Question: How f-cking stupid is Paris Hilton? I mean, I’ve always known she’s really, really, mind-numbingly idiotic, but now that I’ve read some excerpts from the new, just released criminal charge against Paris, I have new questions about how she is capable of functioning on a daily basis. And no, I’m not making fun of people who have actual mental handicaps – Paris is just an idiot, willfully and powerfully stupid. So, Paris is being formally chanrged with felony cocaine possession in the great state of Nevada. The Las Vegas DA released the formal charge, and the police report, which is totally worth a read:

Paris Hilton has been charged with felony cocaine possesion, RadarOnline.com has learned. According to the criminal complaint filed by the Las Vegas District Attorney, Paris “Wilfully (sic), unlawfully, feloniously, knowingly, and intentionally possess a controlled substance, to-wit: Cocaine.”

As RadarOnline.com has previously reported, Hilton was arrested early Saturday morning in Las Vegas after cops found .8 grams of cocaine on the heiress at a traffic stop. Her boyfriend Cy Waits was the driver of the car and after the car was stopped when the officer smelled “the strong odor of marijuana coming from the vehicle.” Cy was “administered a series of filed sobriety tests, which Waits failed.”

Police wrote in their report that Paris told the officer she was “extremely embarrassed” and needed to used the bathroom “badly” so the officer escorted her into the Wynn.

The officer wrote that Paris was carrying a purse as they went into the Wynn and Hilton told him she needed to put some lip balm on. “As she began to open it, I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggy begin to fall from the purse and into my hand.”

The officer waited for the arrival of a female officer to assist in the search and they removed the “suspected bindle of cocaine,” and then Paris was read her Miranda rights. Paris told the officer that the purse was not hers, and that “she had borrowed it from a friend.”

When the officer asked Hilton whose cocaine it was “she said she had not seen it but now thought it was gum.”

Paris told the officer the $1,300 cash and credit card were hers, but “several cosmetic items in the purse were not hers.”

The officer placed Paris under arrest “for possession of a controlled substance cocaine.”

[From Radar]

My God. You know how it went down too – and you know Paris thought she was being clever. She was coked out of her mind, and she thought up a “clever” scheme to talk her way out of the arrest: “I have to go potty, Officer…” And so the cop took her to the Wynn and she proceeded to open up her purse – with the cocaine visible – in front of the cop! Was part of the scheme to flush the cocaine and Paris just didn’t get to it, and so now she’s all “That’s not gum?” Oh, and the money and credit cards were hers, but the purse wasn’t. Of course. She’s just ridiculous. Oh, and TMZ says that the total amount of cocaine Paris had on her was 0.8 grams. I expected more, honestly. More coke, I mean.

Here is Paris Hilton’s newest booking photo. Looking especially wonk-eyed, I see. I imagine that as she gets more coked up, her left eye gets even more and more squinty. Anyway, Paris was arrested Friday night in Las Vegas on charges of possession of cocaine. Her lawyer David Chesnoff (Us Weekly says his name is “Chernoff” but I think they‘re wrong) released this statement on Saturday:

“Paris Hilton was released this morning on her own recognizance. This matter will be dealt with in the courts not in the media and I encourage people not to rush to judgment until all of the facts have been dealt with in a court of law. There will be no interviews and no more comments at this time.”

[Lawyer’s statement via Us Weekly]

TMZ also reports on Paris’s defense strategy thus far – apparently, Paris told the Vegas cops that the coke purse was not hers. So… yes, there was cocaine in the purse, but the purse was not hers, even though the purse probably contained Paris’s ID, and was probably sitting in her lap. This strategy still isn’t as good as Lindsay Lohan’s coke pants argument, as in “These pants that I’m wearing that have a vial of cocaine, they’re aren’t mine.” TMZ also has some grainy video of Paris’s arrest in Vegas. Also, Gawker pointed out something strange yesterday: while Paris was being arrested and briefly held in Las Vegas, someone was tweeting for her. Her Twitter feed has, like, no relation to what was actually going on at the time of her arrest. Weird.

Here’s Cy Waits, Paris’s boyfriend, who was also arrested. This is his mug shot. Can I admit something horrible? This guy isn’t bad looking. He’s definitely a step up, in the looks department, from that other douche, WhatsHisFace Budget Ryan Reynolds… Doug Reinhardt.

Everyone knows that Paris Hilton is a cokehead, right? Well, now everyone knows. Paris Hilton was arrested last night for possession of cocaine. She was in Las Vegas, riding in a car being driven by a friend when the car was stopped by Las Vegas police. The police had notices that the car was leaving a “smoke trail” and they assumed people were hot boxing the car, I suppose. Officers found cocaine in Paris’s possession. Here’s more from the AP (via HuffPo):

Police arrested Paris Hilton on cocaine possession charges late Friday night after stopping the car she was in on a Las Vegas street, authorities said.

The socialite was booked into the Clark County Detention Center early Saturday on the cocaine charge, Las Vegas police spokesman Marcus Martin said. She was released before dawn on her own recognizance.

The 29-year-old Hilton was in a car driven by a friend when it was stopped about 11:30 p.m. MDT Friday after officers detected what they suspected to be marijuana smoke wafting from it, he told The Associated Press.

“Officers noticed a vehicle leaving smoke trail of a controlled substance (and) made a stop based on that,” Martin said.

During the stop, officers found what appeared to be a drug on Hilton and later tests showed that it was cocaine, Martin said. He didn’t know how much was found. He said Hilton was apparently recognized by passers-by and a crowd quickly gathered in the area where the vehicle had been pulled over.

Police watch commander Lt. Wayne Holman said Hilton released early Saturday morning. He didn’t know how long she had been held nor any details about a possible court date.

He said the man who was driving the car was arrested on charges of driving under the influence of drugs. But he didn’t have any other details, including his name.

Hilton’s manager didn’t immediately return AP calls for comment early Saturday. Her publicist, Dawn Miller, did not immediately return an e-mail message. The arrest came during a week in which a burglary attempt was made on Hilton’s Los Angeles home.

Officials said 31-year-old Nathan Lee Parada faces a felony burlgary charge in the Tuesday incident. Authorities have said that someone carrying two big knives banged on Hilton’s window. She posted a photo of the arrest on Twitter and described it as “scary.”

Hilton was arrested this summer after the Brazil-Netherlands World Cup match in Port Elizabeth, South Africa, on suspicion of possession of marijuana. The case was then dropped at a midnight court hearing.

Hilton pleaded no contest in 2007 to alcohol-related reckless driving and was sentenced to 45 days in jail. After spending about 23 days in jail, Hilton told U.S. television host Larry King that the experience caused her to re-evaluate the role partying played in her life. She said she wanted “to help raise money for kids and for breast cancer and multiple sclerosis.”

While most famous for her tabloid exploits and reality TV series “The Simple Life,” Hilton has appeared in the films “Bottoms Up,” “The Hottie & the Nottie” and “House of Wax.”

[From HuffPo]

Yes, Paris was held and later released on possession charges in South Africa. Plus, there was something sketchy in Corsica in July too. Hopefully, these Las Vegas charges will stick and maybe we’ll get some kind of Lindsay Lohan-esque intervention? Probably not. By the way, when did possession of cocaine become such a light crime? Chace Crawford gets the book thrown at him for one (un-lit) joint, and Paris gets released on her own recognizance for cocaine? WTF?

Paris’s old booking photos from 2007:

Header: Paris on August 10, 2010. Credit: WENN.

Look, Kim Kardashian added bangs to her cat-face! Honestly, in the thumbnails I thought it was Angelina Jolie, so… um, Angelina really needs to do something else with her bangs, for real. If I’m confusing her with Kim Kardashian, it’s time to make a hair change.

Anyway, remember earlier this week there was a story about Kim being a bitch to Paris Hilton? They were at the same event and Paris decided to “sing”. After Paris finished, Kim grabbed the mic and said, “Now let’s hear some real music!” Oh, BURN. Eh. Anyway, Us Weekly has more details on the blood feud (hopefully to the death) between these two former friends.

Best Frenemies Forever! Paris Hilton flew into a rage at Las Vegas hotspot Lavo on August 13 — when her childhood pal and protegee Kim Kardashian ignored and publicly mocked her, witnesses say in the new Us Weekly.

The icing on the cake? When Hilton, 29, learned that Kardashian, 29, had been flown to the special event via private jet.

“Paris got so mad!” a source tells Us. “She could not believe Kim got a jet and she didn’t. She used to get the jets.”

Later that night, the former Simple Life star — roundly ignored by other revelers — was “fuming” when Kardashian commanded attention from the crowd, a guest says.

The feud between the fellow “celebutantes”, pals say, has to do with Kardashian’s meteoric rise to fame, which has eclipsed Hilton’s own star power.

“Paris is upset at Kim — but it’s 100 percent jealousy,” a source says of Hilton, who went to pre-school with Kardashian and took her to her first Hollywood parties. “Kim is not only doing what Paris did, she’s doing it better, and everyone loves her.”

Counters another source: “Kim should thank Paris. Paris gave her her career.”

For more details on Kim and Paris’ frosty Vegas exchange, how their friendship ended, and how much Kim is worth now pick up the new Us Weekly, on stands now.

[From Us Weekly]

So basically they’re fighting over who is the biggest whore. That really is it – who can get the most stuff by having absolutely no talent other than being “pretty” and f-cking the right people. I kind of love that they’re feuding actually – it makes them both looks so petty and stupid and like the incredibly moronic wastes of time and space that they are. Plus, we get to use old photos and Kim probably hates that everyone gets to see her old face:

Header: Kim’s banged cat-face on August 20, 2010. Credit: WENN.

*Kim and Paris in 2006, when they were friends

So maybe I don’t care so much about this story. Maybe I just think “whatever, two idiots fighting over stupid sh-t” when I first glanced this story about Kim Kardashian being an a–hole to Paris Hilton. I mean, doesn’t Paris deserve it? Wouldn’t you be an a–hole to Paris if you ever ran into her? And wouldn’t you also say something nasty to Kim too? I would probably say something to Kim about her catface. Because that’s the real reason I’m doing this story – to show Kim’s face from just a few years ago, back in 2006. Now, this was not Kim’s original face, according to the tabloids. To see her original face, you’d have to look at photos of her from, like, the 1990s. In these photos, she’s already had some work done, but she can still move her face, and she doesn’t look like a cat having a stroke.

Famously feuding ex-BFFs Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton usually can’t bear to be in the same VIP room. But they were both at Lavo Las Vegas’ two-year anniversary party Friday. Spies tell us the pair didn’t say a word to each other, but, “When Paris decided to do an impromptu performance of her song ‘Stars Are Blind,’ Kim looked bored to tears while Paris writhed on the couch,” a spy said.

As soon as she finished, Kim grabbed the mike and told the crowd, “Now let’s hear some real music.” Other stars included Anthony Mackie, David Spade, Molly Sims, band LMFAO with member Redfoo making out with Stephanie Pratt of “The Hills,” and label head Jimmy Iovine, who came to see son Jamie, a k a DJ Eye, do a set.

[From Page Six]

“Now let’s hear some real music” is pretty good. You know what’s even better? “Can I get a new microphone? This one has herpes.”

This is how Kim looks now:

And here’s some more of that long-gone old-school Kim:

Kim and Paris in 2006, credit: WENN.

I know, I hate covering Paris Hilton in general, but sometimes it’s a little fun, in the same way it’s fun in a cheap, easy, gross way to cover the Kardashians. Paris Hilton launched her new perfume last night in LA. The perfume is called “Tease”. Because Paris is a “tease” – get it? Because we don’t know ANYTHING about her, because we can’t read her big, dumb face like an open book, because she’s such a woman of mystery and enchantment. I wish she would have a sense of humor about herself and call the perfume “Trash with Money” or “Unemployed” or “Oxygen Thief”. Alas, Paris never takes my suggestions.

Anyway, I wanted to take about how Paris looked for the launch. Did she get a boob job? Or are her girls just jacked up beyond belief? I don’t honestly think chicken cutlets and the best push up bra in the world could make Paris look this boob-tastic. Also: the Marilyn thing. She’s done it a million times before, as has Lindsay Lohan and a million other girls. Why don’t these women ever realize that they’re grossly slandering their beloved icon? When I see Paris looking like a Botoxy 40-year-old prostitute with a Marilyn fetish, I don’t think “Oh, Marilyn would be so proud.” I think, “Poor Marilyn, look at what you’ve become for generations of celebutards.”

One more thing: is this a wig? If it’s a wig, it’s a really good one.

Paris on August 10, 2010. Credit: WENN.

So I really don’t have any sympathy for Paris Hilton. Much like Lindsay Lohan, Paris does it to herself, and she’s a victim of her own laziness, stupidity, vanity and general a–hole-ishness. But isn’t it interesting that Paris is making news again? She had been keeping a lower profile for the better part of a year, and now all of a sudden she’s making headline by almost getting arrested for possession and for her drunken, f-cked up antics. Paris has been partying in Europe the past few weeks… I think of it as her European Whore Tour. While in St. Tropez the past few days, various photo agencies have gotten an eye-full of Paris’s diseased bits and pieces.

Also: I think she’s back with Doug Reinhardt? Why? It seems like a step down for both of them. He was partying at the same St. Tropez club, but I can’t find any photos of the two of them together. Eh. Who cares? And she was photographed giving what looks like a Nazi salute. Of course. I don’t really think Paris is a Nazi. She’s too stupid. She thought she was being funny. Stupid crackhead whore.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Late Friday, everyone got excited because there was some news that Paris Hilton had been detained and maybe arrested in South Africa for possession of marijuana. Our dreams of a Midnight Express-esque end for Paris ended quickly though, as within hours, South African law enforcement formally apologized to Paris – it turns out that she was just hanging out with someone smoking pot, and Paris was caught up in the pot net and later released. Paris tweeted about the bullsh-t too:

After a South African court dropped a marijuana-smoking case against Paris Hilton, the heiress, 29, took to her Twitter page to reassure her fans that “everything is fine.”

“I had nothing to do with it,” she Twittered. “…There’s a lot of crazy rumors going around. Just want you all to know the truth. Everything is completely fine. I was not charged or arrested, cause I didn’t do anything. I was assisting the police with the investigation and answering their questions. Everyone was super nice and friendly to me. I love South Africa! Such an amazing place, especially during The World Cup! Hope that clears everything up. Love you guys, thanks for your concern. Xoxo P.”

Hilton was escorted out of the Brazil vs Netherlands quarterfinal match at Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium Friday.

After Hilton was questioned by police, her rep told UsMagazine.com: “It was actually another person in the group who did it. The case has been dropped against Paris and no charges will be made. The authorities have apologized for wrongfully accusing her since she had nothing to do with the incident.”

[From Us Weekly]

Of course that’s probably not the end of it. Because Paris has had a renewed glimpse of what it’s like to have everyone paying attention to her. She’s relevant again! Not really, it’s just that people were talking about her for a few hours, which hasn’t happened in a while. Which makes one her tweets really funny – she linked to this article from Culture Map – see how far up Paris’s ass this guy climbs:

Paris Hilton is at least as smart a businessperson as Donald Trump and George Steinbrenner (and that’s no knock on either Trump or Steinbrenner, who like Paris both had mega-rich fathers).

Paris built herself into a powerhouse international brand — without relying on the family name. She’s not famous because she’s a Hilton. She’s famous because she’s Paris. That’s a hard trick to pull off, one that requires much more skill than any once-supposed blonde bimbo could ever possess. Yes, Paris was always smarter than you thought.

Which made her arrest for pot possession at the World Cup hard to believe from the beginning. (It’s not hard to fathom Paris smoking pot, it’s the doing it in the midst of the world’s biggest sporting event in public, blatantly enough to get caught, part that made it dubious. Again, Paris is not dumb).

So, it’s no big surprise that all the charges against Hilton were dropped within hours of the incident. Of course, by then Paris Hilton’s name and arrest had been in headlines around the globe on the Internet. The South African police made the unusual step of coming out and apologizing to Hilton for the misunderstanding, but that’s really not enough.

Paris had her name besmirched in the international press for something she had little to do with. Jennifer Rovero — a former Playmate who works for Paris as a photographer (yes, Paris has Playmates with legit jobs in her entourage) — copped to the marijuana and was told to pay $1,000 or spend 30 days in jail.

It doesn’t matter if you think that Rovero is just covering for her boss or not (dubious), can you imagine if a Trump or a Steinbrenner were put in the same situation? They’d be banging their fist on a podium at a news conference, demanding that someone pay.
Paris? She just sweetly tweets, “Hey guys, there’s a lot of crazy rumors going around. Just want you all to know the truth. Everything is completely fine. I was not charged or arrested, cause I didn’t do anything.”

That’s Paris Hilton, brilliant and forgiving.

[From Culture Map]

For goodness sake. Jesus. Brilliant? I just can’t with this sh-t. Can we go back to ignoring her now?

Photos courtesy of Paris’s Twitter.

For some God-awful reason, Esquire decided to profile Paris Hilton in their May issue devoted to women. I haven’t paid attention to Paris in a while, only catching up on her antics as I skimmed stories for the links. I know she and Doug Reinhardt finally broke up, and I know that they’re now fighting about who did the dumping and who had more to gain from the relationship. So, basically, I’m reading this Paris profile without feeling the heavy nausea that I feel when I’m reading about someone like, say, Tila Tequila. Paris seems almost quaint compared to many of the f-cking train wrecks operating in Celebrity-ville today. However, even though I went into this wanting to give Paris the benefit of the doubt, I realized that Paris is still the same old moron. But it’s comforting, on some level. The complete Esquire piece is here (it’s a slideshow with interview excerpts), but here are some of the highlights:

Three days and nights in Parisworld is an experience like few others, and not in a bad way, either. It confirmed what we have always believed — the best stories happen when subjects let us in. It began with a blind e-mail contact, a week of back and forth, a trial meeting — the father looked me over pretty good before the okay was given. It ended on a windy night in her boudoir, the balcony doors thrown open. And then, before you knew it, it was over.

Paris Hilton opens her house and speaks of everything: Her sex tape (“I was humiliated. There were people who thought I released it myself.”), her “reckless driving” (on an empty stomach on her way to In-N-Out), the bogus photo-shopped pudenda scandal (“Ewww. I always wear underwear.”) — and along the way demonstrates how easy it is for a real person to be turned into a cartoon character. Is it possible there’s something about Paris Hilton that we’ve missed?

The tour begins, cordially enough, in the drawing room of her house. There are pictures, images, likenesses everywhere. Many are of Paris herself — only the hottest justify display. Many are of Paris and her friends. Paris and Mariah. Paris and Jessica. Paris and Carmen. Paris and Fergie. Paris and Nicole and Nicky, each of them in its own fun frame.

Paris only rarely employs her well-known baby-sexpot voice. (“I talk like that when I’m nervous,” she will later say.) When the producers signed up Paris for The Simple Life, she says they gave her these acting notes: “Paris, be the dumbest you can be. Just be a dumb, ditzy blonde — like Legally Blonde meets Green Acres meets Clueless.” BFF Nicole Richie, her sidekick, was told to be the mean one. BTW, they are friends again. “That whole fight was engineered by the producers,” Paris says unconvincingly, the only time that I feel she is being less than honest.

“My house is kind of like a reflection of my life and my accomplishments and what I’ve done,” Paris says in her serious voice. “And I’ve done it all on my own. When my parents and my grandfather came over for the first time, I was so proud. It just feels good to like walk around and be like … I earned all this, you know? I see some of my friends I grew up with from rich families. Their parents spoiled them and they never made them work and just give them an allowance. And now they’re like 30 and still living off the parents, having to ask for everything, being on a budget. It’s nice to feel accomplished and independent. I don’t have to depend on anyone but myself.”

It was here, in the living room, where Paris spoke about the reckless driving arrest that led to her infamous incarceration: “It wasn’t even a DUI, that was not why I was in jail. That’s why I was charged with reckless driving. It was literally three sips of a margarita at dinner after I had just shot my music video — I hadn’t really eaten anything all day and I showed up to the dinner late because I was shooting the music video. And then, like two blocks away from In-N-Out burger, is where I got pulled over. I just thought it was really unfair.”

Paris’s assortment of pink two-wheeled conveyances, including a pink scooter, a pink mountain bike, a pink beach cruiser, and a pink Harley Davidson mini. Girlish? Princess-like? Absolutely. On her signature pink Bentley, Paris has this to say: “It’s a little too showy to drive it anywhere, unfortunately.” The inside is custom decorated with Swarovski crystal.

Before we went to lunch at the Ivy, Paris felt as if her car was too dirty to drive, so she hosed it off herself. On the way home out of the restaurant, we were surrounded by paparazzi. A chase ensued through Beverly Hills: She set her jaw, blared Madonna’s “Like a Virgin,” and gunned the throaty blue Bentley convertible, weaving through traffic, making it into a little game. There was no anger evident; it was more like sport.

She does not seem to be one of those celebs who complains about the very system that got her here in the first place — though she could do without the helicopters hovering over her place when she’s trying to lay out at her own pool. At times, her celebrity is frightening even to her.

[From Esquire]

My favorite part was “And I’ve done it all on my own… It just feels good to like walk around and be like … I earned all this, you know? I see some of my friends I grew up with from rich families. Their parents spoiled them and they never made them work and just give them an allowance…It’s nice to feel accomplished and independent. I don’t have to depend on anyone but myself.” Especially given this note: “She does not seem to be one of those celebs who complains about the very system that got her here in the first place.. At times, her celebrity is frightening even to her.” All of this, and she doesn’t do anything! She has no talent. She’s not an actress, not a singer, not a writer, not even a current reality star. What is she so proud of achieving again? That people pay her to show up at parties? Really? And that gives her a sense of “accomplishment and independence.” Ugh. Same old Paris.

Esquire has a bunch of photos of Paris’s house too. It’s startling how many photos of herself she has throughout her house.

Photos of Paris & her home courtesy of Esquire.

Anthony didn’t really say that, I just that the headline was funny! What Anthony actually said was so brilliant I didn’t even want to attempt to paraphrase it concisely, but I will give you the tail-end of his beautiful, simple rant, just because I love the way he worded it: “It’s a mass enslavement and it’s kind of fascism. And it’s the androgyny of it; the androgyny of the human soul. I don’t think people think any more.” Sigh…much like my love for Tim Gunn, I love Anthony Hopkins for his genius, his dry, sardonic wit, his passion and his ability to take down a poseur with charming deftness. When Tim took down the Kardashians (an “absence of taste”), it was like my soul being French kissed by a fluffy teddy bear. And now Anthony Hopkins is taking down Paris Hilton! I’m seriously going to send Sir Anthony a muffin basket for this.

Anthony Hopkins has taken aim at Paris Hilton and the current crop of celebrity socialites, comparing them to “soulless machines”. The Silence of the Lambs actor is fed up with skinny models and stars on the red carpet who lack substance – and he’s singled out the heiress for appearing to have nothing “going on up there.”

He rants, “We’re living in a pretty strange time. I went into a shop to buy my wife some clothes and I wanted them gift-wrapped. And they had this big plasma screen on with these women on the catwalk. I thought, ‘God almighty, what have we become?’ These girls – anorexic, walking like machines, no soul.”

“You look at fashion magazines and you think, ‘What are we living in?’ You look at the red carpet, Paris Hilton, you know, these people and you think, ‘Is there anything going on up there?’ It’s a mass enslavement and it’s kind of fascism. And it’s the androgyny of it; the androgyny of the human soul. I don’t think people think any more. But maybe I’m just old.”

[From Starpulse]

Don’t you love him even more? Sir Anthony should teach a master class in being righteous. First class: “Paris Hilton is fascism.” I wonder what Day 2 would be? Something about Lindsay Lohan, probably. “The Lohans as omens of Judgment Day.”

Honestly, I hope this is the new trend in Hollywood: really cool, talented, amazing people taking the piss out of jackass celebrities. Here’s hoping!

Anthony Hopkins at the ‘Wolfman’ premiere on February 9, 2010. Credit: Revolutionpix/Fame Pictures.