Ah, lets’ just go ahead and analyze (and over-analyze) everything Brangelina. Brad and Angie made it to at the Golden Globes red carpet with plenty of time to schmooze the media outlets. Brad wore a three-piece Ferragamo tuxedo which… no one paid attention to. People only looked at Brad’s cane and his hair. He looked scruffy, but I was just happy that he wasn’t wearing sunglasses like a jackass. As for Angelina, she was in this cream and red Atelier Versace. Okay, Brangeloonies, it’s time for some hard truths: I really didn’t like this gown. Seriously. It washed her out, even with the red streak. It looked padded in the bust and butt, and the cut was really weird throughout the bodice and shoulders. Now, I didn’t loathe the look, and I’m aware that there are mixed opinions. My mom loved the whole thing, and CB thought her lipstick was the biggest problem. So, go ahead and fight about it. I’m just saying, I think she could have looked so much better. And hey, at least it wasn’t a motherchucking sack.

Shall we talk about the Ryan Seacrest interview? I was laughing my ass off. You know Ryan and Angelina pretty much hate each other, right? And it goes back to the 2007 Golden Globes – go here for a minor review. Anyway, last night, Angelina wore a stunningly direct bit face while talking to Ryan, and I was totally rooting for her to smack the hell out of him. Does it even matter what they said to each other? Nope. The subtext was clear. Ryan was all, “This bitch.” And Angelina was all, “Come at me, a–hole. I’ll kneecap your ass too.”

As for Brangelina at the actual show – they were front and center, and there were some gratuitous cut-aways to them, but not as many as in years past. Angelina lost Best Foreign Film (while Madonna was presenting!) and Brad lost Best Actor, but both got to present. During the ceremony, Angelina wrapped herself up in a matching shawl or jacket which was not cute. And thankfully, the cameras didn’t pan to Angelina when Ricky Gervais made ANOTHER crack about The Tourist. All in all, a disappointing night for the Brangelina Brand.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

I’m running on fumes at this point, but I wanted to do a post for the men of the Golden Globes, because there were some fine specimens of dong-dom on display. One of the rare surprises and highlights of the evening – for me – was Idris Elba’s win as Best Actor for Luther. When he got up to give his speech, you could just feel it in the room – every woman was like, “HOT DAMN, Idris is speakin’.” He was gracious and cool and off-the-cuff, and obviously, he’s even hotter when you hear him speak. For now, just enjoy the photos.

Unfortunately, we don’t have access to any photos of Michael Fassbender. Twenty-million photos of Paula Patton and Nicole Richie (ugh), but Fassy was largely ignored on the red carpet, and the only time the camera panned to him was during the Best Actor thing. But I loved that George gave the Fassdong a shout-out. Love the finger bite too. Jesus, imagine that finger… nevermind. That was way too dirty.

How cute is Ewan McGregor? He got a lovely shout-out from his on-screen dad, Christopher Plummer too.

Jean Dujardin is really sexy, I think. I like his accent, and I love his face. He’s a sweetheart.

I get hot for Peter Dinklage. There, I said it.

Channing Tatum: Beefcake. He managed to perform his presenting duties better than Mark Wahlberg.

In lieu of my favorite ginger (Fassy), I’ll always take Damien Lewis. I love him, and he’s an amazing actor. I’m thrilled that Homeland won! It’s such a good show, and Damien acted his ass off in it.

UGGIE!!!!! Cutest thing on the carpet.

Mark Darcy. I mean Colin Firth. DING-DONG!!! He looks fab.

Gerard Butler really is trying to win me back, you know. Just think about this… Fassbender, Gerard Butler and Idris Elba, all in the same place at the same time. Nice, right?

A little Brad Pitt, because I know the ladies love some Pitt. Why are his lips always chapped these days?

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame.

I have such mixed feelings about Reese Witherspoon’s appearance at the Golden Globes last night. She was there as a presenter, and her film This Means War comes out in a few weeks, so Reese is trying to promote the film in a big way. I respect that – Reese hustles like everyone else. More power to her. But… but… but… is this working? I noticed it in Reese’s recent Elle Magazine profile – she’s really trying to change up her image from “Type A, anal retentive good girl” to “beachy, sexy, ditzy bombshell.” There’s a disconnect, at least for me.

But let’s talk about the fashion and styling. Reese’s dress is Zac Posen, and although it looks okay in still photos, in motion, you could tell that Reese had poured herself into something that was much too tight. She was basically hopping down the carpet and taking little baby steps on the stage. The dress is interesting though – love a blonde in fire-engine red, and I don’t hate the detailing on her hips. The dress makes her look like a shiny red Corvette, right? So, on some level, I really like this and I think Reese looks beautiful in a new way. And her body looks AMAZING.

As for the hair – CB claimed that Reese was just doing “big, Southern hair.” NO SHE WASN’T!!! This is not Southern hair. This is big, teased up “beach hair”. It looks scraggily and overworked, like she was trying too hard to look bedheady. You know what this whole thing reminds me of? Reese is trying to become the next Jennifer Aniston. She’s trying to adopt that kind of image – more low-key, more fun, more beaches and smiles and girl-next-door sex appeal. The problem? Reese Witherspoon is an Oscar-winner with two kids. I don’t buy that she spends her spare time in Cabo drinking Mojitos. Reese isn’t that woman. But someone convinced her that the kind of woman she really is wasn’t selling. And that bothers me.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s Open Post, last night was all about George Clooney. I don’t get why he’s so desperate for validation this year, of all years. Why is he pushing himself in our faces so hard? Why was he, like, one of the first people on the red carpet? He arrived before Lea Michele, right? WTF is happening? And most importantly, WHY DID HE LET HER SPEAK?!?!?

So Clooney and Stacy Keibler were one of the first people to arrive on the Globes red carpet, and they did a longer interview with Ryan Seacrest. George let Stacy speak! And dear God, this girl has nothing to say. She didn’t even pick out her dress – George chose it. Probably because he doesn’t want another tit tape disaster, right? My favorite part – the part that made me laugh hysterically – was when Stacy fronted like she and George have ALWAYS done the Globes red carpet together. She said something about how glad they were to be there because “this is always such a fun night!” Like she’s been so many times. Like she and Dame Helen Mirren are always up for awards together.

Anyway, Stacy’s dress was Valentino – I actually like it, and it flatters her figure and it’s a nice color. I don’t even mind the bow at the back. My only problem was with the scraggily hair. What is her hair problem? She does “rat’s nest” hairstyles too often.

So… Clooney won Best Actor over Brad Pitt and Michael Fassbender, but he managed to give both men a shout-out in his acceptance speech. I did like what he said about the Fassdong and how… ENDOWED my Fassy is. It was nice of George to notice, and to comment about the Fassdong publicly. Bless his heart.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Maybe it was just the light, maybe it was just some extra-glossy lipstick, but whatever it was, Nicole Kidman’s lips looked out of control at last night’s Golden Globes. What’s weird is that I actually think Nicole has eased up somewhat on the Botox – her face was moving, she didn’t seem to be made of unbreakable porcelain, she was emoting… and then the lips. Did she just get them done (again) for the Globes? Does she have some kind of permanent lip implant in there? I‘m including some closeups of her face so you can decide.

So, Nicole was at the Globes with her husband Keith Urban. Nicole was there to present – with Clive Owen!! – and promote Hemingway & Gellhorn, the HBO movie she and Clive did together. Nicole wore this studded Versace gown which… on one hand, I like it. It flatters her body, it’s not a sack, it’s not a lace doily, and it’s not overly frilly, which it what Nicole does too often. I like the idea of Nicole in studded Versace – she used to be more rock n’ roll, and studded Versace is always a good idea. That being said, it’s still too light for Nicole. It washes her out. And the bust on the dress makes her tatas look super-fake and bolt-on-y. Which they very well might be, but still.

As for her hair and makeup – just shoot me because I think her hair looked fine. I would complain about another woman with her long hair worn down and worn simply, but it kind of works on Nicole, and I’m not hating it. Her makeup is fine… except for the lipstick, which just draws attention to her lip-jacking.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame.

Yesterday, the SAG Award nominations came out, and I covered those with the recent Critics Choice nominations. Today it’s Golden Globe nominations! The Globes aren’t as big of an Oscar-harbinger as the guild awards, but the Globes are still a fun night, and they do actually matter. So, let’s get to the list! I’m throwing some comments in too.

Television (full list here):

BEST TV SERIES, DRAMA: American Horror Story, Boardwalk Empire, Boss, Game of Thrones, Homeland. * I LOVE Homeland, and I’m so glad it got nominated. I’m guessing Game of Thrones or Boardwalk Empire will win, though.

BEST TV SERIES, COMEDY: Enlightened, Episodes, Glee, Modern Family, The New Girl. *LOVE The New Girl, happy to see it nominated, and I love Modern Family. My guess is MF will win.

BEST ACTOR, DRAMA
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Brian Crantson, Breaking Bad
Kelsey Grammer, Boss **Why is Kelsey Grammer getting so much love?
Jeremy Irons, The Borgias
Damian Lewis, Homeland *WOOT Damian Lewis!!! YAY GINGERS

BEST ACTRESS, DRAMA
Claire Danes, Homeland *WOOT.
Mireille Enos, The Killing *MEH. That show sucked in the end.
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Madeleine Stowe, Revenge
Callie Thorne, Necessary Roughness

BEST ACTOR, COMEDY
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
David Duchovny, Californication
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Thomas Jane, Hung
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes

BEST ACTRESS, COMEDY
Laura Dern, Enlightenment
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl *YAY!
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Laura Linney, The Big C
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

BEST MINI-SERIES OR TV MOVIE: Cinema Verite, Downton Abbey, The Hour, Mildred Pierce, Too Big To Fail. *Love Downton Abbey. Also loved The Hour.

FILM (see full list here):

BEST PICTURE, DRAMA: The Descendants, The Help, Hugo, The Ides of March, Moneyball, War Horse. *WTF on The Ides of March – that film was total crap. It was like a really naïve episode of The West Wing, only The West Wing always had much better writers. Yay for Moneyball, though. I loved that movie.

BEST PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY: 50/50, The Artist, Midnight in Paris, My Week with Marilyn. *I LOOOOVED 50/50. It was a really beautifully done film.

BEST DIRECTOR
Woody Allen, Midnight In Paris
George Clooney, The Ides of March *Once again, WTF?
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo

BEST ACTOR, DRAMA
George Clooney, The Descendants
Leonardo DiCaprio, J Edgar
Michael Fassbender, Shame **** OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG *****
Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March **Why not for Drive?
Brad Pitt, Moneyball

BEST ACTRESS, DRAMA
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo *MEH.
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

BEST ACTOR, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Brendan Gleeson, The Guard
Joseph Gordon Levitt, 50/50 *YAY!
Ryan Gosling, Crazy Stupid Love *The HFPA loves the Gosdong
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris

BEST ACTRESS, COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jodie Foster, Carnage **WTF? That movie looked terrible.
Charlize Theron, Young Adult
Kristen Wiig, Bridesmaids
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Kate Winslet, Carnage **WTF? That movie looked terrible.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh, My Week with Marilyn
Albert Brooks, Drive
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Viggo Mortensen, A Dangerous Method *OMG! Yay for Viggo.
Christopher Plummer, Beginners

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain , The Help
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants

BEST SCREENPLAY
Midnight in Paris, Woody Allen
The Ides of March, George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon
The Artist, Michel Hazanavicius
The Descendants, Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash
Moneyball, Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin

*No nomination for Will Reiser, who wrote 50/50? That was a lovely script.

Final thoughts: I hate how much love Clooney is being shown. The Ides of March was terrible, and Gosling should have been nominated for Drive, not Ides. The television noms seem all over the place – no Justified or Timophy Olyphant, no Community, no Parks and Recreation, no Breaking Bad (for series). Still, I guess it will be a fun night? Meh. It should be a good night for dong, in any case.

UPDATE: Yes, I left it off, sorry. Angelina Jolie’s In the Land of Blood and Honey was nominated for Best Foreign Language Film.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

The last someodd 40 hours have been a whirlwind of controversy for Ricky Gervais, all because of his performance as host of the Golden Globes. It was a performance that had Scientologist jokes, career jokes, Mel Gibson jokes, Angelina Jolie jokes, and Hugh Hefner dick jokes. There are lots of little tidbits of information, and I’m just going to cover the major points, if I can. First of all, while the Hollywood Foreign Press hasn’t explicitly said whether or not they approved or cosigned Ricky’s comments, their president did say that Ricky had “crossed a line.” Also, it’s looking more and more like Ricky was either trying to get fired, or simply didn’t care that this was going to be his last Globes hosting duty. Ricky released a statement to TMZ:

Ricky Gervais doesn’t care if he’s ever asked back to host the Golden Globes”" … because he’s “not gonna do it again anyway.”

A smiling Gervais was weathering the storm in New York this morning — following his super-controversial statements at the awards show — when Ricky told us, “I think twice is enough.”

After the photog mentioned that Ricky’s fellow comics seem to be standing by the performance — Gervais replied, “Well, it’s nice to be loved by your peers … they stick by you.”

[From TMZ]

Ricky also took to his blog (which is having technical problems currently, probably from all of the people trying to access the header photo of Ricky in his gold mankini) to address some of the specific bitches and moans:

All the same conspiracy theories as last year too… “So and so was offended”… “hasn’t been invited back yet”… exactly the same as last time. “Paul McCartney was furious”… no he wasn’t. And nor was Tim Allen and Tom Hanks. I was drinking with them after.

Why do people have to embellish? They’re allowed to say they hated it. They’re allowed to say they didn’t find it funny, that it was tasteless, over the top, or whatever. But why do they speculate and make stuff up?

[From Ricky's blog, via Huffington Post]

Now, I haven’t really given my opinion about this Ricky stuff – CB covered it yesterday. I thought he was really, really funny in the opening monologue – like, uncomfortably hilarious. But then throughout the evening, it did seem like, to borrow a word from Robert Downey Jr., it got a bit “sinister”. Less about the jokes and more about out-right insulting people. The “joke” about the Hollywood Foreign Press president just seemed mean to me. James Wolcott at Vanity Fair had an interesting piece about the overall tone of the Globes, and specifically the WTF-remarks of Ricky and Robert DeNiro.

Header photo courtesy of Ricky’s blog.

I honestly gasped in horror when Heidi Klum came on screen. I mean… she looked like a damn clown. The makeup was garish and awful, the dress… might have been cute at a beach party, but on the Globes red carpet, it’s just terrible. The hair was bad too. Heidi really needs a great stylist – she’s a beautiful woman, she’s got that amazing body after four kids, for the love of God, someone get her a good makeup artist and a decent stylist.

Eva Longoria looked like hell, correct? And it was all about what was happening with her face. My immediate reaction was that she’d gotten some divorce plastic surgery, although it could be Botox too. Some think that it’s just a bad makeup job. Maybe. But whatever it was, it was terrible. As for the dress… I would have liked it on someone else.

Halle Berry, you are a gorgeous woman with a beautiful face and a body to kill for: why do you insist on dressing in this trashy, tacky hot mess? It is beneath you. You are better than this. Remember when you used to ALWAYS be the best dressed on the carpet? You need to go back to that.

Much like Megan Fox, Christina Aguilera could make ANYTHING look trashy. I don’t hate or love Christina’s black-lace dress, which is probably best. The best she could do was be “meh”. She’s lost some weight and she looked sober-ish on the red carpet, so it’s probably a “win” for Christina.

I am in physical pain saying this, but I did not like Sofia Vergara’s dress at all. It looked like a reject costume from Moulin Rouge. It made Sofia look kind of cheap. Damn, I hate saying that. Do you think she’ll still let me motorboat her?

Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton. Much, much, MUCH too fussy for someone so young and so beautiful. The dress wasn’t bad, but it should have gone to someone older.

Kyra Sedgwick… I love you, but NO. No no no no.

Why was little miss prom queen invited? Ugh. Carrie Underwood is the very definition of a pageant bitch. All fake smile and tight hair and mall dress.

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN.

Nicole Kidman looked like hell last night, didn’t she? It’s as if she’s punishing herself post-Botox marble-head. Now that her face is back to moving a little bit, Nicole was like “Eh, I’m just going to run a brush through my hair and throw on this ugly off-white dress.” You know what killed me about the dress? It was seriously unflattering on her body – Nicole ALWAYS wears clothes that will make her look thin, and this dress made her look like she had (GASP) gained weight. Maybe she has gained some weight – if she has, seriously, good for her. But she needs to learn to not wear ill-fitting off-white dresses with waist bows. I would have thought Nicole already knew that!

Milla Jovovich… maybe I don’t “get” her, but I thought the dress was ugly, I thought her styling was boring, and I didn’t know why she was there. At all. She was just one big WTF? to me.

Megan Fox in Armani… more pink than neutral, but whatever. My mom thought her dress was really pretty, and maybe it was and I just can’t see it. Megan could turn even the prettiest dress into something tacky and trashy. She just has that quality – even fine couture looks like a stripper’s coverup on Megan.

I honestly didn’t hate Jennifer Lopez’s dress, I really didn’t. It was an interesting choice for her, and surprising covered-up and mature. It’s like… she realizes she’s in her 40s! Gasp. However, her makeup and hair was horrible. The makeup especially was just terrible.

ScarJo makes it onto our bad hair post, and our bad neutrals post. I absolutely hated this gown on ScarJo. So matronly, and it washes her out terribly.

Kaley Cuoco – I would ordinarily ignore her, but she presented and she was kind of adorable when she got to give the Globe to her costar Jim Parsons. The dress is kind of awful, though. Just the wrong color for a blonde. It washes her out.

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN.

How horrible did Sandra Bullock look last night? I mean… the dress was not good, but it could have been saved if Sandra had been styled well. Sandy is almost 50 years old – it’s time to stop with the little-girl bangs trauma and the rocker-chick “I don’t give a frig” styling. Be a professional. Be classy. Unfortunately, Sandra decided to go for some radical bangs trauma… because that’s what boning Ryan Reynolds will get you.

Bad choices, bad hair, bad bangs. Speaking of boning Ryan Reynolds and having the horrible hair to show for it, Scarlett Johansson….

Totally Bride of Frankenstein. What’s worse is that ScarJo thinks this is a “high fashion” and “editorial” look. Yes, there are models in fashion magazines who will have this hair. That doesn’t mean it should be worn on a red carpet.

I hestitate to call out Helena Bonham Carter, especially over her hair, which was only one small part of HBC’s crazy-bitch styling (also included: two different colored shoes). But the hair was a spectacular mess. Just the icing on the crazy cake, really.

Michelle Williams: “Hi, I’m the second coming of Mia Farrow, aren’t I precious?” Me: “No, your 30 years old, it’s time to grow up and stop with the 10-year-old-boy haircut and the 10-year-old-girl daisy dresses.” What’s even worse? The fugly daisy dress is Valentino. WTH?

I actually like Olivia Wilde’s Marchesa dress (shock), but I thought she ruined the look with her dumb bangs trauma. Her hair wasn’t red-carpet. It wasn’t Golden Globes. It was much too informal for this event. And you know she was aiming for “I’m such a hippie, I can wear this fancy gown with simple beach hair.” And she can’t.

Did you see the back of Helen Mirren’s head? Her new haircut is HIDEOUS. It looks like she cut it herself. With a weed-wacker. It’s all choppy and cheap-looking. As for Tilda Swinton… well, she’s an alien. I mean, am I supposed to critique the hairstyles of aliens?

Photos courtesy of Fame and WENN.