You know, I’m really starting to feel sorry for Tim Tebow. Not only has the guy dealt with Katy Perry’s parents trying to set him up with their daughter, but he’s had to suffer through Perry dedicating lewd song lyrics to him about his “Peacock.” In addition, Tebow has been fending off the advances of Kim Kardashian, which he politely declined, but she hasn’t gotten the message. Everyone knows that Kim — with her sex tape, Playboy spread, and two divorces — has no business trying to get into Tebow’s pants; well, everyone knows except for Kim herself.

Even though she reportedly has sworn off football players, Kim hasn’t given up on bagging Tim, and his resistance has seemingly only stoked her desire to get in his good graces. Now she’s walking around wearing cross necklaces, Tweeting about starting a bible study group, and doing the church-buddy thing with LeAnn Rimes. It’s so transparent, but she really believes that Tim (and the rest of us) are stupid enough to believe her act. Now this week’s issue of OK! is all about Kim “pray[ing] for a chance” with Tebow, whom she’s been targeting for months, and she even went so far as to reshoot some later episodes of “Kourtney & Kim Take New York” to highlight her (fake ass) religious values and pious nature. Really.

How many times have we seen it happen? In the wake of a cataclysmic event, somebody gets religious. And so it seemed (to some skeptics, at least) with Kim Kardashian. The reality diva’s disastrous 72-day marriage to basketballer Kris Humphries unleashed a tsunami of bad press — chiefly, she was accused of weddng Kris for commercial reasons — and seemed to damage her brand.

And now, Kim is firing off Tweets like this one: “On my way to church with the girls!” she said to her almost 13 million followers. “I want to start a Bible study group with my friends!”

Inspiring, isn’t it? Except that some insiders say Kim’s sudden display of piety may have an ulterior motive: that the sex-tape icon, 31, is trying to sack Tim Tebow, the super-religious Denver Broncos quarterback — you know the guy who kneels and prays on the field — and self-proclaimed 24-year-old virgin.

“Anyone who knows Kim knows what she’s up to,” a source tells OK!. “She thinks Tim’s hot and she knows dating him would really boost her image. And Kim could really use some help in that department.”

Kimbow? Tardashian? Clearly Kim has a thing for sports stars; aside from Kris there was her great love, NFL star Reggie Bush. But hooking innocent Tim requires more than the standard play.

“If he were just the average athlete, Kim would pull the same move she used on Kris,” the first source tells OK!, adding, get front-row seats to his game and send a message to the locker room with her number. But Tim’s different. She can’t just use her sexuality.”

And so Kim called on a higher power. “She set her sights on Tim months ago,” the source says. “She shot extra scenes for ‘Kourtney & Kim Take New York,’ making sure she emphasized her Christian beliefs.

Another insider who’s close to Kim isn’t so cynical, arguing that her spiritual side is — ahem — well developed and that it plays into her attraction to Tim.

“Kim thinks Tim is a dream,” the insider tells OK!. “She appreciates his courage to weather criticism about being publicly religious. So I think Kim is inspired by that act of bravery. As for the bible study, that’s nothing new,” the insider adds. “Her family was very committed to their spiritual ideas — very Catholic.”

Ah, but will it be enough? “Kim’s not Tim’s type at all,” a Tim insider tells OK!. “He likes down-to-earth girls who aren’t high maintenance. And the sex tape is the type of thing that grosses him out.”

Still, you can’t completely count Kim out. Says the source: “When she decides she wants someone, she goes out and gets him.”

[From OK!, print edition, February 20, 2012]

This story is completely believable. Kim’s already been busted reshooting scenes of “Kourtney & Kim” to make herself look more sympathetic while pretending to agonize over the decision to divorce Kris Humphries. Also, that unnamed source who insists that Kim and her family are incredibly spiritual and devout Catholic? To state the obvious, that sounds a lot like a source named “Kris Jenner.” We all know how Kris dreams of controlling the tabloids, right? The really funny thing about Kim’s obvious maneuver is that she assumes that Tim would even watch her show in the first place.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN

Remember back in the day (1996, to be precise) when everyone was awfully surprised that Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg wasn’t just a goofy rap star and could actually act? He convincingly showed off his menacing side in Fear before playing a pr0n star in Boogie Nights and then moved onto starring in studio tentpoles and an array of mostly mindless action movies. Well, Justin Bieber has reportedly decided that Mark is a great role model in the career department (as opposed to, say, the talking about 9/11 department). Biebs wants to be the next Marky Mark!

In retrospect, this news shouldn’t be too terribly surprising. After all, Mark showed us his Calvins, and Bieber has been showing us his boxer shorts for far too long already. Bieber also already has a wee bit of television experience (most famously getting killed on “CSI”) and has appeared in his own faux-biopic, which I like to call The Origin Story of a Dipsh-t. Now Bieber thinks he has what it takes to buy the rights for a Fear remake and star in it himself. Have mercy:

It is no secret that, like many pop stars before him, Justin Bieber has acting aspirations, having already appeared on the TV series “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” and “Cubed.” He also appeared, as himself, in the 2011 concert film Justin Bieber: Never Say Never.

[W]e’ve been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas, and instead of looking to someone like Britney Spears for guidance in this department, he is looking to build off the career model of teeny bopper/rapper-turned-Oscar nominated actor Mark Wahlberg, [and it's] Marky Mark’s dark R rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.

There are currently no plans to remake Fear, released by Universal Pictures in 1996. But Justin Bieber is rumored to be obsessed with the movie, which finds Mark Wahlberg playing the psychotic boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who torments both her and her family. Throughout the course of its runtime, his David McCall rapes a young woman played by Alyssa Milano, beheads a beloved family pet, carves tattoos into his chest, breaks the neck of a family friend, beats himself up, and threatens to shoot Justin Bieber’s CSI: Crime Scene Investigation co-star William Petersen (see the connection there?) point blank in the top of the head. Not to mention the most iconic scene, where he fingers Reese on a roller coaster to the tune of The Sunday’s Wild Horses.

Bieber is said to be eyeing the role in a proposed remake, hoping that it will give his image and career the same edge it gave Mark Wahlberg back in 1996, a time when most thought of the actor as a one hit wonder who would quietly disappear. Mark Wahlberg was 25 at the time he made Fear. Justin Bieber will turn 18 this March.

It is believed that Bieber will pursue the rights to remaking Fear, using the film as his launching board into feature film acting. Though, its being speculated that this new Fear will most likely be tamed down for a PG-13 rating, and that it will closely resemble the thrillers and remakes currently being produced by Sony’s Screen Gems division.

[From Movieweb]

Here’s the trailer for the original Fear starring Marky Mark and Reese Witherspoon. I’ll be honest here and admit that this movie scared the living crap out of me:

If Justin thinks he can pull off a remake and truly be the next Mark Wahlberg, well, good luck to the kid for at least recognizing that his pop star career won’t last forever. Can Bieber actually pull a Wahlberg in terms of acting talent though? I doubt it, but if Biebs wants any shot at all, maybe he ought to bulk up a bit beforehand. Here are more photos of Bieber hitting the beach in Cabo earlier this month.

In further tales of grand delusion, here some photos from this weekend of Justin arriving in Miami while his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, touched down in Puerto Rico. Both of them kid their faces like little divas. On a related note, Selena has commenced complaining about the trappings of fame and has started talking about how maybe she’d like to retire at the ripe old age of 19. Well, at least she’s not making silly claims of wanting to be a laundress like Michelle Williams did. Yet.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN

A few weeks ago, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi did a GQ interview in which she claimed to save her money but also revealed that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is already broke. At that point, I overindulged myself by making mass predictions about all of the “Jersey Shore” cast members including the fact that The Situation will soon be the next Spencer Pratt (meaning that not even his agent will take his calls). A few of you speculated in the comments that this blind item could indicate that Sitch has been blowing his money on coke, which is a distinct possibility (and yet has nothing at all to do with the size of the dude’s nose).

However, In Touch has received word from one of Sitch’s (many) estranged friends, who counters that Sitch has splashed out on countless diamond chains and rolex watches along with two Bentleys, two Ferraris, a Lamborghini, and a Range Rover. Even more pathetic is that the guy pays his friends, including his brother Marc, to act as a personal entourage and follow him wherever he goes. So maybe there’s never been any money left over for coke in the first place?

After the Jersey Shore‘s fourth season, onetime cast favorite Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s big head and cruel lies have left him without a friend in the world. And now, according to his nemesis Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, not even the Benjamins have his back. “He’s already broke!” she recently revealed.

For someone who’s made millions since his MTV debut, the allegation may seem shocking. But according to insiders, it’s all too true. “He has nothing left,” a former pal says. So what went wrong for the reality star, who sources say earned nearly $100,000 per episode last season plus millions in endorsements? He won’t stop spending money,” an insider explains. In addition to his fleet of high-end cars and designer jewelry, Mike hired an entourage to follow him 24/7. “He’s so cocky, he thinks he can spend like an A-lister.”

But the 29-year-old’s popularity is plummeting — and the Jersey Shore well is drying up fast. “No one is paying him for appearances anymore,” the former pal says. And unlike co-stars Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio and Snooki, Mike’s spin-off show isn’t taking off. As the former pal sums up, “Forget his Ferrari, he’ll be back in a crappy car before he knows it!”

[From In Touch, print edition, November 28, 2011]

In other words, “Jersey Shore” will be winding down (at least for the founding members) after its fifth season, which means that even The Situation’s formal wear and lollipop endorsements will soon fall by the wayside as well. But wait — he has a plan!

Remember a few months ago when Abercrombie & Fitch made an unnecessary display of asking The Situation to stop wearing their clothes? Oddly enough, the company’s stock quickly dropped 9 percent (go figure?), and guess who celebrated in grandiose fashion? Yep. And now The Situation has figured out a way to rustle up some more cash; that is, he’s now suing A&F for $4 million in federal court:

According to documents filed in the United States District Court, Southern District of Florida, the lawsuit essentially boils down to two main points: That Abercrombie’s offer of a payout was actually a double-reverse PR move intended to capitalize on The Situation’s fame; and that Abercrombie has violated Sitch’s trademarks on “The Situation” and “GTL” by marketing T-shirts with the slogans “The Fitchuation” and “GTL… You Know the Deal.” It’s an interesting argument: The August announcement was clearly intended as a PR move, albeit a complicated one, intended to capitalize on a celebrity’s infamy by getting what essentially amounted to an anti-endorsement. According to the legalese: “Defendant’s advertising campaign was immensely successful; as it resulted in hundreds of newspapers and thousands of internet bloggers, publishing stories about Defendant’s products and brand.”

[From Popwatch]

Who knows whether or not this lawsuit will be successful, but at least The Situation hired lawyers that were wise enough to go for federal jurisdiction (unlike Lohan with her Pitbull suit), which should easily be satisfied in several respects. However, I expect that A&F will make a decent offer to Sitch before trial, and he’ll quickly snap up the settlement before completely blowing it on either blow, hookers, or the ultimate bachelor pad. And then he’ll be broke once again.

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN

Angie Harmon showed up last night to officially flip the switch on the UNICEF Snowflake at the Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church in New York City, and my first thought when checking out her outfit was, “Wow, interesting hankerchief!” Then I realized that it was actually a flower-shaped object that was part of the fabric of her skirt. Angie’s definitely made some questionable fashion choices, including a recent bustier that made her girls look almost fake. However, this outfit isn’t terrible at least in a festive sense. Those dangling sleeves are meant to look festive, right? I don’t know. Also, the skirt makes her seem a little hippier than usual:

Lately, Angie has kept a rather low media profile since her summer-based rant about how life is so difficult since leaving her children and husband behind in North Carolina, but she knew that she was doing the right thing because the “Rizzoli & Isles” script was a sign from God. She also wanted to invent something to cure mommy guilt — delusional bitch.

At any rate, I was very curious as to why Angie has been so quiet lately, and the answer might very well be that she’s discovered Twitter in a huge way; that is, the verified account of Angie Harmon has already 39 times today. And (get this) she calls her followers “Twangels.” Ugh. Tweeting in such an excessive manner seems like just one more way that Angie distracts herself from life itself, but I will give her props for interacting with her fans, especially those who seem troubled and in need of her (very specialized form of) guidance:

Okay, I can’t hate on her for attempting to encourage this young lady and give her hope that life will eventually get better. Angie probably feels like she’s helping this girl out in a very profound way, and maybe she is? Still, this woman decided in her own mind that “God” was a great reason to abandon her family and return to Hollywood for months on end, so any advice concerning “God” from Angie might be, um, well-intentioned but still a blanket excuse for disregarding free will. If this Twangel’s home situation is really that bad, maybe she should move to another relative’s home or contact law enforcement. Staying put just because Angie Harmon thinks that everything is part of God’s plan might just be a dangerous thing to do.

Photos courtesy of WENN

Madonna covers Harper’s Bazaar in her usual decadent manner. That is, the camera points at Madge, who is in turn pointing the camera at actress Andrea Riseborough, who plays a mythical version of Wallis Simpson in the Madge-directed W.E., which not only paints its director as a raging Nazi sympathizer but also reveals itself (at least, through its trailer) as a beautiful mess. At the very least, W.E. is most definitely some degree of revisionist history, but it remains unclear how much of that is yet to be accepted or not.

To promote the film and in an interview entitled “Madonna: The Director’s Cut,” the Material Girl describes to Harper’s (as interviewed by feminist author Naomi Wolf) how hard it is to be a director as well as giving platonically intimate details about her relationship with 24-year-old French breakdancer Brahim Zaibat. Seriously, he’s not just a piece of meat:

On Film: “Making movies is really hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I believe sometimes we aren’t always in charge of everything that we do creatively. We submit to things as we’re going on our own journey. Wally was learning about herself, and so was I — on my own journey and the journey of all women. I don’t work any other way.”

On W.E.: “When I brought up the subject of Wallis Simpson to people when I was living in England, I was astounded by the outrage that was provoked by her name. The movie is all about the cult of celebrity. We like to put people on a pedestal, give them one character trait, and if they step outside of that shrinelike area that we blocked out for them, then we will punish them. Wallis Simpson became famous by default, by capturing the heart of the king, but it’s obviously a subject I’m constantly on the inside of, and the outside of.”

On Parallels Between W.E. & Herself: “I think my behavior and my lifestyle threaten a lot of social norms, like the movie does. I think there are a lot of parallels and connections. I think it’s just that as a creative person, in all the different things that I’ve done or ways that I’ve found to express myself, I’ve consistently come up against resistance in certain areas. I think that the world is not comfortable with female sexuality. It’s always coming from a male point of view, and a woman is being objectified by a man — and even women are comfortable with that. But when a woman does it, ironically, women are uncomfortable with it. I think a lot of that has to do with conditioning.”

On Mothering: “Well, I say to Lourdes, schoolwork always comes first, so anything that gets in the way of that falls by the wayside. We put our energy in education. She loves fashion and style. She helps design the collection. I just stand in the background and watch. I proofread her blogs and edit them and give her a hard time when I think she’s being a lazy writer.”

On Ageism: “I find whenever someone writes anything about me, my age is right after my name. It’s almost like they’re saying, ‘Here she is, but remember she’s this age, so she’s not that relevant anymore.’ Or ‘Let’s punish her by reminding her and everyone else.’ When you put someone’s age down, you’re limiting them.”

On Her Goals: :To have fun, that’s the main issue. To continue to be a provocateur, to do what we perceive as the realm of young people, to provoke, to be rebellious, to start a revolution.”

On What She Looks For In A Lover: “Well, it can also be more than just sexual, um, appendages. I don’t necessarily like to use the word lover because it sounds like they just come over and have sex with you. I aspire to more than that, and I need more than that. Respect for women and understanding that everything must be earned. Those are two big ones. Someone to share my inner life with. That’s extremely important. It’s also important that my children admire and respect this partner that I would choose for myself. Especially for my sons, who have their father [ex-husband Guy Ritchie], but they need a male role model as well. So I need to keep this in mind: What is this person modeling to my sons, what kind of man is he, what values does he have, what energy is he giving off? Because they are impressionable. It’s so important.”

[From Harper's Bazaar]

Such delusions. Where to begin? Yes, I do agree wtih Madonna that it’s incredibly important to see what “energy” that a hot young piece is giving off — particularly when he chooses to grab your ass in front of your grade-school-aged young children. And yes, ageism is petty and inexcusable, but it’s also futile to pretend that age does not exist in any shape or form. As for W.E. as an extension of Madonna’s very own self, well, now we know what she decided to make the film, right?

Now, what of this photoshoot? Madonna points a camera. And she’s, like, really smart and controversial and such a visionary because she dons some spectacles. Worship her.

Photos courtesy of Harper’s Bazaar

James Franco just doesn’t know when to stop with this “art” nonsense; quite frankly, his shtick has grown beyond old by now. Regardless, James now believes that even his ass is “art,” and his naked butt can be viewed on the cover of the latest issue of Flaunt magazine. No, we’re not going to actually expose anyone here to that horror (you’re welcome), but if you honestly want to witness James’ hairy booty, you can see it here. Meanwhile, the journalist who interviewed James is either playing along or truly enamored with the Franco butt:

James Franco’s ass stares at me from my desktop. it almost farts in my face. It feels like it wants to. Like it’s wanted to for weeks. But alas, this two-dimensional ass can’t blast any audible sass. It’s simply a photo, intended for our art cover–its gassy desires aren’t relevant. Of relevance is: how did we get here? How did Flaunt Magazine find itself a participant, throughout kept at an usual arm’s length, in the multiplicitous James Franco off-the-backlot artistry–what some amidst the fray might call an egoistic cluster-f*ck.

Egoistic? Absolutely. Just check out these excerpts of the interview within the magazine:

On Vulnerability As An Artist: I want to pull back the curtain, because what goes on behind the scenes is often more interesting and informative. We are so used to presenting films and art that are polished and impenetrable–they are well-crafted to the point that there is no messiness, and in some senses, not quite human. In our digital age, anything can be accomplished with the computer. Anything can look good. I want to show the little humans with their little messy feelings underneath all the polish. I want to show the humans at work, f***ing up, trying, doing the best they can with their less than perfect abilities. I also like to feel the material of the work. I don’t want the material to fade away. I am not trying to transport the viewer to a different place, and I want the viewer to be confronted by the form as well as the content. Because I come from the film world, I think a tighter connection is made between this work and my professional acting work. The commentary about the way we view mainstream film and art is stronger because of my place in the film business.

On The Shock Value Of “Art”: We are post-shock in a sense, but it all depends on context. Anything can be found on the internet, but when you take something that is familiar in one context and manipulate it, and put it in a new context, it can be a shock because it defies its former categorization. That is the kind of shock that I’m interested in–not shocking content, but defamiliarizing juxtapositions and redefinitions. I want to look underneath things, to show things in new lighting, in order make new sense of them.

On Whether His “Art” Is Meant To Confuse: I don’t think what I’m doing is confusing. It’s no more confusing than what Mathew Barney does, or Mike Kelley, or Paul McCarthy, or Sacha Baron Cohen. What is confusing is that I’m an actor in mainstream film and the people that usually comment on mainstream film are idiots, and they don’t try to think outside of their pop-culture commentaries. It’s so easy to criticize contemporary art from the outside: ‘Douglas Gordon slowed down Psycho so it’s 24-hours long? That’s easy! I can do that.’ That’s how the morons in the blogosphere try to critique my work. But the great thing about it is, is that their critiques are part of my work. I like that they are confused. I like that they make fun of what I’m doing. It’s a beautiful reflection of where our culture is at the moment.

On His Favorite Movie: Rebel Without a Cause has been endlessly studied, but our project is not a study as much as it is an exploration and expansion. We didn’t take an earnest look at the original film, and we didn’t do it from a stance in the film world. We looked at it through the art world lens in order to break it up, to look at the forces underneath it, to create with those forces. This is not a scholarly study or a celebration. It is using the original film as material for inspiration and as a connection to the history of Hollywood, mass entertainment, and mainstream Freudian thought.

[From Flaunt]

Yes, not only is everything “art” to Franco, but it’s also necessarily Freudian as well. Seriously, he doesn’t get how nauseating that his level of pretention really is, and I didn’t even get into the true nonsensical rants within the interview. The Franco-dictated photoshoot is even worse and features blow-up dolls, bongs, sex toys, and groups of scantily-clad hipsters gathered to imply both a schooling environment and a probable orgy. Juxtaposition, man. It’s so complicated that we couldn’t begin to understand it, right? Although I’ve featured a few images below, you’ll have to visit Flaunt for the rest.

Photos courtesy of Flaunt

Very few male teen singing sensations (with the dubious exception of Justin Timberlake) demonstrate any lasting power past puberty, but Justin Bieber doesn’t appear to have learned anything from the countless examples of fallen teen idols or, for that matter, the sad fate of M.C. Hammer, who managed to spend $50 million in just a couple of short years. So far, we’ve heard Justin’s been blowing his money on $25,000 custom Stewie bling and chartered helicopter rides to whisk his beloved, Selena Gomez, away for romantic dinners. Has he ever heard of calling a cab? This is not to mention the time that he bought out a florist’s entire inventory to impress his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. Now, Justin’s camp is allegedly worried about all of the money he’s spending on Selena, which reportedly adds up to at least $1 million:

Someone ought to slip Justin Bieber a copy of The Beatles hit, “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Friends are concerned that the teen sensation is burning a hole through his hard-earned fortune in a desperate bid to impress his two-years-older girlfriend, Selena Gomez. According to one friend, the pop star, 17, has already spent a cool million on Selena since they first started dating earlier this year. “Each date is a production, from bodyguards to flowers, private jets to catered meals,” the friend tells In Touch. “Plus, he guys her major gifts. It’s all adding up pretty quickly.”

[From In Touch, print edition, October 24, 2011]

If Bieber were wise — and I’ve neither heard nor read any accounts of him being just that — he’d save his money in case his desire to be a young dad ends up coming to fruition (in the form of a much feared accidental pregnancy) sooner rather than later. Of course, Bieber probably thinks he’ll be rich and famous forever like most celebrities believe, but the odds are against him. The question remains, however, how long will Selena and Justin stay together? If and when they break up, he’ll certainly regret spending that million on her.

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN

Esquire has named Rihanna its “Sexiest Woman Alive 2011,” but the joke’s on them, right? They must have never realized that the topless field dancing and all of its associated ills are merely part of an extravagant role that Rihanna plays. Likewise for the public display of raunch that was provided for Esquire‘s journalist, who describes Rihanna as “the indisputable champion of carnal pop” and “the essence of F**k” after getting a ringside glimpse of several of Rihanna’s concerts, which include such “arty” moves as offering her own “radiant ass” in a manner much “like it’s a rump roast.” This is not to mention her rampant onstage masturbation, feigned oral sex on the keytarist, and simulated sex with an audience member. However, Rihanna has added a new layer upon her claim that her risque image is merely a farce. Now she says that it’s your problem if you find her sexy at all. Really:

On Choosing “Simulated Sex” Partners For Concerts: The way I pick the person is, whoever I feel doesn’t take themselves too seriously, or who I think would be majorly embarrassed about it. Like these old men… it’s hilarious. Did you see the one who was getting way too comfortable? I can’t remember the city, but I remember what the guy looked like. He was just getting excited.

On Chris Brown: It’s incredible to see how he pulled out of it the way he did. Even when the world seemed like it was against him, you know? I really like the music he’s putting out. I’m a fan of his stuff. I’ve always been a fan. Obviously, I had some resentment toward him for a while, for obvious reasons. But I’ve put that behind me. It was taking up too much of my time. It was too much anger. I’m really excited to see the breakthrough he’s had in his career. I would never wish anything horrible for him. Never. I never have.

On Sex: At the end of a concert, I don’t feel like I’ve been this sexy thing. Really, I don’t even think about it. Unless it’s a song that really calls for it, like “Skin” or “S&M,” or when I cover “Darling Nikki.” There’s a section that’s called “Sex” in the show, which is the obvious section for sexuality. What I’m saying is, that’s the only part that’s deliberate, you know? Like, really? Honestly, even if it comes across sexual — it has to be a part of my subconscious thought. It’s never deliberate in the rest of the show. I don’t even really… I could see “What’s My Name?” – the dancing is pretty sexy. “Rude Boy.” But I don’t know. I guess people find different things sexy.

On Her Mom & Grandma: I like to say that I’m a bad bitch, she went on to say. But they are badder bitches than me.

On Touring: I hate going to hotels when I’m on tour. I like to stay on the bus. I can sleep, I can shower, I can just pull up right to the venue everyday. I work out. I have a trainer. So, she trains me wherever, whenever. Touring messes with my metabolism, so I have to get tight.

[From Esquire]

So how about that Chris Brown stuff? As time progresses, I really do think that — despite the fact that he beat the living crap out of her — Rihanna would probably take him back if she weren’t so famous; that is, if she didn’t fear that dating her abuser would have serious repercussions oupon her public image. Certainly, if her sketchy cousins had anything to do with it, Chris Brown would still be sitting on her family’s Bajan floor while eating fish and oozing sociopathic charm.

Now, onto the business of Rihanna claiming that her show’s not really all that sexy, and it’s merely an incidental and highly subjective interpretation to claim as much. Girlfriend is either lying through her teeth or highly deluded, especially when she regularly does photoshoots like this one for Esquire. At this point, I’m hysterically laughing at her claim that it’s all just an act while checking out these pictures of Rihanna writhing around in a pool of oil and strategically-placed twigs:

Photos courtesy of Esquire

Rihanna covers the November issue of British Vogue while wearing an Armani Prive dress and what looks an awful lot like a Marilyn Monroe-esque wig (and the blonde is reminiscent of that wiglet she wore in her Armani ads). As the magazine puts it, the photoshoot sees Rihanna “reveal[ing] a new quiet sophistication,” which makes very little sense considering that her ass is hanging out in a number of the shots. Don’t get me wrong — her ass looks good — but it’s still front and center with nothing sophisticated about it. If British Vogue wanted to go with classy, they shouldn’t have relied on the image of Rihanna to try that game. Speaking of images, Rihanna now claims that her entire image (one that actually has a Spice Girl speaking out in disgust) is all just pretend, and she’s not really like that at all:

On Her Sexed-Up, Vamped-Up Image: That’s not me. That’s a part I play. You know, like it’s a piece of art … I just want to make music. See, people – especially white people – they want me to be a role model just because of the life I lead. The things I say in my songs, they expect it of me and being a role model became more of my job than I wanted it to be. But no, I just want to make music. That’s it.

On Her Favorite Designers: Stella McCartney is so much fun and so inspiring, I adore her. Oh my God, when I first woke up to [Christopher Kane] with that collection he did with gorillas? I was like, who on earth is making this perfect sh-t? He is the best!

On Her Everchanging Hair: I don’t ever want to be a theme because then it belongs to someone, and that’s not right. I want to cultivate something that’s part of my personal swagger – whatever my mojo tells me, that’s what I’m going to do…

On Loving The “C-Word”: It’s funny. The word is so offensive to everyone in the world except for Bajans. You know African Americans use the n-word to their brothers? Well that’s the way we use the c-word. When I first came here, I was saying it like it was nothing, like, “Hey ****,” until my make-up artist finally had to tell me to stop. I just never knew.

[From British Vogue]

I honestly haven’t minded Rihanna up until now, but I don’t know about these statements. Her voice is okay, but she’s autotuned to hell, which is to be expected in today’s music industry. Also not surprising is her S&M/sex kitten image, which doesn’t even bother me that much if she at least owns it with some authenticity. However, now Rihanna’s trying to say that she’s not like that at all — she’s a good girl. So the scantily clad, topless videos in Irish fields and the off-duty drunken stripper routine is all “art”? Well, James Franco and Lady Gaga both called, and they want their mutual tired shtick back. Art, really? Just call it moneymaking, and we’ll leave it at that with at least a little bit of respect.

Here’s more from the editorial of the British Vogue shoot. I won’t even discuss the Armani couture because no one’s looking at it while that booty is on full display. Just keep in mind that, you know, Rihanna is merely playing a part here.

Photos courtesy of British Vogue

People Magazine did a photo shoot with Kirstie Alley in Italy – you can see one of the photos here, at People. Kirstie looks great in the shot, but… you can totally see how she’s cinched within an inch of her life AND that the photos are going to be using the “motherlode” function on Photoshop. It’s no big deal in and of itself – Kristie has every right to be proud of her weight loss, and she has every right to want to be photographed beautifully. The problem is with People Mag’s interview. When Kirstie speaks, delusion comes out. It was just last week that Kirstie told Entertainment Tonight that she lost “100 pounds” as she went from a size eight to a size 4. Tim Gunn even stepped up and tried to tell people that Kirstie is just delusional about vanity sizing, and now, in this new interview, Kristie continues the deceptions:

Rock that body, Kirstie! When Kirstie Alley cleared the 100 lb. weight-loss hurdle this summer, it was time for a big, fat celebration.

“When I hit that mark, I went, ‘That’s it!’ ” Alley tells PEOPLE during her stay in a villa outside Florence, Italy. “I have more energy than I’ve ever had in my whole life.”

While Alley’s weight has famously fluctuated in recent years, the actress, now 60, hit a wall two years ago.

“My body had gotten really weak,” says Alley, whose weight at that time hovered around 230 lbs. “There was nothing positive about being fat.”

By dancing daily after her dazzling appearance on Dancing with the Stars, where she finished second, changing to an organic diet and following Organic Liaison, her own weight-loss program, she’s turned her life around.

“I feel back to normal,” says Alley, now a proud size 6. “I have my game again.”

And she’s ready for her next challenge: “What I’m looking for is to be madly, deeply in love,” says Alley, who will also star in the upcoming ABC pilot, The Manzanis.

“For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want in a man,” she says. “I want someone who has my back, who is courageous and brave.”

[From People]

I’ll say it again: Kirstie has every right to be proud of herself and her weight loss, and I think it’s great that she’s doing the work to keep the weight off. None of that is the issue. The issue is that Kirstie is made of lies. Size 4, size 6, 230 pounds with a 100 pound weight loss, putting her at a current 130 pounds?!? Who believes these claims? NO ONE. But who will tell Kirstie to shut it? NO ONE. Is it because she’s insane? Or is it because it’s just easier for people to humor her?

Here’s another question – I would have no problem believing that Kristie lost a great deal of weight, but do you get the feeling that Kirstie was already so delusional about her size, and has been lying about it for years and years, so that now when she could step up and be honest about it, it doesn’t feel the same? Like, in Kristie’s mind, she was 200+ pounds and a stretchy size 10 (if that, in her mind), and she obviously lost 100 pounds and now she’s a size 4, only somewhere in the dark recesses of her conscience, she knows she’s been lying the whole time, and she can’t even be proud of herself.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.