Jessica Alba and her five week old baby, Honor, appear on the cover of this week’s OK! Magazine. In the accompanying interview Alba talks about her birth experience, calling it “zen,” and says she didn’t scream and was calm the whole time. She also calls her baby a “miracle” and talks of her in spiritual terms, saying it’s like “she’s connected to the other world.” That’s poetic and I wouldn’t expect to hear that from her. Alba has started gradually exercising to shed the baby weight, and says she’s “doing it slow” and trying to eat healthy.

“I didn’t scream,” Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. “It was really Zen.” And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”

Here, the proud pair open their door exclusively to OK!, introducing the adorable Honor Marie Warren.

“It hasn’t totally sunk in,” Jessica reveals to OK!. “She dreams, she smiles, and coos and does all these things, but she hasn’t seen enough of the world yet to understand any of that stuff. So I still feel like she’s connected to the other world, or something. There’s no other way to explain it. It’s a miracle.”

The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. “The labor was more like meditation,” she says. “I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”

Jessica, who tells OK! she ate “a lot of soul food” in the weeks following Honor’s birth, says she’s just now starting to shed the pregnancy pounds.

“I started working out last Thursday, but for 20 minutes. I do cardio on my own. I’m doing it slow,” she says. “Now I’m starting to eat more healthy. Because after working out, having fried chicken and mashed potatoes is a little counteractive.”

So who does Honor look more like?

“She looks like a girl version of me,” Cash says. “She has my nose, my eyebrows and my…”

“Forehead and dimples,” Jessica finishes, adding, “She has my mouth when I was a baby. And my ears.”

“Maybe Honor is a mixture,” Cash reconsiders. “I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I’d kill myself!”

[From OK! Magazine]

That’s cute that Cash says he’d be upset if their daughter is too beautiful. He doesn’t have a lot of say in the matter, and their baby sure is cute.

In Touch reports this week that Alba is working hard to lose weight so that she can be fit for a second larger wedding celebration with Cash. Jessica has reportedly lost 15 pounds but wants to get slimmer before they have a big party. The two were married in late May at the Beverly Hills courthouse and they didn’t even release a photo. Alba was said to have been reluctant to sell her baby’s first public pictures, but was eventually convinced by OK!, which reportedly paid $1.5 million for the photoshoot and another set of photos of one of Honor’s holidays. I hope it’s Halloween and they dress her up all cute.

Jessica Alba on 1/26/08. Credit: L. Gallo / WENN
The higher up you are on the celebrity pecking order and the more babies you have, the more money the photos will fetch from the glossies. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are said to be commanding at least $16 million for the first photos of their twins, due sometime this month. Matthew McConaughey just signed a $3 million deal with OK! Magazine for pictures of his newborn son, Levi, and Jamie Lynn Spears got around $1 million from OK! for the exclusive story of her pregnancy at 16 and the first photos of the baby.

Jessica Alba’s baby pictures fetched a respectable $1.5 million from OK! The photos were taken this week, according to TMZ, and should come out soon:

TMZ has learned Honor Marie Warren, celebuspawn of Jessica Alba and hubby Cash Warren, is now $1.5 million richer thanks to OK! Magazine.

We’re hearing the two-part deal consists of pictures of the baby now, and one other “event” — Christmas, Thanksgiving, vacation, etc. Our spy said Jessica initially turned down the offers of several weekly mags, not wanting to sell, but eventually caved.

Two-month-old Honor, we’re told, is just “adorable” and the pictures, taken this week, are “so cute.”

[From TMZ]

Celebrities who seem to have made the conscious decision not to sell photos of their children include Naomi Watts, Halle Berry, and Salma Hayek. In fact not even the paparazzi have photographed Halle’s four month old Nahla. Watts willingly showed her then-newborn, Alexander, to photographers trailing her last summer. Salma Hayek released a lovely posed photo with baby Valentina, taken by the Associated Press with no pricetag associated with it that I could tell.

On our post about the whopping $16 million bidding price for the first Brangelina twin photos, commenter Anastasia mentioned that Brad and Angelina are probably trying to do what they think is best for their children by controlling the photos and keeping the paparazzi partially at bay. She said “If they don’t do this, the paps will be practically killing people to get pictures of these babies and will probably no doubt endanger people for real to get the pics, because they can fetch a high price.”

That’s definitely true for the Brangelina twins, and maybe for the other celebrity babies as well. Alba lives in LA and she’s followed everywhere, so it could be a real concern for her.

Still it seems so much more noble just to stay at home with the little one and not bother with all the press. Save the photos and stories for your friends and family. I want to see the stars’ baby photos though, and I love to read the stories. If the celebrities want the publicity they may as well cash in.

Critics say that “The Love Guru,” Mike Myers’ asinine riff on new age spiritualism, is so bad and so soul-sucking that it’s hard to even describe how awful a movie-going experience it is. Reviewers at The NY Times, Slate, and other outlets say they’re at a loss to explain how truly awful it is and how uncomfortable, angry and depressed they were after sitting through it. While Austin Powers was arguably funny, Myers’ first film in 5 years just falls flat, digs a hole, craps in it, and expects you to think it’s funny.

Slate: “the most joy-draining 88 minutes I’ve ever spent outside a hospital waiting room”

There are good movies. There are bad movies. There are movies so bad they’re good (though, strangely, not the reverse). And once in a while there is a movie so bad that it takes you to a place beyond good and evil and abandons you there, shivering and alone. Watching The Love Guru (Paramount Pictures) is a spiritual experience of a sort, but not the sort that its creator and star, Mike Myers, intended. This tale of a guru who brings joy to all who meet him is the most joy-draining 88 minutes I’ve ever spent outside a hospital waiting room. In the course of those long minutes, Myers leads you on a journey deep inside himself, to the source from whence his comedy springs—and it’s about as much fun as a tour of someone’s large intestine.

[From Slate]

NY Times: it will “make you wonder if you will ever laugh again”

Which might sum up “The Love Guru” in its entirety but only at the risk of grievously understating the movie’s awfulness. A whole new vocabulary seems to be required. To say that the movie is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. The word “unfunny” surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, “The Love Guru” is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.

[From The NY Times]

Video Hound: “the kind of cultural and comedic offense that audiences should demand retribution after seeing.”

Someone needs to be punished. The Love Guru isn’t just your average bad movie. Smoothly limbo-ing below already low expectations, this “alleged” comedy is the kind of cultural and comedic offense that audiences should demand retribution after seeing. And just giving them back their money won’t do. Mike Myers and Jessica Alba are the main cinematic war criminals in question here, but they’ll probably get away with this disaster and move on unscathed to commit more comedic terrorism. Justin Timberlake is bulletproof, but poor Romany Malco and Meagan Good should be worried. Of course, they’re not to blame. Every single flaw of The Love Guru falls at the feet of the once-talented, but clearly now completely delusional, Mike Myers. This week’s Entertainment Weekly contains a shockingly harsh article about Myers that inspired me to think that he must have been a total prick when the mag interviewed him back in April. Why else would they run such a negative piece about a movie the week of its release? Now I know. They saw the movie and, like me, they’re angry.

[From Video Hound]

Chicago Sun Times, Roger Ebert: “a dreary experience”

Myers has made some funny movies, but this film could have been written on toilet walls by callow adolescents. Every reference to a human sex organ or process of defecation is not automatically funny simply because it is naughty, but Myers seems to labor under that delusion. He acts as if he’s getting away with something, but in fact all he’s getting away with is selling tickets to a dreary experience.

[From Chicago Sun Times]

There’s one character who is getting praise - critics say Justin Timberlake’s cameo as a French Canadian hockey player is pretty funny, but in no way worth sitting through even ten minutes more of the movie.

The Love Guru is up against Get Smart for opening weekend winner at the box office. Love Guru currently has a 15% aggregate critic’s rating on Rotten Tomatoes while Get Smart, with Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway, has a more respectable 52%. Neither is a great film, but one is clearly more awful.

Stills below are from The Love Guru thanks to All Movie Photo. Thanks to The Huffington Post for the idea for this article.

Here are the trailers for The Love Guru and Get Smart

Love Guru

Get Smart

Jessica Alba, 26, and her new husband Cash Warren, 28, had their first child this weekend, a daughter that was born at Cedars Sinai hospital, according to US Weekly. Jessica’s rep would not comment on the supposed arrival, although an earlier report from a tipster to Celebrity Baby Blog had Jessica entering the same hospital in labor on Friday with Cash, carrying birthing balls. (Which are just those big exercise balls and are supposed to help get you into position to open the pelvis for an upright birth and may ease labor pains.)

US reports that Jessica’s father was seen in the maternity ward and was overheard saying “she’s beautiful,” while Cash was spotted bringing in food on Saturday.

If this is true, congratulations to Alba and Warren! I bet we’ll learn the name of the little one soon, and Alba is the type to sit for a magazine spread, so in a month or two there may be lovely photos. She seems like she’ll be a great mom.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are shown at his surprise birthday party on 3/22/08, thanks to WENN.

Update: Alba’s rep has confirmed the news! She had a baby girl, named Honor Marie Warren on June 7 in LA. Congratulations!

A rumor is starting to swirl that Jessica Alba is about to give birth to her baby girl. This may go the way of Angelina Jolie’s false birth reports, but I find Alba’s possible labor believable.

A CBB reader emailed us early this morning to say that she spotted Jessica Alba, expecting a daughter at any time, being wheeled into Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. The reader reports that Jessica’s husband Cash Warren was also on hand, carrying birthing balls, and was seen standing alongside security guard.

[Celebrity Baby Blog]

The last photos of Alba showed her ready to burst at any moment. She lounged in a pool floating around on a raft looking in good spirits. Jessica is also rumored to be overdue. Her due date is thought to have been in the last week or two of May. Other sources claim that she has about two months left before she is due.

A slew of celebrity babies have made their way into the world and magazines are hot to get their hands on the first photos. The Jolie-Pitt twins’ first photo is said to be worth millions. While Joe Simpson has been busy trying to sell Ashlee Simpson’s photo to the highest bidder, no magazines have yet made an effort to score Alba’s first born.

“I haven’t really gotten any - not that I’m aware of. You have to understand, everything that is written is kind of bull.”

[Celebrity Baby Blog]

The only baby I am interested in spending $3 on to buy an issue of People with their face plastered on the cover is Halle Berry’s little one. I bet she is gorgeous and her first word will be Oscar.

Jessica Alba is shown shopping at Miu Miu in Beverly Hills on 5/23/08, thanks to WENN.

That Jessica Alba is a sneaky one. I’m not sure how she did it, but the very pregnant actress, 27, managed to get married to fiancé Cash Warren, 31, on the sly yesterday. Actually it’s pretty clear how she did it – wait for Ashlee Simpson to make a bigger deal of her secret nuptials, and then sneak off to a courthouse and get married in the basement. Okay in New York it’s a basement. In Los Angeles it’s probably all classy and up on the first floor. Though they were married “under an arch of green silk foliage and white flowers.” Sounds pretty, until you remember that silk flowers are just those fake crappy things they sell at Walmart. But who cares about foliage when you’re in love?

Mom-to-be Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have gotten married, PEOPLE confirms. The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.

According to a source, they were married in the Beverly Hills courthouse’s ceremony room under an arch of green silk foliage and white flowers. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail.

“She looked happy but nervous,” the source says.

Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says.

Nobody else attended the wedding, the source adds.

[From People]

I have decided that when I get married, I am going to do it in secret. This seems to get a lot more publicity, and the pictures are worth more money. I’m going to start planning my secret wedding now, because I’m under the impression that it takes a lot of work to thwart the paparazzi. Or you can just wait until a Monday when everyone’s all tired and hung-over from the weekend, waltz down to the courthouse, and get the job done pretty quickly.

I’m kind of surprised this is how they went about it, but whatever works for you. Alba has recently noted that she’s been pretty relaxed since getting pregnant, and most everything else doesn’t really stress her out right now. She probably just wanted to get it over with and stop having people ask her about it. Jessica and Cash’s baby girl is due this summer. Congrats to the happy couple.

Header of Cash and Jessica at the Oscars in February. Images thanks to WENN.

One good thing seems to have come out of the Dina Lohan school of parenting: the entire world is now aware of exactly why it’s a bad idea to try to be your kid’s friend instead of their parent. Very pregnant Jessica Alba gave an interview to People magazine in which she talked about the downsides of pregnancy, and what kind of mom she plans on being.

Now I never really saw Jessica Alba as the couchie-coo pushover type filled with sweetness and light, or someone who would really care about getting anyone’s approval of her parenting skills. Certainly not her own kid’s. And it turns out I’m right, because Jessica says she won’t be her daughter’s friend.

Until Jessica Alba and fiancé Cash Warren’s baby girl arrives this summer, the pregnant actress is stopping to smell the roses – though she’s aware of the serious challenges she’ll soon face.

“At the end of the day I am so tired I can’t function or speak and my eyes glaze over,” Alba, 27, tells Fit Pregnancy magazine for its June/July issue, “but this pregnancy has seriously mellowed me out, which is nice. I’ve been going, going, going for so long, it feels nice not to take things so seriously.”

And though she finds herself craving citrus products during her pregnancy, when it comes to what she’ll allow as a mother, she says: “I don’t want to be my child’s best friend; I want to be a mom. But I do want my child to come to me when they have problems and need to talk, so it’s going to be about treading that line.”

[From People]

Thank you, Dina Lohan. Okay to be fair, Jessica Alba never credits/blames Dina for her parenting philosophy, but I’m pretty sure there’s a direct correlation. Most people seem to know that they shouldn’t be their kid’s friend, but the desire for approval (or in Lohan’s case, the desire to act like a moron/reclaim her lost youth/act like a moron) sometimes got in the way.

But now there’s this famous wreck – Lindsay Lohan – that we can all look to as a guide for how we don’t want our kids to be. Anytime anyone has a parenting decision, they can ask themselves, “What would Dina Lohan do?” And then do the exact opposite. As long as Jessica Alba sticks with that, she’ll be a pretty good parent.

Here’s Jessica Alba leaving Champagne restaurant after picking up some take-out food on April 10th. Images thanks to WENN.

Jessica Alba is out and about doing publicity to get some attention for her next (and sorta crappy looking) movie, The Love Guru, also starring Mike Meyers. Jessica was getting some bad press for some seemingly anti-Latina comments she made, but since her pregnancy the media seems to be more into her. She gave one of those charmingly orchestrated, overly-personal interviews in which she talks about her sexuality to Allure magazine. And posed for some interesting pictures. Oh and shockingly, she doesn’t think you need to wait for marriage to have sex.

On Her Steamy Public Image: “[Hollywood] always play[s] up your sexuality, because that’s what gets men into the theaters. And I never really gave a s— about all that stuff! It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But it is definitely not what I am about by any means!”

On Owning Her Sexuality: “I don’t think I was comfortable with my sexuality until I was an adult, probably, like, 22 – that’s when I stopped apologizing and stopped feeling ashamed. I did the Vagina Monologues in L.A. That made me proud.”

On Sex Before Marriage: “I never believed women had to be virgins when they got married, or that a woman has to fall in love with a guy just because they’re having sex. I don’t think sex is a big deal. I hated the hypocrisy of it. Men can do whatever, and it’s acceptable.”

[From People]

I’m a little confused – were people still plugging the abstinence ‘till marriage bit? I thought that died a while ago. I guess I assumed that was the case, since I haven’t met an intentional virgin since college. And even then, it was just the one. I just love that very pregnant Jessica Alba had to go on the record to note that she thinks waiting until marriage is bull. Really? Because I totally couldn’t tell by looking at you.

Here’s some photos of Jessica from the upcoming issue of Allure. Thanks to jessicaalba.net.

Jessica Alba had her baby shower yesterday in LA at the Ever After Teahouse. Her sister, Jamie King, and reality star Kim Kardashian were among the guests, and there were plenty of security guards on hand to make sure the paparazzi didn’t get out of hand.

Guests enjoyed tiger shrimp, pulled chicken, chocolate strawberries, and mini custard tarts and eclairs.

Alba of course received a lot of gifts, including a cradle, books, and baby clothes. She also gave her guests a gift bag from Tastybaby, an organic baby food company.

Alba is due in June and is rumored to be having a girl. She received at least $4,000 worth of high end baby gifts in a surprise shower thrown for her on the Tyra Banks show in February, so it’s not like she needs many more supplies. A shower is a nice way to celebrate an upcoming arrival with friends and family, though.

Thanks to MarieClaire for the details for this article.

Photos thanks to WENN and Splash News.

If you have children, you were probably subjected to Nickelodeon’s 25th Annual Kid’s Choice Awards ceremony on Saturday night. You have my sincerest condolences. I, too, had to watch, and it was often eyeroll-inducing: lame banter between celebrity presenters; boring and unfunny “behind the scenes” skits; stupid slime stunts that dragged out the show even longer and wayyyy too much Disney product, in the form of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Miley Cyrus won favorite female television star and favorite female musical artist, much to my daughter’s delight.

There were a few bright spots in the broadcast, including host Jack Black’s over-the-top opening musical number, in which he wore a bright green superhero costume and rocked out with a giant octopus playing guitar to the Kiss song “I Was Made for Loving You,” with the lyrics changed to “I Was Made for Sliming You.” (In my opinion, Black was the only funny, high-energy part of the show and should have been allowed to riff and get crazy even more.) The theme of each Kids’ Choice Awards, you see, is that celebs and kids in the audience get buckets of green slime poured on their heads at random moments. Slimed celebs included Harrison Ford, who recreated a famous scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” which concluded with him being covered in green slime. Other mildly amusing segments included a celebrity belching contest that featured Jodie Foster attempting to burp along to the song “YMCA.”

All in all, the show had the same problems as most other awards shows: it went on too long, there was too much unfunny dialog, and the host didn’t get enough chances to do what he does best. But if you are at all interested in the winners, here they are.

Favorite TV Show: Drake and Josh
Favorite Reality Show: American Idol
Favorite TV Actor: Drake Bell (from Drake and Josh)
Favorite TV Actress: Miley Cyrus
Favorite Cartoon: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Favorite Movie: Alvin and the Chipmunks
Favorite Movie Actor: Johnny Depp
Favorite Movie Actress: Jessica Alba
Favorite Animated Movie: Ratatouille
Favorite Animated Voice: Eddie Murphy (Shrek The Third)
Favorite Music Group: The Jonas Brothers
Favorite Song: “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne
Favorite Female Singer: Miley Cyrus
Favorite Male Singer: Chris Brown
Favorite Male Athlete: Tony Hawk
Favorite Female Athlete: Danica Patrick
Favorite Book: Harry Potter Series
Favorite Video Game: Madden NFL 2008
Wannabe Award: Cameron Diaz

If anything, the Kids’ Choice Awards gives parents a glimpse into the music, movies, and other pop culture their kids like– which should scare the crap out of you. I know I had a hard time sleeping knowing that the youth of America wants to be just like Cameron Diaz.