You may remember Shanna Moakler from such veritable scandals as arguing with Kim Kardashian on MySpace,calling Khloe Kardashian a ‘donkey, and resigning as the co-director of the Miss California USA pageant when Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her crown in 2009. In summary, former beauty queen Shanna hasn’t been relevant in years, if ever. She’s best known as the co-star of the 2005-2006 MTV reality show “Meet the Barkers,” with her then-husband, Blink 182′s Travis Barker. Travis and Shanna divorced in 2008. She went on to host “Bridalplasty” in 2010, during which she picked public fights with Kardashians for headlines.

So she’s not exactly C-list, and she talks to the paparazzi when they bother to address her. A paparazzo told Shanna that he read a fact that breastfed babies are more likely to be slim when they grow up and this is what she said. Shanna has three kids.

I’ve never heard of that and I didn’t breastfeed. I’m selfish, I just look at my breasts as like sexual. I think it’s like incestual, it’s gross. I don’t like it… I couldn’t do it, but I totally support it, I think it’s like, awesome.

[From TMZ video]

Shanna’s boobs are only for sexy times because she read the instructions on the box. No milk is coming out of those budget fun bags. At least she added that bit at the end about supporting breastfeeding. It’s so awesome for other women to be gross and incestual by feeding their hungry babies the way it’s been done since the beginning of time, yay!

Here’s Shanna demonstrating her wisdom:

Photo credit: WENN.com

We got a tip about this yesterday, and I’m so glad that some of you want to talk about the amazingness that is Ryan Lochte’s new E! reality show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do? The name of the show is hilarious enough because what would Ryan Lochte do? He would forget to breathe. He would get lost in a mall. He would wear two different shoes without noticing. He would walk into walls at the smell of bacon. I hope I’m not overselling this, but this show is going to be amazing. Ryan is incredibly stupid, and watching him trying to compute simple tasks is going to be a joy. I think what makes it okay – as opposed to mean or gross – is that Ryan is pretty harmless. He’s not viciously stupid or offensively ignorant. Ryan Lochte has no hate, y’all. He’s just bumbling along, mispronouncing words and trying to understand how to breathe with his mouth closed. I present to you the greatest promotional trailer ever:

My dog knows more words than Ryan Lochte. *mic drop*

Seriously, though – as CB reminded me, this is the guy who was TOO STUPID for The Bachelor. Think about that. He forgets how many medals he won at the Olympics. He forgets WHICH medals he won at the Olympics. He uses words like “enfidence” and “recipitate”. His mind is BLOWN when he’s asked “What is ‘The Lochte Edge’?” . He spends an inordinate amount of time thinking about “Jeah” and how to pronounce it and what it means. He asks college-aged girls out by slurring “You wannagout with me?” He is a work of art. Gawker has a great review of this too – it made me laugh!

Thanks to Amy for the tip!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

A year ago, my mom finally got her handicapped decals for her car. She doesn’t use a wheelchair or anything, she just falls down a lot. That sounds like a joke, but it’s not. My mom is very accident-prone, and her balance is awful, so her doctor finally gave her a decal so that she wouldn’t have to walk so much. She loves her handicap decal. Even before my mom got it, I always felt really strongly about non-handicapped people parking in handicap parking spaces. Those spaces are there for a reason, and that reason isn’t so some holier-than-thou actress can pick up her dry cleaning without having to walk an extra few steps. But that’s just what January Jones did!

These are pics of January last Thursday, picking up her dry cleaning in West Hollywood. She didn’t have her baby with her, she was alone in her SUV. She just felt like parking in the handicap spot, and so she did. I guess I should find an excuse to try to explain her actions… well, the spot doesn’t look very well-marked. The sign on the pavement is very faded, and it looks like skaters or anarchists have stickered over the actual sign above the parking spot. Still, it’s pretty f—king obvious that it’s a handicap spot. I just loathe when people do this. I don’t care if you’re January Jones or Miley Cyrus or Usher. Just stop it.

I’ll tell you something else that bugs me… parking spots for parents with children at the grocery store. I’m fine with handicap spots, and pregnant-woman “stork” parking spots. But I don’t get why half of the spots up front at the grocery store are specially marked for parents with children. Being a parent and bringing your children to the grocery store IS NOT A PHYSICAL DISABILITY. There is no medical reason why they need spots up front. It’s only about convenience for the parents, to which I say… when can the childfree get some convenient parking spaces too?

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

After spending the last two months in an endless cycle of booze, car accidents, arrests and would-be, should-be arrests, Amanda Bynes has issued a statement about her tendency to drink-and-drive, and about her DUI charge. That statement was made via her Twitter:

[Via Amanda’s Twitter]

YES. She tweeted President Obama and asked him nicely, “Please fire the cop who arrested me.” ARE YOU JOKING? I hope to hell she was high and drunk when she tweeted that, because if she was stone-cold sober, I’ll have to think that she’s a flat-out moron. Besides all that, her denial of “I don’t drink” and “I also don’t hit and run” is bulls–t. Does she think people will believe her over the mounting evidence that she hits-and-runs on a now weekly basis?

Anyway, Amanda seems to have tweeted this nonsense in direct response to a misdemeanor charge being filed against her officially. This misdemeanor DUI charge is related to her original arrest on April 6 – where she (drunkenly) SMASHED INTO A COP CAR. Upon her arrest, she refused to complete a Breathalyzer, so I guess Amanda’s justification for her consistently horrible driving in the wee hours (after she’s been clubbing and bar-hopping) is that she’s simply a horrible driver. If she’s convicted (I hope), she’ll face 48 hours in jail, three years probation and a nine-month alcohol program. And that’s basically it. Because California is soft on drunk drivers.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and PCN.

We can’t use the photos in the new issue of Hello Magazine, but that’s okay, because it’s better if I verbally draw you a picture. Imagine Stacy Keibler in all of her budget glory. Imagine Stacy with her busted hair pulled into an elegant chignon. Imagine that chignon accessorized with a simple, elegant veil. Imagine Stacy’s toned, wrestler physique clad in a lovely wedding dress. YES. THIS IS HAPPENING. Stacy Keibler did a photo shoot for Hello Magazine in which she’s modeling wedding gowns!!!!!!! For real. George Clooney is going to dump her so fast, it’s going to be so sad, y’all. Here are some highlights from Stacy’s Hello interview, which is basically just an ad for these Pronovias wedding gowns:

Stacy on the gowns: “The collection is so beautiful, the detail is so intricate, just really elegant. I loved modeling the dresses. They were so beautiful and I just felt very elegant in them.”

Going to the Oscars with George: ”It was such a wonderful experience. It was so much fun and I got to meet a lot of people that I have admired for a very long time.”

What she does in her spare time: ”I like to cook, I love to read and I also enjoy travelling. Whenever I have a break from work, I always find somewhere to go.”

Her workouts and diet: ”I’m very active, so I work out probably five times a week or more. I try to eat very balanced meals and I try to eat as organically as I can. I also make sure I wash my face every night. One of my most important routines is hydrating my skin every morning and night with creams, oils and nourishing treatments.”

Her favorite color: “Purple – it’s a very energetic color.”

Her style icon: “I would have to say Grace Kelly.”

[From Hello Magazine, print edition]

Blah, it doesn’t even matter at this point. I can’t imagine Clooney cosigned Stacy doing a photo shoot in wedding gowns, and I have to think that Clooney will end up dumping her shortly. CB pointed out that Sarah Larson did a Hello Mag interview (likely a paid interview) shortly after Clooney dumped her too. Hello Magazine: picking up Clooney’s castoffs, one cocktail waitress/escort at a time.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Doesn’t it seem like the Duggars are taking it up a notch recently? They’re letting their [fill in the blank] flag fly. (There are all sorts of adjectives that come to mind to put before “flag,” and I’m sure you can come up with plenty too. “Freak” is too easy.) In December, after Michelle Duggar sadly miscarried her last pregnancy around her 19th week, she recorded a public message to the baby she lost that included an awful lot of pro-life rhetoric. She said, in part, “So often in society babies are looked upon as a problem, trial or responsibility, but God says babies are a blessing. We do not believe that babies are a bother, a headache or a financial drainer or a career interrupter.”

Well now Michelle has a message for the wives of the world. We should ditch all our girlfriends and never ask anyone for advice except our husbands. We should never question anything our husband does and let him have the final word on everything. Michelle said all this on her reality show, “19 Kids and Counting.” Radar has the details:

* A Husband Needs A Wife Who Accepts Him As A Leader And Believes In His God-Given Responsibilities”: Husbands are commanded to govern their wives; God works through a man’s decisions — good or bad; Bad decisions reveal his needs and allow the wife to appeal and demonstrate Godly character; The more a wife trusts her husband, the more careful he will be in giving her direction; Never ask others for counsel without your husband’s approval; reassure your husband that you understand and believe that he is your God-given leader.

* A husband needs a wife who will continue to develop inward and outward beauty: How can you become more of the wife of your husband’s dreams?; discover and conform to your husband’s real wishes; explain your hairstyle to others on the basis of your submission to your authority; separate your “rights” from your responsibilities.

* Ask your husband to define your responsibilities; Ask your husband to tell you when you have a resistant spirit; dispel a backbiting tongue by silence.

[From Radar]

So is Michelle saying that Jim-Bob is responsible for that awful 80s hair she has and that she’d like to change it? I just kept focusing on this line “explain your hairstyle to others on the basis of your submission to your authority.” It’s bizarre. If you read between the lines on that first bullet point, it sounds like she saying that you should let your husband do a bunch of stupid sh*t on his own so that you can ultimately get your way, but maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part. Overall it reads like antiquated ridiculous pap. A women’s place is in the house doing whatever her husband wants, dressing and looking exactly as he wants and being available for sex all the time without birth control.

I hope that in practice this isn’t actually how this woman lives. In a different family dynamic where the man is abusive, her advice could be quite harmful. That’s all on the wife, though right? She’s just supposed to take it without question, never talk back or leave, and just pray that the man treats her better.

I shouldn’t put so much emphasis on the stupid crap this woman says. She’s got some competition coming in the enormous family reality show circuit, and she knows she’s got to step it up if she wants to remain in the news.

The Duggars are shown at The 2012 Conservative Political Action Conference on 2-10-12. Credit: Mark Wilkins/FameFlynet Pictures

Did you hear the story of that reformed neo-Nazi who had multiple very painful laser treatments to remove the skinhead tattoos all over his face? That’s what I thought of when I saw the photo of this woman with “Drake” tattooed across her head in this super ugly block font. It’s something that will stay with her forever barring extreme measures, but at least she has the option of growing bangs or wearing hats. Unlike the neo-Nazi guy, it’s not an offensive tattoo – it merely signifies that she’s a fool. Canadian singer/autotune abuser Drake knows all about this tattoo, and he blames the tattoo artist for helping this woman realize her dream of having his name permanently emblazoned on her forehead. Drake said the guy is a “f’ing a**hole” and “should never do tattoos again.” He also said he would like “to talk to this girl and understand it all.” That’s probably exactly why she did it. Here’s more:

She tatted his name on her forehead, and, as promised, Drake has confirmed that he knows she is for real. He’s not 100% pleased, though.

The rapper on Friday spoke out about the California woman who got his name tattooed in huge block letters across her forehead, calling her “incredible,” but the artist who did it “a f*cking asshole.”

“I want to meet her and understand what happened,” he told LA radio host Mando Fresko. “That’s cool though, I feel you 100%, that to me is absolutely incredible.”

As for the artist, Kevin Campbell, Drake put out a warning.

“The guy who tatted is a f*cking as*hole though, I will tell you that,” he said. “I don’t f*ck with that guy. F*ck you to that tat artist by the way. And you should lose your job and should never do tattoos again and I don’t f*ck with you. And if I ever see you, I’m a f*ck you up.”

For his part, the artist told Vice Magazine that he wasn’t exactly keen on doing the ink in the first place.

“She was really psyched about it. She had the sh*tty font all picked out on her iPhone ready to go and was pretty adamant about putting it on her forehead,” he said. “She acted as if she had planned it out for a while, but I’m not really sure how much extended coherent thought could actually go into getting such a stupid tattoo on your forehead.”

However, that mea culpa will probably get drowned out by this: “The funny thing is, I didn’t know who Drake was,” Campbell admitted. “I figured it was her hood or some shit, not some goofnugget R&B dude.”

[From Huffington Post via ONTD]

So is it the tattoo artist’s fault for helping this woman get a tattoo he knew was terrible and that he admitted was stupid? It bothers me that the tattoo artist would so thoroughly diss the tattoo, but that he took the money and went through with it anyway. They should have some sort of policy against facial tattoos. Unless they don’t care and just want the cash. That’s obviously the case here.

Drake is no stranger to tattoos. He has a giant tattoo of deceased singer Aaliyah’s face on his back.

This video has multiple F bombs and is not safe for work, depending on where you work.

Header Photo via Imgur. Other photos are from May, 2011 and credit: Fame

I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again: I don’t get the Ashley Greene thing. I get that she’s like the female version of Kellan Lutz, as in she’s a supporting player in a massive franchise, and she (and Kellan) think that they’re the ones who MAKE Twilight happen. I don’t get why anyone pays attention to her. I don’t get why dudes think she’s hot. I don’t get why she’s running around, trying to make it “happen” with dudes like Joe Jonas and Gerard Butler and Jared Followill. What’s the appeal? Anyway, it looks like I’m going to have to start paying attention, because this chick is a g-ddamn idiot and the crap that comes out of her mouth is absolutely ridiculous. Like, she really is the female Kellan Lutz. She’s the cover girl for the November issue of Allure, and the interview is so… WRONG.

Ashley on fame: “(Fame is) a double-edged sword. It’s amazing to be known, and it’s great that there is this audience that wants to know about me. But I’m like, ‘I’m going to be known for coming out of the gym rather than [for] what film I have coming out.’”

On gossip and rumors: She prefers not to comment on them, telling Allure magazine’s November issue that if she did, she “wouldn’t have time for my day job.”

On the nude photos from 2009 that no one remembers: “‘One of my family members said to me, “Ashley, everyone does it. You’re just famous.”‘

On her “feud” with Demi Lovato (Demi was with Joe Jonas, Joe dumped Demi and began dating Ashley immediately): “I’m really happy that she’s doing well… She and I never had a problem with each other, but, you know, it doesn’t go away. Jen Aniston still gets asked about Angelina Jolie.”

On the kinds of men she likes: “I go through stages,” says Greene, who has been linked to Twilight’s Jackson Rathbone and Kings of Leon’s Jared Followill in the time since breaking things off with Jonas. “Randomly, I’ll be attracted to a crazy rocker with tattoos. And I find that I’m extremely attracted to ambition and wit. If it was appropriate to date Michael Sheen, I would, but he and his girlfriend [Rachel McAdams] are so cute. And maybe this is ‘You want what you can’t have’ — Neil Patrick Harris. And, oh, Cooper Anderson….[I mean] Anderson Cooper. I’d be all over that.”

On her rumored fling with Gerard Butler: “‘He’s extremely attractive, but I think he’s a little too old for me. Don’t print that I called Gerard Butler old, I feel bad.”

On Robert Pattinson: “Rob. Oh, Rob. He’s very endearing, but you’ve seen his interviews. He’s like, ‘Ah, I don’t know…. Oh, God,’” Greene bumbles in imitation. Despite poking a little fun at him, she credits Pattinson (she calls him a “phenomenal actor”) and the rest of the actors for helping her cope with sudden fame. “All of us essentially were unknown. So everyone kind of went through this crazy whirlwind [together],’” Greene says. “It was really nice to be able to confide in people who were going through the exact same thing.”

On her friendship with Seth McFarlane: “Seth and I are friends, and he texts me: ‘I didn’t know that not only were we dating, but we have since been confirmed to not be dating,’” Greene says. “I can assure you that we’re not.”

[From Allure & Us Weekly]

Ashley Greene = Angelina Jolie, Demi Lovato = Jennifer Aniston, and Joe Jonas = Brad Pitt?!?!?!?!?!!?!

Are you joking, bitch? How easily she cast herself as Angelina Jolie, right? Over a JONAS BROTHER. I really hope Angelina Jolie takes a moment from kicking ass and taking names to offer a simple “Bitch, please” to this dumbass.

Beyond that headline-getter, the whole thing is pretty absurd. I love how she bitches about how famous she is for getting pap’d all the time (when she and Kellan Lutz constantly call the paps!), and how she claims that she won’t address any rumors, and then goes on to START rumors about herself. Oh, and the Gerard Butler thing? Here’s the previous reporting on that incident – she totally went home with him after he barely lifted a finger to get her into bed. And now she’s all “He’s OLD!” SMH.

Photos courtesy of Allure. Additional pic by WENN.

Holly Madison has insured her fake boobs for $1 million with the insurance company Lloyd’s of London, which regularly insures celebrity body parts. Holly stars in a Vegas semi-nude revue at Planet Hollywood called Peepshow, for which she’s in lingerie for most of the show and goes topless at some point. She explained to People Magazine that if something happened to her boobs it would put her out of commission for a few months and end up costing her. What about her legs? She’s working a pole and strutting around in heels on stage, so doesn’t it make more sense that she’d insure something that was more likely to bust?

Holly Madison is doing what’s in her breast, er best, interest.

The reality star recently took out a $1 million insurance policy on her breasts with Lloyd’s of London insurance company, she confirmed to PEOPLE exclusively.

Madison, 31, said she did it to protect herself and others who appear in her Las Vegas production, Peepshow.

“I’ve heard about people getting body parts insured and I thought, why not?, because if anything happened to my boobs, I’d be out for a few months and I’d probably be out a million dollars,” she said. “I thought I’d cover my assets.”

Literally.

Madison appears topless during segments of the Vegas show, which, in her mind, made the insurance policy necessary. She also comprehends the quirkiness of it all.

“I think it’s kind of funny. I think they’re getting the credit they deserve,” she said. “They’re my primary money makers right now.”

[From People]

This is a publicity stunt for her show, and we’re talking about it so it’s working. Lloyd’s of London legitimately insures celebrity body parts when they’re used in ad campaigns (i.e. legs for a shaving commercial, teeth when it’s a toothpaste campaign), but this is ridiculous. What happens if Holly sprains an ankle or falls on her face and busts her nose job? Is Lloyds going to deny her claim and say “sorry, your boobs are fine?” Maybe the show has insurance for that, and she wanted a little extra in the form of boob disability. Please smack me for spending so long contemplating this. I’ve probably spent more time thinking about it than Holly did.

Here are a bunch of pictures of Holly Madison’s boobs.

Photo credit: WENN.com

The Daily Beast has a new interview with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, the former stars of MTV reality shows Laguna Beach and The Hills. These two faked a wedding in 2008 and when their show was canceled last year they faked a breakup and then tried to sell a fake adultery story to the tabloids. Spencer half-faked a breakdown, they tried to sell or fake a sex tape (that gratefully never materialized) and then when all else failed they admitted they were totally broke and had wasted at least $10 million dollars. Oh and last year Heidi had ten plastic surgeries in one day and then after her surgeon died in a car accident she immediately went to the press crying about her “plastic surgery disasters.” (Whereas before her surgeon’s death she was on the news with him singing his praises.) She also tried to launch a music career that tanked.

In this latest interview, the gruesome twosome admit that their breakup was fake and that they never spent a day apart despite all those tabloids and staged photos. They’re now broke, living for free in one of their parents’ houses and they wish they’d saved their money instead of squandering it. Heidi explains that she saw buying all those luxury goods as an investment, like Kim Kardashian or something.

Here are some quotes from the article on Daily Beast, which is well worth reading in its entirety:

They never broke up
Did you ever break up? Spencer: “No.” Heidi: “No.” Spencer: “Not for one minute.” Heidi: “We’ve never even been apart.” Which raises a larger point: Everything in this article that could be fact-checked through multiple independent sources, has been.

On how they blew all their millions
What the hell happened? What were they thinking? And where did all the money go?

“We never had any!” said Spencer in response to the money question. Meaning, it went out as quickly as it came in. Spencer estimated they spent $2 million on Heidi’s ill-fated pop-music career, hiring writers, producers, and engineers who worked with Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and Lady Gaga. There were lots of clothes, too. “I probably spent a million dollars on suits and fancy clothes,” Spencer said. “My whole million-dollar wardrobe—I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props. I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again.”

Spencer—who previously appeared on 2005’s short-lived reality series The Princes of Malibu—grew up with privilege and private schools in Los Angeles; Heidi was raised in tiny Crested Butte, Colo., with little money and lots of megachurches. “I should have known growing up and not having any money ever that I should have kept every dollar that I had,” Heidi said. “I thought I was investing in myself and my brand. Like Kim.” As in Kardashian, who came up often during the interview. Heidi continued: “When she buys these clothes, she’s investing in herself. Because she is a big brand and is likeable. I thought I had that potential. My ego got too big. To think I could be someone like that when I was the most hated girl ever.”

Why Spencer flipped out on the set of The Hills: they wanted him to punch his sister
MTV announced in March 2010 that the sixth season of The Hills would be its last. But it was already over for Spencer. He had gotten into a huge fight with a producer named Sara Mast, whom he said tried to get him to cause his fellow castmember and sister, Stephanie, who has had on-again, off-again alcohol and drug problems, to “hit rock bottom.” In his version, Mast tried to get him to punch Stephanie. “Her exact quote: ‘That Snooki effect,’” Spencer said, referring to a Jersey Shore episode in which castmember Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was hit by a fellow bar patron.

“That’s when I snapped,” Spencer said. “To the point when I said—and this is when the producers got scared of me—‘You want me to punch my sister in the face? Are you trying to get me to kill you?’ I didn’t say, ‘I’m killing you.’ If I did, MTV would have had me arrested.”

A source close to production who requested anonymity, and is no friend of Spencer’s, confirmed his version of what caused the fight, but also added that Spencer was, in fact, quite scary about it. Through her agent, Sara Mast declined to comment for this story. Creator DiVello’s PR representative was told specifically about this claim and did not respond. MTV would not comment either.

On how they mismanaged their careers
“We were living each other’s mistakes—everything we were doing, in retrospect, was a mistake. The second we continued on our quest for fame was a mistake.” Spencer said. “This isn’t a business. That was the big thing I didn’t get: Reality TV is not a career. Anyone who says, ‘Oh, you can have a career in reality’—that is a lie.”

Paris Hilton’s recent bomb of a reality series, The World According to Paris, proves this theory, according to them.

Heidi said, “We thought it’d be huge!”

Spencer said: “Paris Hilton created fame for nothing. The fact that only 400,000 people tuned into her premiere? We’re Paris Hilton fans.” He continued: “She didn’t make all these surgery mistakes, or crystal mistakes. She didn’t do any of that. But here she is. Her career stopped.”

As have theirs, for the most part. Heidi, who was in her late teens when she was cast on The Hills and will turn 25 in September, has been appearing on VH1’s Famous Food, a reality competition in which celebrities compete to become a partner in a restaurant. When those sorts of opportunities come around, she said, “I’m there.” She also still gets invited to host Las Vegas parties sometimes. “I have the most fun ever.”

[From The Daily Beast]

It’s not true that there was “never any” money for these two. They wasted more money in a year than the budget for an entire municipality. Heidi had at least 4 Hermes Birkin bags, which retail for around $15k each. She wore $1,000 shoes regularly, and Spencer admitted wasting 1/2 a million dollars on crystals. These people had a security detail consisting of ex Marines. Heidi used to go to work with four bodyguards. So it’s an “I told you so” moment to hear that they’re living at one of their parent’s houses and probably deep in debt now that their fame has inevitably dried up. If only we could hear similar stories about The Jersey Shore kids and The Kardashians. After we get a well deserved break from constant news about them.

Heidi and Spencer are shown on 2/13/10. Credit: WENN.com Spencer is shown out alone on 4/7/11. Credit: Fame. Heidi is shown on 6/19/11. Credit: Wire image