Heidi Montag has the kind of delusional self-esteem that leads people to attempt to (unsuccessfully) take over nations. Just no sense of reality. Which means she’s perfect for reality television. Montag has had a delightfully failing music “career.” Which really is much too strong a word, even with the quotations marks. Her first single “Higher” was laughed right off the internet – as was the home-movie video that boyfriend Spencer Pratt filmed for it.

Despite being not just a failure but considered lower than K-Fed in terms of music credibility (and that’s one of the few positions under failure on the success ladder), Montag has decided she wants to put out a new album – a Christian album, no less. The best response I could think of was something Tina Fey’s character said on 30 Rock: “If reality TV has taught us anything it’s that you can’t keep people with no shame down”

“I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God,” says Montag, who identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist.”

Montag — who just released her latest single “Fashion” and frequently reads the Bible — says she even wants to record a Christian album.

She adds that she once planned on devoting her life to God as a missionary in Africa. She and beau Spencer Pratt — who just attacked Mary-Kate Olsen after she said he had a bad temper in high school — will head there in August to “feed children and help build things.”

Of [Lauren] Conrad’s claim that Montag spread those sex tape rumors, Montag says: “God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

[From Us Weekly]

Heidi Montag says she’s the MOST religious person? Out of… who?? The other girls on The Hills? Or the whole world? Or ever? I mean, she is the most.

But you know, this all makes a lot of sense. Jesus was really into fashion. In fact He placed a pretty high level of importance on it in the Bible. I think it’s in the book of Chanel. Here’s the problem: Heidi Montag should not be recording any album. End of story. I’m pretty sure you can find that buried somewhere in the Bible if you look hard enough.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer – as well as Heidi performing with Tracy Morgan at the Boost Mobile Rock Corps at the Gibson Amphitheatre in Los Angeles on June 20th. Images thanks to WENN.

Before I listened to reality star Heidi Montag’s latest atrocious song, the third one that’s been released from what will undoubtedly be an even worse CD, I read the title: “Fashion.” It made me think of another song with “Fashion” in the title that used to be on my heavy rotation list: “She’s in Fashion” by the British band Suede from 1999. If you listen to that song first it’s like comparing Picasso to an infant’s scrawl. I also have another favorite song with “Fashion” in the title, and it’s by Bowie. Let’s listen to those two songs so that we can put off having to endure Heidi Montag’s latest offering:

“She’s in Fashion” by Suede, 1999

“Fashion” by David Bowie, 1980

There’s also “Dedicated Follower of Fashion” by the Kinks, but I had to google to find that one as it’s a little before my time. I may as well include it because it’s is a merciful way to help you delay listening to Heidi’s version. Here they are performing it in 1973.

And here’s Heidi Montag’s latest song, “Fashion,” thanks to US Weekly. Her boyfriend Spencer Pratt calls it “the greatest song of my life.” The repetitive music that accompanies the kiddie flash games my four year old plays are easier to listen to than this song. In fact I can’t even think of a toy he’s ever had that has more annoying music. I would critique the stupid lyrics, but it’s not even worth it:

Heidi Montag has her own clothing line, and it’s just as bad as the song of the same name. The Fug Girls reviewed her clothing, and they said that even at prices under $40 it was priced way too high. There just wasn’t enough fabric or style to go around.

Heidi might be churning out crap, but she’s laughing all the way to the bank. It’s reported that she and her permagrin costar boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, made $3 million the last two years. They even spent $10,000 on guns. I wanted to make a crack about how they should always have them locked up in case their party guests are ever forced to listen to Heidi’s music, but that joke just seems so tasteless considering how seriously I would mean it.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag might have a better idea of what the world thinks of them than we thought. Or they have even more of an unearned sense of self-importance than previously believed. Now that they’re all “famous” (read: hated) Spencer has made some enemies (shocking!) and is supposedly fearful for his and Heidi’s safety. So they decided to do the smart, rational thing. Hire security? Nope. Why do that when you can spend ten grand on guns!

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are the couple that America loves to hate. But while that playful animosity has bought Spencer and Heidi their own 15 minutes of fame and made them a fortune, it has also brought them some negative attention. “Spencer does have a few enemies,” one pal explains. “He’s alienated a lot of people now that he’s rich and famous.”

As Perez Hilton reported on his blog, Spencer, 24, and Heidi, 21, have been concerned about their protection. So the couple visited the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, Calif., on June 7 and spent more than $10,000 on guns to arm themselves. They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. “They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses,” a friend explains. Spencer wants to be prepared for anything,” says the friend.

[From In Touch]

I don’t claim to be a gun expert, but in my experience if you want the “exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses” you’re trying to look cool. Unsuccessfully, by the way. If your motivation is protection, that’s one thing. But I’m guessing Spencer is just suffering from a classic case of “my penis is too small, I better buy a gun to prove I’m a man.” And if your penis is so small that you require five guns… well that’s a lot to make up for. Might want to get a muscle car, too.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer at the 19th Annual “A Time For Heroes” Celebrity Carnival in Los Angeles on June 8th. Images thanks to PR Photos.

Anything having to do with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt makes me feel uncontrollably nauseous. And I know I’m not alone here – I think it’s safe to say this applies to 99.9999% of the rest of the world as well. The notorious media whoring couple just can’t keep one single moment of their lives private, and have decided to pimp their wedding to MTV. With just about any other celebrity couple, this would be somewhere between fabulous and semi-interesting, depending on the couple. But with Heidi and Spencer, it’s just the next step in a process that serves to inflate their undeservedly large egos – and bank accounts.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt want to do it on live television. The pressaholic reality-television couple have been talking to MTV honchos about a live telecast of their upcoming nuptials!

Montag, 21, has told MTV programming and development honcho Tony DiSanto that they’re ready to say their I-do’s for the cameras, a source reports.

No surprise, but DiSanto is said to be keen on the idea.

According to Montag and Pratt’s weekly latest cover story in Us, their dream is a small wedding on Sir Richard Branson’s Necker Island in the Virgin Islands, with catering by Wolfgang Puck’s Cut restaurant, watches by Jason of Beverly Hills for all their guests and a performance by U2.

Of course, Montag wants to warble out a tune, too.

[From E! News]

What wonderfully delusional wedding plans. I cannot believe these two haven’t released a sex tape yet. They keep absolutely nothing to themselves. I imagine their home is probably something like the Big Brother house, with cameras in every room. Every night before bed they go over the footage and find the most photogenic shots to release to In Touch and Us Weekly the next day.

Once Heidi and Spencer get married, what’s left for them? Giving birth on VH1, no doubt. Probably with some super-exclusive mini-camera access to Heidi’s birth canal. A lifetime of over-exposed, completely dull reality television from the two flattest characters on television may very well await us all.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer outside the Ed Sullivan Theatre before taping the ‘Late Show With David Letterman’ in New York City on Monday. Images thanks to WENN.

I try really hard not to be one of those people that’s always bemoaning the lack of justice and fairness in the world, at least when it comes to material, trivial things. But this is just beyond all of my restraint. According to a report that came out yesterday, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have made over $3 million in the last two years. Yep, all those posed “candid” shots of them going for carriage rides in Central Park and being all lovely dovey in matching outfits at baseball games actually were worth something. A lot of it, in fact.

MTV’s “The Hills” Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are one the most photo and press-friendly couples on tv, and they know how to cash in on it.

In Touch Weekly claims:
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag may be one of the most controversial couples on television — but they’re laughing all the way to the bank. Since coupling up on The Hills two years ago, the pair have raked in about $3 million from their TV salaries, club appearances, photo shoots and business deals. “We are trying to entertain in every aspect of our lives,” Heidi says. “Reality stars are grasping for their 15 minutes of fame,” notes David Scott Sloan, a private wealth services lawyer who doesn’t work with them. “And it looks like Heidi and Spencer are trying to make the most of their chance.” For Heidi, 21, that means also pursuing a music and acting career. “I plan to win an Oscar,” she says. “I’m very ambitious.” Although the couple haven’t made any money off her singing yet, Spencer, 24, who is also Heidi’s manager, is very optimistic about their financial future. “My hustle is just too crazy,” he says. “I’m trying to take over the world!”

[From the Huffington Post]

How badly did you just want to throw up? It’s that sort of deluded self confidence that leads to people like David Blaine and every reality “star” on the planet. And you know what, I could deal with that. I mean Heidi and Spencer are morons, and totally clueless to the fact that everyone hates them. But now I understand why they’re clueless – the pair are making bank. If I had raked in $3 million in two years and people sometimes mentioned I was really disliked, I’d hand them my bank statement and be like, “What were you saying?”

Now I totally understand why Heidi and Spencer don’t get how hated they are. And even if they do - and are just playing naive – clearly they’re doing a pretty good job at playing the game. This makes me want to punch Spencer Pratt in the ear even harder than before.

Here’s a “best of” Heidi and Spencer’s contrived candid moments. Images thanks to WENN.

The Hills star Heidi Montag isn’t content to get US Weekly covers for non-stories about how she’s fighting with her ex best friend or thinks her boyfriend betrayed her, but isn’t willing to reveal any actual details. Now she’s planning to fake a pregnancy in order to get more attention over the summer. Star has the story, and while they do make up a lot of their content I would bet this one is true:

A source tells Star that [Heidi and Spencer] want to hog more of the spotlight by faking a pregnancy!

“This summer, Heidi plans to wear loose clothes and even strap on some padding around her waist to make it appear as if she’s about three months along,” says the insider. “The plan is to get the baby rumor mill going so she can get phoographed more. She and Spencer won’t confirm or deny the pregnancy so they can keep everyone guessing.”

According to the source, Heidi, 21, and Spencer, 24, have plotted each step carefully. First the aspiring singer will stop drinking. Then she’ll visit chic children’s boutiques… to pick out baby stuff. But by the end of the summer, Heidi will be photographed bumpless and sporting a skimping bikini while strolling along the beach.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, May 26, 2008]

Just about everything about Heidi is fake, so a fake baby would be just her style. I guess there isn’t much more she can pull to get attention. While it’s not original, a faux pregnancy is better for extended press coverage than a see through top or a crotch flash. Heidi may not have a lot of class, but at least she hasn’t shown us her goods yet.

In related Hills news, Heidi’s co-star and friend Audrina Patridge is said to have held two separate birthday parties for her 23rd birthday in order to accommodate both Lauren and Heidi, who can’t stand to be around each other. According to the latest edition of In Touch, Lauren held a barbeque party on May 9 at their home for Audrina, and then Audrina had a casino-themed party at her parents house the next night. She invited Heidi, but not Lauren because she “didn’t want there to be any awkward run-ins.” Lauren was hanging out with other friends that night and it sounds like Audrina knew this and did not deliberately snub her.

TMZ reports that Heidi and Spencer and two of their friends were out at a restaurant this weekend while filming The Hills and that Spencer tipped a whole $16 on a $783 tab. 15% would have been over $100 so that is indeed cheap. A producer is said to have paid $60 additional in tip after the waiter asked why the tip was so low.

Let’s hope these two aren’t going to have a actual child anytime soon.

Heidi and Spencer are shown at a Kentucky Derby party on 5/2/08, thanks to WENN.

Heidi Montag and her giant teeth were on the Late Show last night. She wore a pink slip dress that looked like lingerie and explained the plot of her faux reality show, The Hills. She talked about her feud with Lauren Conrad and about Lauren’s sex tape with Jason Wahler, which she says exists even though Lauren tried to make it seem like she made it up.

Dave asked “How much of this is actual and how much is professional wrestling?”
Heidi answered “I wish it was professional wrestling because then we’d be the smartest cast ever”

Dave showed the Rolling Stone cover featuring all The Hills women, and Heidi said that they weren’t Photoshopped together and that “unfortunately we were all there.” She said that everyone else had a good time and that she just wanted to get out of there.

As for when she’s going to marry Spencer, Heidi said she’s young now and seemed to suggest that it will be a while.

The thing that bothered me about the interview is that Dave took the whole thing so seriously while Heidi blathered on about her feud with Lauren and about how Lauren shouldn’t tell her who to date. He made a few good natured jokes but he really didn’t challenge her or put her down like I would have liked to have seen. Heidi has those awful songs out and a new trashy clothing line and Dave didn’t mention either of those things, probably because her handlers told him they were off limits.

Can you guys please explain to me why these Hills characters are everywhere all of a sudden? I know this is a popular show for MTV but from what I’ve seen it’s just a poorly acted soap opera with reality elements. I’ve really been trying to ignore these people, and I don’t cover their petty little fights because it all seems like high school bullshit to me. It’s almost impossible to avoid them, though, and they seem to have weasled their way into popular culture. I just hope this trend fades as quickly as it seems to have begun.

Heidi Montag on David Letterman, 4/30/08, part 1:

Heidi Montag on David Letterman, 4/30/08, part 2:

Heidi Montag is shown outside The Late Show yesterday, thanks to WENN.

Have you noticed that there are much fewer stories about Lindsay Lohan lately? A story in People made it abundantly clear that she’s completely fallen off the wagon. While the gossip magazines and sites covered it, it was barely a blip on our radar. She’s living with a woman and we covered a story that she yelled at Ashley Oslen for trying to talk to her girlfriend, saying “Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend,” but it only got 7 comments. It’s not like anyone really cares about her at this point. Good for her for staying in a relatively long term relationship even if she’s insanely jealous and drinking again.

The stars of faux reality show “The Hills” get more press coverage than Lohan, and that’s really saying something. Over the weekend there was a story that she drink Shirley Temples and seemed to abstain from alcohol while at a gig her girlfriend, DJ Samantha Ronson, played in Las Vegas on Friday, but with Lohan you never can tell if she’s sneaking vodka into her drinks. Nor does anyone particularly seem to care.

Here she is at the Launch of the Scarlet HD TV Series yesterday, looking rough and awkward in that dress. Also shown are Heidi Montag and Spencer Prat, Emmy Rossum, Kristin Cavallari, Lauren Conrad, Tila Tequila, Vanessa Marcil, Bai Ling, and Travis Barker. Thanks to PRPhotos.

Even if you’re not a fan of the current president, it’s an incredibly big honor to be invited to the White House Correspondents Gala. Even if you’re a really, really dumb person, you generally know this. But if you’re Heidi Montag – or worse, Spencer Pratt – you don’t care about any of that because you are much, much bigger than any stupid little gala. And she calls herself a republican.

Heidi was recently invited to attend the gala by MSNBC. I have no idea why. Several media outlets do invite celebrities – though normally ones that aren’t quite as D list as Montag. However Spencer Pratt got involved and started making all sorts of ridiculous demands for both him and Heidi – even though he wasn’t invited. And that, of course, was the death of another opportunity for Heidi Montag at the hands of Spencer Pratt.

President Bush will have to make do on Saturday without the company of Heidi Montag, star of MTV’s “The Hills.” The surgically enhanced blonde backed out of the White House Correspondents gala when she couldn’t get expenses paid for her Svengali-like boyfriend, Spencer Pratt.

MSNBC had invited Montag to be a guest at its table at the Washington Hilton. “Then Spencer got involved as her manager,” a source told Page Six. “He demanded first-class tickets for both him and Heidi - even though he wasn’t invited.” When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag’s appearance, claiming, according to our source, “It wasn’t ‘A-listy’ enough.”

A rep for MSNBC denied the reality show star had ever been invited, saying, “We are not having, nor did we invite, any celebrities to sit at our table.” However, a rep for Montag and Pratt said, “There was a scheduling conflict so they couldn’t make it - but they always travel together.”

[From Page Six]

I would really love to see Spencer Pratt’s face when all of his demands get laughed at. I know it happens pretty often – because he never seems to be able to learn from his mistakes and understand that he’s an absolute nobody – but I would really love to see his reaction. Is it anger? Shock? Confusion? And how in the world does he justify the hatred and disgust the world feels for him?

Heidi Montag is pretty much a nobody too – but she had some vague, tiny chance of shooting up to the C list. Unfortunately she’s got that delusional boyfriend tagging along, and his bizarre and unearned sense of entitlement has ruined whatever shot Heidi ever had. Probably time to take off the bikini top and pimp out those “surgical enhancements” while you still have a shot Heidi.

Here’s Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt leaving STK restaurant on Tuesday. Images thanks to WENN.

There are many things that I would feel comfortable calling Heidi Montag. Idiot. Embarrassment. Nitwit. Someone with an unexplained ego. I really don’t think it’s necessary for the rest of the world – let alone the freaking New York Times – to compliment Heidi in any way. She’s already full of herself already and doesn’t need the encouragement to further bloat her ego. Or God forbid that of Spencer Pratt, who I’m sure will somehow manage to take credit for the New York Times calling Heidi Montag… wait for it… a “feminist hero.” I’ll just chill here while you clean the vomit up from your floor. Don’t feel embarrassed, same thing happened to me.

What’s Heidi Montag’s reaction to being hailed as a “feminist hero” in The New York Times’ review of The Hills?

“I was very honored to be called a feminist hero,” Heidi tells In Touch. “It’s a big deal to be even acknowledged, let alone complimented by The New York Times by such a profound, famous TV critic.” Her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, was also a fan of Ginia Bellafante’s review — even though it praised Heidi for refusing to acquiesce to his demands. “Spencer was ecstatic,” says Heidi. “He’s proud of whatever I do.”

The 22-year-old aspiring singer and Heidiwood fashion designer says she considers herself a feminist (“I definitely do!” she exclaims), but was less forthcoming when asked who her own feminist heroes were. “Who are my feminist heroes?” she asked. “ Um… I’ll get back to you on that one!”

[From In Touch]

After consulting Spencer, who called a friend to look up some names on Wikipedia, Heidi reported that her feminist heroes were Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan. But then Spencer changed his mind and decided Heidi actually preferred bell hooks over Friedan. New York Times’ TV critic Ginia Bellafante’s comments on Heidi aren’t quite so flattering when read in their original context – though they’re certainly not an insult either. But Heidi might want to actually find a copy of the newspaper before she puffs her chest so far out. Oh wait, that’s just the implants. That she got for Spencer.

Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates Nascar parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiancé, Spencer, that she get herself home on time. Her career-mindedness sets their relationship off course. Heidi identifies the problem with no name: a boyfriend who sits around an apartment decorated to look like an ’80s video arcade while trying to deny Heidi a real wedding with the glory of registering. Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do.”

[From the New York Times]

Ooooohhh, deep. Gloria Steinem just pumped her fists in the air and burned a bra in Heidi Montag’s name. I don’t think Heidi’s standing up to Spencer about their wedding was about asserting her rights and not being manipulated by a douche bag, I think it was about the desire to throw a ridiculously large party and try to out-do her friends. But if someone wants to make that sound bigger and better than it is, so be it. I’m just worried this might inflate Heidi’s ego to the point that she releases another song. Or worse, a video.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer at Perez Hilton’s Quinceanera at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel on March 22. Images thanks to PR Photos.