Here’s a story that makes me want to give Melanie Griffith a hug. Melanie was asked about how she looks so great while at an event to benefit the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles. FYI – Melanie and her husband, Antonio Banderas, donated over $100,000 to the Children’s Hospital of LA earlier this year, in addition to gifting them with medical equipment. They did this rather quietly and without much fanfare. Anyway, at this event, Melanie told US Weekly that “Most people are telling me I look horrible” and that “The tweets I get are really nasty.” Noooo! Twitter has a lot of positive aspects, but it can really be a haven for trolls. Here’s more of what she told US Weekly:

Posing for photographs at the Oct. 20 Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles Gala: Noche de Ninos, the Oscar-nominated star looked slim and sexy in a strapless, curve-hugging floral gown by Dolce & Gabbana, with Miu Miu platform sandals, red lips, and a tousled up-do.

But it seems not everyone thinks the 55-year-old blonde is aging well. Us Weekly caught up with Griffith on the red carpet, where she revealed that folks on Twitter have had some not-so-nice things to say about her appearance of late.

“Most people are telling me I look horrible,” the Working Girl actress told Us. “The tweets I get are really nasty.”

Still, the star — whose daughter Dakota Johnson stars in the new Fox sitcom Ben & Kate — appeared to be in good spirits all night. She worked the room like a pro, smiling and laughing as she chatted with husband Antonio Banderas, pal Jamie Lee Curtis, and supermodel Heidi Klum, who received a “Courage to Care” award from the hospital.

So what’s the secret to Griffith’s composure in the face of criticism? Modesty. And exercise.

“I don’t know if I look that great,” she demurred. “[But] I work out a lot. I have a trainer that I [work with] four times a week, and I do hot yoga.”

[From US Weekly]

That’s awful! Melanie is in great shape, she’s been looking very thin and toned lately. She has gone a little too far with the plastic surgery, but it’s settling for her and she looks good. I find her really pretty. It makes me feel for her to hear her say most people say she looks horrible. It’s like she can’t take a compliment and it sounds like she’s taking the criticism to heart. There are so many nasty people on Twitter. I wish she wouldn’t pay it any mind.

Getting back to Melanie and her husband of 16 years, Antonio Banderas, I’m so glad to see them together at this event! We’ve heard that they’re having problems, maybe related to Banderas’ rumored cheating, and it’s nice to see them on the red carpet together. They also posed with Heidi Klum and Jamie Lee Curtis. I love these pics of Jamie Lee kissing Melanie. As for Melanie’s tight busy dress, the print looks like 80s curtains and it’s not a good look on her. The skirt part around the bottom is particularly fug. Maybe that’s why she was feeling insecure that night.

Photo credit: News Pictures/WENN.com

The last time we checked on Heidi Klum, she was wearing the worst look of the evening at the recent Emmys ceremony. Before that, Heidi had just confirmed (with a bizarre People exclusive story) that she was dating her long-term bodyguard, Martin Kristen. Of course, there is still the question of whether she was (as Seal says) “fornicating with the help” before she and Seal separated early this year, and of course, Heidi doesn’t want Seal dating other chicks and (allegedly) believes that would be a ground for her to receive primary custody of their four children. Yes, it’s kind of a mess.

These photos are of Heidi and Martin out and about in the Los Angeles area over the past few weeks at a sports event for one of Heidi’s kids and also out shopping. Speaking of the latter, a story in this week’s Enquirer states that now that she and Martin are an official item, Heidi is desperate to get him out of his “bodyguard” clothing (in more ways than one), and she really wants him to dress up in power suits or something. Even though, you know, he’s still her bodyguard. Apparently, Martin was very resistant to the idea, but Heidi talked him into a shopping spree, which she completely paid for to the tune of $10,000. Martin was less than thrilled and wanted to take the clothes back, but Heidi said no way. Here’s the story:

If you’re going to date a supermodel, you’d better look the part — and “Project Runway” beauty Heidi Klum is sparing no expense to make sure her new beau is dressed to the nines!

The 39-year-old recently dropped a whoppng $10,000 on clothes for her bodyguard-turned-boyfriend, Martin Kristen, during a Beverly Hills shopping spree at Barneys.

“She would have bought out the entire men’s deparment but he put up a fight,” a fellow shopper told The Enquirer of the Sept. 21 outing. “She actually only bought him a couple of new suits, some shirts and two pairs of shoes, but the bill turned out to be more than $10,000 because Heidi only gets the best of the best.”

According to the source, Martin was shocked when he saw the bill. “He nearly had a heart attack,” said the source. “He’s got a lot of pride and he’s not into fashion, so it took a lot of convincing to get him to to shopping in the first place. He really doesn’t want Heidi to spend money on him. But Heidi finally dragged him to Barneys and basically pointed out everything she wanted him to wear.”

Martin was uncomfortable with Heidi spending so much money on him, but she refused to let him return the clothing. “Her image is everything, so having a fashionable boyfriend is very important,” explained the source, “and now that Martin’s with her, he has to respect that.”

Mom-of-four Heidi recently admitted she was dating Martin, who has been a constant presence since she split from British singer Seal, 49, in January. “Heidi is crazy about him,” added another source. “He’s really helped her get through a very hard time in her life, and she’s having lots of fun spoiling him.”

[From Enquirer, print edition, October 15, 2012]

Well, it could have been worse. Heidi could have given Martin a makeover in manner of cat-faced Shane Warne or fake-tanned Justin Theroux, but maybe that’s part of her master plan. Honestly, Martin shouldn’t be surprised that Heidi wants to dress him up — did he really think he would transition to “boyfriend” without any sort of upgrade work at all? Heidi merely wants him to look nice for dates.

I will say that Heidi looks quite happy in these photos, so maybe she and Martin are the real deal. Then again, she always looked quite happy in photos with Seal too, right?

Photos courtesy of WENN

Heidi Klum is such a gorgeous woman, and she’s a bloody supermodel who hosts a fashion show for crying out loud. As such, I just don’t understand why she cannot dress herself in a flattering manner. This Emmys dress is a prime example. Heidi wore an Alexandre Vauthier couture gown on the red carpet, and it did nothing for her figure. While I hate to sound like Guiliana Rancic, Heidi’s “girls” really needed a bit more support, and the seafoam green color was nauseating. Add the Farrah Fawcett hair on top of that, and Heidi looked like she was trying out for a role in an Olivia Newton John movie. Why does she do this to herself?

Julianne Hough also chose a similar sickly greenish tone with this strapless Georges Hobeika couture gown that featured lots of embellishment, and it reminded me of the mermaid girl from the Chicken of the Sea cans. Julianne’s makeup is very overdone here, and she should have worn her hair in loose waves. No matter though — she’s a cute girl, but she won’t be around for long!

Edie Falco opted for one of those awful Stella McCartney “optical illusion” dresses that are all the rage these past few seasons (even Kate Moss has made the mistake of wearing one). Edie remarked that it was “very comfortable,” so that’s something I guess.

Lucy Liu was my star of the evening in Versace. The dress was entirely made of metal, but Lucy remarked that “because of the way it’s distributed on the body it’s comfortable.” So unlike Edie, Lucy looked great while feeling comfy too. Lucy was also the subject of many Tweeters’ envy with some wondering whether or not she has a Dorian Grey-esque portrait stashed in her attic. She’s utter perfection.

Photos courtesy of WENN

Heidi Klum has made an odd move in confirming her relationship with her bodyguard (ex-bodyguard? I’ll get to that in a minute), Martin Kristen, by releasing some details in a new exclusive with People. To recap, some photos surfaced last month of Heidi and Martin looking awfully cozy during a vacation with Heidi and Seal’s children. In the aftermath, Seal popped off to TMZ about how he expected much better from Heidi than for her to “fornicate with the help,” and he wished that Heidi “would have shown a little more class and at least wait until we separated first.” He ended his rant with “I guess you all now have the answer that you’ve been waiting for for the past seven months.” The obvious implication there was that Heidi and Seal divorced because she was banging the bodyguard on the side, but of course, Seal tried to backtrack and say he didn’t mean it like that. Whatever.

A few days later, Heidi spoke out, but she kept it vague by saying “Seal has moved on and so have I,” which was a statement that seemed to inform the world that she might be banging Martin, but she definitely wasn’t doing so while they were married. Now People has the “inside story” that includes details from Heidi’s appearance on the new Katie Couric talk show but also, creepily, word from some Klum insiders about why she and Martin are so good together. I’m illustrating the story with some photos of Heidi and Martin over the past few years. They seem like they’d be an odd couple, but I guess that’s a non-issue now that we know they’re together:

When rumors surfaced that relations between Heidi Klum and her bodyguard of four years, Martin Kirsten, weren’t strictly professional, it was unclear what was really going on. “It’s complicated,” a friend of Klum’s tells PEOPLE, explaining that Kirsten, also 39, is Klum’s “no. 1 confidante.”

Well, someone cue Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” because it seems like Klum is singing a different tune: On Wednesday’s episode of Katie Couric’s new daytime talk show, Klum, 39, admits, “[Martin]‘s a great man and recently we just got to know each other from a completely different side.”

“He’s been with our family for the last four years. He’s cared for our four children and helped us tremendously,” Klum also said during her Katie interview. “I trust him with my children’s life.” And her happiness, too, apparently. “He was always her rock,” says an insider. “While everything was crumbling in her personal life he was there for her.”

In addition, “he shows real care and concern for her and her children,” adds the Klum pal. “She relies on him. It’s a little bit of cliché with The Bodyguard movie. I don’t know what will happen in their lives.”

Why They Work
After seeing photos of the model-mogul and the South African bodyguard on a recent beach vacation to Sardinia with Klum’s family, the attraction between the pair isn’t hard to figure out.

“Tall and handsome are very accurate words for him,” says a source. “He can be funny and light but he’s also very professional, which is why I’m really surprised” by the relationship.

Trained in private personal protection with weapons, “Martin takes his job very seriously,” echoes another family source. “It’s not like him to cross the line with a client. At the same time it’s totally understandable. Martin is very loyal to Heidi. They had a friendship that turned romantic.”

For a person like Klum, who is not a regular in the Hollywood social scene, it’s easy to understand why she would fall for a guy close to home. “If there’s someone around who knows your children and knows everything around you, it’s pretty comfortable and easy to connect,” says the Klum friend.

One person who wasn’t thrilled with the news? Klum’s estranged husband Seal, 49, who declared his dismay in a now infamous TMZ video in which he said he wished Klum “waited until we separated before deciding to fornicate with the help.”

“He’s upset,” says a source close to the singer, who only learned of the budding relationship when the rumors made headlines. “What really bothers Seal was this guy was a dear friend. They called each other ‘brother.’ He feels betrayed.”

[From People]

Isn’t that a nice little detail at the end about why Klum’s people believe that Seal is upset? Such maneuvering has occurred on both sides of this divorce. Meanwhile, other details from Heidi’s interview with Couric leaked earlier this week, most notably with Heidi claiming that nothing happened with Martin when she was with Seal: “When we were together, I never looked at another man.” In addition, this week’s issue of In Touch reveals that Heidi has hired a new bodyguard, who was apparently at her side on Sept. 4 and 7 during a trip to NYC. Who knows if this means that Martin is no longer employed by Heidi, but I’m guessing that he probably is. This new bodyguard is probably just there for the damage control because, yeah, it looks bad for Heidi to be sleeping with anyone that she pays. It’s kind of a Gosselin move.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet

Just for reference’s sake, I decided to illustrate this story with a few photos of Seal and Heidi smooching for the cameras while on vacation last August in Porto Cervo, Sardinia. Either things went south very quickly in that marriage (remember, they filed for divorce in January), or they were faking it at that point. Heidi must really like Sardinia though since she just took another vacation there, which resulted in bikini Twitpics and a set of photos that revealed she’s very friendly with her bodyguard.

Then came the public declaration from Seal that, in no uncertain terms, Heidi was banging her bodyguard while they were married (“I would have preferred that Heidi would have shown a little more class and at least wait until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help“). And then he also stated that this infidelity was the true reason for their divorce (“I guess you all now have the answer that you’ve been waiting for for the past seven months). It seems like he was making his true feelings known, right? Well then came the obligatory denial from Seal’s camp, sort of an “I didn’t really mean to make anyone believe she was banging the help even though that’s what I said.” Whatever. At this point, I’m sort of disgusted with not only Seal but Heidi as well since she thinks that because Seal is dating chicks, he shouldn’t receive joint custody of their kids. Never mind that she’s free to date her bodyguard, right? Well now Heidi has spoken too, and she’s at least trying to keep it classy right now:

It’s Heidi Klum’s turn to speak.

Three days after her soon-to-be ex-husband, Seal, 49, commented on her rumored relationship with bodyguard Martin Kristen, the Project Runway host issued a statement of her own.

“I cherish all of the great memories Seal and I created together over the years. Our separation was based on issues between the two of us,” Klum, 39, tells Us Weekly. “Seal has moved on and so have I. My priority has and continues to be protecting and providing for our children.”

A source previously told Us Seal felt ambushed by TMZ while leaving an airport August 31. When TMZ asked Seal to share his thoughts on Klum’s recent vacation in Sardinia with Kristen, he said he “would have preferred Heidi show a little bit more class and at least wait until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help, as it were.”

Klum’s rep denied any infidelity on her client’s behalf, and Seal’s rep later told Us his words were misconstrued. “Seal would like to clarify that he was not implying his wife was cheating while they were together, but he was merely pointing out that their separation and divorce were not final and they are still legally married.”

[From Us Weekly]

From Heidi’s words (“Seal has moved on and so have I“), I gather that she’s delivering an indirect confirmation that both she and Seal have been dating other people since their separation. I also assume that she means that she is currently dating her bodyguard and that she probably had a discussion with Seal that resulted in him delivering his “clarification” about his speech to TMZ a few days ago. We know what he really meant though, and regardless of whether Seal was just blowing off steam or being intentionally nasty, he really should of kept his mouth shut on the matter. After all, Seal and Heidi’s kids are going to read that stuff someday.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet

Last week, we covered the story that Heidi Klum was gunning for primary custody of her four children with Seal for two reasons: (1) He’s dating other chicks now; (2) He made the questionable judgment call of using photos of the kids in a commercial. This move on Heidi’s part has apparently ended the virtual cease fire between the former couple.

After months of silence on Seal’s part, he’s definitely talking now. The Mail has some vacation photos of Heidi “cavorting” with a man, Martin Kristen, who is believed to be her bodyguard of four years. While the photos aren’t overtly incriminating, the two do look very comfy together, and at one point, he puts his arm around Heidi’s shoulders as she smiles towards him. I have to wonder whether this is the same guy that was said to have physically restrained Seal when he allegedly pushed Heidi during a fight last year, and perhaps the situation was a catalyst for a budding relationship between the two. That’s just me thinking out loud though.

Some brave TMZ cameraman asked what Seal thought of Heidi possibly dating her bodyguard, and Seal made a surprising move by giving his full thoughts on the situation. Apparently, Seal either believes that Heidi was sleeping with Martin during their marriage, or he just wants the public to believe that’s what happened. Either way, Seal says Heidi’s infidelity is the true reason for the divorce.

“You know, that’s what happens when people separate. They move on, and that generally means other people in their lives. I certainly don’t expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun, but as always, my main priority is the emotional well-being of our children. And to be quite honest, if there is going to be someone else in their lives, I’d much rather it be a familiar face. I guess the only thing that I would have preferred … at once, I didn’t expect any better of him. I would have preferred that Heidi would have shown a little more class and at least wait until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help. But I guess you all now have the answer that you’ve been waiting for for the past seven months.“

[From TMZ]

Okay, so this little speech follows Seal’s general M.O., which is to say some very eloquent things on the outset, but then he follows all of those relatively nice words up with a huge double punch. In the wake of Seal’s not-so-subtle accusations, Team Klum has also contacted TMZ to say that, well, maybe Heidi might be sleeping with Martin now, but she definitely wasn’t doing so before the separation. Hmm:

Seal’s accusation that Heidi Klum cheated on him during their marriage is absolutely false … at least that’s what Heidi is telling close friends.

TMZ posted a video this morning in which Seal said straight out said Heidi was screwing the bodyguard while they were together — and that is why their marriage fell apart.

Heidi told one close friend today her relationship with the bodyguard was “strictly professional” while she was with Seal.

The friends tell us that since the split, Heidi says she has gotten “very close” to the bodyguard … who has helped her through the difficulties of ending a marriage

As for the nature of their relationship now … all the friend would say is it’s “undefined.” So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.

Heidi’s friend adds, “It’s sad but not surprising that he would resort to making excuses for their divorce when the real reason is looking him in the mirror.”

[From TMZ]

To add to the murky waters, a Klum source tells assures People that Heidi and Martin are not exactly dating, but … “It’s complicated. This has been a difficult time. Her inner circle of people she trusts is getting smaller and smaller and he is her No. 1 confidante.” It’s also worth mentioning that this vacation was not an exclusively coupley endeavor, for Seal and Heidi’s children as well as Heidi’s parents were along for the ride.

Still, I don’t get why — if you’re Heidi or one of her sources, and you’re going to talk to the media instead of ignoring the rumors — there can’t just be a simple “yes” or “no” answer on this subject. Is Heidi currently banging her bodyguard? My gut instinct says it is probably happening. Did she do so while she and Seal were married, and is that the true reason for the divorce? Who knows, but this split is getting very ugly.

Update: Us Weekly just heard from Seal’s rep, who argues that even though Seal pretty much said that Heidi was banging the help while they were together, Seal totally didn’t meant to imply such a thing. Oh yes, he did.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet

Here’s Heidi Klum debuting her “Truly Scrumptious Collection” at Babies ‘R Us in New York while wearing an outfit that would make Snooki proud. Seriously, Heidi is rocking the “Jersey Shore” leopard print and fake tan so hard, and all she’s really forgotten is the glitter. Maybe next time.

The real story here though is that things are heating up in the battle between Heidi and Seal for custody of their four children (three of them being the couple’s bio kids and the eldest being Heidi’s daughter that Seal formally adopted). Yes, we all thought the divorce would be a civil one, but the couple separated in January, and there’s no signs of a settlement anytime soon. In April, Heidi formally filed for divorce and asked for primary custody, but Seal has been adament that he will settle for nothing less than joint custody. That same month, Heidi was rumored to be banging co-star Thomas Hayo (on “Germany’s Next Top Model”), and it really looked like they were more than just friends since Hayo was spotted feeding Heidi food off his plate in public. Too soon.

Now a story in this week’s Star says Heidi has decided she’s going to fight for primary custody even though she was going to agree to joint. What happened? Well, Heidi is angry that Seal used some personal photos of their children in a commercial. Also, Heidi is irritated that Seal has been casually dating women (he was spotted kissing Delta Goodrem backstage at an awards show). Of course, I still side with Heidi on the issue of Seal’s violent temper, which is evidenced by him pushing her and needing to be physically restrained by security as well as Tatjana Patitz’s confirmation that Seal’s not a terribly nice person. But never has Heidi alleged that Seal is a danger to their children. She’s only making issue of this other seemingly extraneous stuff. Here’s a photo of Seal with his kids in New York City in July as well as the details from Radar Online:

When they first split in January it was hoped that Heidi Klum and Seal’s unexpected divorce would be amicable for the sake of their children, but sadly now the gloves are coming off and things are heating up, the new issue of Star magazine is exclusively reporting.

Seal has since countered the super model’s request for primary physical custody by demanding that they both get equal time with the kids, and has also contested Heidi’s claim that there weren’t any joint assets that needed to be divvied up, Star reveals. Seal is worth $15 million, Heidi $70 million — so a lot is at stake.

Both those legal battles are still being fought and now a third disagreement is thrown into the mix after Seal used intimate shots of the children — Leni, 8; Henry, 6; Johan, 5; and Lou, 2 – in an ad campaign for a Leica digital camera without Klum’s permission.

“Heidi felt that the children had gone through enough since their parents split, and she didn’t want their private moments out there for the world to see,” said an insider. “But Seal maintained he had every right to use his personal photos – and, moreover, that it was a done deal and out of his hands.”

The German model hired a lawyer to demand that Leica retract the video and within days it was taken down.

“Heidi isn’t trying to cause trouble,” revealed the friend, explaining that Heidi has always tried hard to keep her children out of the spotlight. “She’s just trying to protect her brood. Since she filed for divorce from Seal, hes been out with more than one young woman, whereas Heidi hasn’t dated at all.”

Despite a number of reports that the reality host has been dating Germany’s Next Top Model executive Thomas Hayo, she has denied they are anything but coworkers.

“She’s not interested in beginning another relationship right now. Her primary goal is getting the kids through the divorce and making sure they are healthy and happy,” the source said.

[From Radar Online]

First off, Seal did a questionable thing by using photos of his kids in a commercial without at least notifying Heidi that he was going to do so. At the same time, it’s odd that Heidi is upset about “private moments” being revealed when she and Seal were Mr. and Mrs. PDA while they were together. It’s different for the kids, I get that. But it’s still an unexpected thing for Heidi to take issue with after all these years of sticking her tongue down Seal’s throat in public. Just saying.

Secondly, Heidi really doesn’t have a right to try and assert primary custody based on the fact that Seal’s been seeing chicks. Was he actually parading these chicks around naked in front of the kids? Doubtful. Heidi really has no leg to stand on if she’s merely complaining that Seal is dating other women. At times like these, I’m reminded of that classic “Beverly Hills 90210″ moment when Dylan McKay said to Brenda Walsh, “The fact of the matter is you gave up any right to ask me questions about my sex life when you decided you didn’t want to be a part of it.” To which my father remarked, “He’s absolutely right.” And then I hid my face in a couch cushion.

Oh, and Heidi has been posting bikini photos on her Twitter account. Here she is in Sardinia.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet

Here we have a few more women from the amfAR gala. (Some of our earlier coverage is here.) I’m not a big follower of fashion, and I’ll be honest I don’t know a lot about designers. Even I could ID this horrible see-through number as Marchesa on first glance. This is not cute, it’s not cheeky, and it looks like a bad excuse for a sexy bridal dressing gown. There are multiple see-through layers to this asymmetric dress, it’s got lace strategically placed to cover up Klum’s lady bits, and it just looks awful. I know Klum likes to push the fashion envelope, but it baffles me that anyone could step out of the house like this. The Fashion Patrol has a photo of this on the runway, and the dress doesn’t even look good on the model. I’ll say something nice, but not about this dress – she looked much, much better at The Paperboy premiere, where she was also wearing Marchesa and had the foresight to wear her hair half-down. It just looks greasy here.

Look you can see her undies from the side.

As a counterpoint, I’ll include Nina Dobrev in an amazing blue sequin off the shoulder Elie Saab. I wanted to headline this story with Nina, because I just love to see her on the red carpet. Nina looking killer is not news though. (Neither is Heidi looking fug, but still.) I admire how Nina, just 23, seems so in control of her fashion. She switches up her look frequently, and she doesn’t seem to have a go-to designer or a comfort zone that she falls back on. I could gush about Nina for a while. I even like her slicked back hair here, it emphasizes her features. Look at that slit. It’s just high enough to be incredibly sexy, without the danger of showing too much. Those silver strappy Jimmy Choo heels are perfect.

Here’s Kylie Minogue looking off her game in red Emilio Pucci. I don’t like the cut or style of the dress, which is slightly unflattering from some angles. From the side it’s really striking, but the dress does seem a little weird with all those cut-out areas along with the squarish deep neckline. It’s a risky look and she seems uncomfortable.

Also in red we have Petra Nemcova, and I feel confident guessing that this is also Marchesa, since Petra wears that label consistently. I’m torn because I love the color and fit of the dress, but find it uninspired with that single detail of feathers around the bodice. Petra pulls it off with attitude, a sleek up-do, and a really amazing necklace. I wonder how many carats she has around her neck. Those silver bow shoes are goofy, though, and she shouldn’t be showing them off.

There’s a reason Michelle Rodriguez plays the army chick in every movie. Even when she’s dripping in beautiful diamonds and wearing a perfectly lovely formfitting fishtail gown, she still looks like she’s about to kick your ass. I like how her personality shines through on the red carpet, though. She’s true to herself and it shows.

Photo credit: WENN.com and FameFlynet, Inc.

The interesting thing about the Cannes Film Festival is that the attendees range from bona fide, A-list movie stars to a bunch of (barely) C-list party girls, who are mostly there for the late-night bashes and to rub shoulders with eligible or semi-eligible rich dudes. So last night’s Cannes de Grisogono party was a sight to behold with a wide range of red-carpet walkers.

Heidi Klum wore a black, slinky, low-cut gown with bizarre, dragonfly-inspired earrings and bracelet. The dress is rather shapeless, and Heidi’s eyeliner is too heavy. Perhaps the look would have beens lightly better if she’d opted for tumbling locks instead of a severely-pulled back look. I’m consistently amazed at how a supermodel who hosts her own fashion-based television program can get it so wrong most of the time.

Tara Reid is still prowling around (and is probably drunk) as well. I have no earthly idea why she’d wear a dress that looks like this. This gold-embelleshed, sheer monstrosity must have been picked out by that 60-year-old jewelry designer who is (allegedly) paying her way throughout the festival.

Kelly Brook probably won this red carpet contest at this party with a snug red gown that covered up most of her assets yet revealed a sizeable portion of her back. Not everyone can get away with peplum, but Kelly pulls it off marvelously.

Milla Jovovich still seems really “off” this year at Cannes, where she usually brings it in a huge way. Here, she’s going for old school glamour and does better than she did with her sloppy On the Road premiere look, but that’s not saying much.

Paris and Nicky Hilton went for vastly different dresses, and the result was … interesting. Paris actually doesn’t look terrible here even though her gown’s fabric might have been pulled from the curtains of the Waldorf Astoria. Nicky looks uncomfortable as hell in this black leather number with matching stiletto heels. Ouch.

Ivana Trump demonstrates quite well that money doesn’t equate to class. Without even taking that awful dress into consideration, the jewels, the eyeliner, and the lips all add up to way too much tackiness.

Victoria Silvstedt looks like a cheap hooker in this satiny, pink, floor-length number that truly looks like it belongs in the bedroom. I try to refrain from saying that about anyone, but here Victoria’s earned it.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet

Poor Jessica Chastain. We’ve only very rarely seen her get it right on the red carpet. She’s worn some Alexander McQueen recently, and sort-of worked those dresses, according to some people. So it’s surprising to see her in such an unflattering, ill-fitting Louis Vuitton at the Met Gala. She’s skinny and it’s squeezing in her stomach area and making it look like she has a roll where there isn’t one. Her boobs look stuffed into a too-small bra-like top (a problem she’s had before) and overall she just looks miserable. Look at the bedazzling along the lines of the dress. It’s awful.

Jessica just dropped out of talks to star in Iron Man 3, citing her busy schedule. Goop will be relieved to be rid of some competition.

In contrast Heidi Klum looks happy as hell in this purple lace overlay Escada, and she has no reason to be. (Apart from being single, rich, gorgeous and having a nanny for each of her kids. I guess I get why she doesn’t GAF about her fashion.) That dress is straight from the 90s and the stacked cheap-looking necklace and bracelets just add to the dated effect. It even has a diagonal cut-out around the waist.

Heidi’s pale makeup kind of works, though and I really like her hair like that. I can’t say the same for Jessica’s styling. You can see a closer photo of her here. Jessica has on almost no eye makeup coupled with very dark stained lips. Did she not look in the mirror and object to her makeup artist? How meek do you have to be to not say “put some eyeliner and mascara on me, bitch.” I would fire anyone who sent me out like that.