uniform on its Facebook page, and the reception so far has ranged from “woooww so sexy …” to “Ahhhh, you’re a douche.” Sounds about right.

Photos courtesy of Fame and Facebook