Hahahaha. Lindsay Lohan is due in court today to begin The Great Crack Trial of 2013, but it’s looking more and more like she’s not going to make it, or she won’t make it on time. Here is a rundown of everything that’s happened in the past 24 hours:

*Yesterday, Lindsay was in New York and she boarded a private plane because OMG how does she afford a private plane?!!? She was originally planning to fly back to LA on Saturday, but those plans were scrapped.

*And then after boarding the private plane, “she decided to get off and she left her bags behind.” “Sources close to Lindsay” (re: Lindsay) told TMZ that she believed “there was a problem with the plane” like a fuel leak or something. The 35 other people on the plane also de-boarded too. Sources claimed Lindsay just sat in the airport lounge, calling and texting all of her johns, asking if anyone had a private plane she could borrow because heaven forbid she travel commercial, right?

*But TMZ notes that the plane did fly after an hour delay, and the plane stopped in Vegas to refuel before continuing to LA.

*Eventually, Lindsay managed to blow her way onto another private plane, this one funded by Mr. Pink energy drink (which LL crack-promotes). TMZ says that the plane is scheduled to land in Van Nuys at 8:11 PST, and the courthouse is 20 minutes away. And she’s due in court at 8:30 PST. Basically, she’s definitely going to be late and the judge could issue a bench warrant.

*Her assistance Gavin is on the flight with her. Gavin was one of the people who “rolled” on her to the cops, and by that we mean that the cops asked him what happened and Gavin answered honestly.

*The prosecution is not amused by all of Lindsay’s crack shenanigans. They will be asking the judge to “throw the book” at LL and sentence her to 240 days in jail for lying to the cops (when she gave her statement after her PCH accident). If and when she’s found guilty, the City Attorney is also going to get involved and ask for a jail sentence because she’s violated her probation. And if she’s convicted, her probation will be extended another two years, so… yeah. She really needs to be found guilty.

*The court proceedings should begin around 11:30 EST/8:30 PST. This is your Open Post for the Crack Festivities and we’ll be updating or doing new posts later (or tomorrow) depending on what’s happening.

UPDATE: Lohan finally arrived at court 48 minutes late. But TMZ says her lawyer might have already left?

UPDATE #2: Radar says Mark Heller is currently speaking to the judge while Lindsay sits in the courtroom and the prosecutor sits there fuming. LOL, jail? Also, Lindsay had an escort of 6 sheriff’s deputies to go to the bathroom.

UPDATE #3: Apparently, Heller and the judge have been working out some kind of plea deal all this time? TMZ says Heller’s co-counsel just grabbed some plea deal forms.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet.

It’s the end of the awards season, and all of us paying attention to what really matters (fashion!) have noticed a curious thing: so many of the ladies-to-watch have been consistently disappointing. Jessica Chastain has significant issues with tailoring, hair and dressing for her age. Jennifer Lawrence is almost always a hot mess. Anne Hathaway’s style was eclipsed by her Oscar Beav. Jennifer Garner looks like a politician’s wife. Jennifer Lopez keeps looking like a cougar zombie.

And so a curious thing happened… little Eddie Remayne quickly became The One To Watch during the awards season. He was always beautifully turned out. His suits were always impeccably tailored. He had fun with color, but he always knew what looked good on him. He accentuated his slim, tall, model figure. He has freckles and cheekbones to die for. He brought back the pocket square. Basically, Eddie is the hit of the awards season! He gives a good red carpet interview too, which is nice because he’s been everywhere this awards season. And so Eddie gets to host this year’s Oscars Open Post, which is quite an honor (haha).

Eddie will be at the Oscars tonight too – and he’ll be singing live with the cast of Les Miserables. It should be… interesting. We’ll see.

E!’s red carpet begins at 6 pm EST, and that’s the one I’ll be watching, although I’ll probably switch over to ABC when they begin their carpet too.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Ah, Beyonce. I’m disappointed! But I’m disappointed because the rumor mill was working overtime last week, with multiple sources claiming that FLOTUS Michelle Obama had scored her second Vogue cover, the March “Power Issue”. Considering Anna Wintour is so tight with the Obamas (Wintour was one of Obama’s top bundlers/fundraisers), I really was expecting to see a cover full of first lady bangs. But instead I get Beyonce! Just as well. If I had a Vogue cover full of bangs, I wouldn’t know what to say about it.

So Beyonce covers the March “Power Issue” it seems. I guess it’s not completely 100% – this wasn’t leaked by Vogue or anything, and God knows, it could be Photoshopped, although I don’t think it is. I think Bey is just continuing on her path of total world and media domination. Allegedly, Beyonce will be at tonight’s Grammys. Remember when everybody thought she would be at last year’s Grammys too? She and Jay-Z released Blue Ivy’s first photos and everybody was expecting them to show up but they never came. Probably because Bey knew she’d be losing big-time to Adele. Speaking of, Adele is going to be there too, allegedly. You know Beyonce and Adele are sort of close, right? Adele has said that they’ve met several times and she (Adele) loves Bey.

So, will Beyonce be able to achieve complete Grammy domination if people like Rihanna, Adele, Taylor Swift and The Black Keys are around? Oooh, I had forgotten about The Black Keys. They’re my favorite!!! Anyway, this is your Open Post to discuss all things Grammys. We’ll have lots of coverage tomorrow, in addition to lots of BAFTA coverage too.

Cover courtesy of Vogue, additional photos courtesy of Beyonce’s Tumblr.

CB & I were talking and we decided to do Lindsay Lohan’s court appearance this way – in an Open Post that we can update as new information comes in. As you’ve already seen from our earlier coverage today, Lindsay was claiming to be “sick” – too sick to fly, too sick to show up to her court hearing. But TMZ called her out and she got her ass on a plane, and when she and her mom arrived, no hotel would let them in! So it’s been a really rough 24 hours for The Crack Brigade.

As for this court appearance… I have no predictions other than nothing major will happen. Sources might excitedly proclaim that THIS is finally the time when Lindsay is ordered to jail, but I doubt it. We’ll see. My real prediction is that Lady Justice will continue to give Lindsay a friendly pat on the firecrotch. Anyway, it’s just a pre-trial hearing, she doesn’t have to give testimony or anything. And we’ll get to see if her new lawyer is a hack (which I’m pretty sure he is). We’ll be updating with more information when it comes in!

Update: Lindsay has arrived about 8 minutes late. CB said “Look at her fake hair.” I said, “She doesn’t look sick.”

Update by CB: After watching the hearing today, I have to say that Lindsay’s new attorney, Mark Heller, sounds just like My Cousin Vinny. He used a bunch of big unnecessary words in sentences that made my head spin, he sucked up to the judge by referring to the fact that she used to be a NY city detective, and overall he seemed like a huge step down from Shawn Holley.

Heller also vouched for Lindsay’s “medical” condition, claiming he’d “confirmed with her local doctor who had been treating her for a long time… that she had an upper respiratory infection.” Judge Sautner said that Lindsay was required to come today to confirm in person that she agreed to the change in counsel, but that she is not required to appear again until the trail basically. Her lawyers can appear in her place during the pretrial.

As for the pretrial and trial, the pretrial will happen on March 1st, and the trial is scheduled for March 18th I believe, although that may change. Lindsay faces charges for violating probation and for lying to a police officer after her rented Porsche accident in June.

At the end of the hearing, Judge Sautner said that she is retiring soon. I didn’t catch the exact date and will update when it’s known. (Update! March 1, before Lohan’s next hearing!) Sautner said that the case will be assigned to whomever succeeds her. This is good news, because she only gave Lindsay probation after the necklace-stealing incident, and Lindsay thought she was “fair.” I hope that Sautner retires soon and Lindsay gets a real hard ass for a judge in her place.

Another update by CB: TMZ adds the fact that Judge Sautner reminded Lindsay that she “could be found not guilty in the lying case, and her probation in the jewelry case could still be violated since the standard of proof is lower.” Yay! I still doubt that anything will happen to her though.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN.

Here is your Open Post for tonight’s Screen Actors Guild Awards. Generally, this awards show is somewhat low-key (compared to the Globes and the Oscars), but some years there will be some big news. Like, Angelina Jolie debuted her bump (when she was pregnant with the twins) at the SAGs in 2008. And last year at the SAGs she was apparently boozing it up with Tilda Swinton. Alas, I don’t think we should expect anything that spectacular for this year’s SAGs. And by that I mean, all of the drama will be left to who actually wins the awards, because none of them are sure things.

So I’m giving you the two biggest competitors for this year’s Best Actor race – Daniel Day Lewis and Hugh Jackman. Hugh won the Globe for Comedy/Musical for Les Miserables and DDL won the Globe for Drama for Lincoln. I think DDL has come into this awards season as “the one to beat” and Hugh has been running a solid, look-at-my-happy-family, everybody-loves-me campaign. Hugh seems genuinely grateful and gratified when he wins something. Daniel seems… well, he’s happy when he wins something too, and everybody likes and respects him. I think the instinct for a lot of people will be to give them both something, so it will be interesting to see who wins tonight. The SAGs are a great predictor for the acting awards at the Oscars.

So, if you had an Oscar ballot, who would you choose? I’m not sure! I would angle more towards Hugh just because… DDL already has two Oscars. But it will be fun to watch! And tomorrow we’ll have all of the fashion & awards coverage!

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet and WENN.

This is your Open Post for all things Obama inaugural today. The walk/parade begins at 11 am (-ish?) and the Obamas are due at Capitol Hill at 11:30. This should be the order of things – and FYI, I’m leaving out some of the musical acts, so these are just the major points. Senator Chuck Schumer will make the welcoming remarks, then the invocation by Myrlie Evers-Williams, the widow of the late Medgar Evers. Soon after that, Joe Biden will be sworn in by Justice Sonia Sotomayor, then James Taylor will play “America the Beautiful”. Then Chief Justice John Roberts swears in Pres. Obama at 11:55 (if everything goes according to plan). Incidentally, the Chief Justice messed up the oath in 2009, and John Roberts had to come to the White House later that day for an oath mulligan with the president. It’s said that the Chief Justice will have his oath cheat sheet this time around so there will be no mistakes.

After Obama is sworn in (even though he took his constitutionally mandated oath yesterday – video below), he will give his second inaugural address, then Kelly Clarkson will sing “My Country Tis of Thee”, then a poem by Richard Blanco (he’s gay and Cuban!), then Beyonce will sing the National Anthem. Here’s the video of yesterday’s swearing in, which was done privately in the Blue Room of the White House. I like that both of the Obama daughters were basically like “Yay, you didn’t mess up!”

Incidentally, I bet all of what I’ve just discussed will get less ink than whatever Michelle Obama wears for the swearing in, and what she wears for the inaugural balls. I doubt she’ll repeat designers, so probably no Isabel Toledo or Jason Wu (she wore both in 2009), but Michelle will definitely wear American designers, and they’ll probably be fresh and new. Plus, everybody is already talking about her bangs (which I still dislike, even though I love her).

More White House videos:

Photos courtesy of the White House’s Flickr stream.

This year’s Golden Globes Open Post is hosted by The Hostesses!! Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are co-hosting this year’s Globes, and it should be a lot of fun. There probably won’t be as many uncomfortable moments/jokes as Ricky Gervais’s hosting duties for the past few years, but I don’t think Tina and Amy are going to play it safe either. They covered the most recent issue of The Hollywood Reporter to talk about their co-hosting gig, and if you haven’t read the interview yet, it’s a joy. Go here to read it. Amy and Tina talk about how much fun they want to have and how the Globes are special because everybody gets hammered. They even invented a drinking game:

THR: And it’s an awards show known mostly for its drinking.
Fey: When you get a bunch of people in a room who don’t eat much, and you give them one drink, it gets good fast.

Poehler: I was watching Bette Midler sing to Johnny Carson on his last [Tonight Show], and I thought: Maybe we should just sing to each other, Tina, like a really sad goodbye to each other?
Fey: At the beginning of the show. [Laughs.]
THR: And then just drop the mic and walk off?
Fey: But at the beginning. And just a long, slow, indulgent song where we do a lot of inside jokes.

THR: Back to the Globes. Is anything off-limits?
Poehler: The live audience tends to tell you. Tina made a very good point the other day. It’s a tough crowd because it’s a lot of nervous people waiting to see if they win or lose, and as the night goes on, the losers outnumber the winners. But having been in a lot of those awards shows, the Golden Globes are more fun because you can drink. It’s just that easy.

THR: OK, so can you come up with a couple of rules for a Globes drinking game?
Fey: Any time an actress cries in a speech, drink. Any time you see a person actively not listening to someone onstage, drink.
Poehler: Any time someone says, “I didn’t prepare anything!”
Fey: Any time anyone thanks Harvey Weinstein, eat a meatball sub.

THR: How about any time they show Judi Dench?
Fey: Yeah. You take off an article of clothing.
Poehler: Any time Maggie Smith wins.

THR: Has anyone given you a good piece of advice?
Fey: No. We should get some.
Poehler: I was doing some talk shows, and I asked both Jimmy and Conan O’Brien. Everyone says, “Make sure you’re enjoying doing it and make sure you have fun and keep it loose.” I think Tina and I aren’t worried about that. We just want to make sure we look amazing. We don’t care what we say. I have to get my head peel done before Jan. 13.
Fey: I want to look like a really young candle.

[From The Hollywood Reporter]

Tina was also asked specifically about Scientology jokes, and she refused to promise NOT to do any, so maybe Xenu will get a funny shout-out too. Basically, I’m just really looking forward to this. I have my fingers crossed for: Hugh Jackman (for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical), Anne Hathaway (because I want to see her pretend to not be expecting it), Benedict Cumberbatch (because, obviously) and I can’t wait for Jodie Foster’s honorary award presentation. It should good!

Feel free to leave your thoughts and complaints in the comments!!

Photos courtesy of NBC, WENN, THR.

Here is your Open Post for tonight’s Emmy Awards, which air (if you are in America) on ABC at 8 pm, I think. The Emmy site says 7 pm, but I guess that means that the Emmy red carpet coverage starts at 7 pm. Your Open Post is being hosted by my love, that gorgeous English bitch known as Benedict “Cumby” Cumberbatch. Cumby will be at the Emmys. He actually did some campaigning for his nomination and his Emmy, although we normally think of “campaigns” as just for the Academy Awards. Cumby really mad himself available for more American press earlier this year when Sherlock’s second (fantastic) season was about to come to PBS. I like to think that he really likes that Sherlock has been embraced by America, and that he’s proud of his Emmy nomination.

Because of the funky Emmy rules, Sherlock is considered a “miniseries or movie” rather than a proper episodic drama (which is what it really is). Cumby is nominated for “Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie” for A Scandal in Belgravia (which, if you haven’t seen, is one of the best things EVER, in the history of time). I think Cumby’s inclusion in the Miniseries/Movie part is actually good news, because I think that means he’s got a better shot at winning. He’s up against Kevin Costner, Idris Elba, Clive Owen (sigh!), Bill Paxton and Woody Harrelson. Don’t you think Cumby’s chances are pretty good? I do. And beyond that, Sherlock is nominated for a slew of other awards too (including a nomination for Martin Freeman/Dr. Watson). You can see the full list of nominations here.

So, will Cumby have a shiny award to bring home to England? If he wins, will he do a special Cumby Dance? That is my way of introducing my new favorite video ever – Benedict dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” at some kind of wedding. I LOVE HIM.

That is the dance he will do at OUR wedding!!

Here are some photos of Benedict on Saturday in LA, at the BAFTA TV Tea party. He looks SO sexy to me. Go ahead and yell at me. I don’t care!!!! I would hit that like a house on fire. Like a bitchy, pale, English house on fire.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

This is your Open Post for tonight’s MTV Movie Awards, which begin tonight at 9 pm EST. We’ll have full coverage of the event tomorrow! Russell Brand is hosting, which Bedhead is excited about. The last time MTV let Brand host something, he was the catalyst for several controversies, including some “jokes” about the Jonas Brothers’ virginity, if I’m remembering correctly.

For this year’s awards show, there are actually going to be some interesting people on hand to present, and some good performances that I’m looking forward to. The Black Keys are performing!!! HUZZAH! I love them. Fun (fun.) is also performing. While Kristen Stewart (seen in these photos during her Today Show appearance last week) is scheduled to come, Robert Pattinson has dropped out of the show. Kristen and Sparkles are nominated for Best Kiss – so if they win, I guess Kristen will just have to go up there all by herself. (SOB!)

Guess who else is coming? MICHAEL FASSBENDER!!! He’s presenting, probably with Charlize Theron as a way to promote Prometheus. Also presenting: Mila Kunis, Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield, and probably some of The Hunger Games people too. You can see a list of the nominees here.

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.

Agent Bedhead pointed out something very odd/interesting to me the other day. She noticed that when I used George Clooney as the “host” of the Golden Globes Open Post, Clooney won the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Drama that night, and when I used Uggie the Dog and Jean Dujardin as “hosts” of our Screen Actors Guild Open Post, Dujardin won Best Actor. So Bedhead suggested that I use Brad Pitt for the host of the Oscars Open Post, in case my choices are somehow becoming the harbingers for actual awards victories.

How much would you love it if Brad won Best Actor? Even his detractors have to admit it – it would be a MAJOR gossip story. We could spin stories about his victory for weeks, and even months. We could analyze Brad and Angelina’s body language when his name is called. Would Angelina cry? Would Brad? Would he tearfully name every one of the Jolie-Pitt children? Sigh… I wish it would happen. I don’t think that it will, but I would like it so, so much.

So this is your open post for the Oscars. You can wager and gossip amongst yourselves, and Celebitchy, Bedhead and I will be joining you with comments and updates as they happen. Note: we’ll have breaking-news coverage if something major happens on the red carpet, and for all of the major categories (Supporting Actor & Actress, Lead Actor, etc.). I already know that Angelina is due to present Best Adapted Screenplay – which should be HOURS from now (very late into the evening).

Ugh, I don’t even want to think about how boring Billy Crystal is going to be as host. He’s going to soothe the old folks (re: “The Academy”) into a deep twilight sleep.

Photos courtesy of WENN.